Stuck in Between (Bound by Your Love)

by Bennett, Blakely

  There were a plethora of texts from Bond, which I ignored, several from Lainie and six voice mails, three of which were from Bond. I found neither a text nor a voice message from Red. Should I take this as disinterest or respect? Truly, it left me sad and feeling alone, much more alone than I had in a very long time. The other three calls were from Lainie, Cat, and Stay to whom I sent a group text.

  Me: I won’t say I’m fine, but I’m hanging in there. I need my space right now, and I’ll reach out when I’m ready for company. Thanks for checking in on me.

  I placed the phone in my lap and continued to stare at it. I knew I should leave Bond’s messages alone but at the same time, I wondered what they hell he could come up with to woo me back. Against my better judgment, which was my pattern where Bond was concerned, I clicked my phone back on and read his texts.

  Bond: Baby, you know I can’t live without you. I don’t know the right thing to say to you anymore.

  Bond: I took a cab back to my place. Please come by so we can talk.

  Bond: I’m sorry for crashing the party Wednesday. I shouldn’t have had so much to drink. The thought of losing you is killing me.

  Bond: You need space? Fine, I’ll give it to you.

  Bond: I called your office, and they said you already left. Are you okay?

  Bond: Please call me ASAP so I know you’re okay.

  There were several more texts from him, but I stopped reading. They just made my heart break more. I wasn’t only hurting myself but him too.

  I turned the ignition key, drove out of the parking lot and picked up a sub on the way home. My stomach clenched in protest after I ate a couple of bites. At my condo, I carried my belongings to my front door and found a vase filled with multi-colored roses and a note attached.

  Dear Jacqueline,

  I know you need time, and for Bond and I to figure things out. Please forgive me this intrusion. I won’t bother you again until you’re ready for me. I’ll wait for you, am waiting for you. Our love is for a lifetime, not just mere minutes. You are in my thoughts always, and I love you.

  Aidan

  The waterworks resumed as I made the two trips necessary to bring everything into my apartment. I immediately stripped off my wet workout clothes and showered. For some reason, as the water cascaded over me, I thought of my sister. She too seemed to struggle when it came to love and relationships. Could our father’s death have led us to pick the wrong men? In the case of Red, I believed that he and I made a great match, making it the most difficult part to swallow.

  The pain in my heart erupted, and my breath caught in my throat as I stepped out of the shower. After drying my hair with a towel, an errant idea floated through my mind, which completely shifted my mood.

  I threw on my pink silk robe and went to the living room to admire the flowers Red had left for me. I smelled them for the first time, realizing each color had its own unique scent. I loved the peach colored ones the best.

  As my plan formulated in my mind, the tightness in my chest eased, and I became excited. Clearly Red loved me, and he wasn’t going anywhere. I would give Bond time to come around, but not indefinitely. I had no plans to see either of them, but I would leave my own present at Red’s. In my mind’s eye, I could see him laughing as he approached his front door.

  I opened the utility closet and sifted through all the junk I stored there. Once I found the white rope I searched for, I turned on my laptop and found a YouTube video on tying an adjustable bend knot. It was easy to see why Red chose that particular knot to name his boat. The knot could be easily lengthened or shortened but also locked in place so he could secure his bondage partners without worry of the rope getting too tight.

  Following the instruction video, I did the knotting technique on either side of the double folded rope which created a loop. I delved back into the messy storage closet and found a left over red tag I used to mark holiday gifts. After widening the hole on the top of the tag and making sure it would slip onto the rope, I sat at the counter and contemplated what I should write. I finally came up with:

  Dear Aidan,

  In knots over our parting,

  the roses cast a fragrance of hope,

  Don’t leave me too long smarting

  or I will be left to cry and mope,

  My heart full of love just starting,

  and alone now it’s hard to cope,

  The solution you must be charting,

  hidden in the trunk of rope?

  Affix us soon,

  Jacqueline

  Never one for poetry, I thought my poem hokey and yet it certainly made my point. I thought he would get a kick out of it and at the least appreciate the effort.

  On my way to his house to loop the knot over his door knob, I decided to swing by my mother’s house before heading back to my apartment. I quickly hung the rope with the tag on his door, ran back to my car and peeled out. Seeing him would not help my resolve.

  I parked my VW along the road next to my mother’s home. A car I didn’t recognize sat in the driveway. Peering into the mirror on the visor, I took in my reflection. I could still see the pain in my blue-green eyes and hoped my mother would miss it. After ringing the doorbell, I heard feet shuffling and a child’s laugh. Samantha opened the door.

  “I wasn’t expecting to see you,” I said as I stepped inside.

  “I’m living here now.” She placed Sarah down, and my niece tottered over to me.

  “How is the cutest girl I know?” I lifted her into the air and she giggled.

  “Momma is the pretty,” she said and squirmed to have me put her down.

  “Your mother is pretty, that’s true, but you’re still the cutest, smartest little girl I know.”

  She gave me a smile filled with mischief and ran off toward the kitchen.

  “She’s really got the walking down,” I said.

  Samantha paused and tilted her head. “What is it?”

  “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “We used to talk about everything.”

  “That was ages ago and I came by to see Mom. How’s she doing?”

  “Believe it or not, we’re both doing great. I know Mom asked you to talk to Lainie, but I called her myself. She’s going to give me a shot on a trial basis.”

  “Don’t you fuck this up. I’ll never forgive you if you fuck this up.”

  “Look Jacqs, I know I’ve given you reasons—”

  “Plenty of reasons—”

  “Yeah, I know. I get it. I am attending meetings now but not AA or NA.” She scrunched her face as if the very idea pained her. “It’s a group through the therapist I’m seeing and I think it’s helping. I mean, Mom and I are getting along, and that must mean progress, right?”

  “What changed?”

  “Darren wanted me to stop seeing Sarah and went so far as demanding I give her up. He did me a favor in a way because his insistence that Sarah was the cause of my drinking made me really stop and take stock. I realized it was preposterous and decided it was time to get some help, from a female therapist this time.”

  “Sounds like a move in the right direction. I want things to be better between us, and that’s going to take some time. My trust level with you is pretty low.” I perched on the arm of the couch next to me and looked up at her.

  “You can talk to me, you know. I would never, have never betrayed your confidence. You don’t look like yourself today, and I’m worried about you.”

  I laughed out loud and said, “That’s a change, isn’t it.”

  She smiled and took my arm, leading me into the kitchen where mom worked on dinner and chatted with Sarah.

  “This is a nice surprise. Will you stay for dinner?”

  My first instinct was to say no, but my stomach growled in hunger. “I’d love to.” I picked up a stalk of celery and scooped into the dip. “What can I do to help?”

  “I’m almost done. Why don’t you and Samantha go catch up?” She held her arms out to give me a hug, keepi
ng her wet hands in the air.

  I glanced over my mother’s shoulder and saw my sister nodding. “I’ll be right back,” I said to Sarah. Sarah waved to us as I followed Samantha to her room. “Looks pretty much the same.”

  “Yeah, I’m inclined to change it, but Sarah loves the purple walls,” she said as she sat down on her queen size bed. She smoothed the patchwork quilt on either side of her. “It’s not like I plan to bring anyone home anyway. I’m done with men for a while.”

  “That seems wise.” I turned her white desk chair around and sat facing her.

  “So what gives? Bond again?”

  “Yes and no and ... it’s way more complicated than that.”

  “Did Red finally make a move?”

  I crossed my legs and hunched forward. “Jesus! Am I the only person who had no idea?”

  “It’s not like I was one hundred percent sure, but I did see him watching you a lot.”

  My eyes watered against my control, and Samantha reached out to touch my hand.

  “I’m in love with Red and—”

  “And Bond?”

  “Him too, but he seems determined to rip our group apart.” I breathed out heavily, trying to release the pressure in my chest. “He fucked Blue recently and yet Red is off limits to me. Of course, he was shitfaced when he did it and there were extenuating circumstance but—”

  “You know I’m not a fan of AA, but he’s a perfect candidate. We addicts recognize each other.”

  “I don’t think he’d ever go. He’d actually have to look at himself, and I’m not sure he’s capable of it.” I blinked several times, not wanting to give into the tears.

  “I probably understand that better than anyone. So where do things stand now?” She swept her blond hair to the side and ran her finger through it.

  “Nowhere. I told them that they have to work out their friendship first, and so far Bond is unwilling.”

  “How much time will you give him?”

  I uncrossed my legs and rubbed my thighs. “I don’t know. It’s not just him, you know. I don’t want our group to have to pick sides.”

  “You have no control over that. My therapist says that I need to stop focusing on the things I have no control over and concentrate on the things I do.”

  “Maybe you can ask her what someone should do if they love two men.”

  Samantha laughed, which made me smile. It was the first time in forever I heard a sober chuckle from her.

  “What’s so funny?” I asked in faux indignation.

  “I’m finding some stability in my life and you’re mired in chaos.”

  “You don’t know the half of it.”

  “Well, I appreciate you sharing what you have. I’ll do my best not to let you down again.”

  “Mom’s probably holding dinner for us,” I said and stood up, stretching out my lower back.

  “Yeah, probably.” Samantha rose and stepped forward for a hug. “I’ve missed you.”

  “Me too. Thanks for listening.”

  We walked out of her room into the main part of the house. Sarah was climbing up in the chairs, placing napkins over the flatware.

  “Ready, girls?”

  “Definitely,” I said, taking my usual seat.

  Samantha placed Sarah in the highchair next to her. It had been years since the three of us, and now with Sarah, sat down for a meal. My mother seemed beside herself with joy. I realized that my mother’s pain wasn’t just the loss of my father, but of her youngest daughter as well. Maybe she was right and letting Samantha move back home would prove to be a good decision. I certainly hoped it would.

  Family time, which in the past few years had been mostly stressful, turned out to be the very thing I needed. Watching Samantha take care of Sarah melted more of my anger toward my sister.

  I left full and feeling somewhat better. Desperately needing a good night of sleep, I planned to crash as soon as I slipped off my clothes and crawled into bed.

  On my doorstep rested a noose around an octopus’s neck. I laughed so hard, clutching my belly. I knew Red referenced Bond’s fascination with all things 007. Octopussy. Apparently it was Red’s idea of “affixing” the problem. I picked up the stuffed octopus and found a note safety-pinned to the back of its head. After removing it from the toy, I unfolded the paper and read:

  Dearest Budding Poetess and Knotter,

  Thank you for the adjustable bend. Expect me to use those knots the next time we’re alone. The poem was clever, Little One, and the whole presentation not only cracked me up but provided me much needed hope of my own.

  I’m certain the octopus is self-explanatory but might I remind you that Bond’s clock is ticking? One week from Monday you’ll be in my domain and avoiding each other is neither practical nor desired. My patience, waning with each moment we are apart, will come at a cost. I hope that little ass of yours is prepared for the fallout.

  Your Neanderthal,

  Aidan

  I skipped inside with a smile on my face. Somehow I had let it slip my mind that I would be working at Aidan’s office. Bond did have a deadline of sorts, and I thought it best to make him aware of it. It certainly didn’t resolve the issue of our mutual friends and I wouldn’t ignore my sister’s advice. I would focus on the things I could control.

  After changing into my PJs, I turned on my iPod. Sitting on my bed, I contemplated reaching out to Bond. I woke up my phone and dialed Lainie first.

  “Hey girl,” she said as she answered.

  “How goes it?” I lay back against my pillows and turned down the volume on the music.

  “I’m more concerned about you. How are you?”

  “Better than you’d expect. I went by my mother’s and had dinner with her, Sam, and Sarah. It was a nice change. Sam said you offered her a job.”

  “On a trial basis. Hopefully it’ll work out. She has some great ideas for the window displays and I could use the help.” Lainie inhaled, and I wondered if she’d started smoking cigarettes again.

  “As long as you know what you’re doing. She could start using again anytime and—”

  “I’m willing to take the risk as long as she is attending group and working on herself. She understands this.”

  “Thank you, Lainie. I’m still not sure it’s the best idea, but I’m counting on Sam to prove me wrong.”

  “Back to you, how are you?”

  I sat up and said, “I’ve been better, but as Red pointed out, we’ll be working in the same office come a week from Monday. Bond’s time is running out. I’m considering calling him but wanted to talk to you first.”

  “Calling Red or Bond? You’ve seen Red?”

  “Talk to Bond and no, I haven’t seen Red but we have been leaving messages for each other. He started with a bouquet of roses.”

  “Ah,” Lainie said. “Now I see why you’re feeling better. What’ll you say to Bond?”

  “I have no idea really. He left me several texts that pulled on my heart so I stopped reading them and three voicemails which I haven’t listened to.”

  “Be honest and maybe shoot him an email instead of a phone call. That way you’re sure to say everything you need to.”

  “Bond isn’t much for the online stuff, but maybe I’ll send a long text.”

  “I think that’s better than talking to him. He’s proficient at manipulating your heart even over the phone. Plus making him wait—”

  “I’m worried he’ll show up here if he doesn’t hear from me.” I stood up and began pacing. I thought I heard Lainie inhaling again and said, “Are you back to smoking?”

  “Let’s focus on you, Jacqs.”

  “Bullshit, girl. What’s going on?” I stopped pacing and sat on the edge of the bed.

  “I think you should text Bond and get some sleep. I know you didn’t sleep much last night.”

  “This day does seem endless, but you have to promise to tell me what gives soon. I love you, and I’m worried about you.”

  “I know. We’ll ta
lk soon. Let me know how it goes with Bond. Are we still on for Sunday?”

  “Yeah, see you then and expect to tell me what the hell’s going on with you.”

  “Bye, Jacqs.”

  “Bye.”

  What the fuck, I thought. Lainie was supposed to be the together one. I would get to the bottom of it on Sunday.

  I brought my feet up onto the bed and started a very long text to Bond:

  Me: I read some of your text but not all of them and did not listen to your voicemails. I’m still alive. I left work early and went to a hot yoga class. I really

  Me: needed it. It’s not that I thought this would be easy and when I first started considering Red I was so hurt by you that I didn’t care what you might think.

  Me: Honestly, at first I didn’t think you would care since you’d taken me for granted for so long. I see now that you really believe that you care. I’m not sure

  Me: what to say other than that I want you to sort out your friendship with Red. I start working at his company in a week and ½ and therefore will see him.

  Me: If you want to be a part of my life, you need to start looking at yourself and what you bring, have brought to the table. I don’t want what we’ve had and at

  Me: this point I’m not looking for exclusivity with you. Our friendship hangs in the balance here, Bond, and if you can’t find a way to be happy for me and still

  Me: be in my life, then I’m worried about our friendship. Do not come by here or contact me until something has changed. I love you and always will but it’s time for

  Me: me to love myself more.

  I reread the long text and hit send before I could change my mind. Turning up the music to drown out my thoughts, I stripped off my PJs and climbed under the covers.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  I’m Not Calling You a Liar (Ghost)

  by Florence + the Machine

  Music swirled around me as I drifted off to sleep.

  Bang, bang, bang startled me and I slipped on my robe—it floated over my shoulders—as I ran to answer the door. While running the silk peeled off me and rained down around my feet causing me to stumble. I caught the doorknob in my hand as I fell forward and pushed my body upright. I untangled myself and slipped the robe back on.