With Family In Mind (Saddle Falls Book 1)

by Sharon De Vita

  Jake glanced at Rebecca. “Well, at twelve it seemed really cool.” His smile was faint. “He invited me, Jared and Josh to spend the night in the fort. At twelve, the prospect of camping out overnight on a sleepover with my best bud and my brothers was a guy’s dream.”

  “But he didn’t invite Jesse,” Rebecca said softly, tucking her legs more comfortably under her and sinking deeper into the corner of the couch. Jake had just confirmed everything she’d learned already.

  “No.” He blew out a breath. “Jesse was only five, and probably because he was the youngest, my parents babied him more than us. My parents weren’t really crazy about Jesse sleeping outside at a neighbor’s house, especially since they weren’t going to be home. Jesse had never gone to a sleepover before. Tommy was out of town for the evening, and my parents had to go to some political dinner, so they told me I had to stay home and watch Jesse, that I couldn’t go to Luke’s.”

  “And you were bummed out?” she asked softly.

  Jake nodded. “Big time. I was really looking forward to going. We’d made all these plans.” He grinned suddenly. “There was this girl, Candy Egan. She was the hottest thing in our seventh grade class, and I had a crush on her. Long blond hair, big blue eyes—she was a looker even then. But she didn’t know I was alive.” Sighing, Jake leaned back, willing himself to relax. “She lived only a couple of blocks away, and Luke and I, well, we had these giant water balloons we’d bought in town, and we were going to sneak out during the middle of the night and pelt her bedroom windows.” Turning, he managed a smile. “A twelve-year-old’s idea of romance,” he explained softly, shrugging. “So when my parents said I couldn’t go…” His voice trailed off and he shook his head. “I pitched a royal hissy fit.” Leaning back, Jake stretched his legs out to ease a cramp. He couldn’t ever remember being this tense, but then he’d never talked about that night with anyone before. “I loved my brother, Rebecca. I love all my brothers, but as the oldest, it seemed as if I was the one who always got stuck watching Jesse.”

  “And you resented it?”

  “Yeah.” Regret tinged his words, making her heart ache. She laid a hand on his arm.

  “Jake, you were twelve. It was only natural that you felt some resentment toward your little brother, especially under the circumstances. All kids who have younger siblings go through the same thing.”

  “Yeah, but not all kids have their younger siblings kidnapped.”

  “Kidnapped.” Stunned that he’d said the word aloud, a word that had privately terrorized her for as long as she could remember, Rebecca let it settle in the air for a moment, deciding to come back to it later. She needed to let her own emotions calm right now. “Go on. What happened after you pitched your hissy fit?”

  Jake linked his fingers through hers, needing to feel the warmth of the contact. “My parents wouldn’t let me take Jesse with me to the sleepover, no matter how much I begged. They were worried something would happen or he’d get scared during the night, and since they weren’t going to be home, they decided the only sensible thing was for me to stay home, as well.”

  “But you didn’t stay home, did you?” she prompted softly, glancing at the screen door, where a faint breeze stirred the evening air.

  “No.” Jake shook his head. His face had gone white; his eyes had turned glassy. “We had a nanny. She watched us during the day. Since it was summer, we were home all the time, and my mom, well, she was real involved in my dad’s career. He was planning on running for political office statewide, and needed my mom’s help. So Tommy hired a nanny to take care of us that summer.”

  Rebecca’s heart began a slow, frantic beat and she chose her words carefully, taking her time, making certain her voice was cool and calm. “Was that the first time you’d ever had a nanny?”

  “Yeah. My mom always took care of us. She and my dad didn’t really like having strangers around or in the house. Anyway, that night I had the bright idea to ask why the nanny couldn’t come over and stay with Jesse.” Jake surged to his feet to pace, unable to stay still any longer.

  “So the nanny watched Jesse?” Rebecca asked. Her heartbeat had begun to pound so loudly it echoed in her ears, making her fear he might actually hear it.

  “Yeah.” Jake blew out a breath and continued to pace. “She came over to the house right before we all left.” His head came up suddenly and he stopped pacing, glancing around. “She lived right here. In this house,” he said with some surprise, as if seeing the carriage house for the first time. “I’d almost forgotten.” He’d deliberately forgotten as many of the painful details as he could, not wanting them to torment him.

  “Here?” Rebecca had difficulty getting words past her dry throat. How much would he remember? she wondered fearfully.

  She forced herself to watch him, laying her laced fingers in her lap so he wouldn’t see them trembling. She held her breath, waiting for what he’d say next.

  “Yeah.” He started pacing again, dragging both hands through his hair. “As part of the nanny’s compensation, Tommy let her live here on the ranch. So she was close enough to run over when my mom called.”

  Rebecca shifted on the couch, watching Jake carefully. For so many years she’d blocked out all events of that night, hadn’t remembered or hadn’t wanted to recall anything that had happened. But now, hearing Jake describe the events from his point of view, the scenes slowly started unfolding.

  Her eyes closed, as if she could block the memories. They came anyway. She remembered her mother primping in the mirror that night, putting on her makeup, doing her hair, getting ready to go out for the evening.

  Her mom had told Rebecca she could stay up an extra half hour to read if she didn’t cry about being left alone. Again. When the telephone rang, her mother went to answer it, then came back swearing. She told Rebecca she had to go to the Ryans to watch one of the boys, and Rebecca had to go with her.

  Rebecca remembered she’d been thrilled by the news. It meant she wouldn’t have to stay alone again and she’d finally get to see inside the Ryans’ big house.

  She remembered telling her mother how excited she was, but it was the wrong thing to do. It had only angered Margaret, who was upset with Mrs. Ryan for ruining her plans for the evening.

  Rebecca opened her eyes abruptly. She didn’t want to remember, not now, not with Jake here.

  “As soon as I knew the nanny was coming over, I took off for Luke’s, anxious to get out of there before my mother changed her mind,” he was saying. His steps slowed and his eyes glazed over, as if he was reliving the scene all over again. “Jesse was crying when I left,” he added softly. The anguish in his eyes almost broke her heart. “He wanted to come with me, Rebecca, but I wouldn’t let him.” His voice was achingly sad, making her want to weep. Jake walked to the door, stared out the screen into the darkness. “I never saw him again,” he whispered, his voice breaking.

  Oh God, she wasn’t certain she could handle this, wasn’t certain she could watch the agony he was going through as her own guilt ate away at her.

  “Jake.” Rebecca went to him, laid a comforting hand on his back. Tension ran through him like an electrical wire and his body was rigid, but she could hear the pain, the regret, in his voice, and knew he was barely holding on, barely in control. “It wasn’t your fault.”

  “Yes, it was.” He didn’t bother to turn around as his fists clenched unconsciously at his sides. “If I had stayed with Jesse that night, maybe this wouldn’t have happened.”

  “You can’t know that, Jake,” she said quietly, wishing she could do something to take away his pain and ease his burden.

  “I was selfish, and because of it, my brother disappeared.” The gut-wrenching agony in his voice brought tears to her eyes. “I’ve had to live with that for twenty years.”

  For too long he’d lived with the guilt, the anguish, blaming himself for something he wasn’t responsible for. The futility of it all, of the pain Jake bore for something he couldn’t help, made Rebe
cca’s stomach tense and her head ache. How much damage had her mother caused?

  The knowledge that it might have been her mother who had been responsible for the pain radiating from Jake in waves, for the torture and heartbreak the entire Ryan family had endured for so many years because of Jesse’s disappearance, brought untold shame and pain to Rebecca.

  “I have to go.” His voice was oddly gruff as he made a move to push the screen door open.

  “Jake.” She laid a hand on his arm to stop him, not knowing what to say or do. She’d never had the experience or the opportunity to comfort someone she cared for, because she’d never allowed herself to care for anyone, had never allowed anyone to matter.

  But Jake mattered, she realized suddenly. He mattered a great deal.

  She knew she couldn’t let him leave like this, not when he was so torn up inside. When his emotions were in tatters along with his heart. She had to do something.

  “Don’t.” The one word came out a desperate plea, causing him to turn to her. She lifted her gaze to his, tears trembling on her lashes as she laid a gentle hand on his chest. “Please don’t go,” she whispered, half in prayer, unable to blink away the tears that swam in her eyes at the raw pain he was experiencing.

  He looked at her for a long moment, emotions churning inside of him, emotions that burned so hot and fierce they frightened him.

  “Rebecca, I shouldn’t be here with you right now.” She could see his inner struggle, could see the battle he was waging with himself. And admired him for it.

  Jake seemed to represent all the honor and goodness she’d never had. All the things she’d always wanted, yearned for, but thought she didn’t deserve because of who she was and who her mother had been.

  In spite of that, with her feelings so raw and so real right now, she couldn’t detach herself from him, couldn’t pull away any more than she could sprout wings and fly.

  She needed him, needed his strength, his comfort, his touch in the same way she needed air to breathe. But more importantly, she needed to give him her strength, her comfort, her love.

  It might be all she could ever offer him. The thought brought a sharp ache to her heart, but she knew, for now, it would have to be enough.

  “Jake.” She took a step closer, stood on tiptoe, pressed a gentle kiss to his lips. “Please stay.”

  “Rebecca.” Her name came out a strangled groan as he grabbed her in his arms, crushing his mouth to hers in a deep, punishing kiss.

  Her heartbeat began to shudder in an odd rhythm as she lifted her hands to his face, to press kisses everywhere she could reach, murmuring his name.

  Half-crazed with desire for her and the emotions churning inside him, Jake scooped her up off the floor, kicking the front door shut behind him as he headed toward the small bedroom.

  She was kissing him everywhere—on his neck, his cheek, his jaw. Her hands clung to the front of his sweater, tugging at it, cursing the barrier that kept him from her.

  He didn’t bother to turn off the light, but tumbled her onto the small bed, following her down, pressing his body on top of hers. His mouth covered hers, danced, teased, savored and enjoyed, until she was moaning softly, arching against him, as if wanting to ease the ache that had started the moment he’d touched her the first time.

  With one quick movement, he slid his hand to the belt of her silk wrap and tugged, revealing her entire body.

  “You’re beautiful,” he whispered in awe, bending to kiss a heated path from her mouth down her neck and torso to her navel, pressing soft, damp kisses around the curve of her breasts until she was clawing at his clothes, moaning his name.

  There was no awkwardness, no embarrassment. Rebecca reveled in his touch, his kisses, his gaze as he caressed every bare inch of her.

  Frantic now, she tugged at his sweater, yanking it over his head so she could touch his bare skin, feel it warm against her. It was pure contentment, fulfillment like she’d never imagined, never known.

  “Jake, please,” she moaned, breathless and urgent at the need that seemed to be driving her into a frenzy. Feelings exploded everywhere he touched, sensations that dizzied and delighted her, reactions she’d never even imagined were possible.

  “Jake.” She cried out his name again as his mouth closed over her breast, making her clutch at his hair and gasp for air. She shut her eyes briefly, the feeling so exquisite she wasn’t certain she could bear the pleasure.

  Jake’s blood roared in his ears, driving him onward. He was wild with need, crazed with desire for her. The scent of her sweet, fragrant skin was driving him mad and he felt as if he would explode.

  He unsnapped his jeans and kicked off his boots in one fluid motion, his eyes never leaving hers. She lay naked, looking up at him with an expression so soft, so open it went straight to his heart. There was no detachment here, no coolness now.

  Only heat and warmth and welcome.

  Moved beyond measure, his heart almost bursting with happiness, he framed her face with his hands, lowered his mouth gently to hers as he lowered his body. Slowly, he pressed into her, saw her eyes widen with a bit of fear and perhaps shock. And it hit him like the snap of a whip: she was a virgin.

  He wanted to go slow, to be gentle, to take his time, but her arms were around his neck now, her body arching up to meet his, her words soft, seductive, encouraging him, urging him on.

  It was too late to stop, too late to think. He could only feel the torrential flood of need that drove him higher and higher as he slid slowly into her, desperately holding back, afraid to hurt her with the intensity of his desire.

  Sweat slicked his body and tightened his muscles as he slowly pushed farther into her, waiting for her body to accept him, to stretch and surround him. Lowering his head, he groaned softly, then moaned her name, drowning in the mere pleasure of being inside of her. It was bliss, pure bliss to sink into her silky softness, to feel her close around him like a snug, perfect glove.

  Jake’s eyelids closed for a moment, and he held himself perfectly still, letting her get used to him, praying he wouldn’t lose control, wouldn’t hurt her.

  “Jake, please?” Her soft plea arrowed straight to his loins, and he bent his head to devour her mouth as he thrust slowly, deeply into her accepting warmth.

  She reached for him, grabbing his shoulders, pulling him down so she could cover his mouth with hers, wanting to feel him everywhere.

  Their tongues touched, tangled in an age-old dance as she dug her nails deeper into his shoulders, begging for more, for release from this incredible, unbearable pressure that made her feel beautiful, wanted, loved.

  She wrapped herself tighter around him as he began to move, thrusting in and out with a frenzy that made her breathless, deaf and blind to everything but the heat and pulse of her body as he fed it, awakened it, satisfied it.

  A gasp shuddered out of her as he took her over the first crest, and as the world fell away she all but screamed his name and clung to him, fearing if she didn’t she might fall off.

  Pleasure radiated through her, touching every nerve ending, awakening her body as never before. There was so much pleasure, so many feelings! She couldn’t analyze them right now, simply wanted to savor and enjoy them.

  “Rebecca.” Her name ripped from him, a husky moan, as Jake thrust harder, faster, plunging deeper into her, wanting only to satisfy this need for her that burned like an inferno, incinerating everything inside of him.

  Rebecca clung to him, moving with him, as she climbed the peak again and they went over the top together.

  Jake lay on his back, staring at the ceiling, dazed and all but drained. He’d never experienced anything like what had just happened with Rebecca. Never.

  He’d always considered himself a fairly civilized man, especially when it came to women. Vividly aware of his size, he made a point of being gentle, careful. But all thought had gone out of his head the moment he’d touched Rebecca.

  Absently, he stroked the back of her head, felt the silk o
f her hair, wondering if he’d hurt her. It had never occurred to him that he would be her first lover. That both pleased and startled him.

  Now he understood why she was so skittish with him. She’d had no experience to speak of, at least none that was evident. He felt both honored and humbled that he’d been her first and her only.

  How could she think she could just ignore or walk away from this? From him? And what they’d just had together?

  The experience they’d shared, the feelings that had engulfed them, were much more than physical, way more. He could no more walk away from her now than he could from his family.

  She was part of him, a part he never thought he’d have again. A woman he could trust enough to let into his life, his heart, his world.

  Overcome by the strength of the moment and what he was feeling, Jake sighed in contentment, just savoring the fact of her soft, feminine body atop his.

  “You okay?” he asked quietly, letting his hand drift down the slope of her shoulders, stroking gently. He couldn’t believe that just touching her was arousing him again. He should have been sated, satisfied after what they’d just shared, but found desire growing again.

  He continued stroking, letting her get used to the touch of his hand. He planned to have it on her frequently. Her skin was so soft, so delicate…. Hefrowned suddenly, wondering if he’d left marks on her.

  “Rebecca?” he said when she didn’t answer. Concerned, he lifted his head to look at her. She smiled against his chest and groaned something unintelligible.

  He chuckled, adjusting his long frame more comfortably beneath her. Immediately, his body began to respond again. “What was that, Slick?”

  Somehow she managed to find the energy to lift her head. It felt like it weighed a ton. She felt such a sense of peace and contentment, she didn’t want to move.

  Ever.

  Rebecca made a determined effort to speak, wincing against the brightness of the lamp she’d never even noticed was on. “I’m fine,” she finally managed to murmur, deciding talking required too much energy. She laid her head back down on his chest, nestling closer for warmth. “Just fine…” she said dreamily, her voice softly muffled against his heart.