Juan

by Kathleen Ball

  Her heart beat faster, and her mind began to race. She nodded and smiled. “Yes, I would love to marry you.” She put her arms around his neck and hugged him.

  In her relief she didn’t realize that he was trying to set her away from him. When she did take notice her face heated and she knew herself a fool. Looking into Juan’s eyes he didn’t look back at her. What had just happened?

  Juan cleared his throat and shifted even farther away from her. “I can’t marry you. I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong impression. I said it all wrong. I want you and Brent to make your home here with me. I’ll treat Brent as my own and you’ll never have to worry about being hit again or where your next meal would come from. I think we make a good team.” It was his turn to blush and it only made her feel worse.

  She’d never have another offer from anyone. She tried living on her own, but she couldn’t make it. Being part of the team would be better than nothing. Disappointment ran through her. She couldn’t blame him for not wanting to marry her. After all she was a fallen woman with a child that everyone knew wasn’t her husband’s. She drew in a shaky breath and let it back out very slowly. She’d gotten her hopes up once again only to have them dashed.

  “I’d be honored to take you up on your generous offer, Juan. Thank you. What about when Carlos comes to live with you in a few years? Will you want us to leave?”

  Juan shook his head. He looked decidedly uncomfortable. “This will be your home, and no I would never ask you to leave. It will be nice to have a close friend, and I’ve become attached to that little guy of yours.”

  She tilted her head as she tried to read them. “You’re not making this offer because you feel sorry for me, are you? I just don’t want to be your problem. Brent can you think you’re his daddy and I bet there’s a multitude of problems we haven’t even thought of yet. And I know I’ve mentioned this before, but I don’t think your parents will be happy about this.”

  Juan took her hand and gave it a squeeze before letting it go. He gave her a real smile, and he seemed to relax. “Let’s not borrow trouble. We’ll deal with the problems as they arise. It’s getting late, and I think we need our sleep. You take the bed with Brent and I’ll sleep out here. I think it’s time to expand the house. I was going to do it anyway with Carlos coming to live here, but now’s just as good a time as any.”

  Her nerves were frayed, and her whole body felt heavy with exhaustion. She nodded, stood and then headed toward the bedroom. At the bedroom door, she turned. “Good night, Juan, and thank you.” She walked into the room and closed the door behind her.

  Juan woke up before the sun rose and built up the fire in the cook stove. He put the coffee on to boil and then sat in a chair at the table. Maybe Sonia was right worrying about what others would think, say, or do. It wasn’t going to be easy at first, but people would just have to understand. It wasn’t as though they were lying together, but he knew others would believe it. He’d learned to ignore what most people thought, but he was afraid for Sonia. He sighed. He’d made the best decision for their predicament and that was that.

  He got up and poured himself a cup of coffee and as he put it on the table, Brent came crawling out of the bedroom straight at him. Juan squatted down just in time to catch the boy as he threw himself at him. It was nice to see such a smile in the morning.

  “Papa, me Brent.” Then he babbled and Juan had no idea what he was talking about.

  “Brent, are you hungry?”

  Brent nodded vigorously. “Me hungry, Papa.”

  There was a feeling of rightness that Juan had never experienced before when Brent wrapped his little arms around his neck and said, “Love you, Papa.” Unshed tears stung Juan’s eyes. He never expected to have a child in his life. People were too cruel, and he didn’t want to have a son or daughter who would have to endure torments for the rest of his or her life.

  At the sound of rustling, Juan instantly looked up and met Sonia’s gaze. She seemed uneasy and a little bit afraid. Darn her dead husband for making her feel this way. He stood with Brent in his arms and smiled at her. “I think this is the best good morning I’ve ever had. It’s usually so quiet in here in.”

  “I’m—we—I’m sorry if we disturbed you. We can stay in the bedroom until after you leave in the mornings if you like.”

  She was a woman with much courage, yet she had many fears. Juan watched as she walked toward them. Her hair stuck up, and he wanted to tease her about it, but he wasn’t sure how she would take it.

  “I can take him,” she put her arms out.

  “I tell you what. I’ll keep Brent busy if you make breakfast? I’m not much of a cook. Let me know what we need from town, and Greg can get it next time he goes.”

  She gave him an odd look.

  He offered a half shrug. “I don’t go into town, and I definitely don’t go into your parents’ store. It’s not worth the aggravation, and it stirs up too much anger inside me. I like it here on the ranch where people know me and don’t think of me as different.”

  “I don’t blame you. I don’t like to go to town unless I have to. I’m nervous the whole time that someone is going to call me a name. It’s bad enough they whisper behind their hands and then look at me. I can hear what they’re saying, and they know it. So if Greg is willing, I’d be happy to give you a list.” She stood on tiptoe and leaned in, giving Brent a kiss on his cheek.

  The sweet smell of her had Juan suddenly wanting things he couldn’t have. “I’ll take Brent outside to see the horses. Call us when breakfast is ready?”

  “Yes I’ll call you. Brent you be a good boy for Juan.”

  Brent shook his head and pursed his lips. “Papa no Juan.” He patted Juan’s face a few times with his hand. And then he looked at her with his most stubborn look. “Papa.”

  Juan laughed and hugged Brent tighter. “You’re right, Brent, I’m your papa.” He carried Brent out the door as her mouth dropped open.

  Sonia closed her mouth and shook her head. She immediately went to the window and watched Juan and Brent. She was about to turn around when she spotted Greg heading to the corral. He looked angry. He said something and then turned back without waiting for an answer, stomping to his house. What was that all about? Her heart sank. She had an inkling. No good would come from her staying here, yet she didn’t know where else to go.

  She quickly fried up some ham while her biscuits baked. As soon as they were done she scrambled some eggs and put everything on platters. She opened the front door and yelled for them to come in for breakfast. Juan smiled at her, and any other time she’d be thrilled, but not today.

  They came in and sat down as she put the platters on the wooden table. She then dished out some food for Brent. “Shall we say grace?”

  Juan gave her an odd look but he bowed his head as she thanked God for the food and shelter they had been given. Juan fixed his own plate while she helped Brent to navigate eating with a spoon. Most of it ended up on the floor but Brent didn’t care. When she finally fixed a plate for herself, Brent got on his knees and tried to put his spoon in her food.

  It would have been a perfect time to teach manners, but when he tried to feed her she couldn’t help but laugh. He was just trying to help her as she had helped him. Her emotions couldn’t take anymore. One minute she was laughing and the next she was extremely upset. It was wearing her out.

  She shyly glanced at Juan a few times, and when he gazed back, she quickly looked down at her plate. Finally she got up her courage to ask. “What was that with Greg? It was about me wasn’t it?”

  Juan pushed the remaining food on his plate around then put his fork down. “He wanted me to make sure Brent didn’t get in the way. For Brent’s safety, of course.”

  “Of course.” She didn’t believe him. Greg was not pleased she was here. “Look, I don’t want to cause you any trouble.”

  “Sonia, look at me. We’re not doing anything wrong. As far as I’m concerned, you work for me and that’s that. It’s no
one’s business. Besides, many people have someone to cook and clean for them. It doesn’t mean there are feelings involved or anything else is going on.”

  A knife to her chest would have felt better. “You’ll probably have to explain it over and over as everyone asks. Maybe you should ask to see if Carlos can live here too. Then people wouldn’t talk so much.”

  “Carlos needs to finish his education. If he’s with me he’ll think he can get away with anything he wants. A few more years under Ma and Pa’s guidance is what’s best for him.” He stood and grabbed his hat. “Thank you for breakfast. Make a list if you have a chance, and Greg will go to town. I’ll be back a little after noon for something to eat.” He hesitated as though he wanted to say more, but in the end, he put on his hat and left. The sound of his boots and spurs grew fainter as he walked down the steps and onto the dirt.

  “Let’s get you cleaned up.” She wet a cloth and washed Brent’s face. When she was done she set him on the floor with a wooden bowl and spoon to play with. He liked to make music and it kept him busy.

  Cleaning up was easy enough, but she frowned when she looked at the floor. It was scratched and gouged by Juan’s spurs. Even sanding it down wouldn’t get the deeper gouges gone. But she could keep it clean. She grabbed a broom and did her best.

  Laundry needed to be done. She grabbed down the big washtub that hung on the wall and brought it outside. She quickly checked on Brent and then lit a fire in the outside pit. Next she went to the nearby creek and filled two buckets with water. After carrying them back she poured the water into the tub.

  The laundry needed to be brought outside as well as Brent. She could still hear him pounding away at the bowl. It was when there was no noise she’d worry. She brought the dirty clothes out first and then Brent. He fussed when he had to leave his bowl inside. The loud sound could disturb the horses but she let him take the spoon with him.

  After adding lye soap to the water, she then added the clothes. With a big paddle, she stirred them. Next, she’d need some cold water. She lifted Brent up into her arms and grabbed hold of one bucket. She’d need to make a few trips. On her second trip, Greg came and carried the bucket for her.

  Her heart thumped as soon as she saw him. She wasn’t ready to hear what he had to say. If one more person told her she wasn’t welcome, she knew she’d break down. If it was just her, it would be bearable, but she had Brent to consider.

  They walked to the creek in silence and as soon as they got there he stopped and turned toward her. “We have a ranch to build. No one is better with horses then Juan, and I don’t want him hurt.”

  “I don’t plan to hurt him—”

  He put up his hand to silence her. “You might not plan to but you already are. Do you think anyone will buy horses from us when they know you’re living with Juan? It might have been a tough sale with Juan being Mexican, but some believe they are good with horses. I can’t make excuses or explain why you’re here. The whole town will know soon enough and while we do have an Army order, we’ll need more sales than that to grow larger. I’m not trying to be mean. I know you’re a good person and Juan is crazy about you but I’m just telling you the way of it. Living here and working for him will be seen as a sin by some people.”

  “I can get the water myself,” she whispered. “I understand, just please go.” She grabbed the bucket from him and with one hand she filled it. Brent thought touching the water fun and he cooed loudly. When she turned back to the path, Greg was gone.

  A tear rolled down her face. She thought Greg would be on Juan’s side. Perhaps warning her away was protecting Juan. No matter, she needed to find another solution, and it wouldn’t be anywhere close.

  She dashed away her tear and carried the bucket and Brent back to the wash. She set Brent down so he could dig in the dirt while she rinsed and wrung out the clothes. It was a lengthy process that she’d had to do when she lived with her parents. Doing it for people who appreciated it somehow made it different. It wasn’t the world’s worst chore; it was something she didn’t mind doing for the people she cared about.

  Her stomach clenched and twisted as she thought about Greg’s speech. He was right. She did need to leave Juan alone. Soon enough he’d realize his mistake and then he’d feel bound to provide them with shelter. Certainly his parents wouldn’t agree with the relationship.

  She’d finished wringing out the last item of clothing when she noticed that Brent was gone. Fear filled her as she looked around the house. He wasn’t there. Next she checked the barn and there he was crawling around, following Juan.

  She closed her eyes for a moment and sighed. Then she quickly whisked Brent up and began to hurry away.

  “He crawled all this way!” Juan said with excitement in his voice.

  “Well he’s pretty fast at it. I’m sorry he got in your way.” She didn’t wait for a reply. Instead she hurried to the house. She was going to miss him something fierce.

  “It’s naptime little one. I can’t believe you crawled to the barn. You’ve made such strides in the last month. I’m very proud of you.” She set him down on the bed and put a pillow next to him in case he suddenly rolled over. He settled down quickly, and his eyes closed. Quietly, she slipped out and closed the door.

  She quickly sliced the ham and put it inside the cut open biscuit. She made six of them hoping it was enough for Juan to eat. Then she hurried outside and began to hang the wash up on the clothesline.

  From behind, she heard footsteps coming toward her and she stiffened, knowing it was Juan.

  “Coming in to eat?” he asked.

  She didn’t look at him. “No, I’m not all that hungry, but I fixed you something.” She could feel the heat of his eyes on her, but she made herself stand with her back to him. He stood there for what seemed like forever before she heard the thud of his boots and the jingle of his spurs. She didn’t relax until he was inside the house.

  He was in there for a while, and she was glad he didn’t expect to talk to her. It must be time for him to go back to work. She waited, but he was still in the house. When she was done hanging clothes, she cleaned out the big tub, put out the fire, and stacked everything that needed to go back into the house by the steps. Then she sat down.

  She’d sit until he went back to work or Brent woke up.

  “I need to talk to you,” Juan said.

  Startled, she jumped. She hadn’t heard the door open. She might as well face him. He knew she had to go just as much as she did. She stood and turned. He was no longer at the open door. She climbed the steps and went inside then closed the door behind her.

  There he stood, staring at her. He looked her up and down, taking her all in, and it made her nervous. He stared at her again with a look of need in his eyes. He took a big step toward her and ended up so close he almost touched her.

  “Juan–”

  He lowered his head and kissed her. It was almost as though she’d never been kissed before. She felt excitement throughout her whole body, and it felt right. He lifted his head and stared into her eyes. What he saw she had no idea but he pulled her toward him and held her close, rocking her from side to side. He stroked her back, telling her it would be fine.

  He was one of the few who’d ever tried to comfort her, and it wasn’t long before the tears started. Almost no one else had ever bothered to try to help her or make her feel better. Swallowing hard, she blinked until she stopped her tears and pulled back until he let her go.

  “I already know. It’s goodbye. I’ll be out of your house as soon as I can.”

  His brown eyes grew wide. “What are you talking about? You’re not leaving.”

  She stared at the floor. “I would never allow anything to get in the way of your dream or your success. You’re going to have a big horse ranch, and I know people will come from all over just to buy horses you trained.”

  “What has that got to do with you leaving?” He put his finger under her chin and lifted her face until she looked at him.


  “It’s just common sense. No one will buy from you if they know I’m here.” She didn’t want to talk about it anymore.

  “I already have contracts for the next two years. I can provide for you and Brent.” He gazed at her, and he scowled. “What’s the real reason you’re leaving?”

  “I don’t want to tell you.”

  “What did Greg say to you?” His voice started getting louder.

  “Shh, don’t wake Brent. Juan, he has your best interest at heart. It’s better I leave as soon as I can make arrangements. You’re the best man, I know and I don’t want to have my heart ripped out if I stay only to have you turn me away. I—”

  He moved quickly and took her into his embrace again. She could feel the strength of his arms and the hardness of his muscled chest. She trembled as he kissed her again. This time the kiss was much longer and deeper, and she should have pushed him away again, but she wanted to have this memory of him.

  They were both breathing hard when he finally stepped back.

  “You don’t want to leave. I can feel it.”

  “You might be right, but life isn’t about what we want. It’s about what we must do. I refuse to be held responsible when your dreams start to crumble. It’s Greg’s dream too. He makes a lot of sense.”

  “Sonia, Greg is richer than—well he’s loaded. The ranch will grow.”

  She shook her head. “You wouldn’t take money from Greg if the horses weren’t selling. It’s for the best, Juan.”

  He glanced away and then gave her a hardened look. “It’s because I’m Mexican. You’re afraid we’ll end up being intimate, and you’ll end up with a part Mexican baby.” He breathed out loudly as pain flashed in his eyes. “I understand.” He turned and walked out the door.

  He never gave her a chance to deny it. God please help me, help us. I know I have to leave. I just don’t want him thinking I’d judge him because his skin is different from mine.

  She needed to stay busy. She tidied up the papers Juan had. It looked as though he hadn’t had time to read them. The local periodical usually was full of gossip, and she didn’t need to read about how much people despised her. She turned one over and saw ads placed on the back page. Ads for mail order brides.