I couldn’t tell him any of that because I’d choke on my words. Start crying. And I couldn’t do that to Sawyer. Cry to him about my torrid, screwed-up feelings for his best friend.
Sawyer went on, breaking my heart. “But Jodi, Jeremy always gets the girl. Always. He gets them and he doesn’t even want them.”
I closed my eyes. “Exactly. I know.”
“No, you don’t.”
My eyes popped open. Jeez, he was confusing.
He looked at me closely, seeming to be searching for the right words. “Like I said, I came into this knowing how you felt about Jeremy, and how he felt about you.” Sawyer cupped my chin, making me look into his eyes. “You love him Jodi.”
I pressed my face into the curve of his neck, tears welling in my eyes. I want to love you, Sawyer. It’s you I want to love. Those were the words I wanted to say, longed to say, but didn’t. Couldn’t. Because they wouldn’t be comforting to him. They would hurt.
But that was how I felt. I wanted to love Sawyer and be normal and happy. With all my heart, I wanted to be strong and stay away from Jeremy. I didn’t want to want him.
Sawyer took me into his arms, held me for a long time, not saying anything. But when he finally did speak, it was about Jeremy again. “You love him, Jodi. Please don’t even try to say you don’t because I see the way you look at him.” Finally, he whispered, “But I’m not going to make you choose—ever. Because look what that got my dad. I’m not going to do that.”
It almost sounded mature—not making someone choose. Almost. But I knew it was coming from a weird place. From his mom leaving him because his dad forced her to choose. He was afraid.
But so was I.
“Sawyer, I don’t love Jeremy. I promise, I don’t. I have twisted, screwed-up feelings for him, but that’s not love.”
I searched for the right words, words that could make him understand—me understand. “It’s an obsession—a sickness, and I don’t want to have it. Jeremy hops from girl to girl. He doesn’t love me—I know for a fact he doesn’t. And when he acts like he does, he’s just—doing what he does.”
Sawyer shook his head. “Jodi, you’re wrong. I know Jeremy, I’ve known him a long time. He’s never had a girlfriend since you left. You’re right, he goes from girl to girl, but not promising them anything. He’s been looking for someone like you—you. But now you’re here, and he’s not going to let you go.”
I squeezed my eyes shut, tingles running through my body. Sawyer had no idea what he was doing to my heart. That he should stop. Right now.
But he went on, sounding reflective. “We told you what he used to do—go after girls that looked like you, then he’d break up with them when they couldn’t be you.” He said it again, “Jodi, he’s not going to let you go.” Then he added softly, “Only, neither am I.”
I closed my eyes, squeezed them shut tight, knowing Sawyer was wrong. Dead wrong. Jeremy let me go three years ago. He broke up with me—and he didn’t do it gently. He did it deliberately, cruelly. Only now, suddenly, it seemed I understood why. Why he had been so methodically cold about it—he had done it that way so I wouldn’t write to him anymore, try to pursue him, or be under any kind of false impression we still had a chance.
Obviously, I hadn’t got it from him simply not writing me back or trying to get in touch with me. So, that Christmas, in his own way, he was being kind. Or at least honest. He was just making it clear—abundantly clear—we were over.
That knowledge sent a shiver through me.
I clutched my stomach, tears springing to my eyes, remembering Jeremy’s words at the mall the other day when I asked him if he loved me. He had blanched. “That’s not what I was saying.”
Geez, he had to think I was obtuse—pathetic—wondering exactly what he had to do for me to get a clue—he didn’t love me. He was over me.
And then Kenzie showed up—that must have been a treat—making it so he couldn’t just let me go.
Tears started pouring down my face. And I couldn’t tell Sawyer why.
CHAPTER 25
Five days after Sawyer’s absence from school, I opened my locker to find a cell phone sitting in it. It was weird because I didn’t tell Sawyer about Dr. Burk or that I needed a cell phone. Without question, I knew Sawyer would insist Dr. Burk was a scam, knew he would talk me out of trying to get in touch with him.
But there it was—a cell phone.
I picked it up, staring at it with wonder. Then finally read the note attached. Then I squeezed my eyes shut and read it again. It wasn’t from Sawyer. It was from Jeremy. He’d written: “Kenzie said I shouldn’t let you get a cell phone. So … here’s a cell phone.”
That was all it said. He didn’t even sign his name. But I knew Jeremy’s writing.
I stared at the phone a long time, a lump growing in my throat. I hadn’t talked to Jeremy since the day Sawyer was sick, the day I decided it was better to stay away from him—better for my heart … and my life—everyone’s life. Besides, now I knew I was just a burden to Jeremy. One he felt responsible for.
Okay, I knew it wasn’t quite like that. Not exactly. I knew he cared for me. But it hurt to know he just felt sorry for me—and that my deep, mixed-up feelings for him made him uncomfortable.
Well, they made me uncomfortable too.
Now any time I saw Jeremy coming, I ran the other direction. Literally. Sawyer noticed, but I refused to talk to him about it.
“I just want to be alone with you for a while,” I told Sawyer yesterday at lunch.
Sawyer kissed me, warm and tender. “If I thought it was just ‘cause you can’t get enough of me, I’d be all for our isolation,” he said as I lead him away from the cafeteria—away from Jeremy and the band. “But Jodi, you need to talk to him. You’re hurting him.”
I grimaced. Sawyer didn’t know what he was talking about. Still, he let me lead him away.
For five days we didn’t eat in the cafeteria. Five days I didn’t talk to Jeremy. And Jeremy never once tried to talk to me. In fact, I was pretty sure he was avoiding me too. I would feel his eyes on me sometimes, but he stayed clear of me. Like he wanted to make sure I was okay, but had no desire, whatsoever, to talk to me.
In fact, he didn’t even talk to me now. Just left a note with the cell phone.
Wiping away a tear, I punched the doctor’s number into the auto-dial. I knew the number by heart.
Now I just needed to wait for the shadows.
***
Two days later, I was waiting for Sawyer at his locker, my eyes darting here and there. Still no shadows. Not that I was hoping for them. But I was hoping Dr. Burk was for real. That he could help me. So I could get on with my life, shadow-free. And then, hopefully from there, Kenzie-free. The problem was, first I had to see the shadows.
“I have to stay for a make-up test,” Sawyer told me when he got to his locker.
“Oh.” I stared at him, bewildered because it was weird he didn’t tell me earlier, weird he had me meet him here instead of giving me a head’s up so I could catch a ride home with Micah.
But then I got it.
‘Cause he said, “Jeremy’s going to give you a ride.”
And then, there was Jeremy, right behind me. He gave me a wan smile, like Sorry for the lame trick. And it was a lame trick. Sawyer’s lame trick. His trick to make me talk with Jeremy, since I’d been avoiding him all week. But I couldn’t face him, couldn’t talk to him. Not just because of my resolve to stay away from him. It was more than that. I couldn’t stand knowing he felt stuck with me.
My heart was so not prepared for a conversation about that.
I glared at Sawyer, but he gave me a light kiss on the mouth, ignoring my anger. “Just talk,” he said.
Out in Jeremy’s car, I fidgeted near the passenger door, practically hugging it.
“I get it, Jodi,” Jeremy said. “You don’t want to talk to me. You don’t need to jump out of my car.”
I bit my lip, not saying anything. ‘C
ause, yeah, I was acting dumb.
We rode all the way to my house in silence. But when we got there, I had an idea. It had been nagging at me for days, but now I had to do it, while Sawyer wasn’t around. Because, just like the Dr. Burk thing, he wouldn’t approve.
My palms were sweating, thinking about asking—especially because this was Jeremy. Jeremy. The guy who I’d resolved to avoid as much as possible. This isn’t to stay close to him, I promised myself. It’s only because he has a car.
Finally I asked, fidgeting with my rubber bands. “You know how the other day you asked if I wanted to go somewhere—that day after school?”
Jeremy tilted his head, searching my eyes. He nodded. “Yeah. I remember.”
“Well, I do, today—want to go somewhere.”
Jeremy blinked. Then, without a question, he put his car in reverse and started to back out of the driveway.
“No, wait!” I said with a nervous laugh. “I need to get something first.”
I ran into the house and scrounged up every cent I could find—every cent. Luckily, I’d just cashed my paycheck. Too bad it was only thirty bucks.
“Where to?” Jeremy asked when I returned to his car, sweaty and out of breath.
“It’s over an hour away,” I said. “Is that okay?”
Jeremy backed out of my driveway.
***
When we got to the Psychic Center I was nervous. Jeremy took my sweaty palm in his warm hand and linked his fingers through mine, instantly calming me, though I was sure he only did it to stop me from messing with my rubber bands. He told the lady at the front desk I wanted to see a psychic.
“Do you have an appointment?” she said.
This place was so different than the Read Palm. It was in a big, fancy office building with a waiting room and couches and magazines. Like a huge multi-partnered-doctor’s office.
“No.”
She made a tsk sound, then leafed through her appointment book. “Hmmm. How about a week from Friday?”
My heart sank.
“No,” Jeremy said. “We need it today.”
She shook her head. “I’m sorry, I can’t. The week from Friday was me doing you a favor—cutting into people’s lunches. We’re booked solid for the month.”
Jeremy bit his lip. “We drove over an hour to get here.” He looked into her eyes. “We really need help.”
No one can resist Jeremy’s pleading eyes. Not even little old ladies.
She leaned in close. “Rita Franks is off this week—she just broke her ankle and can’t make it to work. She’s home.” The lady moved in even closer, talking confidential-like. “I’ll call her and tell her you’re coming.”
***
Rita Franks hobbled around her apartment, smiling and acting glad for company. She had Jeremy and me sit on her flowery couch and offered us tea. We both declined, not really tea drinkers.
She laughed at that and gestured toward her tiny kitchen, telling us she had thought about making a batch of cookies this morning, but then thought that was silly, she certainly didn’t need sweets sitting around while she couldn’t exercise. “Now I wish I had made them.” She winked. “Should have listened to that voice.”
Finally she smiled. “Well, I guess you didn’t come all this way to hear an old lady prattle.”
She took dad’s ring, holding it tight. She’d been all sparkly and warm a moment ago. But now—whoa—she suddenly turned ashen. It made all the hairs on my arm stand on end.
Rita gasped in horror, throwing dad’s ring toward the door.
“Get out!” she screamed. “Get out now. Don’t come back. Don’t ever come back.”
My heart hammered against my chest, my throat constricting. What happened? What did she see?
Whatever it was, it was horrible. It had her terrified, just like The Read Palm lady.
Rita hobbled wildly to her bedroom, slamming the door.
“Get! Out!”
Jeremy looked at me, his eyes full of concern. “Jodi, what’s going on?”
I swallowed, shaking uncontrollably.
I had no idea.
CHAPTER 26
Ever since Trista left, we all paid extra attention to Micah, trying to keep him occupied, his mind off his lost love. This morning as Sawyer and I climbed the bleachers, we heard Jeremy offering to set Micah up with one of his girlfriend-wannabees. Jeremy didn’t even look at me as I sat down. It pricked my heart, though it was stupid to feel that way. So dumb! I’d been avoiding him again since the day the psychic freaked out. Not avoiding him like before. We weren’t in a fight. I didn’t make Sawyer hole up in a classroom anymore, away from his friends at lunch. Nothing like that. But Jeremy and I didn’t talk, and I avoided his eyes. Although every time I caught them, they seemed to be on me, full of concern.
That hurt though. Not as bad as if they were full of indifference or annoyance, but—they used to be full of love. Only … okay, sometimes they still seemed to be. Sometimes. Seemed to be. They seemed to be saying, “I love you, Jodi. Love you with all my heart.” Only, I knew that was just wishful thinking on my part. Me, holding on to a convoluted fantasy, still unable to let go of the past.
I didn’t want Jeremy to have to tell me again—or prove it again, like that Christmas—he’s over me. Intellectually, I got it. I did. So whenever I caught Jeremy’s eyes on me, I clung to Sawyer. Anything else would be emotional suicide. Besides, I always tried reminding myself I had Sawyer now—I should be over Jeremy.
“Trista and I are still together,” Micah explained, for the hundredth time. “We didn’t break up.”
“Yeah, but man, when are you ever going to see her again?” Zack asked. “It’s not like she moved across town—she’s across the continent. New York is about as far as you can get from here without leaving the country.”
Micah shrugged. “I don’t want to date anyone else. Not right now.”
I gave his arm a squeeze. “You still have us, Micah. We love you.”
“Yeah, I know.” He put his hand on mine. “Thanks.”
“My mom’s making a big Thanksgiving dinner,” I said. “Do you want to come?”
“Nah, my parents make a big deal about us spending the holidays together—you know, a family thing. But thanks.”
I nodded. “Sure.”
I pretty much already knew before I invited him that he wouldn’t come, but I thought I’d give it a try, anyway. ‘Cause you never know. I glanced over at Zack. “How about you Zack? Jeremy and Sawyer will be there—do you want to come?”
“Oh.” Zack seemed surprised by the offer. “I can’t. Eve’s having me come to her house.” He gave me an odd look. “Thanks though.”
I’d thought maybe he would come. It didn’t seem like he had much of a home life. He never mentioned his parents—ever. Ever, ever, ever. And I hadn’t thought about him spending Thanksgiving with Eve. I had no idea she was still in his life at all, not after the big scratch thing.
When the bell rang, I saw Hanna in the halls. We almost collided. “Sorry Kenzie,” she murmured, pulling past me.
My heart stopped. I clutched her arm reflexively, my eyes bugging out of my head. “K-Kenzie?”
She turned white as a sheet and started backing away, just as she always did when she saw me. “I mean Jodi.”
Then she took off, running into the mob of students, literally ran to get away from me.
My heart pounded as I watched her go.
Sawyer took my hand, trying to calm me down. He smoothed back my hair. “I never told her anything. She doesn’t know.”
“But did you ever tell her my name was Kenzie?—like, back before, when you talked about me with the band?”
Sawyer tilted his head, thinking. Then shook it slowly. “I don’t think so. Because I wanted her to get you the job at Looks. She had to know your real name.”
I swallowed. The thing was, Hanna wasn’t the only person that got that scared look in their eyes when they saw me coming. I’d seen it in other peopl
e’s eyes now too. Like, the lady at The Read Palm. Now whenever I tried to go see her, she would get that exact same scared look—like I was the devil come to eat her children. And she wouldn’t let me in her building. She would beg me to go away. The same with the lady at the other psychic place, the one I went to after the Psychic Center. The lady there threw me out too, said she couldn’t let my “spirit in.”
All the psychic people were afraid of me.
A chill ran down my spine. “Hanna’s for real,” I whispered. “She’s psychic.”
Sawyer grinned, not believing in that stuff, not at all. He played with my hair again, winding a strand around his finger. “I love Hanna, I do. But she can’t read the future. Jodi, she lives in a shack. If she had ‘special powers,’ wouldn’t she get the lottery numbers right? Make herself rich?”
I didn’t know about any of that. Or care. All I knew was—I was scary. And crazy. And Dad, he was crazy too. Apparently, it was a genetic thing. We had some weird alternate “identities” inside us. Evil identities. And the psychics, they could tell. They knew to run.
Maybe everyone should do that—just run from me. How long did I have left? How long before I grabbed an axe?
***
The one person who definitely wasn’t afraid of me was Zack. I wasn’t sure what his deal was, but at lunch, I looked up to find him watching me. He kept doing it, even after I caught him. Then he started talking with Micah, but his eyes stayed on me. Sometimes I got the feeling he had a crush on me, but I wasn’t Zack’s type. He liked loud, pushy girls—like Eve. Maybe I just looked good to him, and his interest was nothing.
That’s what I usually told myself. But not today. Today, everything seemed sinister. ‘Cause, you know, I had a scary, evil identity inside me.
“You okay?” Sawyer ran his hand down my goose-fleshed arm. “You’re shaking.”
The Stranger Inside Page 21
