With All My Love
Page 34
He noticed a letter on the hallstand where his wife always left his post, and ripped it open. He read the contents, momentarily perplexed, and then his brow drew down in a frown. Tessa Egan must have persuaded Carmel to post young Briony a letter. Valerie’s lassie would be better off having nothing to do with that lot. All they did was cause trouble. The cheek of Tessa, declaring undying love. If she’d loved her grandchild as she’d professed, she’d never have allowed her to be born illegitimate and remain so when that ne’er-do-well of a son of hers was alive. You had your chance, Madam Egan, all those years ago. It’s too late now, he thought dismissively. He crumpled up the letter and the envelope and shoved it in his pocket. He’d burn it later, and if Carmel asked him about it he’d say he dropped it in the postbox for her.
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
‘Mom, Miss Lala is very hungry and wants Coco Pops for breakfast.’ Briony struggled to consciousness to see Katie peering into her face, with her doll in one hand and her teddy in the other.
Light streamed in through the shutters, and she blinked, suddenly remembering where she was. Briony stretched luxuriantly. She was in Spain on her holidays, no longer any need to get up and feed Katie and rush to start the day. Bliss!
And then the dull ache of recollection: finding the letter, Tessa’s letter. Valerie’s betrayal. Reality hit. Briony felt sick.
‘Can we have our breakfast outside, Mom? Are we going to Zoco today, Mom? Mom, will you come for a swim today?’ The barrage of questions was relentless.
‘Let’s just have breakfast first and then we’ll sort ourselves.’ She swung her legs out of bed and felt a rush of nausea. Great, all she needed, a dodgy tummy on top of everything. She sat on the side of the bed taking deep breaths as Katie beamed at her, her blond curls tousled, her cheeks pink. Briony held out her arms, and Katie snuggled in, smothering her in kisses. ‘Morning, Mom.’
‘What time is it? Briony glanced at the alarm clock. ‘Katie, it’s seven thirty; we’re on our holidays,’ she chided.
‘But Miss Lala’s hungry and my sleep’s all gone,’ Katie explained patiently.
‘Well, my sleep isn’t,’ she said crossly. ‘Come on, I’ll get your breakfast and I’ll open my bedroom door and you can play on the terrace and I’ll get back into bed for a snooze,’ she grumbled, getting off the bed.
‘Now, Miss Lala, look what you did. You made Mom cross. You shouldn’t wake up so early,’ Katie remonstrated with her dolly.
‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be cross.’ Briony dropped to her knees and wrapped her arms around her daughter. ‘Come on, let’s have breakfast outside. We don’t want Miss Lala to faint with hunger,’ she teased.
‘I love you, Mommy,’ Katie said good-naturedly, and Briony’s heart melted.
‘I love you too,’ she said, leading her out to the kitchen. Valerie’s bedroom door was closed and there was no sound from within. Wasn’t she lucky to be sleeping like a log, untroubled? Briony thought resentfully, exhausted after her restless night.
How was she going to explain to Katie that they were going home? If Katie was older she’d have flown home this evening, but the only flights to Dublin landed in the early hours and she wouldn’t keep her up that late. She would make a huge fuss of her today and let her spend her holiday money in the toyshop, and later, before bedtime, treat her to a sparkly fruity cocktail in the Trafalgar Bar. That was a special treat. Katie loved sitting on the little balcony overlooking the street, sipping her Kiwi Loco cocktail, decorated with the pink swirly umbrellas and sparklers. And Briony rather liked their Daiquiris. Valerie would not be invited to this evening out.
She needed to check out flights and fares after breakfast. She’d walk up to El Zoco around nine, take Briony toy shopping, check out her flights, have coffee in the Olive Tree, then spend the day on the beach with Katie, and go out for early dinner and cocktails. She wouldn’t have to spend any time with her mother and hopefully she’d be able to fly home the next day. And that would be that! Valerie could go to hell! Briony had lost all respect for her. All the love she’d felt for her mother seemed smothered, damped down. All she felt was hurt and anger, and a huge sadness. Valerie had deprived her of Tessa and Lorcan’s love, and her aunt and uncle’s. Lisa and Steven probably had children of their own now, cousins that she had no knowledge of, or contact with. Her memories of Rockland’s were ones of happiness, of being made to feel special, of being loved. She could have had that for all her life if Valerie hadn’t cut them out of their lives. She had lost so much.
As she got older, she’d learned not to question her mother about the past. Valerie clearly didn’t want to revisit it, and even at that young age she realized that it made her mother sad to talk about it. Briony felt it was up to her to make Valerie happy and so she kept a lot to herself so that her mother wouldn’t fret.
Those early days when they had moved to Dublin had been so strange and unsettling. She missed her daddy, her old house, her friends, and her grandparents. For the first weeks in the crèche she felt utterly bereft when her mother would lead her in, and then leave her with adults and children she didn’t know. When Valerie asked her if she had made friends and did she have fun playing, she would always say yes because she knew it pleased her mother. She remembered most the aching loss for her father that she had felt as a child. No one else in her class had lost a parent. Once, when she’d been eight or nine, her teacher had told the class to write a letter to their daddy for Father’s Day. ‘My daddy is dead,’ Briony had said.
‘You can write the letter and put it on his grave,’ the teacher had said kindly. Briony had written the letter but she had put it away carefully in the drawer in her desk in the bedroom. Her mom didn’t like to talk about graves. There was no point in even asking to put her letter on it, she’d thought stoically. She still had it. She could never bring herself to throw it out. Perhaps now was finally the time to go to Rockland’s and make her peace with the past.
Tears smarted her eyes as she poured Coco Pops into a dish for Katie, and popped two croissants into the microwave. Briony cried for the lonely little girl she had once been until she had found her feet and made friends. Gradually she had settled down and the memories of Rockland’s had faded. And because, over the years, for the most part, her life was full and happy and she had plenty of friends and a loving grandmother who came laden down with treats every weekend, Briony too relegated the past to the furthest reaches of her mind. It was never an issue between her and her mother until now.
Why? Why? Why? What had happened between Valerie and her father’s family to make her sever all ties?
What difference did it make now anyway? She wasn’t interested in hearing her mother’s explanation. It was too late. How she wished she hadn’t found that letter. It was true, ignorance was bliss. She made herself a mug of tea, placed the croissants and cereal on a tray and carried them outside to the patio where Katie had her dolls perched on the table.
This should have been so perfect. Such an opportunity to relax and recharge her batteries and enjoy her time with her mother. Briony could hardly eat the croissant she felt so angry with Valerie, and queasy to boot. Not even the lemon blush of the early morning sun on the sea could calm her troubled spirit. She sat, tense and irritable, hoping that her mother wouldn’t appear until after she had gone up to the town. But there was silence from inside and an hour and a half later she and Katie set off on their jaunt, with no appearance from Valerie, much to Briony’s relief.
Valerie woke from a deep sleep and lay immobile for a few moments in that perfect state of waking when all is well until the realization hits that something has changed. A memory of that first morning after Jeff’s death surfaced, of waking up, feeling normal, and then the sudden shock of comprehension that everything had changed utterly.
Now she remembered that Briony had found Tessa’s letter. Now she remembered how she hadn’t gone to sleep until dawn’s kiss had caressed the eastern sky. Suddenly alert, she sat up, straining
to hear Katie’s merry chirruping, but there was nothing, only stillness and silence. Fear struck. Surely Briony wasn’t gone?
Valerie threw back the sheet, jumped out of bed and hurried out of her room. She felt almost limp with relief when she saw Katie’s teddy on her bed. But then she remembered Briony’s declaration that she was going to get a flight home. That was probably where she’d gone: to book a flight in one of the internet cafés. Valerie had slept so late and so soundly after her restless night, she hadn’t heard a sound. She went back into her bedroom to open the shutters, heavy-hearted. Her mobile rang and she almost jumped out of her skin. Valerie saw Lizzie’s number flashing up.
‘Hi,’ she said dispiritedly, gazing out at a profusion of pink, violet and scarlet blossoms.
‘What’s up?’ Lizzie said crisply. ‘I rang to see how things were going.’
‘I think Briony’s gone to book a flight home.’ Valerie burst into tears.
‘Oh dear,’ Lizzie groaned. ‘Like mother like daughter. She’s so like you sometimes.’
‘What am I going to do?’
‘Stop bawling. That won’t help.’
‘That’s easy for you to say,’ sniffed Valerie crossly. ‘Try and be a bit sympathetic.’
‘I am, but, honey, this day was bound to come. You’ve always known it might,’ Lizzie sighed.
‘Why? Lizzie, why do I have to go through all of this again? It’s unbearable,’ Valerie protested. ‘I hardly slept a wink last night remembering it all. God, it was so real. It was like I was living it all again – all that pain and shock and sorrow.’
‘Sometimes, if we have issues to resolve and we haven’t faced them, we have to deal with them. It’s a last clearing for you before you can move on,’ Lizzie said patiently.
‘But I have moved on, for crying out loud. That all happened so long ago.’
‘Eh . . . noooo! You ran away to Dublin, and didn’t go back. You weren’t honest with Briony and that has to be attended to. Life has a funny old way of catching up with us.’
‘Why do you think like that? How can you say those things with such authority, Lizzie?’ Valerie said irritably.
‘You know why. Because that’s what life has taught me. When I lost my babies I had to go deep inside and search for answers. I had to face my pain and grief and bitterness and anger. I didn’t run away from it for as long as you did, although I did run away and hit the bottle for a while. You know that. You got me through it. I’m not saying this to be in any way judgemental or unkind – you know that too. And I did seek and I asked for help and it was given to me. Now you’re being taught – in a difficult way too, I’ll admit – that issues can’t be buried deep, that issues will always come calling to be resolved. But the great thing is, we don’t have to do it alone, Valerie.’
‘But I don’t want to revisit the past, Lizzie,’ Valerie groaned.
‘Well, unfortunately sometimes we have to do that to let it go. Do you think it was a coincidence that Briony discovered Tessa’s letter on Jeff’s anniversary?’
‘Well, yes, that was a bit strange, to say the least,’ she conceded.
‘Not strange in the slightest. And not a coincidence either. Rather a synchronicity, deah, as our lovely Mrs M would have said.’
‘What the hell are you wittering on about, Lizzie?’ Valerie said, exasperated.
Lizzie laughed. ‘Think outside the box, Valerie. Who would want to see Briony and Tessa and even yourself and Tessa reconciled?’
‘Lorcan? But sure, how could he have planned it or organized it? I haven’t seen him in years.’
‘Not Lorcan. Close, though.’
‘Lisa?’
‘Outside the box, Valerie,’ prompted her friend.
Comprehension dawned. ‘Jeff! You’re saying Jeff planned it?’
‘Haven’t I always told you he’s still around you? Haven’t I told you about The Mothers and The Fathers who are always guiding us and wanting the best for us?’
‘You’re saying Dad is involved too!’ Valerie exclaimed derisively. ’Now I know you’re mad.’
‘Of course he is.’ Lizzie was unperturbed. ‘He wants the best for you and Briony. Now that he’s passed beyond the veil he knows what life is all about and why we’re here. He’s remembered who he is and where he came from. So now his love for you is unconditional and he would love it if you could make your peace with him too. All of this is happening for a reason, Valerie. It’s for healing. You must make your peace with the past if you want peace of mind and contentment,’ Lizzie said gently. ‘It really is time to let go of the old hurts and sorrows. You don’t need them any more. They’re only holding you back. It’s toxic energy – get rid of it.’
‘Are you saying I should get in touch with Tessa?’ she squawked, incredulous.
‘Briony will be, I should imagine. Do you really want to live the rest of your life with all that baggage, and go to your grave bitter and twisted?’
‘Oh, for God’s sake, I’m not bitter and twisted, Lizzie,’ she said defensively.
‘Is that right?’ said Lizzie drily.
‘I’m not.’
‘I’m just asking, do you still want to carry all that stuff, Valerie?’ Lizzie said airily. ‘Now I have to be off, I’ve got to bring Lady Gaga to school today, because it’s pissing out of the heavens over here, unlike the Costa del Sol. I’ll phone tonight.’
Valerie laughed in spite of herself. ‘And how is the darling girl?’
‘Stomping around upstairs in a huff because, and I quote, “Like, no one in this house understands me. You’re, like, ruining my life!” American TV has so much to answer for. Every second word is “like”, and don’t get me going about “lol”. It makes my teeth grit.’
‘I don’t get that one either. It’s a bit daft,’ Valerie agreed. ‘And why’s her life being ruined? Thank God all that’s behind me.’
‘Because she wants an iPhone and she’s not getting one. She has a perfectly adequate BlackBerry. For crying out loud, I have a Nokia that came out of the Ark. Lol,’ Lizzie snorted.
‘It was far from iPhones and BlackBerries we were reared,’ Valerie remarked.
‘OMG! Valerie, how could you? That’s the kind of thing our mothers used to say. We’ve officially turned into our mothers,’ Lizzie exclaimed aghast. ‘Soz! I’m, like, just not having it. I am not my mother. Lol.’
‘Soz? What’s that?’
‘It means sorry. Don’t you, like, know any cool lingo? Better go, hon. Love ya. Let me know what’s happening.’
‘I will. Bye, Lizzie. Thanks for ringing. You’re such a pal, even if you did say I was bitter and twisted.’
‘No probs! Think about what I said and if anything resonates go with it. In the end we all have to find what best works for us.’
‘Yeah, OK,’ Valerie agreed unenthusiastically.
‘Trust me on this one. It’s all happening for a reason, and I know that will drive you mad – it used to drive me mad when I was going through the hard stuff and my counsellor would say it – but I’m telling you, now you think it’s one of the worst things that’s ever happened to you, but you will look back on this and see it’s just the opposite,’ Lizzie said firmly. ‘Talk soon.’
Was Lizzie right? How could this possibly be a good thing for any of them? Could it be even remotely true, that Jeff was making all this stuff happen, Valerie pondered, straightening the bedclothes and fluffing the pillows. But to think that her father would want to be close to her took a bit of getting used to. A sudden memory of finding the envelope in her bag with three hundred pounds in it and her name written neatly in Terence’s looping script popped into her head. Judas money, she had called it at the time, but she had kept it as a little nest egg in the Post Office in case she ever needed it. And the strange thing was, she never had. Even though things had been tight, financially, she had never wanted for money. She had always managed. Lorcan had given Carmel a letter with the cheque from the insurance company and another cheque with his
savings from the Credit Union and she had put that money aside for Briony’s education. He had said in his letter that whenever she felt ready to come back to them there would always be a welcome and much love for her and Briony, and he hoped that day would come soon.
Valerie sighed. Poor Lorcan, she had always felt bad for him about what she had done, but she had never forgiven Tessa. They were elderly now, Tessa and Lorcan. In their seventies. It was hard to believe. Was Lizzie right? Should she make some effort to see them now that Briony had discovered the letter? Would the door be slammed in her face? It would not surprise her if it was. There was too much anger and bitterness between them. Sometimes forgiveness wasn’t possible, she told herself. Some things could never be resolved.
Out of the corner of her eye she saw a flickering movement. She turned her head just as two white butterflies dipped and danced in exuberant flight in front of her. How strange! Lizzie was always telling her to look for signs and she would get them. Could it be a sign from Jeff? From her dad?
No, this was mad stuff. It might be Lizzie’s way of thinking but it wasn’t hers, Valerie decided. Anything could be a sign if you wanted it to be. A butterfly was a butterfly and nothing else. And then she remembered that first day in the house in Dublin all those years ago when she and Briony had gone to post the letter to Lorcan, and a white butterfly had danced ahead of them and she had felt sure that Jeff was with them.
CHAPTER FORTY
‘Have you booked a flight home yet?’ Lizzie’s voice floated down the airways, clear as a bell.
‘I’m going to as soon as Katie’s spent her pocket money. She’s on a spending spree that would put the Arab sheiks to shame,’ Briony said, surprised. ‘How did you know I was going to? I suppose Mother went running to you,’ she added sarcastically.