Love's Hiding

by Karen Deen

  “What I do need to tell you, Luke, is something I should have been upfront about. Please hear me out before you judge. Understand, I never hid this from you to hurt you. It was only ever to protect myself. Not from you, but from my life. I know it sounds like a mess, but I will try to explain.” All the air left her body as she sagged into me.

  “No matter what you’ve done, we will work through this together, Zoe. I mean what I say. You’re mine and I’m not letting you go.”

  “I hope you still feel that way at the end after what I’m about to tell you.” There was a pause and I waited for her to continue, allowing her time to collect her thoughts and work out what she needed to say. My mind was going wild with the possibilities. Would it be as bad as she thought? Would I be able to help her move forward? I had a feeling that no matter what it was, our lives were about to change.

  Zoe

  How did I tell him we had slept together before? That I’d known since the first day in the office when I recognized him and said nothing. I knew the reasons sounded like a good idea in my head but now that I was about to say them out loud, they sounded ridiculous. I should have been straight up from the beginning. What woman lets a man think this was the first time they’d been together? I was such an idiot. I should’ve stopped Luke and told him before we went any further. Taking a deep breath, I remembered the words I had written on my fridge.

  ‘What’s done is done. It can’t be undone. But what is to be done in the future, only you can choose.’

  “I don’t even know where to start, Luke. I have tried to tell you this so many times and failed at every attempt. It was easier to avoid it and fight this insane attraction we have.” I knew there was no going back, so I tried to find my inner strength and keep going.

  “Take it from me, there is nothing that can stop this thing between us. I can’t fight it any more than you can,” Luke’s strong voice rumbled through his chest and I felt it.

  “I know. You are painfully persistent.” Now I was starting to sound like Luke, using humor to break the moment.

  “Oh, you better believe that, little lady. I’m on your ass now and not letting it go.”

  “We’ll see,” I mumbled.

  “No, it’s fact, Zoe. Not letting go, remember?”

  My heart beat fast and this time it wasn’t with excitement. It was from pure fear. I needed to get let it out, the anxiety building.

  “I wasn’t always the person you know me to be. I carry a lot of personal baggage in my life. My coping mechanism was to take pleasure in sex. Lots of sex and night after night. One-night stands. I never knew the men’s name or cared to know them. I just did it to make myself feel better. It gave me that momentary window of feeling good about myself and to feel like I was actually wanted by someone.” Tears trickled down my cheeks and my chest grew tight.

  “The way I saw it, I was in control and using them. But the actual truth was, they were using me, too. No one cared about me. I was just a means to get their dick wet and fulfil their fantasy with a girl who looked like a cheap, sleazy slut. The kind who looked like a hooker.”

  Just say it, Zoe.

  I had to tell him before I couldn’t, my throat starting to close. I needed air. Pushing up off Luke’s chest so I could see his face. “That was of course until I met and slept with you. You were different. You cared. You looked inside and saw me. I never got over…” I couldn’t hold my stomach any longer. I jumped from the bed and ran for the toilet, almost passing out as I stumbled through the door. I knew this would be bad. I just didn’t think it would be this hard. I concentrated on my breathing during the moments I wasn’t vomiting. No sound came from the bedroom and that scared me.

  What the hell had I done?

  Luke

  “That was of course until I met you and slept with you. You were different, you cared. You looked inside and saw me. I never got over……”

  Confused, I watched Zoe cut short her sentence before sprinting to the bathroom. With her back to me, I suddenly saw it.

  The one thing that made it all come together. The one thing that made all this make sense.

  That tattoo.

  The one that never left my dreams.

  The picture I’d tried so hard to find. Well, the body that wore the tattoo.

  It was her.

  Zoe.

  My daffodil girl with the broken heart.

  I froze, trying to make sense of it all. The woman that night had blonde hair and dark eyes. Although she looked different I knew it was her. Truth be known, my body knew it was her all along. I had felt a strange, inexplicable pull toward her.

  When did she work it out? Did she know all along? If so, why the fuck didn’t she tell me? I was starting to get worked up. She had a hell of a lot of explaining to do. My mind was trying to rationalize what had just happened. My heart hurt. I just didn’t know the reason for my hurt. Was it hurting for Zoe and everything she’d been through? Was it hurting because she didn’t tell me?

  “Luke,” I heard a desperate gasp, “help.”

  Shit.

  My feet hit the floor in one motion arriving in the bathroom to see her slumped against the wall, gasping for air. She was shaking, her skin now grey. I dropped to my knees, taking her hands in mine.

  “Look at me, Zoe. Concentrate on me. Let’s breathe together. Slowly in, now slowly out. That’s it, again, but slower this time.” Panic had overtaken her body. “I’ve got you, baby, just keep with me. In, hold that breathe, then let it out nice and slow. That’s it.” Her body trembled, so I hooked my arms under and picked her up off the bathroom floor. I took her back to the bedroom to get her warm. Her body temperature had dropped due to the attack. It hadn’t even occurred to me that we were both naked, her body needing my heat. Sitting on the bed with Zoe in my lap, I wrapped the quilt around us both, rubbing her back until she calmed.

  “It’s all okay, Zoe. We can talk this through. You’re okay. You just need to relax and then we can worry about what has happened.”

  Her body was starting to calm and the trembling slowed. Again, she tucked into my chest, head resting on my heart, leaving me torn about how I should feel. I already had so much affection for this woman. Today, she just totally floored me. How did I even start the conversation?

  ‘Hey, Zoe, why didn’t you tell me we’d already fucked years ago?’

  That wasn’t going to help, but a part of me was still angry at her. The other part of me who cared deeply couldn’t stand seeing her so upset. I needed to know more. I needed to know it all. I couldn’t let her go until we got through this, even if it took all night.

  18

  Zoe

  “I’M SO SORRY.” It was all I could say over and over again in my own head. Finally, I managed to whisper the words out loud. “I’m so sorry, Luke.” At this stage there were so many things I was sorry for.

  Sorry I didn’t tell him.

  Sorry he witnessed another panic attack.

  Sorry I ruined our night and possibly us, just when we finally thought we had an us.

  Sorry for being me. Just like they always said, never worth anything to anyone.

  “Zoe, talk to me. Tell me what’s going on. I need to know.”

  I couldn’t look up at Luke. If I saw the hurt in his eyes, that would make it real. I put the hurt there. Hurt that I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to take it away.

  “Please understand I never wanted to hurt you. I don’t even know where to begin.” Tears continued to fall. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to tell this story without crying. Maybe that was what I needed to do. Get the words out, release the tears, and then walk away, leaving Luke to find someone worthy of his love

  “Take your time, we have all night. I will admit I’m confused and a little upset but I’m not going anywhere. You’ll have to try harder than this to get rid of me.” His finger softly slid under my chin. I fought against the pressure of him lifting my face. “Look at me, Zoe. You need to lay all your cards on the table
. To do that, you need to be looking at me. Not hiding from me or from yourself.”

  Reluctantly, I gave in and allowed him to raise my face but kept my eyes downcast.

  “Really look at me. My eyes, Zoe. Look me in the eyes. We need to see each other. You need to know that it’s okay.”

  This man had no idea how hard it was to fulfil that request. No one had ever really seen the real me. No one had cared enough to try. The only one who had ever come close was Luke.

  “Plus, you have the most beautiful eyes and I want to be reminded of that. You may have hidden them from me once, but never again.”

  Finally, our eyes met and just like normal, I found peace and affection. Like Luke always said, it was like being home. He deserved to know what happened. Even if he hated me for it.

  “I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you. I was in a really bad place the first time I met you. By the time we met again in the office, I’d tried so hard to leave that life behind. I’d run from all there was that dragged me down. I thought I had moved far enough away from where I’d lived. Far enough away from the men who might recognize me. When I saw you for the first time, I thought I had blown it. The job, and my new life, all in the first five minutes. When I saw your face, you took my breath away. It was like I was right back there in the hotel room. It was a night I have never forgotten.” I stopped to inhale deeply, my chest still hurting. I felt so vulnerable and weak.

  “Me either. I have dreamt about you for years. My daffodil girl with her broken heart.”

  “Oh, Luke. I never stopped dreaming of you. Never in a million years did I think I would find you again.”

  “Well, I guess the universe had other ideas for us.”

  Luke swiped my tears with his thumb.

  “That night, I’d gone to the bar to pick up a one-night stand.” His body tensed around me. “It’s not something I am proud of. I was in a bad place mentally and although it is wrong, I did it to try to make me feel, just for a short amount of time. Sex gave me pleasure. It took away the hurt I felt every day. It made me numb but made me think I was wanted. Growing up, I had no control over anything. In the bad world where I lived, I believed the only thing I was good for was sex, and the only men who would want me, would be the ones I was paying to have sex with me. They would be just like my mother, ready to screw me over.”

  “What the fuck!” Luke didn’t hold back. I knew it would be hard for him.

  “That is why I can’t tell you the whole story. It’s too painful. Just know, it’s not because I don’t want to but more because it is too hard for me.” Now my body filled with tension at the thought of my parents and their friends. It was like thousands of hot needles piercing my skin.

  “I hate the hurt I see in your eyes. I wish it wasn’t there.”

  “Me too, but I can’t change the past. Lord knows I would if I could.” Trying to sit up to put some distance between us, Luke was having none of it and hugged me tighter.

  “That first day in the office, I tried not to look at you. Going home that night, I was convinced you’d mention to everyone that you knew me, and that I was a slut, not someone you would want working for you, or your company. I desperately needed the job to survive. I was torn on what to do. I nearly walked away that night and never came back. I was so embarrassed of what I’d done. The problem was, everyone seemed so nice and Zach looked like he needed some help. I wanted the job. A part of me, although I couldn’t admit it at the time, hoped you would recognize me. Being that close to you again felt good. I couldn’t explain why but I just liked being near you. Not sleeping that night, I took the risk and turned up to work the next day praying that everything would be okay. I kept my head down and tried not to look at you when you were around my office. You seemed to treat me like everyone else, so I took a big sigh of relief. I had been working hard to better my life and this job was going to help finally pull me out of the hole I had been living in. You know the rest of the story. Saving madly to buy my own place, one that no one can take away from me. My safe place. All mine. Where I get to be in control. Where I can just be me.” His eyes were glued to mine although they’d softened.

  “You should have told me, Zoe. I just don’t know how to process all this.”

  “Don’t you understand? I couldn’t. I wasn’t that girl from the bar anymore. That was who you thought you knew. I didn’t know what you really thought of her. Was she just another good fuck? Did you even remember me from that night? Would your opinion from that night cloud what you thought of me now?”

  He ran a frustrated hand through his hair, seemingly conflicted over my explanation. A part of him was hurt and angry. I could still see it in his eyes. I just could, ready to screw me over tell how much of him was hurt, and how much was the soft forgiving Luke.

  “You never gave me the chance to work it out. I wish you would have trusted me to answer those questions.” He leaned back against the headboard, his eyes focusing on the ceiling. A sigh escaped from his lips while he figured out what to say.

  “I know no matter what my reasons, I should have told you back then. I’m sorry, Luke. I really am. I will leave as soon as I’m dressed. I’ll start looking for another job.” I pushed against his chest and rose from the bed. My heart was broken. Strong hands reached out and grabbed my waist, stopping me in my tracks.

  Luke

  “You. Are. Mine. What don’t you understand about those words? I am not letting you go. I might be hurt and confused but I meant what I said in the beginning. No matter what happens, or what you say to me, it is not going to make me turn and walk away from you. The Zoe I know did what she thought she had to. If that was the right or wrong choice, who knows. Doesn’t mean I’m turning my back on you now.” Drawing her body back against mine, no matter how I felt right in that moment, Zoe would always feel like home.

  “We work through this together. Maybe, I’ll just have to spank you for your punishment of not telling me.” After a groan, Zoe started to laugh. “You know you will enjoy it. Wait… it’s supposed to be a punishment, not a turn-on. Or is it me getting turned on, my cock already hard as a rock? I’ll have you across my knees, your raw ass exposed. Sounds pretty fucking good to me.” A part of me was still hurting but my usual way of coping with anything in my life was to make people laugh. Even myself.

  “Luke, be serious.” At least the sense of panic had left her eyes. There was still a little fear and uncertainty, from not knowing how I really felt. That, I could cope with.

  “Oh, I’m dead serious. Why would I joke about wanting to see my handprints stamped in red on your cute little ass? Now that would be a work of art, I think.”

  Zoe rolled. The feel of her body under my hands relaxed. Sighing heavily, she finally asked me a question she needed answered.

  “I know I’ve just blown your mind, Luke, but I need to know what you’re thinking. I feel like I’m dying on the inside from the hurt I see in your eyes. You forget I know you. Not the Luke everyone else knows. I know my Luke. The soft, caring guy who wears his heart on his sleeve with me. You’re making jokes and that’s a sure sign you’re trying to cover up your hurt.” No matter what happened in our lives, Zoe’s gentle, soulful look was going to slay me every time. I could never deny her. I wanted to tell her I was fine, but it would be a lie. There had been enough of those for now. We needed to start talking truth.

  From that very moment, truth was all there could be if we were to make a life together. I might be hurt but I wasn’t stupid. My girl only did what she had to because she thought it was for the best. Now I just needed to find out the story behind the pain. I knew in my heart I wasn’t going to like it.

  “Baby, I won’t lie. I think we both need only the truth from now on, for both of us.” Again, she sagged against my body, shame written all over her face.

  “Agreed,” she whispered, lacking confidence. “I may not be able to tell you everything, but no more lies. I promise.”

  “That’s all I ask.” I was trying to work out i
n my head how to say what I truly felt. Being serious was always much harder than a good joke.

  “You’re right. It hurts that you didn’t trust me enough back then to share that with me. It kinda hurts that after all this time, you still couldn’t tell me. I do understand why you kept it to yourself. I’ll be honest, there are plenty of things I’ve done that my family knows nothing about and I hope they never do. Mom would be horrified to hear about her innocent little boy and his womanizing ways back then.”

  “Bet they involved Andrew,” she mumbled.

  Laughter erupted from deep down within me. “Of course, they did. We were thick as thieves back then.”

  “I’m not sure I like him.” Zoe looked at me for the first time in a while.

  “Sweetheart, you haven’t even met him. He is all talk but as harmless as a lamb.”

  “Yeah, right.” I could see her mind was already made up. He was going to have a tough time persuading her when they met. Served him right for being a dick on the phone.

  “He was at the bar that night we met. He will think this is hilarious when he finds out. He gave me heaps for months when I searched so hard to find you.” As the words left my mouth, Zoe gasped and sat staring straight at me.

  “You looked for me?” she asked, voice trembling. “You really cared enough to look for me?”

  The longing in her was hard to resist. My hands instantly cupped her face, pulling her to me. “Baby, I cared more than you realized. You ran away that night, but you left with a piece of me I have never given up looking for.” Lowering my mouth, I placed a delicate kiss on each cheek before tasting her lips. The kiss was different to the many before it. Soft, sensual, and full of meaning. I was telling her everything I wanted to, but the right words escaped me.