If Only: McKenzie Cousins Book 5

by Buchanan, Lexi

I smile. “The buttermilk pancakes are our breakfast. Didn’t you eat at home?” I raise a brow and hide the delight I feel at the blush on her cheekbones.

  Taking my first bite, I sigh, “Mmm, these are so good.” I glance at Derek. “Thank you for making these.”

  He smiles, but still looks troubled. “You’re welcome.”

  “What do you have planned today?” Dee asks, cutting me out of the conversation as she turns her back.

  Derek’s eyes flitter to me before focusing on the annoying woman. “I need to go into town for a couple of hours.”

  “Oh good!” she says, excited. “I’ll come with you and we can have lunch before you bring me back here.” She smiles. “Now eat up so we can go. I’m sure Madison doesn’t mind doing the dishes.”

  My mouth hangs open before I snap it shut and glare at her.

  “Madison isn’t here to do the dishes,” Derek says. “I’ll do the dishes. You can wait.” His reply offers no room for any argument.

  All I want right now is to have eaten my breakfast and to disappear somewhere. Anywhere that she isn’t. Anywhere that I don’t have to watch them together. I’m not sure there is anywhere I can go to shut out the jealousy eating away at me.

  “You know what?” I toss my napkin onto my plate. “Why don’t you both head out and I’ll do the dishes? I need to think before I start work today anyway,” I offer just wanting them gone.

  What really gets to me is the way she fawns all over Derek. He accepts it, and who knows, he may like it. I certainly don’t.

  “See, Madison doesn’t mind.” Dee smiles, patting his arm. “I’ll go and find the powder room while you finish off.”

  After she’s left I realize I was glaring after her as Derek clears his throat. My eyes land on him as he sits back in his chair, watching me closely—too closely. “I can do the dishes when I return.”

  I shake my head. “I’m not going anywhere. It will take less than ten minutes to clean up.” I shrug. “It’s okay. I really don’t mind.” I offer him a small smile. “Thank you for this. I appreciate your thoughtfulness.”

  “Hmm,” he mumbles moving from the table. He hesitates at the doorway before he leaves.

  My shoulders sag in relief and sadness now that I’m left alone.

  Sighing heavily, I listen to the silence as they leave through the front door. I fill the sink with soap and water and gaze out the back window. There is nothing for miles and it’s a view that I don’t think will ever get old no matter how many times I see it.

  “Madison?” Hearing my name whispered from behind me, I still and wait, feeling Derek moving in close behind me. He doesn’t touch me, but I can feel the heat from his body as he hovers close. “I’m sorry, Maddie,” he whispers.

  I close my eyes savoring everything about this moment and then when I feel his lips lightly kiss my bare shoulder, I shudder with longing. My fingers hurt with how hard I’m holding onto the sink to keep me grounded—to stop me from reaching out to him.

  “I’ll see you later.”

  All I do is nod because I know there is no way my voice will work right now. I’m emotionally drained, longing for someone who will never be mine. I know he wants me as much as I want him and knowing that just frustrates me.

  Sighing, I quickly get the dishes cleaned, dried and put away, and then I’m sitting outside in my favorite rocking chair with my sketchbook in hand, pencils on the side table, along with a fresh coffee.

  The sun has risen but where I’m sitting in the shade of the porch there is a light breeze, adding a pleasant chill to the hot day. I’m not sure how long I’ve been sitting enjoying the quiet of ranch life, but before I know it, I have a sketch of the horizon and I smile at the image I’ve brought to life on paper.

  I’m proud of my art and love these sketches I’ve been doing to work from when I do the larger image on canvas with paint. These small sketches would look really nice framed.

  Hearing the thud of a horse’s hooves on the ground, I glance up and silently groan when I see Geary heading toward me. The man is in his late twenties; he flirts, and I occasionally enjoy the attention, flirting back. I’ve turned him down a few times when he’s offered to take me into town for dinner, and I think he’s figured out why I keep saying no. Nothing has been said but it’s just a feeling.

  “Hey gorgeous, do you need a model?” he tips his hat and a cheeky grin stretches at his lips.

  The man is sexy as sin and built like a Greek God, but unfortunately, I only want one man, and he isn’t Geary.

  He saunters closer and props a hip on the porch railing, blocking my view. “Don’t you think your sketch would be vastly improved with a cowboy on the horizon?”

  “Considering the final image is going to be on the wall in Derek’s home, I figured he should be the cowboy in the picture.” I raise a brow and he chuckles.

  “I guess that puts me in my place, huh?” He glances out into the horizon wiping his sweaty brow.

  “There’s some fresh lemonade in the fridge if you want to help yourself,” I offer.

  He smiles. “Thanks. Don’t go anywhere.”

  Disappearing inside, I can’t help but notice the way the denim molds to his thighs and firm bottom. I shouldn’t even look. I may have given my heart to someone else, but it doesn’t stop me from looking. I mean there is nothing wrong with my eyesight.

  Reappearing with two glasses, filled with lemonade, he passes me one and then sits beside me in the rocking chair. He sighs, which draws my attention. “Everything okay?”

  “I’m too old to be falling off a horse.” He groans.

  My eyes widen in surprise. “You fell off?”

  He frowns. “I wasn’t concentrating, and the horse got spooked. Spilled me to the ground. It’s been a long time since that’s happened.”

  “Do you not need to get checked out?” I ask concerned, placing my sketching’s down on the side table and turning to face him.

  He shakes his head and winces. “I’ll be fine. Bruised, but fine.”

  “Geary...”

  “I promise you that I’m fine. Please don’t push it,” he’s firm in his request.

  I nod and settling back into my chair, change the subject, “You’d love my cousin, Olivia.”

  His eyes shoot up and then he’s grinning. “There are more of you?”

  I roll my eyes. “Olivia would eat you for breakfast.”

  “Tell me more,” he begs his eyes filling with excitement.

  Chuckling, I tell him, “She always seems so in control, but really, I think she’s just looking for someone to love her, to make her let her guard down. Her older brother is married, and her sister is married to Derek’s best friend, Garrett. Everyone is getting married in our family. I think she’s lonely.

  “She doesn’t want or need someone in a suit, she just needs a hardworking guy to love her, who she can love equally and spend her free time with.” I laugh. “Actually, she never has any free time, but I think if the right man came along she would give him all of her time.”

  “You love your cousin,” he observes.

  “I love them all. Every weekend we’d be together from as far back as I can remember. I guess we’re more like siblings than cousins with how close we are.”

  “It must be nice having a big family.”

  I frown. “Don’t you have any family?”

  He shakes his head. “No.” Not expanding on his no, we sit in silence.

  “You don’t have many friends either,” I observe.

  He looks at me and narrows his gaze, but I don’t give an inch. “I’m a loner. Always have been.”

  “I’d like to be your friend,” I offer, wondering if I’ve lost my mind. I’m never so outspoken to strangers.

  He pauses and then offers his hand. I slip mine into his larger one and sit holding hands with him. “I’d like that, and I promise to stop flirting with you.”

  I smile. “Really?”

  He groans. “Woman, I may be a loner but I’
m not blind.” He laughs. “From this point forward, I have a friend.” He then adds, softly, “I think I like the idea of having a girl who is a friend.”

  “I like the idea too. The only friends I’ve ever really had, have been my cousins or my brother, so it will be nice having a friend who isn’t part of that.” I then tease, “Someone who can give me advice about men and what they want.”

  He roars with laughter. “I’m sure you’ve already figured out that most men just want to get their dick’s wet. In other words, sex. They’re not too fussy either.”

  I fight not to blush at his words, and add, “You’re not like that, I don’t think so anyway, and neither is Derek.”

  “I’m not going to lie, if you’d have accepted my many invitations to dinner, I would have given you my all to get into your little panties … there’s not that many women around here who look as hot as you.”

  I snap my mouth closed and narrow my gaze. “I’m not sure whether I’m supposed to be insulted or delighted about that.”

  “Delighted. I wasn’t insulting you. You’re a beautiful woman, Madison, and I’ve seen the way Derek looks at you. He’s noticed too. If age wasn’t an issue, then you’d already be his. That’s one thing I’m sure of.” Geary offers a small smile. “He’s a lucky bastard to have a woman like you in love with him. I just hope he realizes that before you settle and give your heart to someone else.”

  I stare at him for a few moments and then tell him, “I’m so glad you’re my friend Geary, and before you leave this porch, we’re going to exchange cell numbers. Friends need to be able to call each other when they want to talk or need help with something. Friends also have weekly coffee dates.” I grin, and grabbing his hand, kiss his knuckles. “You’re not alone anymore.”

  He clears his throat and looking off into the distance, he squeezes my hand. “Thank you, Maddie.”

  I’m not sure how we went from flirting to friends, but I’m not going to complain because I think I’ve really needed a friend here. I’ve seen him around a few times and he always looked so lonely. Perhaps I’ll work out a way to introduce him to Olivia. They’re both lonely and I know my cousin, she won’t be able to take her eyes from Geary. Once she gets to know him, she won’t be able to walk away either. He may be God like on the outside, but he has a big heart on the inside.

  4

  Derek

  My jealousy rises as I listen to Madison talk to Geary out on the back porch, neither of them aware I’m home. I’m also not in the habit of spying, but when I heard my name I couldn’t help but stop and listen. My initial impulse had been to interrupt but curiosity had gotten the better of me, which was why I now stood in my kitchen wondering what the hell to do, and whether or not I should make myself known.

  The jealousy that rips through me at the thought of Madison with Geary being in bed together is ridiculous considering I refuse to go after the woman myself. I can’t expect her to stay single forever, and until I’d overheard Geary mention invitations to dinner, I’d had no idea that anyone else was interested in her. Silly really, since she’s so beautiful. But Maddie has slipped into my heart, and it hurts because I can’t do anything about it, I won’t let myself. I want her but can’t have her.

  With a heavy heart, I decide to ignore the two out back and go about making some sandwiches for lunch. Dee had wanted to have lunch with me, but I’d come up with an excuse for having to head home, alone. I have a headache forming and her constant chatter wasn’t helping.

  As I pull things out of the fridge, I realize that after having no woman around for years, I now have two. One I’m in love with, and the other I’m using to keep me away from the first.

  I’m an asshole.

  I shouldn’t be using anyone, and it really isn’t like me, but I’m under no illusion about Dee’s feelings for me. I know all about her lack of money, which is the sole reason she’s latched on to me so quickly. I only wish I’d been thinking when I’d first asked her out. It had been a spare of the moment decision, a diversion when I’d nearly caved and followed Madison up to the room I’ve given her to paint in.

  Sighing heavily, I pull bread out of the basket and start to make cheese and ham sandwiches to go with the soup I’ll heat.

  Glancing at the door, I walk out onto the porch and find Madison alone. “Geary gone back to work?”

  She raises a brow and answers. “He said he had lunch waiting for him.”

  “I have lunch waiting for you.” I grin.

  She smiles, and grabs hold of my outstretched hand. “I could definitely eat.”

  “Hmm, I love the sketch.” I nod toward her art pad lying on the table.

  The light sketches are amazing and I’m seriously thinking of having them framed for my home office. “Don’t throw them away, please.”

  Her eyes follow mine and she softly smiles. “I have no plans to. I’m fond of the sketches, there’s beauty in the unfinished.”

  “You’ve captured everything.”

  “I don’t think I’d ever get tired of this view,” she comments as I pull her inside with me.

  I gently push her towards a chair at the table and serve up the sandwiches and tomato soup. I do have a housekeeper who comes in every few days, which is usually around the time I’m getting fed up of my own cooking. She’s due in this afternoon and my mouth waters at the thought of her homemade lasagna that I happen to know is on tonight’s menu.

  “Talking about view. I’ve noticed how much you like it out there. Even the hottest parts of the day, you don’t really move.”

  Her eyes sparkle as she smiles at my observation. “It’s so clean and fresh, and quiet. I can hear myself think. Until I’d arrived, I had no idea how much I would fall in love with the place.

  “At first, I looked at it as just a job—a commission, but it’s all just gotten to me and I love it here. I miss my family and maybe my daily Starbucks, but it’s worth it.” She hesitates as though she’s about to say more. She doesn’t and concentrates on her lunch.

  Was I expecting her to tell me that I was worth missing her family and Starbucks for? That’s exactly what I wanted her to say, but what would I have done if she had? Nothing. I can’t do anything, and it hurts.

  I don’t want her to leave.

  The words on the tip of my tongue stay buried as I clamp my mouth shut, I decide from this point forward, I’m going to be the perfect host. Instead of trying to ignore her presence other than at meal times, I’m going to make sure she enjoys her time here and leaves with only fond memories. I’m sure I’m capable of being the kind of man who doesn’t take advantage of having a young woman under his roof … even if my heart craves having her with me for the rest of my life.

  “Take the afternoon off,” I suggest, smiling now my decision has been made. “I want to take you to the street market this afternoon.” I chew on my sandwich and watch her mind ticking away. “I’m serious Maddie. You’ll love it. Homemade cakes and jams, flowers, painters, coffee…”

  She giggles. “Okay, you sold me at cakes.”

  The smile she gives me causes a reaction in my body that I really shouldn’t be having, but as long as I’m careful I don’t see why we can’t spend time together. All of my previous reasoning against us spending time together has completely flown out of the window. I’m not really sure what I’m doing, but I do know that I want this.

  Maybe I’m making a mistake. In fact, I know I am. But with her smiling at me the way she is, I’m not sure I care.

  For now, I’m going to do what my son, Tanner, keeps telling me to do. Have some fun. Me and fun haven’t gone together in a very long time. So, I’m about to discover what I’ve been missing, and I just hope I have the strength to stay away from Madison. Nothing more can become of our friendship. We can be friends like she’d suggested to Geary, right? Even though I’m hopeful, something tells me I’m delusional.

  5

  Madison

  On the way into town I keep waiting for Derek to tell me
Dee is meeting us there, or that he’s made a mistake and has to get some work done. But nothing like that happens. He looks relaxed behind the wheel of his truck. The clothes help him look more relaxed. A dark blue T-shirt stretches across his chest and the faded denim of his jeans molds to his thighs. He looks nothing like the business man that I’m used to seeing when he leaves the ranch, he looks happy.

  He parks the truck on the busy street and stares ahead before turning to me, a serious look on his face. “I want you to enjoy yourself today, Maddie. I miss seeing you smile.”

  “I haven’t had a lot to smile about lately,” I admit with a heavy sigh.

  Derek reaches forward and to my surprise, his large hand gently cups my blushing cheek. “That’s why I want you to have today to have some fun, with me.” He offers a wry smile. “It’s been a while since I’ve had any fun too.” He pulls his hand back and slides it down his face. “Too long really.”

  The sexual tension in the truck becomes unbearable so before I do something I know he doesn’t want, I hop out from the truck. He follows at a slower pace and I meet him in front of the truck.

  The sidewalk bustles with people today, with the street market looking enticing. I haven’t seen anything quite like this before and excitement fills me as I turn and grin at Derek. “This is going to be fun.” I don’t give him an option and slipping my hand into his, give him a slight tug to move him along with me.

  It isn’t long before we get swept along with others, but Derek wraps an arm around my waist to guide me to the bakery stall. Just the sight has my mouth watering. “Oh, how am I going to choose?” I grumble.

  Derek laughs in my ear sending goose bumps through me. “They’ll keep a few days in the fridge.”

  Getting pushed from behind he ends up plastered to my back with his arm anchoring me to him. I’m not complaining, he feels really good, but the woman behind the stall is giving us an odd look, making me feel uncomfortable. Not enough to move though.