Through All the Years

by Rod Carstens

  "Tommy I..." He could see what he was saying was hitting her as hard as it was hitting him because it was the truth, a truth that they could not overcome.

  Tom hated to say those things out loud, because it made them more real once he had said them out loud. She was staring at him with real fear on her face. "But I don't have make a list of how different our lives are. Your life simply can't fit into mine. It is too big it would crush me. I love my life. I built it over the years without anyone's help, on my own through a lot difficult times. It's not been like yours. I'm not famous or have money but I love what I do and my family. I am not going to give up my life to become some Hollywood purse holder for you."

  "That is not the way it would be Tom. It would not have to be that way. We can be different."

  "You are finished filming in a few weeks and you have to go England for the Spielberg thing. What happens then?" Tom said as if he were questioning someone who was not telling the truth.

  "I go to London and make the movie. It is simple. I just fly back and forth whenever I can. You can do the same when you have time. We can make this work." Kate said.

  Tom turned away abruptly and said, "Goddamnit we are not kids anymore. That would work for a while but sooner or later one of us would have to say no to something the other really wanted or needed. And that would be the start. The department is more intrusive than I talked about." He paused as and stared at her for a long moment. "Do you know what happened the day before you called about Jack?"

  "Well you were at work..."

  "I was on a house fire where a little girl died."

  Kate gasped and put her hand to her mouth. "Oh, babe I as so sorry I should have known...."

  "Our worlds are too different. No director yelled cut. The little blonde girl did get up. Then when I had to tell her mother...."

  Tears welled up in Kate's eyes. "Tommy please let me help..."

  She tried to take him in her arms but he pushed her away.

  "No, no..." Tom said taking a moment to compose himself. "After my walk I came back to talk about our differences but finding Michael here well it just made things too real."

  "No, Tommy. Don't say it."

  "If it wasn't him it would have been someone of something else. Something big that you had to do or have and I could not be there for you without giving up a big piece of myself. If you gave it up you would always resent me. If I gave in I would never be the same."

  "Tommy no..no goddamnit."

  "All I know is that we did this once before, we were together and happy and then we were pulled apart. I don't think I ever really recovered. I don't want to do that again. If we do it now instead of later I might survive it but not if we continue because it's coming." He paused then looked into Kate's eyes. "What do we have really, this attraction, this feeling, you can't build a life on that not at our age. We're not kids anymore. It is not just about the hormones. You need more than that to build a life on, if there is one thing I have learned over the years is attraction wears thin and there had better be something else or it is not going to work. We don't have anything in common except this..." Tom gestured with his hand to each of them. "At our age 'this' is not enough to keep.. we are not kids anymore."

  Kate grabbed his arm and spun him around. "Oh, God Tom. This as you put it. This is what people search for most of their lives, but very few of them find what we have. We have something that has endured through so many years. I didn't realize it until this week, but I've measured every man I've ever been with against you and what we had back then. And guess what? They all came up wanting."

  "But those feelings change nothing. It is as if we are back on the beach again. We are back to the same decision we were faced with back then. One of us would have to give up more than they could stand. With that hanging over our heads there is no way this could ever work out. Who we are and what we do can't be overcome. Sometimes these things are not meant to work out. You made the right decision back then and I don't see how anything has really changed." Tom said.

  Kate was fierce almost angry. She was not pleading with him; she was fighting as if she were fighting for her life.

  "If it as you have described it has survived all of my marriages and LA lovers. It has survived my career and all of my mistakes. For you it has survived Vietnam, and your dark years. It has survived a wife, and a divorce. It has survived it all for both of us. This is what people write songs and movies about. Do you know that I had convinced myself, that if I never saw you again; that I was still going to be happy for those weeks we had together. They were the happiest I'd ever been, before these past days. This is more than most people ever have. It can and will survive our differences."

  She stood her hands clenched into balls her face a mask of real fear.

  "I lost you once I'm not going to lose you again." Kate said.

  "Then tell me how this can possibly work out. Can you do that? I am not giving up my life and I will not ask you to give up yours."

  "No one has to give anything up."

  "Bullshit. Kate I have not been unconscious these last weeks. Your business and all the projects will catch up with us at some point. Look you know how much I care about you but it is just not fated. The gods are having a good laugh on this one."

  "Tom no, please we can work this out I know it." Kate cried.

  Tom looked at her. She was so beautiful and he loved her so much it was all he could do not to take her into his arms. Yet his loving her would change nothing it would only prolong the pain. He knew she meant every word she was saying, but he also knew it just wouldn't work she was fooling herself. If it weren't the work, then it would be another Michael. The deck was just stacked against them.

  "It is just like that night on the beach when you asked me to choose. Well I had no choice then and I don't have a choice now. I am who I am, and my life is in Florida. You are who you are, and your life is certainly is here not back in Florida.'

  Kate came to him and tried to put her arms around him. He backed away knowing what her touch did to him. He would loose his resolve.

  "No, I can't. I won't. I'm sorry." Tom said.

  He turned to leave. She tried to stop him but he brushed past her. Tom strode into the bedroom and threw open the door. Michael cringed in the corner as he threw his few things in his bag.

  "Tom calm down. Don't go yet. She needs you." Gretchen said.

  "No, Gretchen. Thanks for all the help. Take care of her."

  Gretchen saw there was no stopping him. Tom turned and stormed out the door. Gretchen turned to Michael and said.

  "Stay. Do come out until he's gone."

  Then she turned to follow Tom. Kate was pleading with him to stay.

  "Where are you going Tom? You have no where to stay." Kate said trying to reason with him.

  "The airport. I can wait there for a few hours. I'll need a cab."

  Before Kate could say anything Gretchen said. "Tom I'll take you. No need for a cab."

  "Great I will meet you outside." Tom turned and walked out the front door.

  "What!" Kate said.

  Gretchen just held up her hand.

  "Listen you are not going to stop him. Let me take the long way to the airport and see if I can convince him to stay. Now you get rid of our young friend in there for good and let me see if I can be of any help. You know the way I feel about you both and this does not have to be. So let me see what I can do and then we'll take it from there."

  Kate stood there for a long moment your right. Gretchen grabbed her purse and hugged Kate.

  "Honey look it will work out. It may take a while but I think things will work out."

  Kate looked at her, her eyes pleading. "Your not just saying that are you?"

  "No, honey. I'm not. Now I got to go before he finds another way to the airport."

  Gretchen turned and hurried out the door. She hated to lie to Kate but she didn't think she would make any headway but she had to try. Tom did not come back. Kate and Rachel left for Fl
orida two days later.

  CHAPTER 67

  FIRE STATION NUMBER 2

  College Park

  Florida

  Kate had been keeping a mental calendar since they returned from Jack funerals she knew that he was on duty today. He had not returned any of her calls and was not even picking the phone up.

  Each day since they had returned she had made sure to watch the local news on the days he was working. She listened for the sirens. She had watched with baited breath hoping to catch a glimpse of him on some emergency scene. She glanced at her watch. It was 6 p.m., she knew that was close to dinnertime at the stations. If she went now she could see him. He couldn't refuse to see her at the station. She had to say goodbye and she could not leave without seeing what made up so much of his life. She grabbed her keys and her purse and headed for the elevator to the garage. Tom had shown her the station where he worked and it was only a few blocks from the condo.

  She drove the blocks her heart pounding, unsure of what she would say. She pulled up in back, and got out. The station was any ugly square two-story brick building. The back parking lot was full of trucks, and SUV's of the firefighters on duty. As the walked toward the station Kate could see into the station's kitchen through large windows. It was filled with industrial kitchen equipment, stainless steel counter tops, and old Formica cabinets. What struck her were the men in the kitchen, they were all laughing and shouting. One threw a towel at another, who ducked the towel and ran out of the kitchen.

  She remembered a story Tom had told about station life. "You know when I was a rookie, an old firefighter once told me, that the reason he loved the job so much, was that as he walked to the station he could hear the laughter down the street. That is still true."

  She walked into the back door of the station, and what struck Kate immediately was how loud it was when you crossed the threshold. The radio blared over loud speakers, men were yelling and laughing. It all combined into this masculine cornucopia of sound that was a real assault on her senses.

  A very young firefighter saw her and said.

  "Ma'am. Can I help you?'

  "Yes, is Chief Ballard around?"

  "Sure the third door and the right."

  There was a hallway that opened up to a large bay where the fire trucks were parked. Kate had never been in a fire station before and it was more than a little overwhelming. The noise and these huge trucks sitting silently in darkened bay, she could almost feel their eagerness for another call. There was a commotion behind her and she turned. Several firefighters had stuck their heads out of the door leading into the kitchen. When she turned they scrambled back into the kitchen. They young firefighter must have recognized her. She found the third door and opened it.

  Tom was sitting behind an old grey metal desk concentrating some paperwork.

  "What do you need..."

  When he looked up he almost smiled then he frowned and looked angry.

  "Goddamnit Kate. What are you doing here?"

  "I couldn't leave without seeing where you worked and saying goodbye. I've only got a few weeks or so before we wrap. And I have a lot of things to do before so I will be heading back to LA before I leave for Europe for some pre-production stuff. I had to see you."

  "Kate nothing has changed."

  "Then if for no other reason than to say goodbye properly. We did not get that chance the last time."

  That took all the anger out of him, he stared her for a long moment then motioned for her to sit down on small metal chair.

  "You haven't answered any of my phone calls." Kate said.

  "Kate, I can't. If I don't do this clean I won't be able to do it. Besides what is there to say?"

  "I don't know."

  "Look this is the only way for me."

  Someone said over the loudspeaker. "Five minutes. Five minutes. If your not here in five minutes, there won't being anything left."

  "Shit." Tom said.

  "What's going on?"

  "It's retirement dinner for one of the guys. I have to go."

  "Even now. I mean we..."

  "Yeah, even now." Tom said getting angry. "This guys retiring after over thirty years on the job, it is a very big deal around here. This is exactly what I was talking about. Two different worlds."

  "Tom please I didn't mean..."

  There were two quick knocks on the door and it opened. A firefighter stuck his head in.

  "Chief we are waiting on you, and Buckethead said there was plenty if your guest wanted to join us."

  "Thanks."

  Tom looked at Kate. Then said "Do you want to go?"

  "Yes, I would."

  "Ok, but be prepared. This is not your usual dinner."

  They crossed the apparatus bay and entered the dining room through a door off the bay.

  "Look out everybody the Chief is here." Someone yelled.

  "And he has a date. When was the last time anyone saw him with a woman."

  "I did but it was back in the eighties."

  They walked into a large room where a number of tables and chairs were arranged into one long table. Men were throwing tan plastic plates you saw at any diner onto the table. Beside each plate was a large plastic glass again the same as in any small diner. They walked into the kitchen together. More and louder laugher echoed off the institutional tiled walls and floor as they walked into the kitchen.

  Men were moving in the kitchen pulling food out of the oven and putting the meat, potatoes and vegetables in large bowls that were taken into the other room. Despite the confusion and shouts everything was being accomplished without a lot of direction by anyone. Kate realized that this was a ritual that happened everyday and the men were as good a team as any restaurant kitchen staff in putting out a meal. The smells in the kitchen were wonderful. Kate could smell ham, greens cooking. Laid out on the counters were sweet potatoes, biscuits and apple pie. It was a true southern feast.

  Someone was on the stations loud speaker. "Everyone to the dining room the Chief has finally graced us with his presence."

  One of the firefighters who was carrying a large plate filled with sliced meat said.

  "Fu..." Then seeing Kate he stopped in mid-sentence. "Screw them the five minute warning has gone out."

  Tom guided Kate through the confusion to one of the biggest men in the room.

  "Kate I would like you to meet the chef for this evening. This is Buckethead."

  He was taller and wider than Tom but about the same age. He had large grey streaked mustache and what appeared to be an almost permanent smile on his face. The large man with big smile actually blushed and said.

  "It's Ray. Kate thank you for coming."

  "Thank you for letting having me on such short notice."

  Two firefighters standing in kitchen doorway burst into laughter.

  "Wait until you taste his food before you thank him." One said then as he ducked a towel thrown by Ray. "Why don't you and the Chief go ahead and sit down. I'll have one our rookies bring your food out."

  Someone behind them said. "Why don't you go and sit down we'll bring your food out? What is this, since when isn't it every man for themselves?"

  "Shut up Brooks before I come over there and put you in oven to replace the ham. Pull that second ham and start carving it up if you want to have enough to eat."

  Laughing Tom and Kate walked back into the dining room. An older firefighter was the center of attention. He had a big grey handle bar mustache and a face creased and lined with the life he had led. Despite his age his arms and shoulders were heavily muscled. He looked like someone had cast him to play the retiring firefighter in a film.

  "There he is." Tom took Kate over to him. "Nick I would like you to meet Kate. A very old friend of mine." Then turning Kate she said.

  "Nick is our retiring member. He has thirty-two years on. This is his last shift."

  "Congratulations Nick." Kate said with a smile. A thought flashed through her head when she realized that Nick had been doing this
since she was a teenager.

  "Thanks. Thanks for coming. It is not every old fireman that has a famous actress at his retirement party."

  "Well thank you Nick it is my pleasure. You can thank Tom for inviting me."

  Then another of the firefighters yelled. "Enough with the introductions are we ever going to eat."

  Everyone laughed and they all sat down at the table. Plates full of ham, greens, sweet potatoes and biscuits were passed around as everyone served themselves. The meal was a delicious feast of Southern cooking. Kate was hungry and the food was some of the best southern cooking she had in a very long time, the biscuits had been made from scratch and were the best she had tasted. She reached for a second one.

  She knew she was being watched both as Tom's "friend" and as Kate Newhouse the actress. So it was not unexpected when an older tough looking firefighter seeing her reach for the biscuit said.

  "I thought actresses needed to watch their weight?" he said.

  She had watched the banter and insults and had a feel for the atmosphere and knew her words would define who she was to these men; Tom's men.

  "Why do you think I am fat?"

  The firefighter seemed to think for a moment then said. "If the shoe fits."

  "I may have a few pounds on me right now for the role but I will lose them in a couple of weeks. But sir you will still be ugly."

  The table erupted with roar of laughter and some clapping. The older firefighter laughed as hard as they rest. He raised his glass in a salute. Out of the corner of her eye Kate saw the pride in Tom face. She had passed the test with men Tom respected.

  "Kate we don't call him the ugliest white man on the planet for nothing."

  "His mother held him upside down for the first two years of his life she couldn't tell which end was better looking."

  Then the insult and laugher moved on to others. Having passed the test Kate sat quietly next to Tom as they all ate and drank sweet tea. The banter was non-stop through out the meal as the food was almost continuously passed up and down the table, the firefighters constantly kidding or insulting one another. The firefighters seemed to be of a type. All were athletic no matter what they age, loud and constantly laughing. While the kidding was constant it was the kind of joking that came from complete comfort with one another, there was no picking on one particular person, instead everyone was a target. They were almost finished when Nick stood up. All the laughter and kidding slowing stopped.