Hooray! Hooray! Down falls the cherry blossom! —
He waves his arms. He waits.
Then he yells —
You’ve got a spare, haven’t you? A jack? —
The Char and Harry remain with their backs to the audience.
CHAR
A man came to see me the other day —
HARRY
And had he?
CHAR
He said he’d come to mend the lights —
She waits.
No.
She looks at the Barman.
He had some wire; and one of those hats, you know, like witches.
HARRY
And two barrels like imitation leather suitcases?
They wait.
The Barman seems to be in despair. He acts, facing the audience —
BARMAN
— What would you do if a black man wanted to marry your daughter? But a black man doesn’t want to marry my daughter! What is this, the pharmaceutical industry?
HARRY
There was a game of rugger the other day and one of the front row forwards became pregnant.
CHAR
Why do you talk like that?
HARRY
What —
The Char seems to copy the Hostess —
CHAR
Do — you — know — what — plane — she’s — on —
Harry stares at her. Then he turns from her and gestures round the room.
HARRY
We lived here one summer, she and I. It was a small house, with a lawn and garden —
CHAR
You had a child?
HARRY
It was in its pram. It looked up to the leaves, the shadows. Children see by what they learn —
CHAR
What would it have learned?
HARRY
A sort of terror, breaking.
He turns to the Char and tries to put an arm round her.
The Char pushes him away.
CHAR
No —
HARRY
Why not —
The Char seems to quote —
CHAR
— Because I don’t love you —
They wait.
It is as if a cue has been missed.
Harry turns to the Barman —
HARRY
This is impossible.
The glass door, right, opens and the Hostess comes in. She turns and holds the door as if there were a wind blowing from outside.
There come in through the door, as if there were no wind, Waldorf and Geordie, an older and a younger man. They are dressed in fashionable clothes. They carry briefcases. It is possible that one of them might be a woman.
WALDORF
No questions —
GEORDIE
No questions —
WALDORF
Just say we’re delighted to be here —
GEORDIE
We’re delighted to be here —
WALDORF
I had a grandmother, or something, who was born in this part of the world —
GEORDIE
He had a grandmother, or something, who was born in this part of the world.
WALDORF
Lead on —
GEORDIE
Who —
WALDORF
I’ve forgotten.
They go to the table, right, and put down their briefcases. Then they look round the room.
The Hostess has managed to close the glass door. Then she turns to Harry.
Harry, at the bar, is looking at the gothic door. The Barman has gone to the machine at the back and is facing it as if it were a pin-table. He pulls a knob. A few lights come on; then fade out.
GEORDIE
Where’s the car —
BARMAN
No car.
GEORDIE
Can I telephone?
BARMAN
You can try.
Geordie has gone to the machine where the Barman is standing. He seems to be waiting for a telephone to be free.
The Char is watching Harry.
Then the Char and the Barman seem to talk as if prompting Waldorf and Geordie.
CHAR
— Where’s the child —
BARMAN
— Where’s the money —
CHAR
— At the airport — ?
The Hostess comes and stands by Harry. She stares at him. After a time Harry seems to quote —
HARRY
— I love only you, you see, I’ve never loved anyone else in my life —
Then he knocks the papers the Hostess is holding out of her hand: they fall to the floor. He and the Hostess stare at one another as if in hostility.
The Barman leaves the machine. He comes and stands by Waldorf at the table, right.
BARMAN
And where have you been? Bangkok? Honolulu?
Geordie picks up the handpiece of a telephone which is on the right side of the machine. He begins to dial. The Barman speaks looking at the audience.
Put a nosebag on him and you couldn’t tell him from the one-legged horse.
Waldorf is sitting facing the audience.
Geordie continues dialling — a dozen or so numbers.
The Barman listens, standing by Waldorf.
Once one didn’t wake up for three days. Papers piled up against his front door. They couldn’t get past his milk bottles!
The Hostess has got down on her hands and knees and is picking up her pages from the floor. Harry watches her.
Geordie has finished dialling.
The Barman speaks to Waldorf.
BARMAN
Like some soap?
WALDORF
And water.
BARMAN
How many lumps?
WALDORF
Four.
Harry puts out a foot and, balancing delicately, lifts up, from behind, the skirt of the Hostess, who is collecting her papers from the floor. The Hostess becomes still.
The Barman moves back to the machine. He waits for Geordie, who is listening to the receiver. After a time Geordie puts the receiver down as if there had been no reply.
The Barman rolls his sleeves up. He takes hold of the machine.
BARMAN
Now comes the big moment of the day. I love this machine, but I can’t satisfy it! I push it here — pull it there —
He struggles with the machine: bangs it. Then he puts his arm round it as if trying to lift it. Then he bows his head and puts an ear against it
— Bitch! I know you’ve got it!
Then he seems to cry.
The Hostess has stood up. She grabs a bottle from the bar and hits at Harry with it.
Harry holds her arm: smiles.
HARRY
Was there a lady on your aeroplane?
After a time Geordie seems to think that Harry is talking to him.
GEORDIE
Was there a lady on my aeroplane?
The Barman speaks excitedly with his ear against the machine.
BARMAN
I can hear it — kicking!
The Hostess puts the bottle back on the bar.
Geordie is staring at Harry.
GEORDIE
What time does it open?
HARRY
What —
GEORDIE
The museum.
Harry stares at him.
Then the machine makes a whirring noise, as if of a ticker-tape machine, or computer. The Barman raises his head. He waits while a bit of paper comes out. Then he takes the bit of paper and seems to be reading it.
The Char says to Harry —
CHAR
My husband doesn’t get home till ten.
HARRY
What else does he do?
CHAR
He’s a university lecturer.
Harry is watching the Barman.
The Barman screws the bit of paper up and throws it to the floor.
Harry c
lutches his arm where the Hostess has hit at him. Then he falls on to his hands and knees on the floor. He crawls to where there is the piece of paper.
Waldorf has looked round at Harry; then at the Char; then at the Barman; then at Geordie.
Geordie comes and stands behind him.
Waldorf faces front. He acts as if he has had a cue, and is lecturing —
WALDORF
I want to say something about the decent things of life. There has to be some morality beyond that of power and money There was once the English gentleman. He had long hair and wore a beard. He had nothing to do with tradesmen. He marched through the streets on Sundays —
He breaks off as if he is uncertain that he has done the right thing.
Harry picks up the piece of paper and sits at one of the tables, left, reading it.
The Hostess, who has been watching him, goes out of the gothic door, left.
Then Harry screws the piece of paper up and throws it on to the floor again.
The Char comes and sits at the table, left, with Harry.
CHAR
He’s — the only word I can think of — arid. I want to have a relationship with him, but I can’t. He wants me to dress up as Napoleon. I want to say — Kissey kissey make-up — but I can’t.
HARRY
You want him back?
CHAR
Yes.
HARRY
Then lay a trap —
CHAR
How?
HARRY
Dig a pit. Cover it with old milk bottles. Then when he comes to fetch his clothes —
CHAR
He won’t —
Harry shouts —
HARRY
Then sell them!
Geordie, standing behind Waldorf as if he were a hairdresser, has been watching Harry and the Char.
After a time —
WALDORF
Is he one of ours?
GEORDIE
I think so.
WALDORF
And him?
GEORDIE
I don’t know.
WALDORF
The woman?
GEORDIE
It was agreed —
WALDORF
What a place!
GEORDIE
That’s why they chose it.
WALDORF
Why?
GEORDIE
I promised never to tell.
WALDORF
Then never, never do —
The machine makes a whirring sound, as if it were a fruit machine. Then it is silent.
The Barman has remained standing, in front of it.
Then he murmurs —
BARMAN
Ever try it?
HARRY
No.
The Barman yells like a fielder in a cricket match —
BARMAN
’Owzat!
Then he turns to the audience.
Some team, I think. On Sundays.
He squats down, with his hands out towards the audience, like a wicket-keeper. Behind him the machine makes a loud tinkling noise, as if coins were pouring out.
Geordie, behind Waldorf at the table, right, brushes at Waldorf’s collar and straightens his hair.
He looks at the audience as if it were a mirror. The Char speaks to Harry.
CHAR
I remember you in your pram.
HARRY
No!
The Barman, crouching, makes a noise, as if he were imitating music, or a machine gun —
BARMAN
— Da da di dum dum. Da da di da —
The char seems to change her tune.
CHAR
— Ah there was a spirit in those days!
The boys with their little tails going!
Their drums like bells! —
HARRY
And you were left with an only son to bring up?
CHAR
As a matter of fact he did very well in the war —
HARRY
That’s why he had to go for a quiet pull in the pub —
CHAR
You’re not just doing this to be nice to me, are you?
The Barman straightens and looks at the flies.
BARMAN
It goes on all the time. Like seeds. Like parachutes.
He waits. He looks at the audience.
Leaping up the waterfalls. Breaking down the walls.
Then he goes behind the bar. He acts —
— Good evening, sir, and what can I do for you? I hear you’ve got some Pakistanis on your billiard table. You won’t be able to get into your own pockets next —
He laughs.
Harry gets up from the table, left, and goes and sits at the bar.
HARRY
If only she’d say something — !
BARMAN
Didn’t she? What —
HARRY
What were you doing last night. The names of your dearest friends —
Geordie speaks over Waldorf’s head, facing the audience.
GEORDIE
Put your tongue out —
He mimes wiping the corner of Waldorf’s mouth with a handkerchief. He puts his hands on Waldorf’s shoulders.
Got your umbrella?
Geordie takes a newspaper from one of the briefcases and rolls it up and puts it under Waldorf’s arm. Waldorf’stands. Then Geordie leads Waldorf to the back of the stage on the right. He seems to be posing him there.
BARMAN
You’d still have to go —
HARRY
Grow?
BARMAN
Go!
Harry looks round.
HARRY
On this strange planet.
The Barman, behind the bar, takes a plug and wire and plugs the wire into a socket on the wall at the back.
Then he comes from behind the bar and sits on a stool in front, by Harry, watching the machine as if it were television.
The glass door opens, right, and a woman in the dress of the Hostess comes in. She stands looking down at her papers.
Harry turns to her: seems about to speak: then stops.
There come in through the glass door, right, Smudger and Norbert, an older and a younger man. They are dressed in holiday clothes. They carry travelling bags and a radio. It is possible that one of them might be a woman. They walk one behind the other. They act —
SMUDGER
Mule train halt!
NORBERT
We’re outside our own hotel, Daddy —
SMUDGER
What do you think the poet was trying to say?
NORBERT
The nature of time, and of human responsibility.
They put down their bags and radio on the table, right They look round the room Waldorf is posed with the newspaper under his arm. Geordie is standing looking at him as if he were a statue. The woman like the Hostess looks up at Harry. She is older than the original Hostess.
HOSTESS
Hullo —
HARRY
Hullo —
HOSTESS
I was afraid you might not remember me —
HARRY
Oh yes, I loved only you, you see. I never loved anyone else in my life —
The Hostess puts her head in her hands.
HOSTESS
I feel so guilty!
Smudger goes and looks at Waldorf’s feet, as if he were a statue and there were an inscription there. He seems to read —
SMUDGER
— The column, drawn by six white horses, rose to a height of several thousand feet —
He looks up at Waldorf.
— Slowly our forefathers moved down the Mall —
Norbert watches Smudger.
NORBERT
— There were not many left to tell —
He breaks off. It is as if he and Smudger had been trying out some code.
HARRY
That’s not right, is it?
The Hostess looks up at Harry.
No.
The Barman leans forward and gives the machine a bang.
Geordie has been watching Smudger and Norbert.
GEORDIE
What’s he carrying?
Smudger and Norbert look at Waldorf.
SMUDGER
A wireless?
Harry speaks to the Hostess.
HARRY
A child?
NORBERT
A rolled-up newspaper?
The Hostess turns towards the gothic doorway, left. Then she looks back at Harry.
Smudger holds his hand out to Waldorf.
SMUDGER
Smudger —
Waldorf relaxes: takes his hand.
WALDORF
Waldorf —
Smudger turns to introduce Norbert.
SMUDGER
Nobby —
Norbert holds out his hand to Waldorf who comes forward and takes it.
WALDORF
Wally —
He turns to Geordie —
Geordie —
Geordie comes up and holds out his hand.
SMUDGER
Smudger
NORBERT
Norbert —
Geordie takes Smudger’s hand: then Norbert’s —
GEORDIE
That’s not right is it?
They wait.
The Barman leans forward and gives the machine a bang.
Catastrophe Practice Page 10
