Virgin

by Georgia Le Carre

  “Not sure yet. They’ll probably want to keep him around a few more days for observation, just to be sure he keeps improving. The trip out here wasn’t easy on him, so he’s got to be a little stronger first.”

  “That’s understandable. And how are you holding up?”

  That’s out of character for Ralph. I can count on two hands the number of times he’s asked me a question like that in the ten years we’ve known each other. Not that he doesn’t care—it’s that he doesn’t know how to show it.

  “I’m fine.”

  “Fine? Bull. Keep up the pace you’re setting, and you’ll be the one in hospital.”

  “This is not about me, Ralph.”

  “The doctors know what they’re doing, Ty. Take a little time to yourself, get some rest.”

  “You don’t know that I’m not getting any rest,” I argue.

  He chuckles. “You act like we’ve never met, like I haven’t known you for ten years.”

  “What the hell does that mean?”

  “It means that when you make up your mind to do something, you go all-in without taking anything else into consideration. That sort of focus is good when it comes to business, and it’s why you’re as good as you are at what you do, but you can’t forget about yourself right now. Your burning the candles on both ends. Your life can’t stop indefinitely.”

  “It won’t be much longer. Only a few days, and we’ll fly back.”

  “All right,” he says, sounding unhappy. That’s not something I can concern myself with right now. It’s not like it’s the first time I’ve made him unhappy with me. His disapproval is something I’ve learned to take in my stride.

  Liam is sitting up in bed when I get back to his room, which is more like a hotel suite. Every aspect of our time at the clinic has been beyond my wildest hopes. He’s put on weight. His color is better. He even has the energy to move around using a walker, though he doesn’t move very far. Still, it’s progress. I only wish Vanessa could’ve come with us, but she couldn’t spend much more time away from work. She’ll be that much more surprised when we get home.

  “How’s Ralph?” he asks with a smile.

  “The same as always and dead chuffed to hear you’re doing so well.”

  “For once, I can say you were right about something,” he admits with a wry grin.

  “For once?” I raise an eyebrow, and we both laugh.

  Then he looks troubled when the laughter fades. “I can’t let you pay for all this without accepting something in return.” He motions around us—the spacious suite with its view of a crystal-clear lake. “This is like a spa. And the treatments? All that cutting edge gene therapy and all these drugs they’re pumping into me? I can’t begin to imagine how much this is putting you out.”

  He’s right about it being expensive. It’s jaw-droppingly, obscenely expensive, but I would do it all again in a heartbeat to know my friend is improving. I smile at him. “I’ve never found anything more worth spending my money on than getting you well enough to break my balls and be a general pain in my ass. Sadly, I can’t think of a single thing I’d rather spend my money on.”

  He opens his mouth and I raise my hand warningly. “End of discussion.”

  Three days later and we’re back in Ireland. The reunion between him and Vanessa leaves me feeling a little misty-eyed. I’ve set him up with an in-house nurse so he can receive round-the-clock assistance, though at the rate he’s improving I doubt he’ll need it for very long.

  When I think back only a few weeks ago and remember how close to death he was, it’s enough to make me believe in miracles. There are no guarantees as to how long he has—but none of us have a guarantee, do we?

  I almost believe I’ll be able to find Izzy again, too. If Liam can have a turn around like this, anything’s possible. Once I’m back in England in a few days, I’ll start the process of finding her. There’s got to be a way, even if I have to take out full-page spreads in every London paper until she notices. A good private investigator should do the trick, though.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow, brother,” I tell him once he’s settled in. Vanessa has hugged me at least ten times since we arrived, and she hugs me once more before I go.

  “None of this would’ve been possible without you,” she weeps against my shoulder.

  “I’m just glad you called.”

  I fly back to England. I get out from the shower and go to sleep. My phone jerks me out of a deep, dreamless sleep. It’s Vanessa. I experience déjà vu for the first time in my life.

  “Hurry. They’ve taken him to hospital,” she gasps into the phone. I sit bolt upright in the pitch darkness, dazed and still half-asleep.

  “What? Why?” I scramble out of bed and pull my clothes together.

  “I don’t know! He wanted a nap. When the nurse tried to wake him for his meds, he wouldn’t wake up!”

  “I’ll be there as soon as I can.” It can’t be true. It can’t be. He was doing well. He had a second chance. There has to be some explanation, something stupid none of us thought of. A reaction to something. The doctors will be able to reverse it. They have to.

  They don’t. He never wakes up again.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Izzy

  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s43sptuwkvA

  Never Give Up

  Charlotte’s honeymoon is over. I’ve been expecting her phone call, but when my phone rings, I jump. The sun is low in the sky and I’m surrounded by balled-up tissue.

  “Jesus, Izzy, Lina just told me what happened. Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “And spoil your honeymoon. Look, I’m all right now. It was just a one-night stand.”

  “Sweetie, I’m bringing over a bottle of wine. We’ll get a takeaway.”

  One look at the mess around me and I have to object. “I don’t know ...”

  “It’s not up for debate, cupcake. I’ll be over in a flash.” I know better than to argue with her. She always gets her way. I force myself off the couch and start tossing handfuls of used tissue into the wastebasket. I clear away the pizza boxes and the Chinese food takeaway cartons.

  When I step into the bathroom to wash my face, the sight of my reflection makes me wince. The puffy eyes, the red, swollen nose. All this over a one-night stand. What an idiot. I splash cold water again and again in the hopes of bringing down the swelling and making myself feel a little more human. He’s just a man. Just a silly man.

  Charlotte agrees with me as she opens the first bottle of wine only minutes later. “He’s just a man, like so many other men. Nothing special.”

  “I guess so,” I say with a shrug, careful to avoid eye contact as I open boxes of good smelling Italian food. It occurs to me that I haven’t eaten since breakfast, and my stomach rumbles in appreciation.

  “You guess? Was he really that good?”

  “Charlotte, please.”

  She swings her auburn hair over one shoulder and fixes me with a steady gaze. “Izzy, be honest with me. Are you really that broken-hearted over him?”

  “I … no … yes, I am.”

  “Oh, sweetie.” She rises up and, coming to sit next to me, pats my knees. “It’ll pass. I promise you that. One day, you’ll find the right guy and you’ll look back on this time and be glad it was not him.”

  “Thanks.”

  She sighs. “I hate to see you hurt. You are such a sweetheart, you don’t deserve this.”

  “For what it’s worth, I hate it, too,” I say with an attempt at a smile. “I just wonder if I did something wrong, is all. Did I fuck it all up?”

  “Sweetie, you didn’t do anything wrong. He was just not the guy for you. The most important thing is you enjoyed your first time. Some relationships are over in a night. They come, they go, but they have a purpose. You needed to throw caution to the wind and enjoy yourself. Which you did. Maybe that’s all it was ever meant to be.”

  I wish I could believe that, but my heart tells me otherwise. How can I explain it to her? Th
e way I felt when our eyes met. Like I understood him better than anybody else. His sense of beauty, his sense of what really mattered in life. There was a depth to him that I could see. And he saw something in me I don’t think any man ever has. At least, that was how it felt. Perhaps the alcohol made me see things that weren’t really there.

  “I shouldn’t have slept with him,” I mutter.

  “But then you wouldn’t even have a good time to look back on. Do you know how lucky you are that your first time was so amazing, with such an experienced man? Most of us have to put up with a fumble and a poke in the dark,” Charlotte reasons. “One day you’ll look back on it and be glad that it happened the way it did. Believe me. You’ll come to appreciate the memory. You said it was incredible, right?”

  A sigh escapes me. “Yeah, it was.”

  “Accept that. And accept that you were two ships passing in the night. You’ll move on, and maybe you’ll be a little wiser. You won’t equate great sex with great love.” She touches her wine glass to mine. “And let’s not forget something.”

  “What’s that?”

  She smirks. “He doesn’t know what he’s missing, the daft prick. His loss.”

  I can’t smile back. She doesn’t understand. It’s my loss. My loss.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Tyson

  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fkLUBxLMMio

  Too Much

  It’s a cold day. Clear, beautiful. Almost like a spring day, come to think of it.

  The sounds of weeping grow fainter, fainter, as the rest of the mourners file away from the gravesite. It’s just me, hands clasped behind my back, standing in the middle of the church cemetery, looking at the casket that holds my best friend’s body. I feel like I’ve aged ten years since that first call from Vanessa. He managed to linger another two days after he went to sleep, but that was the best he could do.

  I stare at the polished casket. Why bother making it so shiny when it’s only going into the ground? I walk up to it. Kneeling next to it, I rest my forehead against the shiny wood. He’s in there. I close my eyes.

  “Everybody thinks I care about the money, like it all went to waste because you died anyway, but you know what? I don’t give a shit about it. I would have spent everything I have for you. If my money had kept you alive for one hour more, it was well spent. So those three weeks … well, that’s better than nothing. I got to tell you what needed to be said, and that has to be enough.”

  My voice breaks. I pause.

  “Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten all our hopes up. I don’t know. It felt like the right thing to do at the time. I still don’t know how it happened—maybe none of us ever will. Maybe that’s the way it’s supposed to be, but I fucking hate it.”

  I stand up and look down.

  “You’ll always be my brother,” I choke out before turning away and walking down the gravel path leading to my car. I drive straight to the airport. My lawyers have already set up an investment fund for Vanessa. She never needs to worry about her old age or pension again. It was the least I could do. Her selfless loyalty to Liam touched me, and I know it would have made Liam happy to know she was taken care of.

  Now, it’s time to go home. Time to find Izzy. It is the only thing that will take my mind off the grief—and the feeling that I failed him.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Tyson

  Two Years Later

  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lnRS3A_iIYg

  Pretty Woman

  Fuck these early morning meetings. The negotiation went well, but having to deal with people first thing in the morning just kills my day. I smile to myself as I get off the elevator of the offices of my latest clients, or soon-to-be clients. They haven’t signed on the dotted line yet, but they will. I can always smell the excitement of a buyer who is desperate for my horse, but thinks that playing it cool is a good strategy to lower my price.

  Sometimes, I want to save them the trouble and tell them I never lower my asking price. I know what I’m selling. It’s worth everything I ask for and more. But other times, I just sit back and watch the drama. It’s a game they love to play. Those stingy bastards would ask for a discount on a bag of fries if they could.

  If it weren’t so ungodly early in the morning, I’d go out for a little celebratory drink. Instead, I need to find somewhere to pick up some chow. I missed breakfast and I’m starving. I know there’s a little hole-in-the-wall café at the end of the next block that do huge fry-ups, so I head in that direction. It’s cold and all around me people in thick coats are hurrying to the next warm place. Not me. I’m in a T-shirt. I love the cold. I even ride bare-chested in the middle of winter.

  I open the door and the smell of coffee and grease hits me. My stomach rumbles.

  The place is small and cozy and boiling hot. It has a hearth along one wall where people can curl their hands around steaming mugs of hot cocoa or coffee and chat quietly. There are two girls there right now, and they look me over with appraising eyes. There was a time, long ago, when I would have flirted right back. Not anymore. I’ve lost my mojo. Not even a lap full of gorgeous blondes could do it for me last week.

  It’s fairly crowded, but I find a table by the window and sit down. A waitress stops by. Her hair is tied back in a messy bun and she looks harassed. I order coffee, the With Everything On It Breakfast, and extra toast.

  She nods and makes a note on her order pad. “You’re hungry. Want black pudding on the side? It’s good.”

  She just earned herself a hefty tip right there. “Why not?”

  “Great. Be right back with your coffee,” she says flashing a big smile.

  I scan the place and people are turning around to watch me. Two years ago they would have turned to look at me because I was a celebrity. Now it’s because I’m a strange fucker with a big beard and long hair. If someone looks at me it’s only because I’m so damn big and bearlike. Ignoring them, I take out my phone. I have one more appointment then I can get back on the road.

  Truth is, I can’t wait to get back to the farm, back to my horses. Dealing with horses is a lot less complicated than interacting with people. Something changed in me when I lost my friend. I understood in a real and material way that life wasn’t endless. I had an expiration date. I lost my taste for the life I used to live, always needing excitement, getting into trouble, getting my picture in the gossip mags. But all that seemed like a waste of time.

  Then once it became clear I was not going to be able to find Izzy, life lost all its color and vibrancy. I felt cheated by life. Everything I loved, wanted, was taken away. I devoted my time to my horses and I became a recluse and a workaholic. Some might even call me obsessed and a little mad.

  There’s a little old-fashioned bell above the front door and it tinkles whenever somebody comes in or goes out. It rings and my eyes dart up from my phone purely out of reflex. And what I see knocks all the air from my lungs.

  Izzy.

  I stare at her, frozen, disbelieving, mesmerized. The one person I’ve always hoped to see and the last person on Earth I ever expected to see again. The amount of times I’ve run up to a woman and turned her around only to be disappointed is too numerous to be counted. It never occurred to me that I would see her here in my old haunt. Especially after both the highly recommended private investigators I hired independently informed me they didn’t even believe she lived in London anymore.

  But here she is, right in front of me, smiling politely, holding open the door for a lady leaving at the same time as she is trying to come in. When the woman goes past she comes inside. Stripping her leather gloves off she rubs her hands together and blows at them through pursed lips. My astonished eyes follow her as she walks up to the counter.

  How many times have I imagined seeing her again?

  How many times have I dreamed this moment?

  But by God, she makes all my dreams and fantasies seem like faded photographs. I stare at the color in her cheeks, the apple green of her eyes, the
blonde strands of hair that have slipped out of her beanie hat. She is like an angel.

  I never believed in miracles before, but this is just too incredible not to be one. What are the chances of running into her in a city of nearly nine million people? The sheer wonder of it gets me out of my chair and sends me over to her. She’s standing in line, presumably to get a cup of coffee to go.

  “Izzy,” I murmur, standing behind her.

  Chapter Twenty

  Tyson

  She jumps and whirls around, her eyes wide with shock. She’s lost weight. At first there is just shock and surprise. Then she looks into my eyes…and recognition. For a fraction of a second I see a flash of a terrible, terrible mixture of sadness and longing. It’s only there for a split second, but I know the look because I’ve seen it in my own reflection whenever I catch sight of myself thinking of her. The longing. Wondering what might have been.

  Then, her eyes go ice cold. She might as well be looking at a lifelong enemy.

  I ignore that. “It’s you. I can’t believe it’s you. Out of the entire city …”

  She nods, eyes moving over my face. “Small world and all that.” There’s something missing from her voice. Warmth. There’s no warmth. She sounds defeated.

  “Look. I can imagine how you must feel about me,” I begin. I called the hotel I was staying at in Paris and the receptionist told me a blonde woman had come looking for me the night I checked out. I knew then she must have had a good reason for not calling me, or turning up at Costa that night. I was furious with myself for not thinking of leaving a message for her at the hotel. At any other time, I would have thought of it, but then with Liam on my mind I guess I wasn’t thinking clearly. I’ve never forgiven myself for that. Never.