The Hollowed Tree

by R. K. Johnstone

  The appearance on this scene of our entourage initiated a reaction that rippled from one end of the pavilion to the other. Many of the boars and sows stopped in their tracks and turned to stare, their great heads in silhouette against a background of failing sunlight at day's end, pausing in their discussions to examine the stately progress of the party down the main boulevard. The important daily business of the affairs of state was concluding, and many of these hogs were impatient to get on their way to the wallow or home.

  The entourage proceeded at a painfully slow pace, set by the owl who, deprived of his mount, hobbled along awkwardly.

  "A walking owl! How absurd," Percy growled irritably. "Under the present circumstances this fastidious attention to the niceties of protocol defies all reason, Owl."

  "Haarumph!" grunted the owl between huffs of physical exertion. "A close adherence to the--huff--huff--dictates of protocol--haarumph--my good Percy--haarumph--will pay us--huff--huff--haarumph!--dividends." Though desirous of greater elaboration upon this subject, the owl was so out of breath from these exertions that he was prevented from making further comment.

  They proceeded along the tree-lined boulevard which bordered the grassy pavilion (for, in contrast to the rest of the city, here in its center vegetation was much in evidence) past the Hawg City Department of Attack, the Bureau of Taxes, the Court Mound. At the end of the pavilion, looming dark and featureless before them, the Hawg City Waterworks rose against a backdrop of glaring sky. In the waning light its lengthening shadow lay stretched halfway across the rectangular pavilion in exaggerated and plastic caricature.

  Past the Waterworks and behind it, they came at last to the offices of the Magistrate. Here the entourage halted. With a bevy of satisfied grunts and snorts the guards promptly lay down in a bordering grassy area and made themselves comfortable.

  "Magistrate's offices," the lead guard said, nodding at the impressive burrow in front of which they had stopped. "He may not be in, though," he said doubtfully. "It's pretty late."

  "See here now!" Percy roared with dissatisfaction.

  "Haarumph!"

  "Just what are you warthogs trying to pull?" Percy said. The authority of the king had come into the lion's voice now, and there was an ugly, menacing tone to it as he addressed the lead boar: "We will see the Magistrate now. If he's not here, you will lead us to his home!"

  "Haarumph!" Honorashious grunted. He was still somewhat out of breath, yet so agitated had he become at this unwelcome news that he lifted his claws one at a time, gave them each a vigorous shake, and protested stridently: "Haarumph! Most unsatisfactory! Haarumph! We must see the--huff--huff--Magistrate immediately! Haarumph!"

  "Okay, okay," the guard soothed hastily. "No problem, no problem. If he isn't here, we know where to look for him."

  At this news a snicker rose from their escort, who were lounging in various attitudes of repose.

  The lion frowned as the lead hog hurried into the burrow and, finding it closed for the day, save for a lone after hours attendant, he returned to the party. Trotting with solicitous haste down the shallow steps, he said with placating assurance:

  "Okay, okay. We'll go to the Bower of Bliss. He'll be there for sure."

  Reluctantly, the lounging hogs rose to their hooves, and the group moved on now past the offices of the Magistrate and, turning a corner, arrived on a path bordered on both sides by the most exclusive and the most luxurious hog wallows to be found anywhere in Hawg City. Warthogs, weary and subdued after a long, hard day of dealing with the important business of state, could be seen entering and leaving these establishments in large numbers. Before the most exclusive of these wallows our group halted. The head guard turned to his charges.

  "Wait out here. I'll go in and prep 'em up."

  "Haarumph!" the owl grunted with displeasure. No one voiced any objections, however, and the boar went with a respectful tread up the stairs and entered the wallow.

  The Sergeant Major, who had been comfortably perched upon the back of one of the escorts whose appearance was distinguished by several prominent scars across the snout, jumped to the ground and gave his disheveled feathers an ineffectual shake. A small cloud of yellow dust rose into the air. Here in the city's center the rarefied, dusty yellow smog barely stained the atmosphere at all. The bird sneezed violently.

  "Figures," he said ironically. "Air's better here'n anywhere else. You can bet some of the muckity muckity mucks are nearby!"

  "Haarumph!" the owl grunted with interest. "While--haarumph--your facts would seem true enough, Sergeant Major, the contingency of those facts, I would maintain, are in--haarumph----question--haarumph--haarumph--and even specious! Haarumph! I have observed in the past that these warthogs seem not so greatly displeased with their conditions--haarumph--haarumph--indeed, they seem to prefer them! Haarumph!"

  "Don't know no better," the sparrow rejoined with matter of fact certainty.

  "Haarumph!"

  The owl would certainly have had the last word in this interchange, if at this moment a great sow had not exited the wallow, preceded by the lead hog of their escort, diverting his attention.

  "Perceival Theodilious the Eighth," this sow intoned mellifluously as she floated down the stairs with smiling and gracious aplomb. Arriving at their foot she halted before the assembled party, bowed her snout down almost to the ground in a tasteful show of respect, and then raised it again and encompassed them all in a look of arrogant smugness. "The Magistrate is most disappointed, but he is indisposed at present to greet you in person, and he sends his deepest regrets. He is completely submerged in the wallow. Rather than impose upon you to wait while he exits the mud, he has sent me, his emissary, to escort you into his presence."

  The owl and the lion exchanged wry glances on hearing this diplomatic faux pas uttered with such shameless audacity.

  "We could hardly expect the Magistrate to interrupt his wallow," Percy said with sarcasm. "Nevertheless, very well--lead us to him. We will see the Magistrate in the wallow."

  "Haarumph!" grunted Honorashious. "An unprecedented departure from--haarumph--protocol, Madame! Harrumph! The Magistrate could well be taken to task severely for such an unpardonable deficiency in conducting matters of state of the greatest--haarumph--import to the city and the jungle! Haarumph! We must always--" and the owl eyed self-righteously his dusty, broken claws, "--adhere strictly to the forms of protocol--haarumph--in matters of state! Haarumph! Great moments of history have pivoted on such banalities more than we shall ever know! Haarumph!"

  Thus rebuked, the emissary swelled and looked down her snout at the owl.

  "It is most unfortunate," she said with a studied, formal arrogance, "that you mistake the Magistrate's deep concern for your welfare as an act of disrespect. I can only hope that Perceival Theodilious does not share your opinion." The emissary turned to the lion. "If so, please accept my humblest apologies, and direct your displeasure toward the inadequacies of my person rather than any misperceived deficiency in the Magistrate."

  At this bombast Percy rolled his eyes in his head, and Honorashious could not repress a chuckle of amazement as he rejoined:

  "Madame--haarumph--though it would be next to impossible to ever imagine that we should doubt your humility--haarumph--I would draw your attention to an old, yet most certainly very famous, ruling of the Seventh on the proper and designated usage of protocol--haarumph--seldom invoked, perhaps, but apropos to our current proceedings, and a ruling with which I am certain that you, and the Magistrate, are thoroughly familiar--haarumph!"

  "As you say," the Magistrate's emissary responded with an air of irony by which she managed to convey at once her unwillingness to concede the owl's point as well as her decided opinion of the trivialness of the entire matter, and so effectively closed the conversation.

  Leaving the escort and the Sergeant Major outside on the path, the three of them ascended the shallow stairs and entered the wallow.

  30. The Bower of Bliss

  Insid
e the Bower of Bliss the Magistrate's emissary led the way through a luxurious lobby, passing by the respectful security guards without so much as a nod of the head, and proceeded on through a pair of heavy doors leading directly outside to the wallow.

  "I don't suppose that you would like to wallow yourself," she said turning to them as they came outside. "If so, you are more than welcome. We have a well appointed locker room. Also, whatever refreshments you might like are available as well."

  Percy and Honorashious stepped outside and took in the view. Stretched out before them the wallow covered no more than a half of an acre, yet the exclusivity of the Bower of Bliss was such that no greater area was required, and the ten or so hogs wallowing in the mud were uncrowded. The entire area was bathed in a yellow-green glow from a multitude of phosphorous lamps. Uniformed attendants were plentiful, solicitously catering to the wallowers' every need. The mud was of the finest consistency imaginable, a trait which was highly valued for the quality of the resultant hermetic seal against the tough hide of the warthog, and flawless in the homogeneity of its composition. The attendants closely monitored these properties for any inconsistencies and took immediate steps to remove the slightest of imperfections.

  "Haarumph!" Honorashious grunted, impressed by the lavishness of the accouterments.

  Two grizzled boars lay in the mud nearby, their snouts floating comfortably on the surface, lids half-closed over drowsy eyes. Each was attended by a solicitous young sow, who massaged her hog's back with delicate fore hooves. These two had raised their snouts in unison as the owl and the lion entered the wallow.

  "Perceival Theodilious," called one of the boars, much the greater in size of the two, to the new arrivals. "Have some refreshment, then join us by the wallow's side. Please!"

  A spotless and well groomed attendant appeared at their side asking their pleasure.

  "I could drink about a trough full of water right now," Percy growled. It had been a long, hard day, and suddenly, he realized that it had been quite some time since he had taken either food or drink. "And about an antelope or two as well," he added wistfully.

  The young attendant smiled tolerantly and led the pair over to the bar. Here a couple of warthogs lay flat on their stomachs on the ground before a great trough scooped out of the floor. Their heads were half submerged in water of the most pristine, translucent quality, which they gulped and slurped greedily with much noise. As these two drank, attendants washed the mud from their backs in order to prevent its drying. Percy lay down comfortably beside them and began to drink.

  The owl, meanwhile, excluded as a matter of physics from any natural approach to this trough, was entertaining various odd postures by which he might gracefully take a drink, when the attendant showed him to a bowl of water on a raised pedestal.

  "Haarumph!" the owl grunted with appreciative admiration and hobbled over to the pedestal. "Most impressive! Haarumph!"

  "We get all kinds," the attendant said by way of explanation.

  The Magistrate's emissary stood nearby, and when they had satisfied their thirst, she showed them the way to an arrangement beside the wallow. Here a substantial, elevated perch had been brought out for the owl, who obligingly hopped upon it, shook his wings and settled in with a satisfied grunt. Beside him on a raised platter, the attendants had placed an elegant arrangement of foods, which included as entree a brace of fat, Norwegian rats. These the owl took promptly in his great beak and began to eat with the greatest of pleasure, emitting as he was able grunts which expressed his exceeding approval. For Percy they spread conveniently upon the ground a succulent side of antelope; the lion fell to the task of effecting its disposal with a seriousness of purpose no less than if he were about to engage in some mortal combat. As the animals ate, their solicitous attendants hovered nearby, under the watchful eye of the sow emissary.

  Meanwhile, the two grizzled boars and their attendants had wallowed by means of imperceptible paddling movements over to the side until now they were positioned only a couple of yards from the dining guests.

  "You find these cuts of antelope to your liking, Perceival Theodilious?" the Magistrate said. "The Bower of Bliss goes to great lengths to accommodate any and all of the various species which we might be called upon to entertain in the name of diplomacy."

  Not wishing to interrupt his eating, the lion merely eyed the Magistrate and growled his assenting approval.

  "I must apologize for our deficient protocol," the Magistrate continued regretfully." We missed the announcement of your visit. Without proper notification, you understand, most unfortunate circumstances may arise."

  "Haarumph!" Honorashious grunted contentiously, chopping his beak with great satisfaction over the last tasty bites of the Norwegian rats, which had made their way to his stomach with barely a pause for mastication.

  "I sent over a special injunction to Madame DeKooncey for the special care of your boys," said the second warthog, who on closer inspection could be identified as Horace, the Hawg City District Attorney. "It may be tough to shake them loose though. These are some serious charges."

  "Haarumph! Precisely--" the owl said with a few final chops of his beak, "--precisely the reaction which I would expect from a Hawg City barrister! Haarumph!"

  Horace chuckled tolerantly. "Kind of like the pot calling the kettle black, isn't it, Judge? The Seventh has more litigation behind it than any other jurisdiction in the jungle." He narrowed his eyes with low cunning. "But I thought you'd retired. What brings you back out of the woodwork?"

  "Haarumph! There is a significant difference, my good Horace," the owl said, ignoring this reference to his retirement. He eyed the warthog with wry severity. "As you well know!"

  "Litigation 's litigation," Horace said carelessly and yawned. "Whether its the Seventh or Warthog Court 's all the same as far as I can see. If the Seventh didn't contest every ruling made in Warthog Court, we'd cut the litigation in this jungle in half."

  "Haarumph! Pshaw!" the owl sputtered. He thrust out his feathered chest belligerently and said with contempt "To suggest--haarumph--that the Seventh is in any way responsible for the paralysis of litigation caused by the Hawg City--"

  "Yes, yes," Percy interrupted with a belch. He had finished the antelope and now was impatient to begin the business of their visit. "These interminable disputes can wait for some other time, Owl. Right now we have more important business to tend to." The mention of the owl's retirement reminded him that he had a bone to pick with the bird. He immediately pushed the thought from his mind, however, to be resumed at a later date under more propitious circumstances.

  "Haarumph!" Honorashious grunted indignantly. He shifted his wings and wobbled from one claw to another, saying stuffily: "The Seventh will defer to rank--haarumph--in accordance with protocol--haarumph--haarumph--" and a note of warning crept into the owl's voice, "but I would note that it is just such--haarumph--as you appear to deem them 'minor' points of litigation--haarumph--haarumph--honorable Percy--which lie at the roots of our problems!"

  "Points well taken," the Magistrate said with a show of good humor. "I counsel Horace daily on the need to reduce this confounded litigation that he takes such a perverse pleasure in wrestling with. I think the more of it there is, the better he likes it, eh Horace?" The Magistrate chuckled conspiratorially.

  Horace, whose snout lay floating half-submerged in the mud, drew back the corners of his mouth in a mischievous grin. He snickered obligingly as he gave the Magistrate a knowing, sideways look out of the corners of two slitted, glittering eyes.

  "I hate to interrupt such serious matters," the lion said, noting carefully the rapport of the two hogs, "but we have little time to waste. Our purpose in ferreting you out here--in these Spartan surroundings--is of the utmost importance."

  At this mention of Spartan surroundings the two hogs in unison snickered anew and exchanged jovial glances as if sharing in a good joke. In the next instant, however, this seemingly good natured mirth had abruptly evaporated. Horace
narrowed his eyes with cunning, and a keen edge came into his voice:

  "We understand, Perceival Theodilious, that you have a case to bring to Warthog Court?"

  "Indeed," the sow emissary interjected pleasantly, "we understand that it may be two cases?"

  The Magistrate frowned with displeasure at these fumbling remarks. The inexcusable lack of subtlety shown by the sow in mentioning the incarceration of the members of the lion's entourage struck a discordant note in the otherwise seamless venue they had so carefully constructed. Now that the jig was up, however, he moved aggressively to the offensive.

  "Your case will have to be argued in Warthog Court," he said shortly, the lighter tone now having fallen completely out of his voice. "The bear and the others the same."

  "We will argue the case in Warthog Court--" the lion said, pausing for a dramatic effect and looking superciliously down upon the two hogs. With their uplifted, protruding eyes and tusks curling decoratively up and around their noses, their great snouts lay like a pair of royal, blinking barks upon the surface of the mud. The lion had been waiting for this. Now that the hogs had broached the subject he was watching their reactions carefully. A hint of suspicion had come into their eyes under the influence of this new tone. At just the right moment, Percy finished his sentence: "--tomorrow."

  Horace snorted and his snout started with a jerk briefly out of the mud, emitting as it did so the unpleasant, sharp sucking sounds of the breaking of the hermetic seal. "Impossible!" he protested in flabbergasted disbelief, and his snout flopped with a smack back into the mud. "It will be months before we can bring this case to Warthog Court!" He shook his head, assuming a firmly dismissive tone. "No. You had better go ahead and arrange semi-permanent quarters in the area. We won't get to this case for some time yet."