If You Could Only Feel (Buchanan Brothers Series Book 3)

by M. E. Clayton

  “Are you okay?” And then he winced when he realized what his words registered. “Never mind, man. Sorry.” He took a drink and then asked, “So, what happened?”

  With great difficulty, I recalled the night’s events, and I didn’t leave anything out. Not even the fact that I couldn’t make Justice cum. We were so close, we’d never held back with each other. And that wasn’t just a twin thing. We shared shit with Mason and Aiden that most people would consider private, but not us. And Shane and Denise marrying into the family hadn’t changed that. They just became a part of the circle and gave us a female’s perspective when warranted.

  Michael’s brows furrowed. “I don’t understand, Gabe,” he muttered. “Why would she think you guys are just fucking? I mean, you’ve been in love with her since we were 15 for fuck’s sake. You’ve never been with another woman or have ever been tempted to be. Even with the distance, when we were in college, you stayed faithful to her. Why would she…” He shook his head. “I don’t understand.”

  The next words out of my mind showcased just how much a fucking asshole I was. “That’s probably because I’ve never told her I love her.”

  Michael’s whiskey shot out of his mouth and across the carpet. He turned towards me, green eyes that matched mine, big as saucers. “What?!”

  I shrugged a shoulder, feeling like a jackass. “It never came up,” I excused, lamely.

  His furrowed brows shot towards his hairline. He set his glass on the bar and peered over at me. “Are you seriously telling me that you’ve been with Justice for over six fucking years and love’s never come up once?” Michael looked utterly shocked. “How does that even happen?”

  I knew it made me sound like a tool, but the fucker could prioritize a little here. Couldn’t he see I was a goddamn mess? “We haven’t talked much these past four years,” I snapped. “I hardly got to see her and so I spent most of our time together buried between her thighs, Mike!”

  He still looked confused. “Okay,” he conceded. “I get that, but what about high school? You guys were friends for a year and more than that for two more. Why didn’t you tell her then?”

  I tossed back my fourth glass and what ensued next looked like a ridiculous tug of war between children. Michael reached for the bottle before I could pour a fifth glass and I wasn’t about to give up the bottle that easily. “Give that back, goddamn it!” I barked.

  “You’ve had enough,” he parented.

  “The fuck I have, Mike,” I argued. “It’ll be enough when I’m passed the fuck out and can’t think about this shit anymore.”

  He wrenched the bottle away, and I seriously contemplated beating the shit out of my twin to get it back. But I knew deep down if I ever did kick Michael’s ass it would be because he let me. Michael was fuck all dangerously lethal when angered. “Answer the fucking question, Gabe.”

  I cracked my neck, tilting my head to one side then the other. “You know better than anyone how skittish she was when we first met. It took me a fucking year to even get her to let me fucking kiss her, Michael. Hell, it took me months to convince her we were friends before finally convincing her to be with me. How do you think she would have reacted if I had told her I was in love with her one week after meeting her?” I didn’t wait for his reply. “I’ll tell you how she would have reacted. Justice would have run for the fucking hills and never looked back.”

  Michael’s face softened. He nodded once, knowing I was right. “Yeah, man, but six years later?”

  My jaw clenched as I gritted my teeth. “She’s never said it to me, either, Michael. So, I’m not the only one here,” I pointed out.

  His eyes narrowed, and I swore he wanted to deck me. “I don’t understand how you could be so good at reading people but suck at recognizing anything about Justice.”

  I scoffed, clearly offended. I knew everything about Justice. Well…I thought I did. “What the fuck does that mean?”

  “Jesus Christ, Gabriel,” he muttered incredulously. “How am I the only one with no female experience, girlfriend or otherwise, but you three have no clue what to do with the women in your lives?” I knew he was referring to Mason’s fuck up with Shane and Aiden’s fuck up with Denise.

  “Oh, I don’t know, Oh, Wise One,” I deadpanned.

  Michael rolled his eyes at me. “You’re a Buchanan, Gabe,” he pointed out, needlessly. “Whether it’s deserved or not, that entire town worships our last name. Justice was raised poor and lived in a goddamn trailer park for fuck’s sake. And even though there is nothing wrong with that, you don’t think she was just as intimidated by our last name as everyone else?”

  I scoffed at the possibility. “Maybe at first, Mike, but we’ve been together for six years,” I reminded him. “If she was star struck in the beginning, she as fuck isn’t now.”

  He cocked his head at me. “Look, Gabe, I can’t say for sure, because who knows what the hell goes on in a woman’s mind, but from everything you just told me, it sounds as if she really believes you guys have just been fucking all this time and…” Michael averted his eyes and I knew this was going to be bad. He sighed. “You keep saying you guys have been together for over six years, but Gabe, man…”

  “Just fucking say it, Michael!” I snapped.

  “Fine,” he glowered. “In all these six years that you’ve supposedly been with Justice, you have never, once invited her over to meet us, spend time with us, get to know us or even meet the girls. All the birthdays, weddings, parties, work functions, any of it, you have never, ever showed up with Justice on your arm.”

  “That’s because Dad-”

  “Dad’s reign of bullshit ended four years ago with Shane,” he pointed out. “What’s been your excuse since then?”

  Chapter 7

  Justice~

  I threw my purse and travel case on the bed, and walking over to the floor to ceiling window, wondered what I thought I could accomplish by coming here.

  After Gabriel left, and I cried myself to sleep Saturday morning, I had called my boss and asked him if I could cash in a couple of my vacation days. At first, I was worried about the last-minute request, but once I told him I only wanted Thursday and Friday off, giving myself a four-day weekend, Dr. Daughtry was fine with it.

  So, I had texted Nathanial on Saturday and told him the truth about not being sure if I was ready to go on a date when I had some baggage I needed to unload first. He had surprised me with the sweetest laugh and then went on to explain that he was in the same boat. Friday night was his first attempt at getting over an ex-girlfriend, and even though he thought I was great, he still felt uneasy about trying to force the healing process.

  We ended up talking for about an hour and came to an agreement that, if the timing was right, maybe when we were both ready, we could move on together.

  When Sunday rolled around, I let Beatrice convince me to book a spa day. She was barely getting over her hangover and she thought a spa day would be just what we needed to face Monday. I hadn’t needed a spa day, but I needed something to keep my mind off Gabriel. And now, five days later, I was in Las Vegas still trying to keep my mind off Gabriel.

  I wasn’t surprised that he hadn’t called me. I knew he and Michael were starting their first days at Buchanan Industries and Gabriel had vaguely mentioned that they would spend their first four weeks working in every department and getting to know all the employees. Michael and Gabriel wouldn’t be in their official roles for another month or so.

  So, I knew he was busy. And even if he wasn’t, it didn’t matter. Gabriel and I didn’t have a relationship where we spoke on the phone or through texts. Nope. When he wanted to get laid by me specifically, he’d send a text that he was on his way, and as always, I’d reply with an ‘OK’. Gabriel would walk in, undress, attack, get dressed, then leave.

  We never went to dinner. We’ve never gone to a movie. We’ve never walked down the grocery aisle to shop for food. We’d never gone to the park. It’s amazing when you think about it. We’
ve been sleeping together for six years and we’ve done nothing other than fuck.

  Even when we were teenagers, we spent most of our time in my trailer screwing. My parents were so neglectful, they didn’t notice Gabriel sneaking in and out of my bedroom window. And considering that we lived in a trailer, the noises he made should have alerted them to something. But they just hadn’t cared enough to investigate those noises.

  At first, I didn’t mind the secrecy. I had been so enthralled at the idea that Gabriel Buchanan actually liked me; I was blind to just how seedy our relationship was. When he had finally convinced me he was sincere in wanting to be more than just my friend, I hadn’t wanted anyone to know, because I didn’t want anyone bursting our perfect little bubble.

  I was afraid if anyone found out, they’d eventually convince Gabe that he could do so much better than a piece of poor trailer park trash. At the time, I knew his brothers had known about us, and I was sure that Mason would have made him end things between us, but as the weeks and months went by, they never interfered. At least, not that I knew of.

  It was when Gabriel went off to college that my insecurities reared their ugly heads. Blaineview was one of the most prestigious private colleges in the country. It’s where the One Percent sent their children to fulfill the requirements to take over the family empires. Except for the scholarship students, Blaineview was crawling with the new generations of the wealthy.

  The college was also crawling with girls who were being groomed to hang on the arms of men like Gabriel Buchanan. Sophisticated, gorgeous, wealthy, graceful, elegant…you know, all the things I wasn’t.

  Gabriel had been at Blaineview for two months before he sent me a text that he was coming to see me.

  I had cried.

  And while I cried, I tortured my brain with all the possible reasons he could have texted me. I wondered if he missed me. I wondered if he was tired of new pussy and was feeling homesick. I even wondered if he was coming back to me because I was willing to let him fuck me up the ass and maybe the girls at Blaineview weren’t that obvious yet.

  And because I was so terrified of losing Gabriel, I had kept all my questions and fears to myself. Instead, he came over and I’ll never forget how I let him do whatever he wanted to do to me that night. I mean, for the most part, Gabe’s always had free reign of my body, but that night I begged him to leave nothing to his imagination. I begged him to treat me like a body with no mind, no emotions and no choice.

  I had cried myself to sleep for four days after he had left.

  The thought of having to share him with the world and be happy with the leftovers he was willing to gift me with had me wanting to slit my own throat.

  My insecurities, lack of self-esteem and all-around pathetic weakness were burning like the brightest beacons known to man.

  Gabriel was no longer my safe place. He was now a mirror to all the ways I was useless and dismal.

  I loved Gabriel. I’ve loved him since I was 16 years old, but I wasn’t happy with him. Or, rather, I wasn’t happy with our situation. But I was too much of a coward to say anything. While I might blame Gabe for being obtuse and insensitive, I wouldn’t blame him for my cowardice.

  That was all me.

  Honestly, I wasn’t even sure if it mattered anymore. He hasn’t called or texted and I wasn’t eager to reach out myself.

  So, I came to Vegas hoping that I could drink my depression away and hopefully find a man who could help me escape the chains that held me down.

  I’ve never been with anyone besides Gabriel. From my first kiss to my first everything else, they had all belonged to Gabriel. Maybe if I experienced those things with someone else, I’d be able to find enough pleasure that Gabe’s hold on me might loosen, if not disappear altogether.

  The unfortunate part was there was no way I’d be able to do this sober. I turned away from the window and eyed the mini bar. I wasn’t even sure how to go about doing something like this. Did I just pick a bar and drink until a guy approached me? And how safe was hooking up with a virtual stranger anyhow? I was here alone. No one would know until Monday if I’d been abducted or murdered.

  I grimaced. Ugh, what a grim thought.

  Well, it was only Wednesday night. I could unpack, unwind and relax. Perhaps, I could put in another spa day tomorrow and make sure everything was waxed, trimmed, buffed and exfoliated to perfection before I took it all off for some random stranger.

  I could sleep in, take a lazy day, get beautified, go shopping and then drink myself to gather enough courage to face the single, drunk men of Las Vegas.

  Deciding to ignore the mini bar until tomorrow evening, I walked over to the bed and grabbed my phone out of my purse. I shot Beatrice a quick text letting her know I arrived safely and wished she was here with me.

  There was still nothing from Gabriel, but while my chest felt heavy, I still wasn’t surprised. He was learning how to run an empire. I’m sure he had more important things to attend to than his booty call’s emotional breakdown.

  I flopped down on the bed and studied the ceiling as I admitted a little self responsibility. It wasn’t Gabriel’s fault I never told him how I felt. He really couldn’t be blamed for thinking our arrangement was still working for me when I never said otherwise.

  I guess the girl in me wished he had been the one to say something. I didn’t want to be just another woman throwing myself at him, in hopes of being the next Mrs. Buchanan, with unlimited funds at my disposal.

  I wanted Gabriel to choose me. I wanted to be the one he wanted. And I wanted him to know that his money and last name had nothing to do with why I was in love with him. I wanted him to believe that I only wanted him. So, along with the fear of losing him, that was the reason I never pushed for more.

  But even knowing all that, knowing I’m partly to blame for my clusterfuck of emotions, I still needed to find a way to move on without him. If he wasn’t going to choose me voluntarily, then I wasn’t going to push him to where he had to make the decision to have to choose.

  This one-woman trip to Vegas might make me look and feel like a loser, but I wasn’t going to let that stop me from trying. Gabriel got to go to college, meet new people, enjoy new experiences…why couldn’t I?

  Well, I mean not go to college, but meet new people and enjoy new experiences.

  I sat up and whist away my thoughts. I unpacked and decided to go grab some dinner, hopefully, somewhere cheap. Even though I worked hard and earn a decent wage, I was still poor, and this trip was all being done on a budget.

  Chapter 8

  Gabriel~

  Whatever it was, it wasn’t good.

  Mason rarely stepped on our toes or came at us in a commanding manner. He worked hard not to continue my father’s legacy of bullying and intimidation. So, when he called me and barked out that he needed to see me immediately, I knew something was wrong.

  The only thing calming me was that I knew it had nothing to do with my brothers or their wives. Mason had sounded too composed for that. It had to be work related, but I’ve only been here for four days. That’s not nearly enough time for me to fuck something up.

  I didn’t bother knocking when I got to his office. I opened the door and walked right in. Mason was sitting behind his massive oak desk, his head popping up when the door sounded behind me.

  I walked across the plush carpeted floor and dropped down in one of the two armchairs facing his desk. “What’s up?”

  Mason placed his elbows on the desk and steepled his fingers together. “What’s going on between you and Justice?” he asked, surprising the hell out of me.

  “Michael told you?” I mean, I wasn’t upset if Mike did; like I said, we didn’t keep secrets. But I just wasn’t expecting this line of questioning.

  “Yes,” Mason replied, arching a brow, clearly indicating that he didn’t like not being in the loop. Mason didn’t sweat the small stuff, but he considered anything that had to do with the women in our lives not small stuff. “Something you
should have told me yourself.”

  I let out a deep breath and told him everything. And I do mean everything. If anyone could separate facts from emotions and see the truth, it was Mason.

  When I finished, Mason picked his phone up off the desk and started swiping and tapping and whatever else. Looking down at his phone, he said, “You know how I hired that investigator to keep tabs on the Morgans after all that shit went down with Shane?” I nodded.

  Mason’s senior year of college Branson Morgan had attacked Shane and Mason had gone after the entire family-even their pets-and brought them down. He handed their company over to Shane for her to do whatever she wished with it. She now runs it with the help of Aiden’s wife, Denise.

  “Well, I still kept him on Branson because…well, I wanted to make sure he’s never near Shane ever again.” He handed his phone over to me and on the screen was a picture of Branson Morgan, free after only serving three and a half years in prison.

  My eyes flickered up to Mason and then back to the screen. “Okay,” I replied. “So, what am I looking at?” The neon signs above his head were a dead giveaway of where he was at. “Looks like he’s in Las Vegas and nowhere near Shane.”

  Mason sighed and the depth of it had me looking back up at him. “Look in the background, Gabriel,” he said. “What do you see?”

  I looked back down at the phone, and ignoring Branson, dread settled in the pit of my stomach when I finally noticed what Mason was talking about.

  Justice was in fucking Las Vegas.

  The picture showed her rolling a travel bag behind her as she walked into the hotel lobby of…well, I wasn’t sure which hotel. The picture didn’t show any signature buildings or attractions. I doubted she’d be able to afford to stay on the strip, anyway.

  I tore my eyes away from the picture when Mason’s voice cut through my wayward thoughts. “What would Justice Hillman be doing in Las Vegas, besides running from you, Gabriel?”