The Hollowed Tree

by R. K. Johnstone

  "Non-consensual assault?" the Matron said incredulously. "They can't arrest them on those charges!"

  "Just so," the Warden nodded.

  "We will not lock them up then!" the Matron exclaimed indignantly. "We're not in the practice of locking up innocent young boars. We have enough real criminals to deal with without that!"

  "We may not have that option," Grits said. "The Seventh has a contradictory ruling which Honorashious T. Hardwood is bound to claim takes precedence over our local law."

  "Preposterous!"

  "At any rate, we will leave that to the litigants to dispute," Grits continued. "When the Seventh arrives here, we will yield to their authority. We will incarcerate these youths."

  "What?" Madame DeKooncey was incredulous.

  "Yes," the Warden said with patronizing calm. "Yes, we will incarcerate the youths. But we will add some incentive to the ensuing litigation as well. We will also arrest certain members of their own party!"

  Madame DeKooncey returned the gaze of cunning which Grits Hamby directed down his closely held snout with one of blankness. She had absorbed this bit of intelligence with a not unprejudiced mind. She could detect in it at once the Byzantine political designs of the Magistrate clearly at work. She finished processing this information and regarded Grits with distrust.

  "And on what basis am I to lock up the party of the Seventh Juridical?" she said suspiciously.

  Stepping forward with a smart click of his hooves, Captain Campbell spoke up:

  "Weapons charges, ma’am. Every one of them was armed."

  "Feather swords," the Warden added.

  "Surely the Seventh is authorized?" the Matron said.

  "Hah! Surely the Seventh," said Grits. "Percy Theodilious--"

  "Percy Theodilious?" Madame DeKooncey cried with shock. "You don't mean that Percy Theodilious is a member of this party?"

  "Percy Theodilious is with them," the Warden confirmed with a nod of the head. "Percy Theodilious and the Seventh are, of course, untouchable. With the bear and the others, however, the case is altogether different!" Grits snickered maliciously and turned to Captain Campbell, who spoke up as if on queue:

  "We have signed warrants for the arrest of one Boston Beverly Excalibur Bear III, Egbert Ashley Acorn Squirrel, as well as others as yet unnamed but known to accompany the party, for the unauthorized carrying of feather swords, plainly displayed in public, in violation of Hawg City public city ordinance five three seven zero, prohibiting the carrying of unauthorized weaponry."

  "Indeed," Madame DeKooncey said somberly. "But certainly they will claim the protection of Perceival Theodilious?"

  "Most likely," agreed the Warden. "But we count on the strict and litigious disposition of the Seventh to support us in the face of a written and signed warrant for the arrest of these hangers on!"

  "But they will be let go in the end," the Matron said.

  "Perhaps. But then--" the Warden said with arch significance, "--that's not the point."

  These new facts deeply disturbed the Matron. The proposed course of action could have consequences of the most serious sort for her personally. The Magistrate intended to go head to head, not only with the Seventh, but with Percy Theodilious, a proposition far more dangerous. Her position was clear, however; she had no choice but to fulfill the obligations of her office.

  At that moment the clerical worker with the spectacles on his snout thrust his head in the door and announced tersely:

  "Perceival Theodilious and the Seventh Juridical, approaching by the Avenue!"

  "So, they come!" Grits said with a smile of malevolence. "Be ready my sweet. Let us go down to meet them!"

  25. The Arrival of the Seventh Juridical and Percy Theodilious

  Outside the prison complex the overflow had turned the Avenue into a putrid morass. The ditch on the side closest to the prison took an extremely heavy runoff from the complex itself. All manner of warthog waste, cleaning fluids, noxious chemical compounds too numerous to cite from the production facilities where many of the prisoners worked--multi-colored, fetid waste of every description flowed in uncovered channels from the complex and into the ditch where it merged with the noxious runoff from sections closer to the center of the city. Due to the overflow condition, the putrid effluent had backed up inside the great multi-level burrow to a depth--as was dramatically demonstrated in the previous chapter--sufficient to reach the level of the hocks on a good sized warthog.

  The pedestrian crowd here, consisting largely of inhabitants from the seedy surrounding area, exhibited all of the characteristics of that group commonly described as "rabble". Seemingly oblivious, they trod through this noxious mixture without the slightest hesitation. These knew well enough not to expect relief from the Routers anytime soon in their section of the city. It will be remembered that the area around the prison complex was heavily populated with individuals who earned their living by plying that very trade, and no one knew better where an overflow in their neighborhood would fall on the city's list of priorities.

  Inside the complex the effluent had backed up throughout the ground floor, spreading down the corridors and through the gratings into the cells themselves, where the prisoners either stood and waited stoically for the flood to subside or contrived to perch on the rare piece of undersized, rickety furniture with which some of the cells were furnished. These last were indeed the exception rather than the rule in the prison. Most cells contained little more than a bale of savannah grass in which the inhabitants made their beds on the ground. This bedding, of course, was ruined completely by the overflow, only adding to the general misery of their condition.

  The complex was divided into two unequal parts. One, by far the smaller of the two, was the Hawg City Jail. This structure occupied a small, more or less square area and formed, essentially, one corner of a much larger square made up by the complex as a whole. The jail consisted of a two-level burrow, containing in its interior many rows of barred cells. Warthogs awaiting trial filled the cells to capacity at all times. The second part of the complex and remainder of the square, the prison, consisted of a mound so immense as to defy all comparisons. Four stories in height and surrounded by a thick wall, it occupied an entire section of Hawg City. In its stark interior fully one third of the city's population was stacked in row after row of mostly windowless, dismal cells arranged along narrow corridors. A small area in the front of the prison housed the administrative offices of the Matron and staff. The two parts of the complex, jail and prison, were connected by means of a covered walkway, which passed through a gate in the wall. Access to the complex was normally obtained via the jail, which fronted on the Avenue.

  Now, of course, this Avenue lay beneath one foot of overflow. Submerged to their hocks--or, as the case may be, chins--in the effluent stood the entourage of Perceival Theodilious Reinsgold the Eighth and the Seventh Juridical. Like clotting blood the passing traffic--as heavy as ever in spite of the conditions--had congealed around the group, forming a solid and unmoving mass of snorting, grunting warthog flesh. Those relatively few who desired to pass by were forced to submerge to their very eyeballs in the ditches bordering the Avenue and with wallowing movements make their way slowly around the crowd.

  The bear, standing erect and wearing an expression of immense disgust and anxiety, had come to the forefront of the group. The putrid effluent rose to his hocks and also plastered the fur on his forelegs to the elbows. Behind him, rising just above the surface, Jupe's snout and two beady eyes were all that remained visible of the armadillo. Upon his back stood a painfully enduring Egbert, submerged to the waist. The Sergeant Major on the back of a similarly situated Agamemnon had several times of necessity become totally submerged in the putrid liquid. Now he fluttered and shook his bedraggled feathers with a violence matched only by the expression of irascibility upon his face.

  The three prisoners seemed unaffected by these conditions. Bartruff and the nervous Squeegie wore expressions which were no gloomier than before,
and Slag, if anything, expressed in his grin a degree of smugness which was even greater.

  Now a group of constabulary officers emerged from the jail and confronted the waiting party. An officious looking Lieutenant moved to the fore, saying with condescending authority:

  "Gents, the first thing you're gonna have to do for me is remove those weapons."

  "Haarumph!" grunted a voice, descending from above.

  Turning and looking up, the Lieutenant viewed a heretofore unnoticed great horned owl perched comfortably upon the overhang of the stoop. As the Lieutenant watched, the owl lifted each of his massive claws in turn and with great deliberation gave it a vigorous shake.

  "Haarumph!" the bird grunted again and scowled fiercely. "Lieutenant--haarumph--the Seventh Juridical, Perceival Theodilious and his retinue, retain such authorization--haarumph--as is required to carry weaponry--haarumph! I recommend most strongly that you set aside such inapplicable, local ordinances and begin immediately the business of--haarumph--filing the proper forms, and performing such other clerical work--haarumph--as is required, to incarcerate these boars on charges of assault! Haarumph!" The bird shifted his great wings on his back. "Take these criminals into custody," he said with peremptory scorn, "if you please! Haarumph!"

  The Lieutenant, taken aback at the authoritative and scornful tone of the bird, and not a little impressed with the importance of this party, wavered uncertainly.

  At that moment a voice called out from behind:

  "I'll handle this, Lieutenant."

  Captain Campbell shouldered his way to the front of the clustered constabulary officers and addressed the group with bureaucratic aplomb:

  "Everybody inside for processing. You hogs break it up. Move on."

  Thus addressed, the warthogs massed in the Avenue made no perceptible adjustments whatsoever to their physical attitudes that would indicate any intention to comply with this order. Several emitted disrespectful grunts or laughed scornfully at the sarcastic remarks muttered by their neighbors at the Captain's expense.

  "Now wait just a minute, Captain," Boston said with irritation, raising a single, pointing claw for emphasis. "Before you go giving too many additional orders, I would recommend that you notify the Warden--or whosomever it is in charge here--that the Seventh Juridical, and Percy Theodilious are awaiting them."

  Captain Campbell regarded the bear with impassive unconcern. It seemed likely that this Officer would have ignored the bear altogether if other developments had not intervened. In any case, before he could respond a feminine voice spoke up from behind:

  "That will be unnecessary, my good bear."

  The cluster of constabulary parted respectfully, and Madame DeKooncey stepped gracefully to the fore.

  "News of your approach has traveled far in advance of your arrival. If not for the deplorable, embarrassing conditions in which you now find us--" Madame DeKooncey settled on her haunches and raised her forelegs expressively to the sides in a gesture suggestive of hopeless dilemma--"we would have greeted you with all of the protocol and hospitality which you so richly deserve."

  "Ma'am," the bear said respectfully, "I am certain that you warthogs would have showed us protocol like we have never seen before, and we hope someday to arrange a properly announced visit by Perceival Theodilious Reinsgold the Eighth, where you can show some of it off. Right now, though, we are on urgent business. We have these prisoners in custody, which the judge has remanded over to Hawg City court. What we need to do now is hand them over and get started with hearings, or whatever is required of us as victims and witnesses to a crime."

  "Haarumph! Yes, yes, Boston, the court certainly entertains these, as well as other, concerns," Honorashious grunted with patronizing severity and fluttered from his perch, landing heavily upon Agamemnon's back. "Haarumph! The good bear's conscientious concerns notwithstanding--haarumph--haarumph--however," the owl proceeded pompously, "no one recognizes better than the Seventh Juridical--haarumph--the limits of the tampering to which due process can be subjected, in the name of expediency--haarumph--haarumph--and still produce from that process the most important end result of--haarumph--justice--haarumph!" Now the owl faced the Matron and with diplomatic charm addressed her personally: "Let us enter, Madame DeKooncey--haarumph--haarumph. We shall take such steps as are necessary and appropriate to expedite the resolution of this case--at a later time--haarumph. First things first."

  The constabulary officers moved out of the way, and the Matron stepped aside, offering an open pathway to our party. In strict accordance with the rules of protocol, Percy Theodilious, his nose wrinkled at the unpleasant odors of the overflow, occupied the position of honor on entry to the establishment. He was preceded by Egbert upon the back of Jupe and followed by the bear. Last of all came the prisoners in the custody of an outraged and bedraggled Sergeant Major, who muttered furious curses under his breath and glared fiercely at the constables as he passed. Honorashious sat behind the sparrow, impassive and stern.

  After the party had entered the institution the clot of warthogs on the Avenue slowly broke up, and the traffic began once again to flow.

  26. The Magistrate's Intrigue is Launched--The Incarceration

  Inside the jail, the group came to a halt in the vestibule and stood before the precinct clerks whose job it was to process into the jail apprehended suspects. These clerks were constabularies themselves. They perched behind an imposing counter which rose high above those who stood before and below them. Our band stood submerged in the putrid muck and looked about them in amazement at the curious and appalling conditions of the institution.

  Percy moved to the side and somewhat behind the group, to maintain an appropriately detached and supervisory attitude of unstated authority over the proceedings. The Sergeant Major brought up the criminals. Jupe, upon whose back he stood, had only his nose and the top of his snout and eyes above the overflow. The armadillos of necessity had to keep their mouths clamped tightly shut in order to avoid swallowing some of the vile stuff. The resultant restricting to their snouts of all of their breathing caused these members to assume the swishing aspect of noisy bellows.

  "Phew," gasped the Sergeant Major. "I caint stand much more of this!" Though the olfactory nerves of the animals had long ago become somewhat numbed by the overpowering stench common to Hawg City in general, the noxious vapors from this overflow now had become so strong and overpowering in the enclosed vestibule of the jail that the group experienced a sudden and sharp revival of this sense. "This is worse 'en breathin all thet warthog dust!"

  "Sergeant Major!" Honorashious barked. "You will maintain your bearing, please! You are well acquainted--haarumph--with the conditions endemic to Hawg City, and your current lack of demeanor--haarumph--is most unbecoming in an officer of the court! Haarumph--haarumph!"

  "Aye Jedge," mumbled the chastened sparrow, but he continued to express an unrepentant and belligerent attitude in his general mien, nevertheless.

  "Haarumph--bailiff! Proceed, please!"

  The great owl hopped from the back of Agamemnon and sloshed awkwardly over to stand beside the lion.

  One of the warthogs behind the counter reviewed the warrant, prepared earlier by the Sergeant Major, and wrinkled his brow.

  "Assault?" he looked with puzzlement at Madame DeKooncey, who stood off to the side of the group a bit. The Matron nodded her head slightly.

  "Ye can read caint tche?" the Sergeant Major growled.

  "Non-consensual, I assume?" the warthog said doubtfully.

  "Haarumph! Must we stumble and fumble once again through this painful and mind-numbing process, Madame?" the owl bristled and dug his claws with such strength into Agamemnon's back that the armadillo flinched. "The issue of the unauthorized legislation of Hawg City is well known to us all--haarumph--from previous rulings to the contrary by the Seventh Juridical. Get on with the business at hand!"

  "The warrant was issued by a higher court, Bailiff," Madame DeKooncey spoke up in diplomatic tones, "and it i
s, therefore, indeed valid. Technically, we have no choice but to lock up these young boars. In consideration of their youth, however--not to mention the high probability of their innocence of having committed any discernable crime whatsoever--ensure that they are placed apart from the most hard core criminals, as well as out of the ground floor overflow."

  "Innocent!" sputtered the Sergeant Major. "These here are criminals! Give 'em some 'o thet Modifier 's more what the likes of them deserve!"

  "Haarumph! To be sure, Sergeant Major, to be sure," Honorashious grunted tolerantly. "That, however, is quite enough. You will remain silent for the remainder of these proceedings--haarumph!" The great horned owl turned a look of cold disdain upon the Matron. "Madame," he said gravely, "these matters of guilt and innocence--haarumph--are not the business of mere managers and clerks of penal institutions! Indeed, it is inappropriate to discuss such matters while conducting the current proceedings--haarumph! These boars have been legally and properly charged, their youth duly noted. Now--do your duty! Haarumph!"

  "Go ahead," the Matron nodded at the clerk, who rolled his eyes in an expression of long suffering disgust and turned his attention to the paperwork.

  Addressing the owl, Madame DeKooncey said with sarcasm: "The 'mere' Matron is only doing what she believes is right. It does not require any ruling from a court, the Seventh Juridical or any other, to determine that."

  The owl huffed indignantly at this rejoinder, but chose to maintain a dignified silence.

  Some moments later with the finality of three thuds of the official Hawg City stamp on the counter, the warrants were sealed and the business concluded. The criminals were led away.

  "Well," said Percy, speaking for the first time since they had entered the jail. "Let's get on with it. Now we have to find the Magistrate."

  "Just a minute, Bailiff." Captain Campbell stepped forth smartly through the slop and waded up to the counter. "We have more," he said and presented a sheaf of papers to the clerk. "Violations of city ordinance five three seven zero, prohibiting the carrying of weapons, have occurred. The Seventh Juridical and official Officers of such, and, of course--we needn't mention it--Perceival Theodilious Reinsgold the Eighth, are exempt from said ordinance, for reasons obvious to everyone and further delineated, in detail, in the Hawg City register. Violations have occurred, however; I have warrants for the arrest of the bear, the squirrel, and the armadillos." Captain Campbell turned and swept the party standing at his back with a supercilious glance. "Bailiff, process these various animals for incarceration." Then, with a commanding nod of the head, he barked sharply at the numerous officers lounging about the vestibule: "Guards! Take custody of the prisoners!"