Through All the Years

by Rod Carstens

  "Yeah, the old Chinese curse may you live in interesting times. If they were nothing else the were interesting." Kate said.

  He watched her face as she said those words.

  "We would never have met if there had been no war." Tom said.

  Kate turned from the window and looked at him.

  "I never really thought of it that way but you are absolutely right. Vietnam affected all of us in those days in some very unexpected ways." She said.

  Vietnam defined Tom's life even now. He would have never thought about being a firefighter and paramedic if it were not for Vietnam. Then it turned out to be a calling and not just a job. A calling that he loved and allowed him to help people everyday, it had changed his life and those he had helped for the better. It had turned his life around from an aimless existence after Vietnam into a meaningful career.

  Then there was the personal side of what Vietnam had brought into his life. First Mac and all that knowing him had brought to him through a friendship born out of war, the kind of friendship that changed him for the better.

  Life is a very strange and long road with many unexpected twists, turns and consequences. There were times in history when if you were of a certain age, you were along for the ride and your choices were determined by those times. The Sixties were one of those junctures in history. Your life was determined by when you were born. Forces much larger than you, forces you had no control over, guided your opportunities and the decisions you made, you had to make your choices out of a shorter list of opportunities. For those that weren't well off and connected you had to deal with the draft. Those with connections and student deferments did not go to Vietnam, and those without those connections and money went to Vietnam.

  For Tom and those like him Vietnam was in their future like it or not. Those who did go went one way, those who did not go went another and their paths continued their separate ways for the rest of their lives. Over 50,000 lives ended during those years. Mac was forever nineteen. He never aged. He never knew what might have been in store for him. No wife. No children. Nothing but a short life ending in Vietnam. Sometimes when Tom thought of those arrogant sons of the successful, the smug hypocrites who ran things that were for a war as long as their did not have to fight it, well sometimes he thought it would feel good to be a young, tough, Marine sergeant again. Capable of acts of violence that are not acceptable in normal society but expected of pawns in a war, for those who thought violence did solve things just ask Bobby Kennedy or Martin Luther King or Mac for that matter. He shook himself out of that long road to nowhere. He needed to be present in this one.

  Kate shook her head at the irony of a war having such an impact on her life.

  "I never thought of it but while we would never have met if it weren't for Vietnam. I would not have been in Hawaii making a movie if I had not met Jack. Jack was my Vietnam he set me on a path that has lead to me being here today. It was not just his help in the beginning but throughout my career. He has been my rock and protector. I owe him more than I could ever repay in a hundred careers. I have never told him that. I never really thought about the whole thing as a life but he affected me as much as Vietnam affected you and your life. God I owe him so much. I knew it and have thanked him in a thousand ways but not as clearly as I should. He did the same for Gretchen, not to mention all the other that took his help then dropped him when they got further along. He kept helping people without expectation of being thanked. I never understood it. Now well now I just hope I get to have that conversation."

  Kate paused to gather herself and turned back to the window lost in her thoughts.

  "How are Gretchen and Rachel taking it?"

  "Gretchen she is a "tough broad" in all the best meaning of those words," Kate paused to make sure Rachel could not hear and said. "She is holding on but Rachel has never faced something like this and she is taking it hard."

  The attendant brought their drinks. Kate accepted her's and took a long strong sip. The knot in her stomach began to relax.

  "I think we've done this scene before. A night flight across the country to face a difficult situation." Kate said.

  "Yep I was thinking the same thing. Last time you helped me, maybe I can repay the favor." Tom said.

  Kate met his eyes for a long moment in thanks before she said.

  "You know how much Jack means to me. I am petrified." Kate said.

  "He means as much to me. You know we keep in as close a touch as you two did."

  Kate looked at him before she said.

  "I didn't really. We never talked about you but I suspected as much. So how can you remain so calm?"

  "I'm not. I am just used to being scared. I've have had a lot of practice."

  Kate looked at him. Suddenly she realized he had spent his adult life risking his life in all kinds of situations. So being frightened for himself or someone else had to almost second nature to him. She suddenly wanted to try to take her mind off of Jack. Any subject would do. Why not the last twenty years? She knew so little about him since those weeks at the beach.

  "Why the fire department? I would have thought that you had enough of risking your life?"

  Tom thought for a long minute before he answered.

  "This is not an easy subject. As I told you the other day I was pretty much broken when I got back. Back then they didn't tell us anything about PTSD they just discharged us and said "see ya". Now you got to remember this was 70 or 71 when I got out. The crazed Vietnam killer movies were coming out. So to say there was no welcoming parades when we came home would be an understatement. A few of us combat vets began hanging out together; we didn't seem to fit with the guys who had not gone in or were in college. We drank, did drugs and fought anybody that pissed us off and some that didn't"

  "God Tommy I can't picture you like that it must have been terrible."

  "Still is only different. That shit never goes away. I would call Jack to talk about some nightmare or flashback and he would tell me about one he had just recently. As he used to say you got to learn to live with it for the rest of your life. The trick is to find something that helped dealing with it besides drinking and drugs. He said writing did it for him. He could lose himself in the stories. It helped. I had no idea what I was going to do. College didn't appeal nor did working for some guy fixing cars or selling pants at Penny's"

  Tom paused and took a long sip of his beer.

  "Anyway a bunch of us were at my house drinking. We were watching TV one night; it was a cheesy TV show called Emergency. It was about firefighters who were becoming L.A's first paramedics. Well through my drunken haze an idea began to form in my little brain. I missed the adrenaline rush the Corps gave me but they were all bad and the whole point was killing. Maybe if I could help people instead of hurting them things might feel better. Well guess who I called?"

  "Jack." Kate said with a smile.

  "Yep. He thought it was a great idea and flew me out here to meet some of the real firefighters who were technical advisors on the show. I felt like I was back among a bunch of Marines. They took me to a real station in LA and the minute I walked in it seemed to fit. The were laughing and giving each other a hard time yet being able to trust the other guy with your life all felt natural to me. It reminded me of the good parts of the Corp. I went back home and began mulling it over between drunken nights. I talked the guys I was hanging out with most of the other guys just laughed it off but one other guy thought it sounded better than what we were doing. So after a couple of months we went down and signed up to take the test. Well we both made it. We went through training and I loved the physicality of it. It helped with the memories. I went home tired and exhausted and found I wasn't drinking as much. We got our station assignments all anxious and ready for action. But I got a slow station and I was beginning to wonder if I had not made a mistake. Trapped in a station with not much to do can get on anyone's nerves. Then I caught my first fire. They let me take the nozzle. I fell in love with it from that point. I imag
ine it felt the way you talked about acting back in the day. Do you remember?"

  "Of course it was if a light went on and I suddenly knew what I was meant to do."

  "Well the same thing happened to me. There is nothing quite like it. Fighting a fire is something that feels clean and good. A fire is destroying someone’s life and you get a chance to go in and stop it. No politics. No discussing other options. Just there's the fire now go put it out. I'll always remember coming out of the house and pulling off my mask. I was hot and exhausted, that day it was well into the nineties but it felt cool outside. No one had needed rescuing we had confined the fire to the room of origin. I had stopped someone's life possessions from being destroyed. It was the opposite of Nam. It certainly didn't get rid of Nam, but I felt very good for the first time in a very long time without having to use booze or drugs. It was filling the hole in me that Nam had dug. Guess who I called the next morning when I got off?"

  "Jack." Kate said with a smile.

  "Yep had to like four in the morning we get off at eight our time but he could have been more happy for me. It wasn't an over night change but it was a beginning. Then as time went on it got better and better very slowly. By then I had married Sharon and we had had Danny. The divorce was my fault and between the schedule I worked and Nam coming back to visit I was still drinking to make it go away. Well the Sharon had had enough and we got divorced. She was smart to get out and it saved my relationship with Danny. She married to a developer now and is happy. Danny turned out great because she was smart enough to get out and smart enough to keep me in his life. We're still friends and talk occasionally about Danny and Carri. The fire department continued to fill the hole up that Nam had dug and now it helped with the divorce I really threw myself into the job. I became a paramedic and that helped even more. It took a good ten years on the job before I really felt better every day but I got there. I am still getting there and that my girl is why I am on the fire department."

  "Jeeze Tommy I...."

  "Yeah, in a real way the fire department saved my life. So back to your original question I seem to need to risk my life to save it."

  Kate laughed and shook her head. "Only you Tommy. Only you."

  Their eyes met for a long moment. For just a few seconds it was like the old days, the connection the laughing together. For a brief moment she felt safer, the way she had so long ago. He was here and he would protect her. She felt less alone for the first time in a very long time. Even with Jacks life hanging in the balance. Then Kate said.

  "Jack did much the same for me. After the 70's I was not high on anybody's lists of actresses to call when they had a part. Well you guessed it Jack was working on a mini-series with this part for a whore with the heart of gold who loves the hero. He talked the director into testing me and well I managed to sober up enough to get the part. And I guess you know the rest. The Emmy and I have been working steady since."

  "I remember that one it was the cowboy one. What was it's name?"

  "The West."

  "That's right. You were great in that one. I sat with Danny and we watched every episode."

  "Thank you sir. You two helped the ratings. A girl can never get enough attention."

  "What about the marriages?"

  "Oh those let me see if I can sum up a lot of pain and suffering in a few sentences. Don't get married if you are fucked up and the guy you are marrying is as fucked up as you are. My first ex liked drugs and girls more than me. The second god knows it only lasted six weeks I think. Let us just leave it at the fact it is almost impossible to find a good, decent man in the entertainment industry. At least it was for me, as Jack said I kept making the same mistake again and again. I was always look for..." Kate hesitated because Jack had always said she was looking for Tom and wasn't going to find him there. "The perfect man. So I decided about ten years ago marriage was not for me. It took up too much emotional space and required way more effort than it was worth. Besides I didn't seem to be too good at it. So I decided to stay single. When someone started making sounds about a serious relationship or marriage. I kicked them to the curb and got another one."

  "What? You swearing off men? Come on."

  "Well relationships then. A girl does like company."

  "That more like the Kate that I knew."

  "Did Jack every tell you the story about the time he was dating Angie Dickinson and Sinatra was jealous? Oh it was a big deal."

  "No he never did."

  "Well.."

  From there on during the flight they shared story after story of how Jack had help them at critical points in their lives as well as his own adventures. As they talked they realized that they had been connected much more closely over the last years than they had ever thought through Jack, but more than that they felt as if no time had passed since they were last together. It had been twenty years but it felt as if everything had happened last week, not in 1968.

  Chapter 55

  Los Angles Airport

  Private Jet Area

  The plane landed in LA with usual the screech of tires and the sound of the flaps slowing the aircraft to a taxiing speed. The plane stopped and the crew let down the passenger door. When they stepped out the were met by a tall beautiful blonde standing in front of a black limo with a driver holding the door open. Tom recognized her from her pictures and television. She was Gretchen, Kate's best friend. She currently stared in a hit TV series but she was dressed in a black dress and had big black expensive sunglasses hiding her eyes. Her white blonde hair was pulled back into a tight bun. She was not smiling. Tom got a knot in his stomach.

  "Mother." Rachel said and ran over to hug her mother.

  Tom and Kate walked up to the woman. She was Kate's age had the sexual presence she always played on television and the screen even in what looked like mourning clothes.

  "Gretchen this is Tom." Kate said as they walked up.

  "Nice to finally meet you Tom."

  "Thank you. Nice to me you too."

  "What are you doing here? I thought you would just send a car so we could go directly to the hospital."

  Gretchen took a deep breath and tears began to trickle out from underneath her sunglasses as she said.

  "Honey, Jack died three hours ago."

  "No. No. Its not true." Kate said taking a step back.

  Rachel clutched her mother tightly and began to cry.

  "Yes honey it is true. His heart was just too damaged there was nothing they could do."

  Kate doubled over crying hysterically all of her composure gone. Tom leaned down and pulled her into his arms. She held on him tightly sobbing into this chest. Tears ran down Tom's face as he held her.

  "Look honey, lets get in the car and get you home." Gretchen said.

  Gretchen led the way to the car and slipped in with Rachel holding on to her. Tom and Kate slid in a seat opposite them. The plane crew put their bags in the trunk and the driver shut the door.

  "Where to first ma'am" The driver said.

  "I thought we would take you home first honey. Then Rachel and I can find a hotel close by for Tom." Gretchen said.

  "No!" Kate almost shouted. "I want to go to the beach house."

  "Don't you think you would be better off at your own home. I mean the beach house is filled with so many memories of Jack. What don't you let us take you home?"

  "No, the beach house and Tom is going to stay there with me. I don't want to be alone."

  Kate looked up from his chest her make-up streaked by tears. Tom glanced at Gretchen who gave a small nod and the looked down at Kate.

  "Sure hon."

  The long drive was silent except for the occasional sob. Tom did everything he could do not to completely give into his own sense of loss as he held Kate in his arms. They pulled up to the house. Little had changed. It was still immaculately kept, even the wooden garage doors were in perfect shape. Just aged to perfection. He followed Kate up the familiar walk and waited will she used her key. Gretchen followed wit
h the driver in tow with their luggage. She showed him where to put them in the two bedrooms then came out. She walked over to Tom.

  "Thanks for coming Tom." Gretchen said.

  "He meant as much to me as he did to you two."

  "Still I haven't seen her like this. She is going to need a lot of support and I really glad you are here."

  "I guess the guy upstairs was looking out for us so we could all be together." Tom said.

  "Yeah, I guess so. Listen there are a lot of arrangements to be made I am going to need some help, and I don't think Kate is going to be in any shape to help me. Can I ask you to help? I really need it."

  "Oh, course. I would be happy, I guess happy is not the right word, how about more than glad to help."

  Gretchen hugged him and kissed him on the cheek. "Thanks again. Kate has my number. Talk to you tomorrow?"

  "Sure I'll get her settled and then give you a call."

  Gretchen squeezed his hand and walked out the door.

  Kate was standing on the balcony staring at the ocean. Tom came up behind her and took her gently by the shoulders. Kate spun around and clutched him sobbing.

  "What am I going to do without him? He was my only family. My only real friend. He was ..."

  Tom guided her over to an outdoor couch on the deck and sat down. She held on to him with all her strength just crying. Tom sat there holding her and crying too for the man who had meant so much to them both. There were no words of solace. There were times when only a shared grief with someone was the best way to manage the loss. Tom was glad Kate had wanted him to stay with her. The thought of a strange hotel room was almost frightening. He held her until she was asleep, exhausted by her emotions and the travel. By that time he was too tired to take her inside so they both just slept there on the deck, as they had over twenty years ago.