Really, I was glad he didn’t leave me. Go back to class, as I’d said. I didn’t want to be alone. “Will you come with me to the bathroom?”
He looked at me quizzically.
“I just want to throw water on my face. I don’t feel good.”
Micah came in the bathroom with me, looking around with interest, waiting patiently as I splashed water on my face. Then I stared at myself in the mirror.
“Don’t tell Jeremy, okay?”
Micah looked uncertain. “Oh. I don’t know, Jodi. I’m pretty sure he would want to know.”
“I was just feeling sick, just a little bit. That’s all.”
He didn’t look as though he believed me.
“Micah. I’m fine.”
“Then lets go back to class,” he challenged. “That disintegrating stuff was pretty cool.” Micah eyed me. “So, come on Jodi, let’s go back to class.”
I bit my lip. “I still feel kind of sick. You can go back if you want,” I said, praying with all my heart he wouldn’t.
“Okay,” he said, gesturing toward the door. “I’m going to go.”
“Okay.”
He exhaled. “Jeez, Jodi. I’m not going to leave you. You’re obviously going through something. Let’s just go get Jeremy.”
“No!” I said. “No Jeremy.” I rubbed my throbbing forehead. “You can’t tell him Micah. Swear.”
***
Jeremy gave me a ride home from school. Micah apparently didn’t tell him about my freak-out in class. Relief! I couldn’t take him knowing. It wasn’t like I didn’t think Jeremy would understand—try to help. I knew he would. But I couldn’t take him feeling sorry for me, not any more than he already did. His eyes looking full of pity—agony to my heart. I needed some distance from him, and letting him comfort me wasn’t going to do that. It was going to do the total opposite.
As it was, Jeremy walked me to all my classes after lunch too. We didn’t talk about Kenzie or Chloe, though. I didn’t have the energy to bring them up again and I knew Jeremy wouldn’t. And he didn’t.
In fact, we didn’t talk about much of anything. That was okay, though. He was beside me. That was enough. All I wanted. Or anyway, all I could handle.
On the ride home, I tried to chill—forget about the shadows, and instead feel good about my new plan. Dr. Burk guaranteed he could help people—get rid of their hallucinations once and for all. He had testimonials from cured people on his website—people that had felt hopeless, like me—then poof, no more hallucinations.
So chill, I told myself. Then I tried to think about Alice and Mr. Felix together, happy. With a dog. The thought still warmed me.
I popped in one of The Clutch CDs and sang along—ignoring the fact I can’t sing. Jeremy kept biting back little smiles. Every once in a while he’d sing along—his voice gorgeous, but going playful because he’s like that—into having a good time, not taking things too seriously. It was fun.
But then, the song Little Jodi came on, making my heart throb, the words filling me with an inexplicable emptiness and longing. I lunged forward, quickly popping out the CD.
Jeremy glanced at me sideways. “You don’t like the song?”
“No. I do, but …”
“Yeah, I know.”
The silence was thick.
Neither of us spoke for a long time. But then Jeremy surprised me, asking huskily, “Do you want to go somewhere?—get something to eat?”
My heart fluttered at the suggestion—stupid heart! Though I was tempted, so tempted, to stay with him—stay with him every moment I could—I shook my head. Poor Sawyer was sick; I needed to check on him, not purr over his best friend. And besides, I was anxious to do more research on Dr. Burk, my new hope. I wanted to find out he was totally for real and could help me—like, cure me.
Jeremy leaned back in his seat and stole a look at me. “It’s just that it’s been a good day.” His eyes flickered to mine again. “Kinda like being your boyfriend for the day.”
That got my heart galloping. I’m such a sap. At least I was cynical enough to remind myself these days Jeremy could only handle being someone’s boyfriend for a day—just one day. Then he was on to someone else.
Still, I had to nod, unable to disagree, though I wished I could. Really wished I could. But it had been a good day—the parts with Jeremy, anyway. He had been so incredibly tender and sweet—guiding me through the crowded halls of school as though I was a precious heirloom he was afraid might break, giving me his full-on devoted attention. But I was pretty sure he only suggested us staying together now because he was concerned about me. Like since Sawyer was out of commission, he felt responsible for my care. Worried he still needed to babysit me.
It made me grit my teeth and add, “It was nice, but I have a boyfriend.”
Jeremy gave me a quizzical look, then slightly shook his head, pinning his gaze straight ahead at the road. “I know,” he muttered. “Believe me I know. You always bring that up, like I could forget or something.”
“Well sometimes you act like you have forgotten,” I lied.
“Well, believe me, I never do.” Jeremy was silent for a moment, then glanced over at me, looking as though he was trying to read my thoughts. “I just don’t understand why you had to choose my best friend.”
For some reason, hearing him say that made me tremble. I wrapped my hands around my rubber bands, clutching them. “Sawyer and I getting together—it had nothing to do with you.”
Jeremy raised an eyebrow. “You sure about that?”
Heat rushed in. I clutched the rubber bands tighter, snapping, snapping, snapping. “Just run off with your little blond girlfriends,” I snarled, then added kind of vicious, “Just leave Sawyer and me alone.”
“Do you really mean that?”
He flicked his gaze to me and I squeezed my eyes shut. Maybe he wanted that—for me to release him. From everything; from the burden of watching over me. Maybe all this time—ever since he found out about Kenzie—he had been needing that. Release. Like, maybe he felt partly responsible for me—because of our past or because he knew I was all alone, with Dad dead and Mom cold and distant and too busy to notice me. Too self-absorbed and psycho. And his dad looked through me, like I wasn’t even there. Maybe Jeremy didn’t just feel sorry for me. Maybe he felt responsible.
I didn’t really ever think of that before. That he wanted to be free of me. I mean, not just not his girlfriend, but not his … anything.
But now that the thought was there, I couldn’t get it out of my head. I remembered the other day, in the mall, how intent he got when he asked, “Jodi, do you want me to leave you alone?” He had practically held his breath, waiting for my answer.
It didn’t occur to me, not then, that he might want my answer to be “Yes. Leave me alone.” That he was praying for it.
Tears sprang to my eyes. I glanced at him. He was still watching me, his eyes intent. But I didn’t answer. Couldn’t. Finally, he pulled his gaze away from me to stare out at the road, but his question still burned in my brain. Do you really mean that?
I didn’t mean it. Of course. Except for that Christmas, so many years ago, Jeremy had never intentionally hurt me, ever. Since I moved back here, he had never been anything but decent and kind to me. And although he treated his girlfriends insensitively, he certainly never treated me that way.
No, he didn’t treat me like a girlfriend, didn’t call me up to chat, or come to the house to visit. And when he did come to the house, he had brought a girl. He made sure I understood he was completely over me. Didn’t love me. But ever since Kenzie popped up he always made sure I knew he had my back. Always.
So I felt sort of ashamed for being a jerk to him—just now, and all the other times. I sighed. “No, Jeremy, I don’t mean it.” I clamped my jaw shut, trying to piece my feelings together—trying to understand my bitter, hurting self. “I’m sorry I say hateful things to you—I don’t even know why I say them. It’s just I’m mad at you, Jeremy. You didn�
�t say a word to me—not one—about Kenzie or last night.”
I’d been biting back my anger about that since lunch—him not telling me Kenzie had gone to the mall last night looking for him. I wanted to demand he stay away from Kenzie. Demand he tell me everything she did last night—everything—the fight, the hands all over each other, everything. Geez, how many other nights had she gone to him without me knowing?
But Jeremy wasn’t like Sawyer. I couldn’t force him to do anything. He had no obligations to me. He wasn’t my boyfriend anymore. He was just a guy now, one who had the misfortune to be tied to my past—and present—and was unabashedly craved by my slutty alter ego. Still, I knew he cared about me. Only not enough to tell me the truth. Apparently.
Jeremy weighed his words. “Jodi … You don’t want to know about Kenzie.”
I groaned. “What did she do last night? What does she keep on doing?”
Jeremy closed his eyes and set his jaw, then he shook his head. “Look, I’m not going to tell you. Go be with Sawyer. Be happy.”
I clutched my stomach tighter, my heart aching. “You’re seriously not going to tell me?”
He was silent a long time. It seemed he wasn’t going to. “I can handle her,” he finally said. “She won’t hurt people.”
A chill ran down my spine. My voice hitched; I could barely get the words out. “You mean like my dad—with an axe?”
He flicked a look at me, his eyes full of pity. And concern. He shook his head slowly. “No. Jodi, no. I promise you, she’s not going to do that.”
But he didn’t really look convinced.
CHAPTER 24
Jeremy dropped me off at the house, watching me go in with a worried expression on his face. Of course the first thing my eyes lit on when I opened the front door was the den phone. But for once seeing it filled my heart with warmth instead of the usual jab of pain. Made me think of Alice happy, not Jeremy’s betrayal. His rejection.
Baby steps.
I sighed, then ran upstairs, anxious to start researching Dr Burk, the phone therapist. I flipped open my laptop then spent the next hour finding mixed reviews—he was a scam artist/he was a miracle worker. Ugh! I’d desperately just wanted to find the miracle worker stuff. The other gave me a sinking heart. And a headache.
Still … some people swore by him.
When I finally got off the Internet, I went downstairs. Mom was in the kitchen, rifling through paperwork at the table. She looked anxious, sitting at the edge of her seat and I knew she was waiting for Craig so they could rush back to the office for another “emergency.”
I was hesitant to ask if I could borrow her car, but then glad I did. She actually gave me permission. I couldn’t believe it. She never let me drive it before, ever. But when I told her I was going to take some soup over to Sawyer’s because he was sick, she sighed distractedly.
“Tell him I hope he gets feeling better,” she murmured, her nose in a document.
“Ready.” Craig bustled out of the study in a frenzy, as usual, carrying a stack of faxes and a cup of coffee, muttering something about hoping “this won’t take all night.”
Mom made a noise of agreement as she stuffed her paperwork into her briefcase.
“There’s take-out in the fridge,” she told me as she and Craig hurried out the front door, going back to the office. Yep, another “emergency.”
Shock.
Not.
When I got to Sawyer’s, he seemed to be doing better. A lot better, actually. His room didn’t smell like sickness anymore, and he wasn’t asleep when I got there. Not like yesterday. Yesterday he slept all day. Today he was lying on the couch, playing video games with Micah.
“Hey, Jodi,” Micah said, hopping to his feet when he saw me. “I’m going to take off.”
“No stay,” I said, showing him my soup. “There’s plenty.”
Micah smiled as he backed away towards the door. “No, that’s okay. It smells good, but I think Sawyer wants to be alone with you.” He grinned. “Actually, I know he does.”
Once Micah left, Sawyer eyed me. “Jeremy came by to see me.”
“Yeah?” My palms instantly started sweating, thinking about Jeremy’s kindness today. How it had felt like electricity shooting through my body every time he put his hand on the small of my back, guiding me to my classes; and how his warm hands had gently squeezed mine in support after Lindsey’s Kenzie-bomb at lunch.
I swallowed, trying to unspaz. I knew Jeremy didn’t tell Sawyer any of those things. Jeremy had no idea what he did to my heart—or anyway, he wouldn’t tell Sawyer. I folded my hands together so I wouldn’t fidget, but then I had to pace.
It was frustrating Jeremy could do that to me—how just hearing his name got me all agitated and my heart pumping wild. Ugh. “What did you two talk about?—Did he tell you Kenzie came to visit him last night—because he sure didn’t tell me.”
“Yeah.” Sawyer studied me as I paced the floor. “He told me.”
I whipped around to face Sawyer, incensed with Jeremy. Grr! He told Sawyer but wouldn’t tell me? “What’d he say?”
Sawyer rubbed the back of his neck, hesitating, like he was trying to choose his words carefully. “Jodi, Kenzie’s obsessed with Jeremy.” He exhaled. “She kind of has a way of getting what she wants—and she wants Jeremy.”
My heart fell to my shoes. I started pacing again. It was either that or start bawling.
“He should have told me,” I grumbled, like that was the only issue I had with the information. But it wasn’t. Far from it. The whole thing … sucked.
I didn’t want Kenzie with Jeremy—I wanted them far apart. And they had no right to keep information from me. None. What exactly did Kenzie do last night? And did she do it other nights too? Go after Jeremy?
Ugh. If Lindsey hadn’t dropped the bomb about Kenzie last night, I wouldn’t have ever known … unless, maybe, Jeremy was waiting to tell Sawyer first. It seemed he did that—left Sawyer, my boyfriend, to be in charge of me—to tell me bad news.
“He’s just watching out for you,” Sawyer said. “You’re the only girlfriend he’s ever had.” He gave me a wan smile. “He likes you, Jodi.”
A jolt shot through me hearing him say that. I wish he hadn’t said it.
Jeremy was over me—able to move on and just “like” me. Okay, I had to deal with that. But I didn’t trust my feelings for Jeremy. Didn’t trust them at all. They were mixed-up and complicated … and extreme. He could break my heart again so easily. Too easily. I wasn’t up for more heartbreak. I just wasn’t. I needed to stay away from him. Far, far away. And somehow make Kenzie stay even further. Seriously. I was too fragile and vulnerable … and crazy. For all I knew, if Jeremy broke my heart again, I’d grab an axe and start hacking people. Maybe I’d do that anyway. Maybe I didn’t even need to be provoked.
I shook away my bloody thoughts, feeling slightly sick. I glanced up at Sawyer, knowing I couldn’t ask him to stay away from Jeremy too. They were best friends. Truly, best friends. To me, that was huge—a best friend. I never had that, someone I could confide all my feelings in. Well, except Jeremy. He had been my best friend, and I had confided everything in him. But that was a long time ago. Years. These days, I confided in no one. Ever. But I couldn’t do that to Sawyer—try to make him choose me over his best friend. I was tempted—so tempted—but I wouldn’t.
Being without a best friend was lonely. It sucked.
I kept pacing, Sawyer’s words still echoing in my ears, He likes you, Jodi.
I tried shaking them off. I made Sawyer roll over and make room for me to curl up beside him on the couch. “Well, I like you.”
“Yeah, but you like him too,” he said softly.
“But I try not to—I don’t want to like him, Sawyer.”
“Jodi, you can’t choose who you like and don’t like. I appreciate the effort, but you don’t have to make it on my account. I mean, my dad—he lost my mom because he made her choose. I’m not going to do that—I don’
t want to lose you.”
Ugh! He had issues. Sharing issues, abandonment issues. Issues, issues, issues. His parents—grrr! I wanted to smack them. Their screwed up relationship screwed him up. Bad. For life.
“Oh, my mom’s letter, the one you were asking about?” Sawyer gestured to the paper on the coffee table.
My heart twisted a little.
I reached over for the note. That he kept it all these years was sort of heartbreaking. Especially because all it said was, “Sawyer, I’m sorry I have to go. I love you.”
That was it. All it said. Quick and to the point, as though she had made up her mind she was leaving and she wanted to distance herself from the situation, simply get the formality over because she knew no matter what she said, she would be breaking her son’s heart. Poor Sawyer. I kissed him as he watched me with the letter.
I looked at the note again. You could tell his mom had been crying when she wrote it, bawling. Tear stains covered it. Still, what a harsh, cruel thing to do—leave your child, abandon him, in the middle of the night.
I curled up closer to Sawyer. No wonder he had issues. I wanted to kick his mom’s butt.
“But the thing about you and Jeremy,” Sawyer said, doggedly holding on to the issue. “I came into this knowing how you felt about each other. So, I kind of forced you into being my girlfriend—or rushed you, anyway. I did that on purpose—totally on purpose. So, you’d kind of be tied to me before you saw Jeremy again. So I’d at least have a chance with you this time.”
He smoothed back my hair. “I just wanted you—to be part of you. But I never expected to win, Jodi—never.” Sawyer wet his lips. “And now, this situation—it’s … I don’t know. You used to be Jeremy’s girlfriend and I totally wanted you. Now you’re my girlfriend and he wants you. Bad. He won’t admit it. But he does.”
I shook my head, burrowing my face into Sawyer’s chest. I couldn’t tell him Jeremy said he didn’t love me. Or explain that I knew he didn’t, anyway. That Jeremy avoids me. That he’s never come to the house the whole time I’ve been back. Only that one time and it was to get his dog. And then he’d brought a girl with him. A blond.
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