Through All the Years

by Rod Carstens

  "How did you know?"

  "I knew it when I saw you react to Jack's news about the movie. I knew you were going places and I wasn't. It was just easier to leave. Jack and I talked about some things that day I had the flashback on the beach. I realized you could not have a Marine boyfriend and still have a career back then. I knew I had to find a way to break it off. I thought Nam would be my out. Your leaving gave me an out. I didn't have to say goodbye pretending you were going to be there when I got back. "

  "Tom please...."

  "No listen. Once I got to Nam I fooled myself into thinking that I was wrong that night on the beach. I convinced myself that you would wait for me. But I knew somewhere that it was not meant to be. I needed a slap in the face to bring me back to reality. Vietnam was that slap in the face. I knew it the moment I stepped off the plane. Seeing the Big Waves at a firebase just before I left Nam convinced me that no matter how it ended was for the best. Look if your looking for forgiveness or some kind of understanding then you have it. As I said Mama Mac explained how women protect themselves. I understand it, I think that you do too just in different ways. Ok?"

  "It took me years to understand what happened."

  "Look your making my point we were just all along for the ride. It was the Sixties, Vietnam and all the other forces that were rolling around back then. We would never have met if it weren't for Vietnam. The war threw us together then pulled us apart. It would not have worked even if you had waited for me. I didn't get out till '71. That was another big year for you. Right?"

  She had followed the Big Waves with University Days another big hit about students in the 60's. "Yes, yes your right."

  "So I get out of the Corps and you're are this big movie star and I don't have a job or a future. Where do you think that would have gone?"

  Kate looked at him and said. "I would have liked to have tried."

  "Today's Kate would but not the younger Kate. You had money you could have found me if you had wanted to. You were constantly in magazines with pictures of you at Studio 54 with Jagger and god knows who else. Me I was getting drunk and getting into fights."

  "God I had forgotten that picture with Jagger. I was the hot young thing for sometime after that one."

  Kate sat down in her chair and looked up at him, her face sad. "Tommy your right. I was in over my head but I didn't know it yet. You know me I can hold my liquor but I can't hold my drugs. I fell in love with all those wonderful drugs that were everywhere. So when I wasn't working I was partying. Some of the 70's are more than a little hazy."

  "Where was Jack? He would have pulled you up short."

  "I wasn't talking to him then. When he tried to talk to me I thought in my twisted little head that he was jealous and trying to keep me out of the spotlight."

  "I guess we were quite a pair. Sounds like the 70's weren't our best decade."

  With the smirk he had come to love so much she said. "Tell me about it buster."

  "How long before you talked to Jack again?"

  "My head got pretty big it took a couple of years and getting screwed in several deals before I realized just how much Jack meant to me."

  "When Jack and I talked. He knew everything about you, what you were doing. I thought you two were still close. He must have used all of his network to keep an eye on you."

  Kate's eyes misted up. "You know there were things that happened and when I look back on them they all seemed to be more than just luck and to find out it was Jack. God how I treated him for so long and he still took care of me. He never mentioned it after we made up."

  "Made up?"

  Wiping the tears from her eyes Kate said. "I came crawling back after I hit bottom. The drugs and bad career decisions left me scraping the bottom. Thinking back there were parts I was offered that I should not have taken given my reputation and without Jack around I took them. And I was too fucking dumb to recognize what I was doing to my career and myself. I was such a stupid little bitch. I swear to God you have no idea what I was like."

  "Stop it. You just told me what happened you would have had to have been someone else to do something different. We were who we were. The times they were what they were. Stop beating yourself about who you were. Who we were doesn't matter. What matters is who we are today."

  Kate looked up at Tom he had grown into a very wise man to be able to say that after their history. Kate sighed and said. "Your right but it is sure a big price to pay to get here."

  "Maybe." He nodded toward her drink. "Want another?"

  "Yeah, this is definitely a couple of stiff drinks conversation if I have ever had one."

  Kate sat at the small counter in the kitchen as she watched him fix her drink. There were two steaks on the counter with seasoning already on them.

  "Your friend is right you do fix a perfect martini. Those steaks for us?"

  "Yeah. I thought you might get a kick out of having a steak. I don't think we ate anything else that whole two weeks."

  Kate smiled slowly to herself. He did think of their time together with more than sadness. He would have never gone to the trouble of fixing what they had shared so long ago. Tom looked down embarrassed. Kate stood and walked into the small dining room just outside the kitchen she glanced into the small den she stepped down two small steps into the room. It had more floor to ceiling bookshelves, filled with CD's surrounding a small fireplace, more hardwood floors and a leather coach and armchair. On one wall was the big screen TV. Above the TV was a large framed movie poster. It was the original poster of The Big Waves in mint condition. A very young version of Kate stared back at her from its center.

  "Oh, my god." Kate said. "I have not seen this in years."

  She walked up closer to the poster to examine it. She looked closely at her image.

  "I was an infant."

  She remembered the moment the picture was take as if it were yesterday. It was just hours before she met the man standing next to her now. They both had been so young. She turned her eyes bright with joy and one hand to her mouth.

  "Look I...." Tom said.

  His framing the poster seemed to say so much about how he remembered her, what they had together and how he still thought of her. Just seeing the careful expensive framing and mint condition of the poster said more than anything he could say. There was an awkward silence between them.

  "I found it in antique store, years and years ago. It cost a fortune, or at least a fortune for me at the time. I had a huge fight with Sharon about the money." He paused for a long moment looking for the right words when his phone rang. He glanced at the number on the display.

  "Shit. I have to take this."

  He picked up the phone off the cradle. His face turned serious as he listened to the person.

  "Yes. What again! I thought we had discussed our options."

  He listened real concern on his face.

  "All right. I will leave immediately."

  Kate felt her heart sink, just as they were beginning to make some progress beyond their history.

  "Look I haven't told you but my mother is in a nursing home. She had early on set of Alzheimer's and is a walker. Unless they are careful she will get out and walk away. She cannot find her way back. So I need to go."

  "Should you call the police?"

  "No, no I can usually find her. I'm sorry but I guess we have going to have to leave things the way they are."

  "We had to call the police when my mother used escape."

  "What?"

  "You think you're the only one who's had to deal with this sort of thing. I had my mother in one of the most expensive and supposedly secure places in California but she still got out."

  "I didn't know."

  "Yeah, she had a very early onset because of all the drinking. She died last year."

  "But you had run away from her?"

  "I know I guess you gain perspective and a little more understanding as you get older. She was lucid for years. I was able to make peace with her before she det
eriorated. It was very sad. I try and remember her as the beautiful young woman that she was when I was a child."

  Tom hesitated not knowing what to say. It was such a revelation that it was hard for him to digest. It made her life much more similar to his own that he had ever imagined. She had faced the same problems the money and fame were no protection from this pain.

  "But I never saw anything in the press about it." He said.

  "Why do you think I pay all that money to publicists. To keep those things out of the media and what I want in. Look four eyes are better than two. I could ride along. "

  "But you don't even know what she looks like."

  "I don't think it will be hard to spot her do you?"

  Tom stared at her as if he were trying to read her sincerity.

  "Ok, grab you purse."

  CHAPTER 50

  They drove slowly through the tree-lined streets near the nursing home.

  "When did you and your mother get back together?"

  "We never really did. About ten years ago a cousin called me and told me about her condition. When I flew home she didn't even recognize me. I had some real guilt about not taking care of her, but each time I reached out she was with a new man, and each one was going to be the one. I should have tried harder. I had the resources."

  "Don't beat yourself up. We all can say we should have tried harder about a lot of things."

  Kate looked out the window before she answered.

  "But she was my mother. She never really got over Daddy's death. She kept trying to find him in all the wrong places. She is not the only one to keep looking for her first love with a bunch of the wrong men."

  Tom glanced over to see Kate staring at him. "What about you and your Mom?"

  "She worked so much just to make ends meet after my Dad died we never got close before I went in. Then after the service I was a mess for a few years and didn't think I needed to put my mother through that. By the time I got my shit together it was really too late. I saw her during the holidays when I wasn't working but it was not enough. We were a lot like you and your Mom. Dad's death in a real way broke us."

  "You said she didn't recognize you anymore?"

  "It comes and goes. I will visit one day and she is all there but she is confused about the year. She will ask me questions as if I am still in high school. The next time she will be afraid of me. For what ever the reason when she wanders she is always glad when she sees me."

  Kate reached over and took his hand and squeezed it. The sun was beginning to set and the light was fading. It was going to get hard to find her in a very short while.

  "I've always found her by now. Maybe I should call..."

  "Is that her?" Kate said pointing to a woman sitting by herself on a bench next to a small lake. She wore a faded flowered dress and her grey hair was an unruly mess.

  "Yes, yes. Thank god."

  Tom pulled his pick-up to the side of the road and park. He and Kate walked over to her.

  "Mom?" Tom said.

  The old woman looked up then smiled a huge smile when she saw Kate.

  "Well finally. He finally brought home his girlfriend to meet his mother. It is about time."

  Kate and Tom exchanged a startled looked before Kate said. "Well I have been trying to get him to bring me home but you know how boys are."

  "I do indeed. He is a good son but sometimes." She smiled at Tom then said. "He told me how busy you were making movies and all, so I can understand."

  Kate looked at Tom who was blushing.

  "Just what did our boy tell you?'

  "Well he said you were the most beautiful girl he had ever seen and the nicest. He told me all about how you helped him get through Mac's funeral. He said you were the best and he was lucky to know you."

  Kate's eyes misted with tears as she said. "Well I think I am the lucky one Mrs. Ballard."

  "Well I think so too Kate. You know he told me that you two had decided that you weren't going to see each other because you were so busy with making movies but I told him you did not sound like one of those girls. How are those movies doing anyway?"

  Kate had clear her throat to compose herself. Then she said. "You know they are doing pretty good. Why don't you come with us and we'll take you back uh....we'll just take you back and I will tell you some stories about the movies."

  "That would be nice but I want to hear stories about you and Tom. He told me he loved you. I want to get to know the girl Tom loves."

  Kate smiled through her tears as she led her to the truck. "Well you would not believe how we met. Did Tom tell you the whole story?"

  Kate gently took her hand and led her back Tom's pick-up truck telling her in detail the story of how they met on the plane that night. Tom mother sat enraptured listening to their story.

  CHAPTER 57

  Tom's mother remained calm and entertained by Kate's stories of their time at the beach as they drove her back to the nursing home. As he listened to her tell their stories to his mother he could hear the real pleasure of their telling in her voice. Her stories brought those days back for Tom too. For the first time in years he let those memories wash over him in a rush of nostalgia tinged by some sadness for what had been lost. She remembered details that he had long forgotten. It was obvious she cherished those memories. He glanced over at her. His mother was sitting between them her face turned toward Kate. Kate met his eyes gave him a small smile.

  She was kind and gentle with his mother and seemed to have an understanding of her condition that was even better than Tom's. He saw the same kindness and caring that she had shown Mama Mac so many years ago. The Kate he knew was still in there under the money and fame. Kate helped the nurses get her back into her room and into bed. He was amazed at her caring understanding manner with a woman who would not remember any of this tomorrow. They were back in the truck headed for his house when he said.

  "Thanks Kate. You were wonderful."

  "Glad I could help." Kate said quietly. "It reminded my of my mother and all of the times I had with her toward the end. Is she often that lucid?"

  "No, not for that long. When she is it is usually the wrong time and place just like tonight." He looked over at her. "Seeing you must have brought back a lot of memories of the letters I wrote to her from Vietnam."

  Kate could not speak for some time, as she remembered not writing Tom during that exact same time. It was a hard fact to face. It was one of the things between them she had wanted to face but hearing Tom's mother talk about it made it almost too painful. She pulled out a cigarette. She lit it and blew a thick stream of smoke out of the open window to cover her emotions. She stared down at the lighter that had been the reason for their meeting so many years ago and said.

  "You wrote those things to your mother about me?"

  "I wrote them from Vietnam. I wanted them to be true."

  Kate looked over at him. Tom was staring straight ahead. The knuckles of his had that gripped the steering wheel were white as he drove. Kate pulled her sunglasses down from the top of head over her eyes even though she did not need them in the growing darkness. She did not want him to see her cry.

  "I was so young Tommy." Kate said in a voice almost a whisper.

  "So was I Kate. So was I."

  "We had so much and didn't know it. I didn't know just precious and rare what we had been. How few times in a lifetime you get a chance at something like that."

  "Yeah but it just was not fated to be for either of us. Vietnam and your career were in charge. Now well, now we have our own lives and well..."

  "Yes well..." Kate said quietly.

  Tom pulled into the driveway of his house and parked the truck in the carport. They both walked out to her car and Tom opened the door for her. She slipped into the driver's side and put her keys into the ignition. Tom closed the door. Kate started the car.

  "Thanks for having me tonight Tommy. I had a chance to finally say some things I have wanted to say for a long time. It felt very good."
<
br />   "Me too. I needed to say some things too. I think maybe the air is finally cleared and it did feel good."

  Kate looked at him for a long moment.

  "Thanks for helping with my mother you were wonderful." Tom said.

  She smiled a small sad smile. "Well I know how it feels."

  " I really enjoyed talking to you. Not many people know my history. We can still talk like the old days," Tom said. "Will you be around much longer? I mean how much longer will you be making the movie?"

  "A month or more. You asking me out there cowboy?" Kate said her eyes meeting Tom's.

  "Well something like that and I do owe you those steaks. I would like to talk to about the good times and what is like to be a rich and famous diva?"

  Kate gave him that smirk he loved so much. "So that is how it's going to be. Diva uh?"

  "Diva. They rented you a Mercedes for Christ sake." Tom said and patted the roof of the car.

  "The answer is yes I would love to have some steaks with you. Besides I deserve a Mercedes, I am a star." Kate said with a smile. She was enjoying the banter.

  "Star my ass. Your just some little girl from North Carolina. Now get your ass home."

  "Talk to you soon." Kate said laughing as she drove off.

  Tom stood in the street and watched the car until it disappeared around the corner then he went back into the house.

  CHAPTER 52

  Kate was the first to call when she had a light day of filming. Tom called next when he was off on the weekend. Over the weeks they had slowly began to plan their next meeting before they parted. It did not take long before they were relaxed and talking like the old days. Kate found it wonderful to be with someone she could completely relax with and simply enjoy their company. They were still feeling out this whole finding one another after twenty years phenomenon in their lives. So they stuck to reminiscing about the old days staying away from marriages and other emotional minefields. Yet with each dinner they were becoming more and more comfortable with one another.