With All My Love

by Patricia Scanlan

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

  ‘Well?’ Terence called from his bedroom as Carmel made her way back to hers.

  ‘A baby girl. Eight pounds two ounces.’ Carmel stood at his door. At least despite his bitterness over the whole affair, he’d been concerned enough to ask, she thought with relief. Since the revelation of Valerie’s pregnancy and the acrimonious meeting at the Egans’ house all those months ago, Terence had withdrawn into himself and their marriage had deteriorated to a new low. She knew he would never forgive her for going against him and backing Tessa. Even when she told him that Valerie had gone into labour he had just grunted and not lifted his eyes from his paper. So she was more than surprised that he had called out to her to find out what was the news.

  ‘And there she is now, with a baby to bring up, and she could have been a doctor or a lawyer. I did my best for her, but no one would listen to me. It should have been different. He should have married her. And you should have backed me on that,’ Terence said irately.

  ‘All that matters now is that Valerie’s OK and the baby’s healthy,’ Carmel said tiredly. ‘Are you going to come up to the hospital and see her?’

  ‘No!’ Terence said brusquely.

  ‘Shame on you that you wouldn’t go and see your daughter and grandchild,’ she remonstrated.

  ‘No, Carmel. The shame isn’t on me. The shame is on her. I told the pair of you that I was washing my hands of the whole affair and I meant it. Good night.’

  Carmel felt utterly disheartened as she walked into her own room. Her husband was a bitter pill and he was going to miss out on so much in the years to come. That was his lookout and she felt sorry for him. For herself, she couldn’t wait to see her daughter and her new grandchild. She was glad it was a little girl, she thought wearily as she got back into bed. It had been a long day and night, but at least Valerie had had Lizzie and Jeff to sustain her.

  Carmel exhaled a long deep breath as she lay against her pillows and pulled the blanket up to her chin. She had been surrounded by strangers at Valerie’s birth. Kind strangers. Efficient nurses and doctors, but strangers nevertheless. Terence had stayed for a couple of hours in the hospital waiting room but had gone home as the night progressed and there was no sign of her labour ending. In the end she’d had to have a Caesarean.

  Valerie had been lucky to have two of the people she loved most by her side. That thought gave Carmel great comfort as she eventually drifted off to sleep.

  ‘Well, thank God for that good news and that it all went well.’ Tessa nestled in against Lorcan’s shoulder and sipped the hot chocolate he’d made for her.

  ‘Thank God, again,’ Lorcan agreed. ‘I just wish their circumstances were a bit less rocky.’

  ‘It’s not so bad. Valerie has a good job and Jeff will get a good one, and if the worst comes to the worst he always has a job on the boat until he gets on his feet.’ She yawned.

  ‘I know, but she’s in a flat and he’s in digs. He should be with her,’ Lorcan said.

  ‘They can’t afford to get a flat together at the moment, and that’s just the way it is. It’s important that Jeff gets his qualification,’ she pointed out.

  ‘We could help them out. We could pay Jeff’s half of the rent if they got a place together,’ Lorcan suggested.

  ‘Let’s leave them as they are for the time being until Jeff’s exams are over,’ Tessa proposed.

  ‘We can suggest it to them and see what they say. We can work something out, surely?’ Lorcan persisted, a frown deepening the lines chiselled in his tanned face.

  ‘Let’s not interfere too much or put pressure on them,’ Tessa said, wishing he’d drop it.

  ‘I just feel he should be with Valerie, helping out. It’s all very new to her and she needs all the support she can get. You know what it was like with a new baby,’ Lorcan said equably, recognizing that his wife was getting a little edgy.

  ‘She has Lizzie,’ Tessa reminded him.

  ‘It’s not up to Lizzie really.’

  ‘Just let’s see how things go. We can step in if we’re needed.’ Tessa yawned again.

  ‘OK.’ Lorcan stood up and held his hand out to her. ‘Come on, Grandma, I’ve got an early start in the morning. I won’t be able to stay in bed cuddling the pillow like you will.’

  ‘Aahh, Lorcan, you rotter,’ she groaned. ‘Did you have to say that? I’d forgotten. God, it’s so ageing.’

  ‘Ah, you’re not a bad-looking doll for an auld wan,’ he grinned.

  ‘I’m not being called Granny, absolutely not!’ she declared emphatically as she walked up the stairs with him.

  ‘Nana?’

  ‘Nope!’

  ‘Grandmamma?’ he chuckled.

  ‘What’s wrong with Tessa?’ she said grumpily as they reached their bedroom.

  ‘Nothing. Tessa’s perfectly lovely, but it’s nice for a child to have grandparents and I’m looking forward to hearing her call me Granddad,’ Lorcan revealed as he drew the curtains and shut out the night.

  ‘Gramma, maybe. How about that? That’s what I used to call my grandmother when I was young. Gramma isn’t quite so elderly-sounding. That’s what I’ll be. Gramma Egan,’ Tessa decided.

  ‘Gramma sounds good,’ Lorcan approved as he kicked off his shoes and unbuckled his belt. ‘And a very sexy Gramma you are too,’ he teased as she pulled her jumper over her head and unhooked her bra.

  ‘Stop, you,’ she laughed, stepping out of her jeans.

  ‘If I wasn’t so tired I’d prove it to you.’ Lorcan’s blue eyes glinted in amusement.

  ‘Go to sleep. We’re too old for that carry-on, we’re grandparents,’ Tessa retorted as she pulled her nightdress over her head, got into bed and put out the light.

  ‘Good night, Granny.’ He got in beside her and put his arms around her.

  ‘Good night, Granddad.’ She smiled in the dark. ‘I love you, Lorcan.’

  ‘I love you too,’ he said sleepily and his arms tightened around her.

  ‘Really? Do you, Lorcan?’ she asked intently.

  ‘Yes I do, Tessa. Please don’t go down that road again and cause the two of us misery,’ he sighed.

  ‘OK.’ She was subdued.

  ‘Go to sleep and be happy. This is a good night for our family.’

  ‘Yes, I know.’

  ‘Tessa, please, let the past be. We’ve come a long way since then and everything worked out for us.’

  ‘OK, Lorcan, go to sleep,’ she murmured.

  He kissed her shoulder and she relaxed a little. She was foolish to look back; her husband was right. The past was the past. But the past had the strangest way of rearing its head when least expected.

  Oh, Lorcan, I wish things had been different for us all those years ago, she thought wistfully, as her husband began to snore softly and a foghorn howled a long wailing note out in the bay.

  ‘Aah, Valerie, isn’t she the little dote?’ Carmel exclaimed delightedly as she cuddled her new granddaughter. ‘Do you know, she’s the image of you when you were born.’ Carmel regarded her thoughtfully. ‘And she has your nose and your long fingers.’

  ‘I’m just glad she’s safe and well,’ Valerie said. After the high of giving birth and the relief that had enveloped her afterwards she felt a little down. For some reason she hadn’t slept very well, even though she was exhausted. That was normal too, a nurse had assured her, as she tossed and turned and felt as though her poor nether regions would never recover. The painkiller they gave her had helped and she’d eventually dozed off just before dawn, only to be awoken by the clattering of the breakfast trolleys at an unearthly hour.

  ‘And I’m so glad Lizzie and Jeff were with you. It’s not easy,’ Carmel said sympathetically, noting how weary her daughter looked. ‘Would you like me to come and stay for a few days when you get home? I could sleep on the sofa, if it was all right with Lizzie?’

  ‘Would you?’ Valerie said in surprise.

  ‘Of course I would.’

  ‘Wh
at about Dad?’

  ‘What about him? He’s well able to look after himself. I’m not his servant,’ Carmel said tartly.

  ‘That would be great, Mam. I feel a bit nervous going home with her,’ Valerie admitted.

  ‘Right, I’ll go back home after visiting hours and organize myself, and you let me know when you’re getting out and I’ll be straight up to you,’ Carmel declared. ‘Just make sure Lizzie has no objections.’

  ‘I know she won’t – she’s the best in the world – but I’ll say it to her, of course. Oh, Mam, thank you. I won’t be half as worried going home with her now. I’m really grateful to you.’ Valerie’s eyes filled with tears.

  ‘You don’t have to be grateful. I’m your mother, of course I’d be with you. Don’t cry now, there’s a good girl.’ Carmel kissed the top of her head. ‘Your hormones are all over the place: you’ll be laughing one minute and crying the next.’

  Valerie blew her nose. ‘I know. I’m in a heap.’

  ‘It’s normal. They’ll settle too. Don’t forget your body is going through big changes. It takes time to get over the birth and adjust.’

  ‘Did Dad say anything? Valerie asked hesitantly.

  ‘He asked me how you got on.’ Carmel stroked the baby’s cheek. ‘He was relieved it had gone well.’

  ‘But that’s it?’

  ‘He’ll adapt. You know what he’s like,’ Carmel said lightly. ‘Don’t let it bother you. You have enough to be thinking about with this little angel.’

  ‘He’ll never accept her,’ Valerie fretted.

  ‘Well, if he doesn’t, that’s his enormous loss, Valerie, and I feel sorry for him,’ Carmel said quietly. ‘Look what he’s missing,’ she added as Briony opened her big eyes and gave a little gurgle.

  ‘Yes, a little angel, that’s what you are,’ Carmel cooed tenderly, engrossed in her wondrous grandchild.

  Valerie observed her mother as she crooned to the baby. It was a side of Carmel that she had never seen before, this gentle, happy, peaceful energy that she was sharing with her grandchild. It was very comforting and she relaxed against her pillows, content to watch them together.

  ‘Briony is a gift in our lives, just as you were a gift in mine, Valerie. Be joyful about her,’ Carmel said gently when she leaned over to kiss Valerie goodbye as the bell signalling the end of visiting hours rang throughout the hospital.

  ‘Thanks for everything, Mam. I love you very much.’ Valerie gave her a hug. ‘And now Briony has brought us even closer. I hope I’ll be as good a mother to her as you are to me.’

  ‘I love you too, dear,’ Carmel said, inordinately happy at her daughter’s unexpected declaration. She could never remember them telling each other that they loved each other until today.

  It was certainly one of the most momentous days of her life, Carmel reflected as the bus taking her back to Wicklow sped along the N11. Exuberant flashes of yellow gorse dressing the landscape in spring finery lifted her spirits even more. When she had held her grandchild it had brought back long-forgotten memories of the time Valerie had been born. It had been a happy time in her marriage too, she recalled with surprise, remembering how she and Terence had been so pleased to have become parents. They had someone other than each other to focus on. They had a mutual goal to do the best for their daughter. For a while, it seemed that they were like other couples of their acquaintance and that had been a great comfort for a couple of years. Yes, she’d forgotten that they had once had a time in their marriage where there was affection and contentment, if not love. That had been Valerie’s gift to her and Terence.

  If only her husband could put aside his bitterness and the baggage from his past, Briony could be a source of healing and a gift for him too, but he was too entrenched in his ‘poor me’ outlook on life to see what was out there for him.

  When she got off the bus in Rockland’s, Carmel made her way to St Anthony’s, went to the shrine of Our Lady and lit some candles.

  ‘Thank you, dear Mother, for my beautiful grandchild. Keep her and my daughter in your loving care, O Mother of Mothers. Soften my husband’s heart towards them and help me be compassionate towards him,’ she prayed earnestly.

  Carmel was surprised at her fervour. She didn’t normally go into the church to pray, except on Sunday at Mass, but seeing that beautiful baby had touched a well-spring of love in her that she had forgotten she possessed, and as one mother to another she had felt compelled to call on Mother Mary’s help.

  Terence was home before her and had eaten the dinner she had left for him. How lovely it would be if he had the table laid ready for her and the casserole heated up, she thought as she set the table for herself. He hadn’t even asked her how she’d got on, just turned up the sound on the TV to watch the news and immerse himself in the doom and gloom of the economy, and the troubles in the North and the political intrigues. He was very pleased that Haughey was now back in power. Carmel despised the slithery politician: a master of the political stroke, devious and egocentric. Terence admired him hugely. They were a lot alike, Carmel thought as she heard Haughey’s nasally drone on the TV.

  How could Terence be so unaffected by the knowledge that his only child now had a child of her own? His own flesh and blood? How could he turn his back on them so easily? If he saw the baby, would it make any difference to him? Perhaps when he saw Briony his heart would soften. When Valerie was up to it, Carmel would try to get her to come home for a few days, she decided as she sat down to eat her dinner. Once her husband laid eyes on his new grandchild he would fall in love with her, just as she had, and all the resentment and bad feeling would be a thing of the past.

  ‘How did you sleep?’

  ‘Not great, how did you sleep?’

  ‘Not great either.’

  Jeff and Valerie smiled at each other as she breast-fed Briony. The curtains were pulled around her bed and they felt cocooned in a little pink bubble despite the hustle and bustle of the ward.

  ‘She’s guzzling away, isn’t she?’ Jeff studied his daughter in fascination.

  ‘Yeah, at last. It took us a while to get the hang of it. I thought I was going to have to bottle-feed. The nurses were very kind, though, and very patient, and I’m glad now that we’ve cracked it. But I can express milk too, and you’ll get the chance to give her a bottle so you won’t lose out,’ Valerie said happily. She was feeling better and very relieved to have her baby contentedly suckling at her breast. Although she would only admit it to Lizzie, it wasn’t that she would have felt a failure as a mother if Briony hadn’t latched on, she would have been more disappointed about not being able to breast-feed because it was so handy. It made life much easier than fussing about with bottles, and there was the added bonus of losing weight quicker. She wouldn’t be able to drink, but that wouldn’t kill her.

  ‘Ma and Da are dying to see her,’ Jeff interrupted her musings.

  Valerie’s heart sank. In the excitement of giving birth and Carmel’s earlier visit she had forgotten that her daughter had two other grandparents. She was going to have to engage with Tessa and Lorcan a lot more. She liked Lorcan – he was a kind man; she had no problem with him – but Tessa was another kettle of fish. It was because of Tessa and her interference that she and Jeff weren’t yet married. She blamed her much more than her own mother. Carmel would have backed down on the marriage issue if push came to shove; Tessa never would.

  Valerie looked at her boyfriend, eyes fixed intently on their now sleeping daughter, his index finger gripped tightly by her tiny fingers. Of course he would want his parents to see his daughter, just as she had been so eager for Carmel’s visit. It behoved her to behave well, unfortunately.

  Valerie plastered a smile on her face and said with as much sincerity as she could muster, ‘It will be lovely for them to see their first grandchild. I’ll try and have her fed before visiting hours. I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing it in front of them.’

  ‘Oh, yeah, right,’ he agreed, taking the sleeping baby from Valeri
e. ‘Mam wants to talk about the christening. She’d like to have a little family party at home for us afterwards. Isn’t that nice?’ He gave a boyish grin.

  ‘Oh!’ Valerie was dismayed. She hadn’t given Briony’s christening ceremony any thought. Trust Tessa to start interfering already. She wasn’t even sure if she wanted to go back to Rockland’s with her baby and face the neighbours.

  And what about Carmel? Would she be invited? Terence definitely wouldn’t set foot in the Egans’ house again, Valerie could guarantee that. Why couldn’t Tessa just let things be? She fretted as all these new complications took shape.

  ‘Look, let’s not make any decisions yet. Let me get the baby home to the flat and settled in. If we’re going to be living in Dublin maybe we should have her christened up here. We’ll talk about it when I’m out of hospital.’ She fastened the buttons on her nightdress and didn’t see the look of disappointment that flashed across Jeff’s face.

  ‘Oh, OK,’ he agreed, sighing.

  The visitors’ bell rang. ‘Go home and do some studying. I don’t want your mother thinking we’re distracting you too much,’ Valerie urged. After hearing the news about the proposed christening party chez Tessa, she was very put out. Clearly she was going to have to keep a tight rein on Tessa Egan to keep her from sticking her nose in where it wasn’t wanted. She’d have to nip her interference in the bud from the very beginning and make sure that Jeff’s mother never got the chance to meddle in her life again. Valerie watched Jeff tenderly lay the baby in the small cot at her bedside and felt sick at the thought of his parents’ impending visit.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  Oh Lord, Tessa thought, her heart sinking as she saw Terence coming out of Mrs Breen’s front garden with his lawnmower. She took a deep breath and fixed a smile on her face. She hadn’t seen him to talk to since that fraught meeting in her sitting room the previous year.

  ‘Terence, how are you?’ she greeted him politely. ‘Isn’t it great news about Valerie and the baby? Thank God it all went well for her. We’re going up to see them tomorrow. We’re hoping to have a christening party for the baby, and you and Carmel will be most welcome to come,’ she added magnanimously. She felt she had to invite him. It would be incredibly rude not to.