‘Oh God,’ I said, grabbing his arm, feeling a sudden stab of fear. How could he say that? Things would be so much more difficult without Jimmy at my side. I felt a rush of heat travel up my chest, panic stirring my whole body. ‘Have you heard then? When are you going, do you know? Have you got your leaving date yet?’
He laughed.
‘Whoa, whoa, slow down. I don’t think it quite happens like that. No, it’s just a feeling I have, Alice, but I think the time must be pretty near. There’s nothing left for me to do here. I found you, Alice, and that’s what this has all been about.’
‘Great. And now you’ve found me and completely turned my world upside down you’re going to drop me from a great height and leave me stranded, all alone in the world again.’
Jimmy winced. ‘Don’t be like that. Would you have preferred it if we’d never met?’
‘No, of course not,’ I said, feeling chastised. ‘But how will I ever manage without you?’ I folded my arms crossly, feeling like a petulant schoolgirl. ‘This flat is going to be so empty and quiet without you. And how will I ever go on and have a proper relationship? With a proper man? Life will never be the same again.’
‘It will. I promise you. Although that might mean a relationship with an improper man, like me. But hey, that won’t be too bad, will it?’ He fell silent, his gaze fixed on the daisy pattern on the duvet. ‘What we’ve had, what we mean to each other, that doesn’t change. It’s for all eternity, darling.’ I turned away, not wanting the tears to start again. ‘You’ll always be the one and only for me, Alice. But you have the whole of the rest of your life to live through and, for my sake, you need to make the most of it. After all, you’ll always have the memories of our time together.’ His eyes gazed at me imploringly. ‘You can’t spend the rest of your life mourning for the future we might have had. You need to live your life in the here and now and to the full.’ He took hold of my hand, kissing my fingertips. ‘I don’t want to leave you worrying about how you’ll manage. You owe it to yourself and to me to live the happiest, most fulfilling life you can.’
I wasn’t sure that was possible without him at my side, but I didn’t want to let him down. I had to be strong.
‘Of course I’ll be fine,’ I said, sounding more in control than I felt. ‘I’m just being selfish. I’ve got so used to you being around. Looking after me. I can’t imagine life without you now. But I’ll get used to the idea. I mean, I coped well enough before you arrived, didn’t I?’
I thought back to last night, the time I’d spent with Damon. People lived normal happy lives all over the place. Surely I could do the same.
‘Maybe I should think about getting a cat when you’re gone,’ I said randomly.
Jimmy dropped his head to one side and gave me a quizzical look.
‘Great. You’re going to replace me with a cat?’
I laughed at his crestfallen expression.
‘Well, it’s a start, isn’t it?’
‘That’s not really what I had in mind when I said you needed to live your life to the full. You need to get out there. Meet a few people. Make some new friends. Who knows, you might even find someone special out there. Someone to spend the rest of your life with.’
How could he possibly say that?
‘Well, obviously not The One because I’m The One, but there could be The Other One out there.’ A mischievous smile hovered around his lips. ‘Or the Next Best One. People have this misguided idea that there’s only one person out there for each of us, but it’s simply not true.’
‘Do you think?’
‘Oh, I know, darling. Trust me. I’m not of this world. I have special insight and powers.’ His hands roamed beneath the duvet and found my hipbones, his fingers tickling my tummy making me writhe from side to side.
‘Would you stop it,’ I squealed.
I was laughing but it felt like my insides were dying. I knew with an absolute certainty that I would never meet anyone to take Jimmy’s place. I was destined for a life spent mourning for a man I’d never even had a proper relationship with.
‘Will you promise me one thing?’ I asked, suddenly serious.
‘What?’
‘That when it’s time for you to go, you’ll come and say goodbye properly. You won’t just leave without telling me, will you? It’s the one thing I dread.’
‘Of course, I won’t. I’ve already told you that. How could you think such a thing? I wasn’t planning on having a leaving party with balloons and streamers, but there’s no way I’d walk off into the distance without saying a very special goodbye to my favourite girl.’
A lump appeared in my throat and I shrugged, smiling ruefully.
‘Thanks, Jimmy, that’s such a relief to know.’
‘I have something to ask you too,’ he said.
‘What is it?’
‘Now can I kiss you?’ he said impatiently.
‘Oh yes please,’ I sighed, falling into his arms.
We were living on borrowed time, I knew that. At any moment the lightning flash would strike between us sending Jimmy on to his rightful place and leaving me alone in my own little world. I didn’t want to think about it. For the time being I just wanted to spend every available moment alone with him. I stepped out of the shower and was splashing my face with cold water from the sink in an attempt to get rid of the Miss Piggy look, while Jimmy brewed up some coffee in the kitchen, when the telephone rang.
‘Hello, Alice, it’s Donna here. I hope you don’t mind me calling you on the weekend.’
‘Oh hi, Donna.’ I said her name very loudly in Jimmy’s direction, hoping that he hadn’t been up to any of his old antics. ‘No, that’s absolutely fine. How are you?’
‘Oh much better now than when I last saw you. I think I’ve finally hit the blooming stage, thank goodness. I’m feeling great, really happy.’
‘That’s good to hear.’ Donna’s infectious enthusiasm sang down the line.
‘I was just ringing to thank you,’ she hesitated, ‘for sorting my, um, little problem. I don’t know what it was you did, but when I got home from seeing you that day, I knew instantly that the problem had gone.’
I couldn’t help the smile from spreading across my face as I looked across the room at the ‘problem’ who was currently peering into my bread bin.
‘Really? That’s brilliant to know. I’m sure you won’t have any further problems in that direction,’ I said, raising my eyebrows at Jimmy.
‘It’s such a relief, I can’t tell you. And I’ve learnt my lesson. I’ll definitely not go round spreading nasty rumours about dead people again. Out of interest, I’d love to know, what did you do exactly to get rid of the evil spirits?’
Evil spirits? More like a mischievous, interfering and frankly too sexy for his own good spirit!
‘Well,’ I coughed, clearing my throat. ‘I’m not supposed to divulge my secrets because then I might lose my powers, but…’ I ran my hand through the bowl of pot pourri on the table. ‘I used a combination of special ingredients; rose petals, pine cones and, um, crystals,’ I said, with what I thought was a flash of inspiration. ‘Then I chanted a special spirit exorcising mantra…’
‘Have you no shame!’ Jimmy was shaking his head in disbelief.
‘… and that usually that does the trick,’ I went on in my best Mystic Meg voice.
‘Wow, that’s amazing. You’re amazing, Alice. You should be on TV with your own show. Everyone’s fascinated by all that stuff.’
‘Hmmm, that’s an idea,’ I said, stifling a giggle.
‘I can’t thank you enough for everything you’ve done for me.’
‘Oh it’s a pleasure, Donna. I’m just pleased that everything’s worked out well for you.’
‘Yes, it has,’ she said, sighing happily. ‘Just so as you know, the article about our engagement, the baby, the whole story is going to be in next week’s magazine so make sure you pick up a copy, won’t you?’
‘I will. I’ll look forward to
seeing it.’ And for Rosemary and Michael’s sake, I was relieved that they would soon have some closure on the whole sorry saga too.
Chapter Twenty-Six
‘You’ll have to get a bit more organised on the domestic goddess front once I go, Alice, you do know that. There is absolutely nothing to eat or drink in this flat bar a mouldy wedge of cheese and a bottle of champagne.’
‘Ah yes, the essential supplies for any single girl about town. So breakfast is looking a bit bleak, then? Um, we could pop into town and have an early lunch or something. Then whizz round the supermarket after.’
‘Hmmm.’ Jimmy looked out the window, tilting his head up to study the sky. ‘It’s looking pretty grey out there and the forecast is heavy showers. I was thinking more along the lines of a duvet day with some good box sets and a few rounds of sandwiches, crisps and chocolates. How does that sound?’
I sighed happily. ‘Like the perfect day to me.’
‘I’ll pop round to the corner shop then. Won’t take me a minute. You decide on what DVD we’ll watch first and I’ll be back in a jiffy.’
‘Great,’ I said, relieved that I wouldn’t have to change out of my dressing gown after all. The only job I had to do was plump up the cushions and reserve our places on the sofa. ‘Don’t be long,’ I called after him.
I was certain I heard him leave, whoosh out of the front door like he always did, but moments later I found him standing in the hallway, looking at me as if he might have forgotten something.
‘Alice,’ he said, walking towards me and taking me in his arms. ‘You do know that I love you, don’t you?’
I laughed. ‘Yes, of course, what’s brought all this on?’
‘I just wanted to make sure.’
‘Oh you daft thing,’ I chided, pushing his chest playfully. ‘And I love you too.’
‘Well, that’s OK then. I just wanted you to know.’
‘Good. So now we know where we stand, are you going out to get breakfast?’
‘Ha ha, yes of course. That’s what I was doing, wasn’t I?’ He bent his head down, placing his lips on mine, our mouths parting together. ‘I won’t be long,’ he said, pulling away. And then he was gone.
Some people go a whole lifetime without meeting someone special, without experiencing true love, without feeling the completeness of finding that other person who makes you feel whole. And whatever happened now, I knew I’d been lucky enough to have experienced all those things, however fleeting they might turn out to be.
As I stood at the window watching Jimmy’s distinctive outline saunter down the road, I contemplated these things. There was no point in focusing on the negative because it was completely out of my control. So why worry?
As Jimmy said, we had to focus on the here and now. I sighed happily, placing my palms up against the window. And here and now, I was waiting for him to get to the corner at the top of the road because that’s where he always stopped, turning around to look at me, giving a cheery wave in my direction. It was one of the routines we’d fallen into when Jimmy went to the ‘corner shop’. Not that there was a shop on that particular corner, but he always went that way when going out for groceries, disappearing around the corner, returning with brown paper bags brimming with goodies, but I never did find out where exactly the magical corner shop was. I smiled, thinking how completely baffling it was that no one else could spot his tall, handsome, distinctly recognisable figure as he sauntered down that road.
Today though as he approached the corner an uneasy feeling crept over me and my eyes stayed fixed on his back, willing him to turn around to look at me.
‘Jimmy!’ I urged. ‘Look at me,’ I cried silently.
But something told me he wouldn’t look back. He kept right on walking, purposefully, determinedly. One moment he was in my sight and the next he’d disappeared around the corner out of view without so much as a backwards glance.
‘Jimmy!’ I screamed this time, banging my fists on the window.
How could he? Why hadn’t he turned round? He always did. And hadn’t he promised that he wouldn’t just walk away without saying goodbye? Something told me, urgently, insistently, in that moment when his unkempt black mop of hair disappeared around the corner that he’d walked out of my life for good. That was why he’d hesitated before he left, telling me he loved me. Oh my God! He’d been saying goodbye.
I tore off my dressing gown letting it drop to the floor and dashed to the bedroom, picking up the first thing that came to hand; a grubby pair of old tracksuit bottoms and a faded grey T-shirt. Hurriedly, I pulled them on, my heart beating in double-quick time, heat rushing to the extremities of my body. I wouldn’t let Jimmy go. Not like this. Not without saying a special goodbye.
I slammed the door shut and ran down the stairs, taking them two at a time before flying out the front door. Tears were flowing down my cheeks as I gasped for breath.
‘Jimmy!’ I called. ‘Please wait. Don’t go. Not like this.’
I ran to the bottom of the road, stopping at the corner where I’d last seen him, looking first one way and then the other.
‘Jimmy!’ I repeated his name over and over again. He had to hear me. He always did. Coming running whenever I called his name.
‘Are you all right, love?’ A concerned old man carrying his Sunday morning paper rested his hand on my arm.
‘It’s my boyfriend,’ I stuttered, the words accompanied by sobs. ‘I’ve lost him.’
‘Oh don’t you worry about that,’ said the man patting my arm. ‘A pretty lass like you? He’d be a fool not to come back. Men? Pah. You know what we’re like. You go back home, love. Mark my words, he’ll be back before you know it.’
‘No, not this time, he won’t,’ I stuttered, my gaze searching up and down the street.
‘Ah, he’s done this before, has he? Well, it’s not for me to say love, but if he’s that type, then maybe you’ll be better off without him.’
‘No!’ I chastised him rather too firmly. ‘I have to find him. I have to. It’s a matter of life and death. Jimmy,’ I called, running off down the street, leaving the old man staring after me worriedly. ‘Thanks.’ I waved. ‘And sorry,’ I mouthed, running backwards, picking up speed, feeling a momentary pang of guilt.
The streets were beginning to get busy with dog-walkers, young parents pushing buggies out for an early morning stroll, people visiting the local shops for a paper and some milk. All those faces going about their daily business, seemingly without a care in the world, while the entire guts of my life were being wrenched from me, disappearing down a side street, changing my world forever.
I dashed across the road.
‘Jimmy!’ I hollered, cupping my hands around my mouth.
In the distance, I saw a figure striding out, the flash of blue of his top matching Jimmy’s, the hair, indistinctly messy from the back, just like Jimmy’s.
My heart soared. I ran after him, dodging a car and jumping onto the pavement on the other side of the road. It would be okay. I could reach him. Looking up as I headed up the street I saw the look of terror on a lad’s face as he sat astride his pushbike freewheeling down the hill, noticed his empty satchel slung over his neck flying behind him, watched as he jammed on his brakes and as his face formed a contorted expression at me.
‘Look out!’ he cried.
But I could do nothing to stop him. Momentarily, I braced myself as the bike slammed into me, the boy catapulting off, the wheels of the bike spinning wildly as it landed on top of me pinning me to the ground.
‘Jimmy!’ I mumbled, helplessly.
And then everything went black.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
‘Lexie, would you do me a favour? Would you telephone work and let them know I won’t be in for a while.’
‘Oh Damon, how lovely to see you. I wanted to talk to you about… hmmm, what was it exactly? I can’t quite remember at the moment. Oh well I’m sure it will come rushing back to me. Now, would you mind popping round to the flat
and checking the front door? I left in a bit of a rush and think I may have left it open.’
Silence. Nothing but a deathly silence.
Oh well that’s charming. Just ignore me then. Talk amongst yourselves, why don’t you? I tried again.
‘Hellooo. Can anybody hear me?’ God this was so frustrating. I had so much to organise and everyone was mooning about like a limp lettuce leaf at the end of a summer garden party. What was it with these people? And why all the long faces? Honestly, you would have thought someone had died or something judging by all the long expressions.
‘What was she doing?’ Lexie’s voice was faint, barely recognisable. She looked so tired and washed-out too. ‘I can’t understand it,’ she went on. ‘She never goes out without her make-up on. And those old trackie bottoms, it’s just not like her.’
‘Maybe she’d taken up running or something.’
‘You have to be kidding. She’s not really the outdoors type.’ She dabbed her eyes with a tissue. ‘She will be all right, won’t she?’
Damon took hold of Lexie’s hand and squeezed it gently, nodding his head reassuringly.
‘Of course she will. We need to stay positive. I just wish…’ He bit on his lip, tears gathering in his eyes.
‘Don’t, not now.’ Lexie stroked his arm, offering soothing words of comfort. ‘It will be OK. It has to be OK.’
This was all very weird. Why were these two suddenly getting touchy-feely with each other? It just didn’t make sense. And who exactly was that pitiful wan creature lying on the bed with tubes and monitors strapped to every conceivable part of her body?
I zoomed in on the figure of the bed and then zoomed straight back out again. Oh good grief. Yes, that would explain everything. It was me. Making an exhibition of myself. The room and its contents whirled around me, the bed, me lying on it, Lexie and Damon huddled together in support and all the beeping and flashing hospital paraphernalia.
Desperately Seeking Heaven Page 19
