A Beautiful Mess b-2

by Emily Mckee

  Slamming my fist into the wall of my apartment I yelled, “FUCK! That bitch doesn’t even deserve me standing up for her because she fucking watched what you did to us!”

  I tried to calm myself down so I went to the refrigerator and pulled out an ice cold beer and took down half of it in one gulp. Slamming the bottle down I waited to hear what else he had to say.

  All I heard for a good minute was heavy wheezing but then he said, “I’ve wanted to apologize for a long fucking time now Jason. You have no idea how I feel about the way I treated you and Jade, but especially you. You were my punching bag for so many years, but the reason I’m asking you to forgive me is because I know that eventually you will. And I can say this because I know it’s the truth … you will forgive me because you are nothing like me. You are so much more. So much better than me. Than I ever will be.”

  I can’t say that I don’t think I deserve what’s happening to me because I know I do. I think it took Stage 4 liver cancer to finally call you because there hasn’t been a day where I haven’t wanted to pick up that phone and call you and do something so simple, yet so difficult as apologize for my actions and my betrayal. By blood I am your father but I haven’t been your father in a long fucking time. Probably since you and Jade were four, if that. But I’m asking if you’ll give me a chance to prove myself to you guys.”

  Through the process of his speech to me I went from complete rage to sympathy for this man. It’s sad that when something difficult happens that’s what it takes for some people to own up to their actions. To apologize for what they’ve done to those around them.

  I was getting ready to say something and I’m not sure what exactly but he said, “I’ll be here when you want to talk. If you want to talk,” and with that the line went dead and I was left speechless.

  I knew I had to get it over with so I called Jade and told her I would pick her up in fifteen minutes. She could tell something was wrong with me because she wasn’t her witty self. She was actually acting like when we both lived at home. She was scared and timid and shaking.

  Getting back to my apartment I told Jade to sit down on the sofa while I went to go get us some beers. Walking back over to the sofa I handed one to Jade and with shaky fingers she gripped the bottle and took a huge gulp.

  Wiping the excess beer from the corners of her mouth, she looked up at me and with tears in her eyes she said, “What’s the matter Jason?”

  Now it was my turn to take a gulp of my beer. I couldn’t look into her eyes when I uttered the one single word I would forever hate. “Dad.” I heard her take a huge deep breath and then I turned to her and wrapped her up in my arms and tried to calm her down.

  I hated myself for having to tell her because I knew she would just crumble. I knew it was going to be harder on her because while growing up I was the one getting hit all she could do was stand there and watch as our father beat the living fuck out of me and then try and bandage me up afterwards. I could only imagine how small she felt, but I made a promise to myself a long time ago, one that I am unwilling to break, that I would protect my sister till I take my last breath.

  After what seemed like forever Jade broke away from my arms and went to the bathroom to probably get some tissues. I just sat there on the sofa and slowly took sips of my beer because I didn’t know what else to do.

  I was just about to ask Jade if she was okay when she walked out into the living room and sat down and said, “Please don’t be mad at me when I say this, but I want to see him.”

  Taking a sip of my beer I placed it on the end table and then took her hands in mine. Looking up at her my heart began to break because her nose was red, her eyes were puffy, and her bottom lip was quivering. I kissed my little sister, by four minutes, on the forehead and said, “I’ll be there for support, but that’s all.”

  She attempted to give a small smile, but who could honestly smile at a time like this? Instead she wrapped her arms around my neck and said, “I love you Jason.”

  The rest of the school year seemed to go by in a complete blur for both Jade and I. I felt like it was a routine for me. I would get up, go to class and act like I was paying attention and then come home and either drink myself to sleep or Jade and I would talk. While that last month of school was torture, there was also light in the darkness because it brought Jade and I closer together as siblings but it pushed Ashlynn and I further away from each other as far as becoming a couple.

  Once our junior year of college ended both Jade and I packed up a week’s supply of clothes and went back to our hometown to visit our dad and talk to him. I wish I could say that our visit was pleasant, but it isn’t pleasant when you visit someone who you have hated all of your life and they’re apologizing solely because they’re dying.

  What I can say is that there were many tears shed and apologies made, but no forgiveness or peace was made. All I know is that from the conversation my father and I had earlier on the telephone it showed that I’m not such a mess and that I can be with Ashlynn. I just hope that she hasn’t given up on us yet.

  More importantly … on me.

  “Hey thanks again for the extra room. It’s like a miracle I found a place to live on such short notice.”

  My new roommate’s name was Neil James. He told me that he’d moved back to help with his family and apparently there were some issues going on but I could tell that it was close to home … literally. I totally got where the dude was coming from because I didn’t want to talk about my family issues either so whether he knew it or not we shared a common bond.

  I slapped him on the back and said, “Don’t sweat it, Neil. It’s nice to have a roommate because it gets kind of lonely around here sometimes.”

  Neil and I had just finished moving him into the apartment for the day. We both thought it would take a lot longer than three hours but it was still the afternoon. I decided to just relax for a Saturday night and maybe grow some balls and text Ashlynn.

  I know what you guys are thinking. That I haven’t seen Ashlynn in a month or two and I don’t even have the decency to call her but I was scared shitless of her rejection and I didn’t want to hear the words come from her beautiful mouth. I didn’t want to hear a sentence that formed, “I can’t Jason.”

  I decided to grab a beer from the fridge and just veg out in front of the television for a while. Neil plopped down next to me with a beer in hand and said, “Well, I was going to take my little brother and sister to the beach. You can come if you want.”

  I just smiled and said, “Thanks but I’m just not in the mood for it today. Maybe some other time.”

  Neil just slapped me on the back and said, “Well ok then,” and walked back to his room.

  I didn’t take my eyes off the television when he came out of his room and started to walk to the door but then he said, “When I come home we’re talking about the girl on your mind Jas,” and with that he left the apartment and it gave me time to be filled with my sorrows.

  I’m not sure exactly how many pep talks I had to give myself to finally text Ash, but I did, twice, and I can’t say that I blame her for saying:

  Ashlynn - … no we can’t. I’m attempting to move on, you should too.

  A half hour later Neil came back from the beach and told me all about this gorgeous girl he met and that he was taking her out on a date tonight. I was happy for him because at least one of us was living our life. After Neil got ready he came out to the living room and had a beer with me.

  Finishing his beer he said, “Well, wish me luck. I feel lucky about this one.”

  I laughed and said, “How lucky?”

  He just smirked and said, “That’s for me to know, but she seems like a special one.”

  A few hours later and a few more beers in my system I texted her again and just told her the truth.

  Jason – I’ll never move on Ashlynn.

  I was waiting for her to text back when I heard the front door unlock and open. “Back so soon Neil?”

  Ne
il just laughed and said, “Nah, she’s here with me.”

  I wanted to see the beautiful girl Neil met at the beach and took out for a date when I saw blonde hair and bright blue eyes staring at me and I said, “Ashlynn?”

  I thought she was going to collapse because she barely whispered my name, “Jason.”

  I couldn’t believe that Neil was talking about Ashlynn and I felt like someone kicked me in the balls because I couldn’t breathe. I looked over at Neil and he looked between me and Ashlynn and then I saw him get everything together.

  He looked over at me and said, “This is her.” It was more of a statement then a question because he could see with his own eyes our reactions.

  He then looked over at Ashlynn and said, “This is him.”

  The fuck does he mean by that? Were they talking about me on their date? And if they were then why was Neil bringing her back to our apartment? My blood instantly boiled and I slammed the beer I was holding onto the end table and staggered on over to Ashlynn.

  She looked terrified out of her mind and started walking backwards to the front door.

  I was just about to reach out to her when Neil pushed me away and said, “Dude, you need to calm down.”

  With words like that I completely lost it and shoved Neil away. “Fuck off Neil. You need to stay out of this.”

  Neil managed to get a hold of me from behind and said, “It’s not what you think Jason. You need to calm down and I’ll explain all of it to you, okay? But dude, you seriously need to calm the fuck down. Look at Ashlynn. You’re scaring the hell out of her.”

  With a shrug Neil let go of me and I looked over in Ashlynn’s direction and tears were falling down her face. I wanted to wipe them away but it felt like she fucking ripped my heart of its chest and stomped all over it. I just couldn’t deal with the dad issues and then to top it all off with a cherry my girl walking in with my roommate. What the fuck was I supposed to think?

  So I walked over to her and as calmly as I could I bit out the words, “I shared something so personal with you and you just fucking ripped my heart out. I thought you were different Ashlynn but I was so wrong about you. So incredibly fucking wrong.”

  The second the words left my mouth I wanted to fall to my knees and apologize but I didn’t have time because she turned her back to me and swung the front door open and ran.

  I just stood there and was then shoved out of the way by Neil who didn’t even look back at me when he said, “We are going to have a long fucking talk when I get back.”

  By the time I walked over to the sofa and sat down I was crying. I cried because I’d fucked this all up again. I cried because I made this mess when it wasn’t even necessary. I cried because of the words I said to Ashlynn when I didn’t mean a damn one. I cried because I just hope that she’ll have it in that huge heart of hers to forgive me yet again for being such a huge ass mess.

  I didn’t even hear the door open and close when Neil walked over and sat in a chair, looked at me and said, “Well, let’s start from the beginning then Jason.”

  He told me about how he met Ashlynn this afternoon at the beach and how he really liked her. He told me about how when they were at the restaurant they had a great time, but he could feel he and her were just going to be friends. He told me about how he could sense she wasn’t over someone and then she got a text. He then told me that he offered to let her vent to him about it over a couple of beers and she accepted.

  “Honestly man, I had no idea that Ashlynn was the girl, but what the fuck was that all about with you? How could you treat her like that? Because I could tell you from the way she saw your text at the restaurant she wasn’t over you. That was the first time since I met her that her eyes glistened and glittered and it looked like she was really alive for the first time and taking her first breath. And in a matter of, oh I don’t know, two minutes of you seeing her you take it all away.”

  Taking a huge breath I looked over at Neil and told him everything. I told him about my childhood and I told him about how my dad is dying. I told him about how the first time I laid eyes on Ashlynn I knew she was the one. The one who would save me. The one who would help me out of the mess I’m in. And in a dream world, the one I would marry. But now that I’ve talked to my dad the one I am positive without an ounce of question I will marry someday.

  By the time I finished Neil got up from the chair and walked over to the fridge and grabbed two beers. Popping the tops off he walked back over and handed me one and then sat down and took a huge gulp of his and said, “Well fuck me Jason.”

  He took another gulp and said, “You’ve got a lot of groveling and apologizing to do to make it up to Ashlynn. You know that right?”

  Now it was my turn to take a huge gulp of my beer. Struggling to swallow I said, “Yeah, got any advice?”

  He gave a low laugh and said, “Help on fixing the mess you’re in? Fuck no! I’ve got my own problems to deal with. I don’t need to add a chick into that because well, it would be a big mistake on my end and hers.”

  I just laughed and said, “Thanks for the advice Neil.”

  He got up out of the chair and slapped me on the back and said, “Anytime Jas,” and began to walk back to his room to let me have some peace and quiet to try and figure out how exactly I was going to get out of this mess with Ashlynn. Right before he closed his door he said, “Good luck with that mess Jason.”

  I just nodded my head and said, “Thanks. I’ll definitely need it.”

  Chapter 8

  Ashlynn

  Neil was nice enough to drive me home and the whole ride was filled with complete silence, besides my sniffling. By the time he parked the car I had somehow managed to stop crying but just before I got out of the car Neil said, “I don’t know what’s going on between you and Jason but I know that from the way he looked at you that he really cares about you. I know that you just met me today but please don’t give up on him.”

  I turned and gave Neil a kiss on the cheek and said, “Thanks Neil.”

  He smiled and nodded his head and said, “Anytime Ashlynn. I’m here if you ever need to talk or anything.”

  After nodding my head in understanding I closed the door and waved goodbye to him.

  Letting myself into my apartment I was grateful that Jade wasn’t there because I just needed my alone time to think about what in the hell was the right decision to make with Jason. I decided to take a long hot bubble bath to release the tension and calm down. I brought my Kindle in there with me to relax but I couldn’t even read, that’s how bad I was hurting.

  After an hour of dozing on and off in the bathtub I dried myself off with a warm towel and changed into a t-shirt and put on some panties and climbed into bed to try and at least get a good night’s sleep. I tossed and turned for what seemed like forever and then all of a sudden I heard rain pitter patter against the window and the wind blowing the trees back and forth. I loved listening to the sound of the rain, but then the thunder slowly erupted and shuddered.

  Thunderstorms are actually my favorite time. I love reading a book and cuddling up by the fireplace. That was my source of peace and tranquility, but right now in this moment I feel restless. My brain is running a mile a minute because I’m questioning everything that has happened between me and Jason. He showed me a piece of him that he hasn’t told anyone else about and then he ran away. I realized that he was testing me and I failed.

  I proved him right … that nobody stays.

  I was so scared of getting hurt that I didn’t open my eyes and my mind … but most importantly my heart to the possibilities of feeling happy and alive.

  My eyelids were starting to get heavy when there was a loud pounding coming from the door. I immediately jumped out of bed and my heart started pounding. I looked over at the clock and it read 12:30 a.m. and I wondered who it was. Before I walked out of my bedroom to the front door I bent down and pulled on some sweatpants.

  Walking out into the living room I heard another at the fro
nt door and doubled in movement to get to my destination much faster. I put my hand to the lock and unlocked it. I then took a deep breath and placed my hand on the knob and turned. The door was only halfway open when I saw Jason.

  He was standing there all disheveled and staring at me but looking as beautiful as ever. I took a second to drink him in.

  The way the rain was covering his hair and it was getting plastered to his face. The way his eyes were bearing into mine and looking deep into my soul.. The way when Jason breathed out I could see his chest rise and fall and the warm air leave his lungs. The way he was clenching his fists together and moving his weight from one foot to the other because of nerves. The way he was sucking his lower lip into his mouth and his eyebrows were scrunching together because he was thinking excessively hard.

  I thought he was going to say something but nothing left his mouth except carbon dioxide so I took a deep breath and said, “What do you want Jason?”

  While dropping his head to look at the pavement he placed his hands on his hips and let out a low laugh. Seconds went by and then his eyes met mine and he cupped my face in his hands. His thumbs moved back and forth along my cheeks to soothe me and then he whispered, “It’s not what I want Ash but more like who and it’s you. Ashlynn, I want you.”

  He huffed and said, “I love you.”

  He then crushed his mouth to mine and I wrapped my arms around his neck. We were standing in the doorway of my apartment but Jason lifted me in his arms and walked in closing the front door behind him.

  Jason set me down on the floor and we both just stared at one another. We were both breathing pretty heavily and neither of us knew what to do.

  Jason started to step back from me never taking his eyes off of me but I said, “Take the jacket off Jason.”

  He tilted his head but did as I said and just as he was about to set it on a nearby dining room chair I took fistfuls of his shirt in my hands and crashed my mouth to his. He wrapped his arms around my waist and lifted me so my feet were dangling from the floor. I wrapped my arms around him and held on for dear life, hoping he wouldn’t push me away again and say, “I can’t.” He started to kiss my neck as he walked us back to my room and my heart was beating wildly out of its chest.