Guardian (The Guardian Series Book 1)

by A. J. Messenger

  I turn on my phone and there are several voicemails and text messages waiting for me from Alexander, asking where I am and if I’m okay. He must have been worried when I didn’t show up to homeroom.

  I text him back, laying the foundation for my plan. “Still not 100%. Will b in latr. Talk after school?”

  Our afternoon schedules are different so as long as I arrive after lunch I can avoid him if I take precautions between classes. But after school I won’t be able to hide any longer. I’ll have to do the one thing I never imagined I would do. Ever. And I have to make Alexander believe it.

  After lying in bed for far too long, I drag myself to the shower and let ice cold water spray on my face to bring the swelling down. It’s a miserable assault but it matches how I feel inside and I’m immune to the pain. I get dressed, pulling on jeans and the first shirt my hand touches in the closet. I put my hair in a ponytail and stare at my face in the mirror. Despair-filled eyes peer back. I can’t avoid it any longer. I decide to ride my bike rather than drive Archie. It’s misty wet and the cold air stings my face as I pedal into the wind but I don’t care.

  I arrive just in time for fifth period. Liz is already there and she waves to me as I walk in the door and sit down at the desk next to her.

  “You okay?” she asks. “Alexander said you were sick last night and this morning. Food poisoning or something.”

  “I’m not feeling great.”

  “Yeah, you don’t look so great. You look like you’ve been hit in the face with a million tiny hammers.”

  I feign a smile but it doesn’t reach my eyes.

  “Sorry, Dec. Just trying to make you laugh. You sure that’s all it is? Food poisoning?”

  “I’m just a little down, and not much in the mood for conversation. Mind if we talk later instead?”

  “Sure,” she says, sounding worried. “Whenever you feel like talking you know I’m always here.” She reaches over and squeezes my hand.

  I manage a small smile of thanks and we both turn to the front as class begins.

  I don’t recall a thing from any of my afternoon classes. My mind spins ceaselessly with what I have to do and how I have to do it. I think I’m going to be physically ill again when the final bell rings and it’s time to meet up with Alexander. I remind myself over and over why Edwin said I must do this and I steel myself as I walk my bike to where he’s waiting by his car.

  He runs up to take the bike from me and gives me a hug. I keep my arms by my sides.

  “How are you feeling? I was worried about you all day.” He starts to lift my bike into his car and I stop him.

  “Don’t.”

  He looks puzzled. “What? Why?”

  “Because we need to talk and I want to bike home.”

  A look of worry crosses his face. “Declan, what’s going on?”

  “You told me to tell you if I ever wanted out and, well, now I do. I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore.”

  His look of shock and hurt pierces my heart. “What are you saying? How can you mean that?”

  My resolve starts to crumble but I remind myself that Alexander’s safety depends on him wanting to get as far away from me as possible. We can’t just break up and remain friends. I have to be convincing and I have to be cruel.

  “I can’t be in a relationship with someone I can hardly touch. It’s frustrating and ridiculous and, as you’ve said many times, there’s no loophole, so there’s no end to it. It’s not a complete relationship and I deserve something more.”

  He looks at me with skepticism combined with hurt and complete confusion. I know it doesn’t sound like me. I have to do better.

  “And you’re overbearing. Always needing to know my schedule, never letting me go anywhere alone—you’re trying to control me and it’s suffocating. I’m tired of having you around all the time. I need to be alone sometimes. I can take care of myself.”

  He looks as though I’ve struck him physically. He’s frozen, incredulous. “But I’m protecting you. Don’t you understand that? I love you and I could never let anything happen to you. I’ll have someone else protect you if you want some space. All you had to do was ask. Declan, what’s going on? What happened?” He pauses and then asks in a pained whisper, “Are you saying you don’t love me anymore?”

  The torment on his face is unbearable. I have to shut off my emotions completely or I know I’ll fall apart. My heart bursts with anguish but it’s time to play my last, cruel card.

  “No, Alexander, the truth is, I never loved you.” My mouth forms the words but it’s as if they’re coming from another person. I’ve disengaged from my body because it’s the only way I can get through what I have to say next.

  “I thought it was love but I realize now that it was a mistake. I suffered from panic attacks my whole life and I didn’t think they would ever end. You released me from that pain and I never felt so free. It’s only natural that I might confuse my feelings of gratitude for love. I’m a different person without anxiety. I’m in control. I misconstrued my feelings for you. Once I realized it, I felt obligated because you helped me so much, but I can’t go on like this and I don’t need your help any longer. I’m ready for a real relationship, with someone I truly love, and with someone who can act on their feelings. Not with a boy who can only talk.”

  The expressions that flash over Alexander’s face change from hurt to disbelief and then to acceptance and even disgust. I can see in his eyes he’s reevaluating what kind of person I am—what kind of person I must have always been but he didn’t see it until now—and it cuts me to the core.

  With hardness in his voice that slices like a steel blade, Alexander stares at me coldly and says, “I won’t bother you again.”

  I mask the horror I feel inside as he gets into his car and drives away … out of my life.

  I’ve done my duty successfully, Edwin will be glad to know. But I’m a broken human being and I’ll never be the same again.

  Chapter Fourteen

  “Declan?” My mom calls out to me from the kitchen when I open the front door. She comes around the corner and when she sees my face she drops the dish towel in her hand and wraps her arms around me.

  “Oh honey, what happened? Did you have another fight with Alexander?”

  I erupt into heaving sobs at the mention of his name. “We broke up, mom. We broke up.” That’s all I can get out as I start shaking uncontrollably, my tears soaking her shoulder.

  We stay like that for a long time: My mom rocking me side to side, hugging me tightly, and smoothing my hair. “It’s okay, it’s okay,” she whispers, over and over like a meditation. Slowly my sobbing subsides and I pull away to look into her eyes and use both hands to wipe the tears from my face. It’s a useless endeavor because more stream down to take their place, but I continue the effort, attempting to gain a measure of control.

  “Why?” my mom asks, genuine pain in her voice. “What happened?”

  I shake my head, still wiping tears. “It’s for the best. I don’t want to talk about it if that’s okay. I just feel so sad.”

  “Did he hurt you, honey? Did he do something?” Her fierce mother bear protectiveness is kicking in.

  “No. Nothing like that. I broke up with him. We’re too different. It won’t ever work.”

  “Really, sweetie? I never got that impression. Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?”

  I shake my head slowly. “I think I just want you to hug me.”

  “Well that I can do,” she says as she squeezes me tight and walks with me to the family room.

  We sit on the couch and hug in silence for a while. I’m slouched down, resting my head on her shoulder with my feet curled to the side under a pillow. My mom smoothes my hair as she holds me and, eventually, my tears run dry. My eyes feel swollen and sore.

  “Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it, honey? I don’t want to push you, but I might have some good advice.”

  “I don’t even want to think
about it,” I croak, shaking my head.

  “Okay, well how about if I run you a hot bath. You can soak awhile and then I’ll make us some hot cocoa and we can sit on the couch and watch a movie. To take your mind off things. Maybe a funny one. We haven’t watched a movie together in a while. I’ll pull out some blankets and we can make it nice and cozy.”

  I nod, devoid of emotion. Maybe a movie would be good—anything but a romance. I turn to stare out the window. It’s cold and gray outside and suddenly I shiver. I slide the dark brown chenille throw off the arm of the sofa and spread it over me. I can’t help but think my aura is probably brown right now, too—a bitterly perfect mud brown to match how I feel inside.

  My mom calls to me when the bath is ready. As I sink down into the hot, bubbly water, I just want to keep sinking. I slide down until my face is submerged, blocking out all sound, all thought. I don’t want to surface. Eventually I come up for air and I lay in the tub, staring blankly at the wall, until my fingertips shrivel and the water cools. My mom has laid out flannel pajamas on my bed and when I come downstairs she hands me a steaming mug of hot cocoa.

  We get settled on the couch and my mom flips through our Netflix and cable offerings, looking for a movie that will guarantee some laughs. I don’t think any movie could possibly distract me from the pain I’m feeling but I’m willing to try. We settle on Monty Python and the Holy Grail, an old favorite. I hardly pay attention, but it feels good to be snuggled under blankets with my mom with something mindless in front of me. By the time Arthur battles the Black Knight (who keeps trash talking even after all his limbs are cut off) I even smile a little.

  I go to bed early and sleep heavy, emotionally and physically drained. Somehow I make it through the next day in a fog. I expect Alexander to try to talk to me and I have plans to avoid him, but instead I find that he’s the one doing the avoiding. The few times our eyes meet he stares at me blankly and turns away. I didn’t think I could possibly feel any more pain than what I felt as he drove away yesterday but his disdain delivers me to another level of heartache.

  As I round the corner into the quad at lunch, I see him talking to Liz and Finn so I stop and start to head in the other direction. Liz catches my eye and raises a finger as if to say, “Hold on a sec,” so I wait close by, head down, kicking at the dirt with the tips of my Vans. A few minutes later Alexander hugs Liz and walks away. Finn and Liz come over to me immediately.

  “You broke up with Alexander?” Liz asks, incredulous.

  I nod.

  “Why?” Liz and Finn ask in a chorus.

  “What did he tell you?” I want to make sure my explanation squares with whatever he said.

  “Something about the two of you not being right for each other after all,” Liz says. “It doesn’t really make sense to me.”

  Alexander’s explanation sends a stab of pain directly to my heart. I swallow and steel myself to deliver the lie I prepared. “It was never going to work anyway. Eventually he’ll go back to Australia and I’ll be in college here. It’s for the best, but it hurts and it’s too hard to talk about, to be honest.”

  Liz searches my eyes, confused. “I still don’t understand. But okay, I won’t press you for now. There’s no chance for reconciliation?”

  I shake my head and she mirrors the sadness in my eyes as she hugs me tightly.

  I’m desperately trying not to cry. I have to keep up the charade that I want this. It’s the only way to make it believable.

  “I’m really sorry, Declan. I liked Alexander,” Finn says, sadly.

  I nod. “Thanks, Finn.” It feels good to be around his steadfast energy.

  He reaches over and squeezes my hand gently. “It’s going to be okay,” he says, looking into my eyes.

  I nod, but inside I know he’s all wrong.

  The next day passes in much the same way and then it’s blessedly the weekend. I’m free to go to work at Jack’s and come home without worrying about running into Alexander and seeing the blank disillusionment in his eyes. If I take the long way around, I don’t even have to pass by his house. I can’t shake the feeling I’m being observed while I’m biking to work, though, and I wonder if Edwin has someone else watching me for protection.

  After closing, Jack stays inside to do some paperwork and I go outside to wait for my mom. I do my usual routine with Jimmy, giving him a bag of food and we exchange our typical chitchat. When I say goodbye I walk my bike to the front of the parking lot where I can see my mom when she pulls in. I don’t want to ride home in the dark. Eric is the security guard on shift. He’s fairly new and his routine is different from Antonio’s. I don’t see him walking the perimeter. He must be on the far side of the lot behind the falafel bar.

  As I stand waiting, a figure steps out of the shadows and into my line of vision. I jump and emit a startled cry.

  “I think you’re being a little overly dramatic,” says Avestan.

  I look around for Eric but I still don’t see him. Or anyone. I thought Edwin would have other guardians protecting me. Where are they? I grip my bike tightly and turn to head back toward the restaurant.

  “There’s no need to run away. I’m only here to give you some information. About your boyfriend.”

  “I don’t have a boyfriend,” I say as I start wheeling my bike away.

  “Oh, right. I heard about the break up. Sad story. An interesting thing about that: you think you were putting one over on him, but he’s the one who’s been fooling you this whole time.”

  I stop walking.

  “He told you I’m the bad guy, right? He’s the righteous one? I’m sure he sounded convincing. But the line between good and evil doesn’t exist. It depends on where you’re standing at the time.”

  I don’t say anything.

  “Did you really think he loved you? I mean, an angel falling for a mortal is a stretch. And although I have to admit you hold a certain attraction, you’re not exactly guardian material. Did that ever make sense to you, Declan?”

  He’s trying to make me doubt myself and it’s working. I feel small and ugly. I know I need to picture the white ball of light inside me as a defense, but his words are distracting. He knows all the buttons to push.

  “Here’s the truth: Alexander was assigned to protect you. They always assign him to your type. He tells you he loves you blah, blah, blah, because it makes his job easier to keep you close. All the girls fall for it,” he says with a bored sigh. “Did he tell you the “true love’s kiss” story? It’s so romantic none of you gullible mortals ever realize it’s just his way to avoid you. He could kiss you if he wanted to. The fact is, he doesn’t. You’re just one of many, Declan. So let me ask you, who is the true bad guy here? Me—the one telling you the truth? Or him—the one who has been lying to you all along?”

  It can’t be true. He’s just trying to get into my head. “Alexander would never do that.”

  “You don’t want to believe it—I can understand that. But ask yourself, how can he love you when he’s bound to another?”

  I look up, surprised.

  “He didn’t tell you about Alenna? She’s a guardian—far more suitable for him than a mortal.” He pauses to let that sink in. “If you doubt it, ask him. You’ll finally realize I’m the only one giving you the whole picture.”

  My expression is blank, confused.

  “Declan, this is your last chance. Come with me and I’ll tell you everything—including what Alexander doesn’t want you to know. You owe it to yourself to learn the full truth. You deserve to know, don’t you? Especially after the way he treated you.”

  “Declan? Everything alright?” Jimmy walks over to stand next to me. He must have come around from the back. It’s a relief to see him.

  “I’m okay. Thanks, Jimmy. Would you mind waiting with me until my ride gets here, though? Eric, the security guard, will be back around any moment, but I’d like the company.”

  I mention the security guard as a warning to Avestan. I don’t want Jimmy to be
in any danger by helping me.

  “Sure, Declan,” agrees Jimmy. Then he turns to Avestan with a hard stare. “Why don’t you move along now.”

  Avestan pauses and then gives a small nod of assent. “Think about what I said, Declan. I’ll be in touch,” he says grimly as he turns and walks away, leaving me shaking.

  “You sure you’re okay?” Jimmy asks after Avestan is gone.

  I start to nod and then let out a sigh of relief as my mom’s car turns into the parking lot. “You want a ride to the shelter?” I ask, turning toward him.

  “Nah, thanks. I think I’m gonna hang around here a bit,” he says as he walks back to his favorite bench.

  “Okay. Thanks again, Jimmy,” I call after him. My mom pulls the lever to pop the trunk and I lift my bike in with trembling arms. I peer over in the direction Avestan was walking, but he disappeared.

  My legs are still shaking as we drive away.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Alenna? Who is Alenna? I toss and turn all night, unable to sleep. Is she the beautiful blonde I saw him with that day at school? And at his house? And in my dream? Could anything Avestan said be true? Don’t fall for it, Declan, I keep telling myself. Don’t be an idiot. And yet … why didn’t Alexander tell me about her?

  And what about not being able to kiss? Alexander isn’t the only one who brought that up—Edwin counseled me on the dangers of our relationship, too. After all, that was the reason he made me break up with Alexander in such a cruel way, so Alexander wouldn’t have to resist all the time, weakening him, and …. What if it was all made up? Maybe Alexander grew tired of me so he and Edwin spun the tale together. That way, not only was the breakup my idea but I would conveniently avoid him afterwards, giving them just what they wanted.

  Have I been a fool?

  No, it can’t be true. The look on Alexander’s face when I broke up with him was real. And all those times he told me he loved me. You can’t fake that. Or can you? I was surprised the day after I told him it was over that Alexander didn’t even try to approach me. In retrospect, it seems that he accepted our breakup far too easily.