Through All the Years

by Rod Carstens

  A firefighter still in his gear suddenly came through the door. His face was grim. He was surrounded by the other firefighters. He said something that Kate could not hear but she could see its impact on them. There was a physical change in the way they stood. One turned away and said.

  "Goddamnit," he slowly slid down the wall and buried his face in his hands.

  Buckethead turned to Kate and said. "They found Nick's body. It was too late."

  Kate felt as if someone had punched her in the stomach. First Tom, now Nick she barely knew him, but he was so nice. It was to be his last shift. My God, he should not have been there. She turned to Danny.

  "Did you know him well?"

  "Not well." Danny said but she could see the impact in his face. It was as if someone had slapped him. He had a stunned and unbelieving look that said it all. Kate put her arm around his shoulder. She had no words.

  "Did he have any family?" Someone said.

  "Naw, just a couple of ex-wives." Ray said.

  Kate realized the only family he had was standing in this room and their grief was palatable. It was an extension of what she saw in the station. These men were brothers.

  Rachel suddenly appeared at the door. She frantically scanned the room and then seeing Brian rushed over to him. They held one another for a long time, before she broke free and looked up at him. It was then she saw the blood. Horrified she stepped back.

  "I'm fine honey. It is just a scratch."

  She turned and found Kate. She sat down next to her and said.

  "Are you all right?"

  "I'm fine. This is Danny, Tom's son and this is Karen his wife."

  Rachel nodded to them.

  "How is he?"

  "We won't know. Not for several days." Kate said.

  She was surprised by the strength and firmness of her own voice.

  "You mean... he could..." Rachel said.

  "Yes, honey."

  Rachel looked horrified. Then she looked at the room as if for the first time. Firefighters stood around in various stages of dress, covered with sweat and soot. Brian was not the only one to have an untreated injury. They were all grim faced with grief and worry. The room was filled with the impact of what had happened.

  "I can't... I mean this is too.." Rachel's face changed. The scale what had happened seemed to have suddenly hit her. She stood up.

  Brian came over to her.

  "Look it's going to be Ok. You don't have to.."

  "No baby. No it is never going to be OK. I could never..." her eyes scanning the faces of the men in the room. Rachel looked up at Brain, "I could never do this. This picture will always be in my head. Of this..." She put her hands up almost as if she were trying to hold back the grief and worry in the room. "I am not strong enough. I could never live with you knowing this could happen."

  "Rachel." Brain said. His face showing disbelief.

  Rachel put her hand to side of his face gently. She looked up at his face covered with sweat and blood and said. "No. I am so sorry."

  She ran out of the room. Brian turned to follow her. Buckethead grabbed him by the arm. "No, Brian. At least she had guts to tell you, before it got real complicated. My first ex-wife took years to realize that and finally leave me."

  Brian seemed to deflate. His shoulders slumped and for the first time he looked tired.

  "Come on man. Let's get you stitched up." Buckethead said.

  Danny stood up and walked over to one of the group of firefighters. She heard him say.

  "What the fuck happened?"

  She could see the emotion in the faces of the firefighters as they began to explain what, and how it had happened, and how they had gotten Tom out. Despite the emotion that they all obviously felt, Kate could see the professionalism as they discussed the events. Finally someone said. "If it wasn't for your Dad, there would be a bunch of us in the same shape as Rick is now."

  They were quite for a while, then Danny asked.

  "Who found him?"

  "It was Buckethead and Brian. They took a hose line to second floor. I don't know how they made that floor. I tried twice but couldn't the heat was unbelievable. Once we had a line up there we were able to get to him. You could just see part of his leg sticking out from under the truss. He was in this void, but the truss was across his leg. Bucket kept the fire off us with the hose line, and Brian was able to crawl in and get the truss off his leg so we could slide him out. That's how Brian got hurt. His helmet came off and he got hit by the truss."

  "How many guys got hurt?"

  "I think there are like five guys so far. None of the other's injuries are as serious as your Dad. Nick was the only..."

  Karen sat down next to Kate, and took her hand. The men in the room began to sit down and get comfortable. It was going to be a long night of waiting.

  Kate slept in the waiting room outside the operating rooms, along with Danny and Karen. She woke as Karen gently shook her shoulder. She jerked into a sitting position, instantly awake.

  "How is he?" Kate asked trying to read Karen's face.

  "He made it through the surgery. Now all we can do is wait."

  Kate looked around for Danny. "Where is Danny?"

  "I woke him first. He went to get us some coffee."

  Karen looked exhausted. Her eyes were red from lack of sleep and the strain. Kate took her hand and pulled her down next to her. Karen did not resist. Kate put her arm around her shoulder and pulled her head down to her shoulder. Gently she rocked her in her arms, the way a mother would rock a child. For the first time since it had happened Karen relaxed and when she did, she began to cry. Slowly and then as if a dam had broken in great heaving sobs.

  "Oh, honey. Let it go. Let it go. You don't have to strong all the time."

  Karen sobbed for sometime before she was able to say. "He is like my father. I've never had that kind of love and wisdom in my life. I don't know what I will do if...."

  Kate simply held onto her. Slowly she began to compose herself and wipe her eyes. When she finally sat up, Kate looked at her and said. "I've known that man in there since he was still a growing boy facing a war. He survived some of the most terrible things you can image, to become the wonderful man he is today. He will survive this no matter what the doctors say. You take that to the bank. I can feel it."

  "But..."

  "No, buts young lady."

  Kate put her arm around Karen's shoulder. That is how Danny found them when he brought the coffee.

  "Look what I found," Danny said.

  Ray and Brian were right behind Danny. They had evidently gone home and showered and changed into civilian clothes. They had all manner of breakfast food in sacks.

  "We thought you might like some breakfast," Brain said. A large bandage was on the cut on his forehead. Ray and Brain pulled up a table and spread out the food for Kate, Karen and Danny. Kate stood up and hugged Brain and then Ray. When she hugged Ray she said. "Thank you both."

  "Nothing to thank us about. Your part of the family now."

  It suddenly struck Kate that she was part of a family now, not only Tommy's but part of this family of firefighters. These big gruff men were showing more her more care, and acceptance, than anyone since Jack. She was part of something she had longed for, for a very long time. She sat down and began to eat.

  CHAPTER 72

  Over the next days Kate settled into a routine. The director had changed her mind and wanted to re-film a few scenes, so unless she was on the set she was at the hospital. Kate found work a relief, she was able to loose herself for a few hours, and it helped her through the long hours at the hospital. Tom was still in critical condition. Rachel had told everyone on the set what had happened, and everyone was very supportive, but Kate was never really comfortable unless she was at the hospital. She had called Gretchen and told her what had happened; Gretchen insisted on immediately flying out to Florida to help anyway she could. When she was not at the hospital Gretchen or Karen were monitoring how things were going.
It felt so much better to face this with Gretchen and now Karen at her side. She could lean on Gretchen and give support to Karen. She was wrapping up her scene for the day when Rachel came up to her.

  "Kate how is Brain?" Rachel asked.

  "Rachel, he is fine. He misses you, but he will be fine."

  "I couldn't do what you are doing. I am not strong enough. I.."

  "You do not have explain yourself to me. I understand."

  Rachel paused then asked.

  "Does he ask about me?"

  "No, no he doesn't."

  Rachel stood up suddenly and walked away. She had cared for Brain more than she wanted to admit to herself. It was hard to watch her face something so difficult, with no real answers. Kate could not say she would not have acted the same way, if she did not have the history she had with Tom. Kate had grabbed her purse and bag and was headed to the car when Brandy came up to her. The young super star was not the spoiled, tantrum throwing diva she pretended to be. Kate had found that her behavior was a defensive act of a young girl with a lot riding on her shoulders.

  "Kate."

  "Hey honey, do they need me back on the set. I was just heading to the hospital."

  "No, no. Uh I just wanted to say that my thoughts and prayers have been with you. Just meeting him that one time I could tell he was a remarkable man. How's he doing?"

  "He's still in critical condition. It's still touch and go." Saying it out loud gave Kate a knot in her stomach.

  "I feel silly but I was thinking about Carri. She must be going crazy. She was very proud of her grandfather. So I was wondering if you could do something for me?"

  "Oh course."

  Brandy pulled a small stuffed bear from behind her back. Kate had seen it in her trailer on her bed. It was one of the first inklings Kate had of just how young she was for the fame and responsibilities she now faced.

  "Would you give this to Carri for me. Tell her it is one of my favorites. I signed on the back. I know that sounds...I don't know.."

  "No, young lady it is perfect, absolutely perfect."

  She took the bear and hugged the girl for some time. Kate pulled away and said.

  "I have been in this business a long time. You can wonderful and long career if you keep the part of you that made you think of Carri alive and well through all of the bullshit. This is a wonderful and kind gesture. It means as much to me as it will to Carri."

  Brandy's smile was wide genuine one, a smile that Kate had rarely seen around the set. Kate gave her a quick hug then broke free.

  "I give it to her the first time I see her."

  Kate walked into the waiting room that had become something of a home for her and Tom's friends and family. When she walked in they were all standing and huddled around Karen. Her heart dropped, they turned to her when she walked in, and Karen came over to her.

  "He's awake."

  "Oh, thank god. I thought... Can I see him?"

  "Yes he's been asking for you."

  "Goddamnit. I should have rearranged the shooting schedule until he woke up." Kate said.

  "No, now stop that. When we told him you were working he wrote good."

  "Wrote?"

  "He still is intubated. He has a tube down his throat, so he can't talk. He writes on a pad." Karen said.

  "Can I see him now?"

  "Yes, but I want to prepare you. He does not look good. It is the worst time in the healing process. His face and hands are swollen badly. He's got tube and wires attached. So he looks terrible."

  "Karen, how is he?" It was the question she had hesitated to ask.

  "Better. It's a good sign that he woke up, but things are still very much touch and go. Are you ready?"

  "Yes."

  "You may have to do some good acting in there. Don't let the way he looks show if you can help it."

  Kate took a couple of deep breaths then nodded. Karen led her across the hall, and into his room. In the semi-darkness of his room, all Kate saw at first were IV bags, tubes, wires and electronic equipment. In the middle of it all lay Tom. One leg was in a cast that had rods sticking out of it. His hands were heavily bandaged. But it was his face that shocked her. It was swollen to at least twice it size. His eyes were just slits. A tube ran out of his mouth to two large tubes that seemed to be helping him breath. She could not tell if he were awake or asleep.

  It took every bit of Kate's acting discipline not to react to how he looked. Tom had always been this big powerful physical presence, almost a force of nature. She had always felt as if nothing could hurt him, not even a war. Now to see him like this shook her to her very core. She hand known intellectually she could lose him, but it was another thing facing the reality of his injuries. She was suddenly much more scared than she had been before. So she took a deep cleansing breath the way she did before a big scene and made sure she gave what he had always called her pirate smile as she moved closer to the bed.

  Karen leaned close and said. "The burns on his face are what is causing the swelling."

  Kate gingerly approached the bed.

  "Tommy, Tommy are you awake," Kate said quietly.

  His head turned and through those slits she could see him looking at her.

  "Hey babe," Kate said.

  Tom tried to touch her but his hands were too bandaged. Kate found a part of his arm that was not bandaged and gently caressed it. He closed his eyes at her touch, and tried to smile around the tube that was sticking out of his mouth.

  "Haven't got anything to say there cowboy? It has been a long time since we saw each other. Cat got you tongue?"

  He nodded and smiled again. Then he motioned for Karen to hand him something. She gave him a pen and held the pad for him. He worked to hold the pin in this bandaged fingers and wrote.

  LUV YOU MISSED YOU

  Tears came to Kate's eyes.

  "I love you too. Dear god I love you."

  NEED YOU LOVE YOU

  Kate had to pause and regain her composure before she went on.

  "I've been here the whole time but they wouldn't let me in to see you."

  I KNOW COULD FEEL YOU

  Those words went straight to her heart. Kate could not speak. Suddenly she was no longer scared. She knew he would be all right because he knew they were both in this together, that she was there for him and would never leave. She tried to find words but it was too much. She carefully put her head on his chest. Tom raised one of his bandaged hands and placed on her head. Kate longed for his arms around her but this was just as good. She gently caressed his bare chest with her fingers. They stayed like that for several minutes before Karen said.

  "I hate to break this up but he needs his rest."

  Kate straightened up and wiped her eyes. Then reached up and touched his forehead where it was not bandaged and looked into those swollen reddened eyes. She took another deep breath and found some composure.

  "Baby, I will be right outside."

  Tom pointed to the pad and he wrote.

  LUV YOU TOO

  Then he pointed to Karen. Kate watched as Karen's professional demeanor melt and tears well up in her eyes.

  "I love you too Dad. Now you concentrate on getting better. We need to let you rest."

  Tom wrote one last time on the pad.

  BUCKET BRIAN?

  "Yes, they're here. Do you want to see them?"

  Tom nodded. Wiping her eyes and sniffing her professional self-coming back Karen said. "I'll let them in, but for a short time. Understand?"

  Karen led Kate out the door where they promptly fell into each other's arms.

  "I told he would be all right." Kate said.

  "You were right."

  CHAPTER 73

  When Tom was eventually transferred to a regular room Kate began to spend most nights at the hospital. She found she could get enough sleep in one of those funny chairs they had in his room to get her through the next day. They had taken the tube out of his throat and he could speak. At first it was a whisper but his voice was
coming back strong now. For Tom night and day had little meaning under as many medications as he was; so he would begin conversations at the oddest hours. So Kate wanted to be there anytime he woke. It was close to three a.m. when Tom said.

  "You know Kate. I was thinking."

  "What babe? What did you say?" Kate said groggily as she woke. She sat up in the chair, unfolding from her curled up sleeping position.

  "I was thinking."

  "When were you thinking honey?" Kate said rubbing her eyes and yawning.

  "I was thinking about when I was on fire."

  Kate was suddenly wide-awake. When he was on fire! She shook herself trying to get that image out of her head. He would say damnedest things under the drugs.

  "What would you be thinking when you were on fire?" Kate said trying to keep her voice normal.

  "That I could give up or continue to try and stay alive. It seemed as if I had a choice then. As if I could choose weather I would live or die."

  Kate was stunned what do you say to something like that? How do you respond to someone who is telling you they had to choose weather to live or to die in the next few seconds. Finally she realized she would simply treat as if he were simply talking about any decision he made.

  "Well I am glad that you chose to live baby."

  "No, no I wasn't going to choose to live. I was going to give up. It was an easier choice. A better one, it was going to be easy to just give up and go because of the pain. I can't describe..."

  It was getting worse. Kate did not have answer for that one. She reached over and put her hand on his arm. "Oh, baby."

  "I kind relaxed and let go you know. I was ready to let go and that is when I saw you. I saw you the way you were on the beach back in '68. You were standing on the balcony at sunset that night playing 'Let's Spend the Night Together'. I remember the light being this soft gold and it seemed..." Tom was quiet for a while. Kate began to think he had gone back to sleep when he said. "You were dancing and motioning for me to come up from the beach. Remember?"

  Tears filled Kate's eyes. "Of course I do baby."

  "Well it was like you were telling me to come back. Telling me that I needed to live. That the best part of me was the love I have for you."