by D. Kelly
Once we know who the father of Vanessa’s baby is maybe we can find a new reality. At that point, I’m sure whoever the father is will be in Vanessa’s life. How could he not be?
They both want a family someday so I’m sure they’ll try for the sake of the baby. At that point, I can reconsider my decision, but for now, all I can do is take this day by day and see what happens.
There’s a light knock on my door and it opens before I answer. I check my reflection in the mirror before turning around. I look tired; the bags under my eyes are horrendous. It really doesn’t even matter what I look like. At this point, the day is going to get worse before it can ever have a chance of getting better. There’s nothing like breaking up with the love of your life and then taking your ex to meet his dead daughter, the one you couldn’t save, to start off your day.
“Kate. Did you hear me? I said the car is here and waiting for you.” Connor’s looking at me with concern. He’s grasping a bouquet of gardenias in his hand, tentatively holding them out to me. I take them from him gratefully. I don’t ever see Lila Hope without taking her gardenias.
“Sorry, Connor, I was lost in my thoughts. Thanks for letting me know and for the flowers. How did you know?”
“Jess asked me last night if I could pick them up. She told me you always take them to the cemetery so Lila can always recognize your scent.” I nod with understanding.
“I know it’s silly because she’s not really there, but if her soul can somehow connect to the smell…I don’t know, it just makes me feel better.”
He pulls me into a comforting hug. “It’s not silly, it’s motherly. Are you sure you can do this alone? I can follow you guys in case it gets to be too much.”
I love him. He’s going to make someone such a great husband someday. “No, this is something I have to do alone, just Mike and I, but thank you for offering. I really do appreciate it.”
“Anything for you, Kate, you know that. After today you’re going to be starting a whole new chapter in your life. Keep an open mind for things yet to come. Once they cool down a bit, this might blow over.”
Giving him a sad smile, I reply, “I think that’s pretty wishful thinking, Connor, but I love you for trying to give me hope where there isn’t any.”
“There’s always hope, Kate, don’t ever forget that.”
“I can’t believe in hope right now. I did that when Mike left and look where it got me.”
After grabbing my purse off of my bed, and with flowers in hand, I head downstairs, mentally preparing myself for the heartbreak ahead. Thankfully, Jess has Mike outside in the car already. Daniel is sitting at the table with his head in his hands. He looks how I feel… like shit. He tries to talk to me, but I just can’t right now.
“Kate, I just…”
“Daniel, I can’t. Not now, okay? I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you needed.” I move to take off the ring; the one I swore would never come off of my hand. His eyes widen in horror and he raises his hands.
“No, Kate, don’t take it off…please not now. Let’s talk about this.” Tears are welling up in his eyes and I know this is hurting him as much as it is me. Taking his hand in mine, I place the ring in his palm, closing his fingers over it, and I miss it immediately. Not only the ring itself, but his love and the security that come with it.
“I’m sorry, Daniel, but I can’t keep it. We’ll talk tonight, I promise. I said I’ll text you on my way home and I will, but wearing this ring any longer isn’t right. You deserve so much more than I can give you.” The first tear falls from his eyes and I rush outside to the car before breaking down completely. I never, ever, wanted to be the cause of Daniel’s pain.
Jess hugs me tight before I get into the car. “I’m here if you need me, Katie Grace.” I nod to acknowledge her and get into the car. I place the flowers and my purse between Mike and me in the backseat of the town car and let the driver know we’re ready to go. Thankfully, we ride in silence for a little while before Mike decides to talk to me.
“Katherine…”
“It’s Kate!” I snap at him and he’s taken aback. That was completely uncalled for and I feel like such a bitch.
“Sorry…Kate.”
“No, Michael… Mike, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped at you, especially when I just did the same thing. Guess we’ve got a lot of catching up to do, don’t we?” Even though we’re talking, I can’t make eye contact with him. This is going to be so much harder than I could have ever imagined. The cemetery Lila Hope is in is an hour and a half away from my house. This is going to be a long ride.
“Yes, I guess we do.” He sighs loudly and runs his hand through his hair, that’s his sign he’s stressed out. I’m acutely aware that a small piece of me wants to hug him and take care of him like he took care of me for so many years.
“I know sorry doesn’t even begin to cover what I did to you, but I’m hoping you can accept my apology. Kate. I… I let my mom and Tom convince me of things I later came to realize couldn’t be true. At least not about you. I’ve still never come to a conclusion about your dad.”
He has no clue what’s been going on. Not only do I have to tell him about Lila Hope, I have to tell him about Tom Beringer and what he did to us. I close my eyes and silently count to ten, running my fingers across the place where Daniel’s ring used to be.
“Kate, where’s your ring?” Great time for him to choose to be extra observant. I finally look up at him and really look at him. The tenderness in his eyes is unexpected; he really cares that my ring is gone. I hope it’s not because he thinks I want him back.
“I gave it back to Daniel before I left. It’s not fair to him for me to give him false hope about where we stand by wearing his ring.” A few tears fall from my eyes and I quickly wipe them away.
“I’m sorry, Kate. Sorry you’re hurting, sorry I left you in the first place, and I’m so sorry I’ve been such an asshole for so long. But I’m not sorry that I’m here with you, I’m not sorry I wrote you that letter, and I’m not sorry you broke up with Daniel. I know I don’t have much ground to stand on, but I’m going to fight for you, Kate. I want you back. I’m a different man now and I want us to get to know each other again. I know we’ve both changed and we can’t pick up where we left off. I’m okay with that. Don’t answer me now, Kate, just know I’m here and I’m not going anywhere ever again. I want to be friends again. I miss you and I’ve never stopped loving you, not for a second.”
Those tears I had wiped away are now falling faster than I can control. When I reach for my purse to grab some tissues, Mike grabs my hand, pulls it to his mouth and kisses it. I don’t even know how to begin to describe the feeling that washes over me when he does it. It makes me feel at home but also like we’re in another time and place. Gently, I pull my hand away and finally find those tissues I was looking for. I was hoping to not tell him about Lila Hope until we were closer to the cemetery. Now I’ve got that chance by telling him about Tom.
“I know you’re sorry, Mike, I can tell, but I just can’t think about it right now. We’ve got time to address those demons later. I missed you, too, even though I didn’t want to. There’s so much to talk about but first we need to talk about your mom, Tom, my dad, and what happened on Friday.”
I’ve definitely got his attention, so I repeat the conversations I had with my dad and his mom to him verbatim. I watch him go through all the emotions I went through: anger, disbelief, pain, sadness and acceptance. I pass him a few tissues when we get to the part about Grant and hold his hand while he cries. Every part of me wants to comfort him, but this is the only way I can allow myself to let him in right now.
Time passes faster than I would have liked, and before I even get the opportunity to explain where we’re going or what happened after he left, we pull into the cemetery.
CHAPTER TWO
MIKE
I figured merging my old life into my new one might be problematic. Never could I have imagined how difficult it was actua
lly going to be. I feel like such an asshole, especially now. Daniel and I have never fought over a girl, not even once. We’ve shared them easily enough but there’s no sharing Kate and we both know it. Kate knows it, too, which is why she’s drawing the line and putting her heart back in its protective armor. Can’t say that I blame her at all; this situation is quite the mess.
Hearing about all the things I’ve missed out on is difficult. What’s even more difficult is I’ve known her long enough to know she’s keeping something from me. Something big and I’m not sure what could be bigger than what Tom did to us all. I cried when she told me about my dad. Tears of anger, sadness, and frustration fell, and with them came the feelings of guilt and regret. I knew she was innocent in it all. Instead of pushing things aside, I should have fought my way back home to her sooner. Kate is my home, wherever she is, that’s where my heart belongs.
As the car slows, it dawns on me we’re at the cemetery where my dad is buried, where Lila is buried. Why is Kate bringing me to see our parents? Is she looking for closure since I refused to let her come to my dad’s funeral? If I could take it back I would…Hell, if I could take it all back I would. When I look over at Kate, her eyes are filled with sorrow and tears are starting to fall. She’s struggling for words and reaches out and grasps my hand.
“I knew this day would come and I’ve thought about how to explain to you all you need to know. I’ve just never been able to figure out a way that would make this any less painful for either of us.”
The pain she’s feeling is palpable and fuck if I’m not going to do whatever I can to right her world again. “Will you please come with me, Mike?” She doesn’t even have to ask. I would go with her anywhere. I nod my head, suddenly not able to find my words. I’ve got a sinking feeling my world is about to change.
We step out of the car into a secluded area of the cemetery. My dad is buried right around here. This area had just opened when he passed away, it’s beautiful. There are giant oak trees shading the area and a creek that runs along the backside of the road. There are now two benches here as well, one on each side of the tree, that weren’t here before.
“You wanted to come with me to see my dad? I’m so sorry, Kate; I never should have done what I did.” She cuts me off, still holding my hand and leading me to my dad. “No, Mike, this has nothing to do with Grant.”
I don’t understand. It seems like this has everything to do with him.
“Michael…” Her voice is pained and filled with sadness.
Her eyes are pleading with mine, but for what I don’t know. All I know is that in all the years I’ve known her, I’ve never seen the sorrow on her face that I see now. I have a sickening feeling I’m the reason she feels it.
“I don’t know where to start or how to do this.”
She begins sobbing and I pull her in for a hug but she quickly pulls away, wiping her tears from her face. I want to comfort her, but I also want to give her the space she needs. As she leads the way, I follow a few steps behind. Every few seconds, she glances over her shoulder to be sure I’m still following.
When she stops, I watch her place a kiss into her palm and touch the headstone in front of her. She lets her hand linger there for longer than I would expect and then places the flowers gingerly along the bottom. It’s a very loving and intimate moment that stops me in my tracks, allowing her the privacy I think she needs. After a brief moment passes, she motions me forward. As I reach her, I glance down at the headstone.
Lila Hope Matthews
January 2011
‘The angels caught you before you could fall. You are forever loved as you fly amongst them, gracing us with your blinding light. You are loved, always.”
I look up at Kate only to see she’s crying again. Then I look back down and read it again, and again, and again.
This can’t be happening.
“Ours?” I choke out.
“Yes,” she whispers.
As I fall to my knees, a howl escapes me. My eyes are clouded with tears that are falling uncontrollably. This can’t be. All I ever wanted was a baby with Kate, a family, our family. A little girl. I had a little girl…had…I had a little girl.
“NO.” I scream through my tears as a pain unlike anything I’ve ever felt before takes a permanent hold on my soul.
“No, no, no, no, no,” the words come out in wails. Kate drops to her knees and hugs me. I can’t bring myself to look at her, but I let her hold me in her loving embrace. The sorrow on her face was because we lost a child. It’s a sorrow no one should ever experience. It’s not natural; parents shouldn’t outlive their children. There’s a natural order to things and this isn’t it.
“I’m so sorry, Michael. I tried so hard to get her here. I tried so hard to take care of her, but she was taken from me anyway. I’m so, so, sorry.”
Both of us are crying uncontrollably as I pull her onto my lap and hold her in my arms. I don’t think I could get closer to her if I tried and yet we still aren’t close enough. We’re trying to comfort each other, to ease each other’s pain, but I don’t think this kind of pain can ever get easier. We sit in silence for a long time and finally when my tears start to slow, I reach up and wipe hers away. Her scent is enveloping me in a cocoon of love and I don’t even give kissing her a second thought. Our kiss is slow and sorrowful and beautiful and makes me long for more. She opens to me briefly and when I taste her, my heart floods with the love I never thought we’d find again. I’ve missed her so much.
She pulls away, shaking her head. “This isn’t… we can’t… not here… not now.” I rest my head against hers. “I know. I’m sorry. Can you please tell me what happened?” Nodding, she points to the bench. I help her up and we sit.
“We tried to get in touch with you, but you had disappeared. I knew you would call or text or something eventually. I had my phone on all the time. Even in class. I knew you were hurt, and running scared, but I also knew you better than anyone and I knew us. I always knew you would come back…it was just a matter of time.”
I continue watching her with a newfound intensity and more than a lifetime’s worth of regret.
“I didn’t find out I was pregnant for a while. I was a mess when you left. I didn’t eat, I wasn’t sleeping, I couldn’t focus in my classes… When I could eat, I threw up almost immediately. I was a mess—I was stressed and heartbroken. Then one day, I passed out right in front of Jess and she was terrified something was happening to me like my mom. She took me to the hospital and that’s when I found out.”
“How long after I left?”
“A few months… October.”
October
The message I left her was in October. Jess told me to come back. Jess told me she was in the hospital.
What have I done?
“As it turned out, I was suffering extreme dehydration and depression and I was three months pregnant. They admitted me to the hospital and assigned me a counselor. I knew I wanted the baby with all my heart, but I needed help to understand it was all going to be okay. The counselor was great. She worked with me, and every day after that I did a little bit better than I did the day before.”
She closes her eyes and releases a sigh.
“I still held on to hope that you would come back. I talked to her every single day, making sure to let her know how much she was loved by the both of us. How excited I was to meet her and how when you stopped grieving you were going to be so happy to meet her.”
She has no idea how happy I would have been.
“How did you get pregnant? You were always so careful.”
She laughs, but it sounds hollow “Antibiotics decrease the pills’ effectiveness.”
“The Bahamas?” I ask, but I already know the answer.
“Yup, our island paradise. It makes sense. Beauty created in beautiful surroundings.”
I wished her pregnant for so long. I grasp her hand in mine and squeeze it.
“If I had known, Kate, I would have been here.
You know that, right? All I ever wanted was a family with you. I’m so sorry,” I tell her, hanging my head in shame.
“I…I didn’t know. I didn’t realize, you only mentioned it twice.”
“Yeah, and you freaked out so I let it go. I knew it would happen eventually but I would dream about it, hope for it, and when it finally did I missed it all.”
She opens her purse and pulls out a small frame and hands it to me. It’s an ultrasound, a 3D one and I can see her face. Oh my god, I can see my baby girl’s face. It’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen in my life. Tears are falling from my eyes onto the glass of the frame and I quickly wipe them off with a tissue. When I hand the frame back to her she shakes her head.
“That one is yours; I’ve been waiting for a long time to give it to you.”
“Thank you.”
She nods. “Since you weren’t around, I kept a journal. It’s at the house. It’s not much because it’s only about three months’ worth of entries. I’ll give it to you later; it’s an accounting of her growth and mine. How it felt when she kicked. Little things like that. You weren’t here, but I knew you were coming back, and we would be an ‘us’ again. I didn’t want you to miss anything. It was my way of sharing her and the experience with you even though you weren’t there.”
“You should hate me,” I reply sadly
“I did, or at least I thought I did, but I was just hurt. I went through a lot, and I was broken. Jess and I went from planning our classes around each other so one of us could always be with the baby to planning a funeral in the span of three months. I’ve never felt the kind of pain I felt back then. I was hoping you would come back because I was absolutely lost without you. My heart was broken and then when I lost Lila Hope, I never thought I would be whole again.”
“So what happened?”
“We were heading up to see Maryanne for the weekend and we were in a car accident. It was just an unfortunate chain of events—a car blew a tire and it all spun out of control from there. It wasn’t a big accident, pretty slow speed, actually. We ended up hitting the center divider but with just enough speed for the airbags to deploy. The airbag hit my abdomen just the right way and caused a placental abruption. I hemorrhaged and needed a blood transfusion. Eventually they got control of the bleeding and I should still be able to have kids, but Lila Hope was gone before they could even get her out.”
