by D. Kelly
I lose it all over again and am overcome with the need to be as close as I can to my little girl. Before I know it, I’m sitting at the base of her headstone.
“It was just a random, freak accident?”
“Yes. Jess blamed herself for a long time because she was driving, but I knew it wasn’t her fault and that helped me heal. By convincing Jess it was just an accident, I was also able to convince myself that was the truth.”
Now I know why Jess got rid of her Audi; she would have never been able to get in it again after that. Poor Jess. I know how she thinks and I’m sure she carries a big burden of guilt over all of this.
“How far along were you?”
“Twenty six weeks, so about six and a half months.”
“I wasn’t here for her or for you. Kate, how could I have missed it? I missed my own daughter’s funeral. God… I missed her… funeral. I missed it, I missed it all. I didn’t get to say goodbye. She didn’t know I loved her. I would have loved her so much. She would have been my whole world, you both would have. God, Kate, I’m so sorry. I know it’s not enough, it will never be enough, but I’m so fucking sorry.”
My heart is officially shattered, so much so I don’t understand how I’m even still alive. Yet I’m still here and I’m still breathing while my little girl is in a box underneath me. Kate’s sitting with me now, holding my hand like she’ll never let it go. Suddenly, I realize this is just the beginning of my pain, but for her this is closure. I don’t even know how to begin processing that fact.
“She knew, Michael. I promise you, she knew. I told her every day how much we both loved her. No one even really knew I was even pregnant. I mean, it was noticeable, but aside from the doctors, only Jess, Maryanne and Marc knew what was going on. Even our parents only found out last week.”
My jaw clenches when she says his name. Marc. I’m even angrier with myself because he was here and I wasn’t.
“I buried her with your bracelet. She needed to know your love would catch her, too.”
Just when I thought it wasn’t possible to cry anymore, the floodgates open and I cry until my stomach is heaving and the tears have run dry. Kate is patient and calm; she’s the pillar of strength while sitting with me and holding my hand. She’s my rock and I don’t deserve her comfort. But I’m weak and I continue to let her comfort me because I need her right now more than I’ve ever needed anyone before.
“Daniel and Connor know. Daniel wanted to come up here with me but I just couldn’t let him meet her before you. It just didn’t seem right.”
My eyes lock onto hers and I see the sincerity radiating from them.
“Thank you,” I reply quietly
She nods. “Your dad and I have had plenty of talks. Well, of course I talk and he listens, but I like to think I knew him well enough to know his advice.”
She rises and holds her hand out to me, which I take eagerly, and she leads me directly behind Lila Hope’s headstone. I immediately know she had those benches put here.
“Since Lila and Grant passed so close to each other, I was able to get them back to back. Your mom owns the two plots adjacent to Grant but I bought the rest of this area. I guess not too many people buy ten plots in an underdeveloped part of a cemetery. They gave me a good price; I just couldn’t imagine my little girl not being surrounded by her family. There was no room left by my mom since she was buried so long ago but this worked out better in the long run.”
It’s comforting to know my dad is so close to Lila Hope.
“Thank you, Kate.”
“For what?” she asks, surprised
“For being the mother my little girl needed, for being a strong enough woman to get through it and then strong enough to walk me through it, too. If I would have known…”
“It’s okay, Mike, I know you would have been here if you were in the right head space. We have a lot to talk about and catch up on, but can this be enough for today?” she asks wearily.
We’ve been here for hours and I know she still has to go talk to Daniel.
“Of course, let’s get you home.”
We ride back in complete silence, both of us lost in our own thoughts. It doesn’t escape my notice that she’s been holding my hand the entire two hour ride home. Hopefully, that is a good sign for things to come.
CHAPTER THREE
KATE
I texted Daniel on our way back from the cemetery but haven’t looked at my phone since. I just want to be somewhere else—anywhere else—but right here, right now. I thought taking Mike to see Lila Hope would give me a sense of closure and in a way it has. However, I never imagined all the emotions the trip would evoke in me. My heart is absolutely breaking for him, for us, and for what we lost. I’ve been holding his hand since we got in the car and I don’t know if I can let it go. All I want to do is take him inside and curl up with him and never let him go. I know we’re grieving, but his kiss made my heart soar in a way it hasn’t in a very long time.
Am I still in love with him?
I don’t know, I don’t think so, but every part of my being wants to comfort him. I can’t imagine letting him drive home to deal with this all alone. As the car pulls up to the curb, he squeezes my hand tighter. Daniel is here; it’s likely he never even left. After exiting the car in silence, I reach back behind me and give Mike my hand. I want him to know I’m here for him and he doesn’t have to go through this alone. As we walk inside, still hand in hand, I don’t miss the flash of anger in Daniel’s eyes, but it’s gone as quick as it came. He knows I have to be here for Mike right now; I’m all he’s got.
Jess practically rips Mike away from me and hugs him tightly, whispering in his ear. Connor is next, followed by Daniel. I don’t know why that surprises me, but it does. It’s just another reason why I love him; his ability to put others’ needs above his own. For that exact reason, he should understand why I’m doing this.
“I’m so sorry, man,” Daniel says to Mike. Mike is clutching on to him in that way guys do when they’re emotional and Daniel is clutching right back. Watching them together just reinforces all the reasons why I can’t pick between them, even though it doesn’t ease the pain in my heart.
“I know you are and so am I.” They aren’t just talking about Lila Hope anymore, and even if this doesn’t solve anything, it’s a start.
Jess pulls me to the side for a private conversation. “I’m not going to ask if you’re okay because I can tell you’re not, but you should know that Daniel stayed here all day. He’s a mess, Kate.”
I just nod my head at her because I’m exhausted and it’s all I can do right now.
“Look, we’re going to take Mike to Connor’s house so you and Daniel can have some privacy. Text me when he leaves and we’ll come back.”
“Jess, can you give Mike my number, please? And don’t let him drive right now, okay? Let him ride with you guys. He’s not in the frame of mind to be behind the wheel.”
“Sure, we can do that. How did it go?” she asks
“Besides burying Lila Hope, that was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life.”
“I’m so sorry, Kate; you shouldn’t have to go through this again.”
Connor pops his head in, “Are my girls okay?” he asks and we nod in unison.
“Well, in that case, are you ready to get going? It’s a little tense out here.”
“Yup, let’s go. Call me if you need anything, Kate, and I’ll be back here as fast as I can.”
I step into the bathroom as they leave and splash my face with water. I’m a mess but I know Daniel doesn’t even care. Trying to get the nerve together to go and speak with him is harder than I thought it would be. It’s just the two of us now, and as much as I want to find my comfort in him, I need my space to start getting over him.
There’s a light rap on the door. I’ve been in here way too long avoiding reality. It’s not my usual style, but this is so hard.
“Kate, can you please come out and talk to me?”
<
br /> I swing open the door and he immediately pulls me into his arms—my home, my comfort zone, the only place I thought I would ever want to be. I don’t want to feel conflicted like this. I want him with every fiber of my being and yet, I want Mike, too. It’s so much better this way, being forced to push them both away. I don’t want to have to choose between them. They both mean too much to me. Even so, there’s nothing better than the feeling of being wrapped in Daniel’s arms. When he kisses me on the forehead, I want to melt into him. Instead, it’s my cue to pull away.
“Talk to me, Kate.” His voice is pained
“It was awful, Daniel, just so awful. It broke him, like it broke me. But in a way, it was almost worse, so much worse. I was on the outside looking in and yet I felt every shatter of his heart encompassed in my own.”
“I’m sorry you guys had to go through that. I wish… I wish things were different and I could help Mike get through this. That we could separate our feelings for you from our friendship, but I just don’t see that happening.”
I sigh softly; it’s a relief knowing that he sees it, too.
“I’m glad you understand, maybe that will help make this easier.”
He looks at me, shocked.
“Kate. I CHOOSE YOU. Always. Last night, you said you chose me, too. And today…today you’re all over the place. You said you wouldn’t make any decisions without me and yet here we are. We have to talk about Vanessa, and Mike, and work through…”
“Mike kissed me!” I blurt out.
I will never forget the look of rage and pain that crosses his eyes in this instant. It’s seared into my soul.
“HE DID WHAT?” he yells, but it sounds like a roar.
I put my head in my hands to hide my tears and I whisper softly, “Mike kissed me.”
Daniel begins pacing back and forth across the room, not saying anything to me but slowly counting to ten each time he crosses the floor.
“Did you want him to?” he asks sadly.
“No.” I only answer with one word because I don’t want to volunteer any information. But I told him I would never lie to him and I won’t.
“Did you kiss him back?” He struggles with the last word and I know he doesn’t want to hear the answer he’s going to get.
“Yes.”
“Fuck!” More pacing and more counting. I can’t help thinking he must have learned the counting trick from his mom.
“Tell me the context of the kiss, Kate. I need you to explain it to me.”
“Daniel, I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”
“Damn it, Kate! Your lips were on mine less than twenty-four hours ago. Until this morning, I thought we had a future together. At the very least you owe me an explanation.”
He’s right. I owe him this, and so much more.
“It wasn’t planned. Hearing about Lila Hope broke him. He always wanted a family, but I never knew how much until today. He was so upset and I was trying to comfort him, we were holding each other and crying and it just happened. And I’m truly sorry if it hurts you. I pulled away once I realized what was happening.”
“Do you want to go back to him?”
“No, I don’t.” It’s the truth, right?
“Okay, then we need to talk and clear the air. We need to fix this, Kate.”
“I know we do, but I’m not sure what to say. There’s no way I’m going to get between you and your best friend. Period. You guys are family and need to stay that way. You’re each other’s support systems. Not to mention the fact you might be having a baby. That’s a big deal. If you’re the father, you’re going to want to be there. I know you; you’re going to want to be involved. You should have a chance at a family the right way. So should Mike, for that matter, if it’s his. I need to remove myself as an obstacle between the two of you before things get any worse.”
“Too late,” he says as he gets up from the couch and paces some more. I’ve never seen this side of him. He’s determined and I can tell his mind is working overtime.
“Do you remember the night we met?”
I nod and he comes forward, kneeling in front of me and lacing our fingers together.
“That night, you said you wanted someone caring and faithful in a relationship. Someone who would understand that although a relationship can be affected by outside forces, it isn’t defined by them. You said you wanted someone who loves you for who you are and believes in you. That you wanted someone who would continue to believe in a relationship even if it was failing. Do you remember that?”
Holy shit, he remembers every single word I said.
“Yes, I remember,” I answer in awe as he wipes away my tears.
“So do I, baby, and that’s what I’m doing, and what I’m going to continue to do. I realize you’re confused and this seems like an impossible situation, but it’s not. I’m going to believe in us until we are no longer failing. Until we are not only surviving, but thriving. Our relationship is not going to be defined by this. We define ourselves; our circumstances do not define us. Remember, all love needs is two people to believe in it enough to resurrect it and keep it alive. That’s me and you, Kate. We can do this, we’ve got this. Don’t give up on us. Not yet, baby, not when we’re just getting started.”
This amazing man before me loves me with all he has to give and I’m stuck taking the moral high ground and trying to look a year into the future. “Daniel, I love you. Too much to let you throw away your friendship with Mike. He needs you, now more than ever before. Vanessa is pregnant and she needs someone there for her, too. She needs at least one if not both of you. I know Mike is going to have a lot harder time being around her than you are, which means for now, most of that responsibility is going to fall to you.”
He’s shaking his head at me. “We’ll work around Vanessa and the baby.”
“You can’t work around a baby, Daniel,” I snap at him
“No, you can’t, but you can work around a situation and not let yourself get emotionally invested until it’s necessary. You know what Vanessa put us through; I’m going into this with my eyes wide open.”
I can’t stand the thought that this baby may be his but it’s a reality I have to face. “Fair enough, but once the baby comes, if he’s yours…”
He pulls me up from the couch and holds me close. “If he’s mine, I’m going to co-parent with Vanessa. We’ll be friends, but I don’t want to be with her romantically, not ever again.”
“You should try, for the baby’s sake at least. You could have a family—a real family—and that is priceless for a child.”
He tilts my chin up to him, slowly backing me up against the wall. Those butterflies take flight in my stomach; it’s the same wall he fucked me up against and I know he’s thinking about it, too, from the gleam in his eyes.
He trails a line of kisses along my neck, pausing at my ear. “Family is what you make it, Kate, we talked about that, too. There’s no reason why you can’t be the best step-mom there has ever been when the time comes. If that time ever comes. It’s still only a fifty percent chance.”
I close my eyes, relishing the closeness, even if I know I shouldn’t, and breathe in his scent. He cracks a grin; he knows exactly what I’m doing and uses it to his advantage by making the tiny gap between us even smaller. I want to smile back but I strengthen my resolve instead.
“The odds haven’t been in our favor lately.”
“Look at me, Kate. The odds are always in our favor. That’s what you’re forgetting; we are writing our story here. Sure, the roads may take some unexpected curves every now and then, but we are still in control of how we handle them. Don’t forget I’m an expert at handling all kinds of curves.” As he says those words, his hands are roaming from my hips all the way up to my breasts. I tremble in his arms while his words wash over me, filling me with warmth. It doesn’t matter; I still have to convince him this is wrong.
“Look, this is going to sound selfish, but I don’t know if I could be a step-mom. I�
��m bitter inside right now, Daniel. Bitterness isn’t something I’m familiar with; it feels a lot like jealousy and I’m struggling. Vanessa has either taken away our firstborn child or she’s given Mike something I couldn’t. Either scenario kills me inside, but it still doesn’t matter because I can’t have either of you. Both of you love me, both of you are making that a well-known fact, and I can’t have you! I’m doing this for all of us, and the sooner you both accept that the better.”
I try and push away from him but he presses me up against the wall with force. Not a harmful force, it’s an erotic force, and I wish it didn’t turn me on so much.
The glimmer I see in his eyes is new, and I have no clue what it means, but he looks ready for a challenge. Whatever the look is, it’s hot and it’s taking all my self-control not to throw my arms around his neck and wrap my legs around his waist for a repeat of what we did last time he had me up against this wall.
“This is going to be a fight, Kate, our first, but most definitely not our last. I fight for what’s mine. And you, baby, you’re mine. You have been from the minute your eager lips pressed against mine and you granted me access into that fucking perfect little mouth of yours. So go ahead and be the good girl, play the martyr. Eventually, you’ll figure out Mike comes in second but I’ll always be first. You want to pretend this is about us all staying friends? Go ahead. All this really is about is you not being able to hurt him, even though that’s exactly what he did to you. So if you really want to play this way, then GAME ON. I won’t be easy on you and I’m going to love watching you try to resist what you crave and what you crave is me. Come on, baby. Tell me you aren’t wet right fucking now, Kate. Tell me you aren’t thinking about my cock being buried so deep inside you that you’ll forget exactly why you’re fighting us. I know just from the way your breath is hitching all you want right now is me. This is going to be so much fun, baby. I’ve always thought a challenge makes the end result even sweeter so… GAME FUCKING ON.”
