Crowned with Guilt

by S. K. Rose

  “Did you just call me a prince?” His cheeks are rosy red, and his breathing is heavy, like he’s just run a mile. He looks at me curiously with a small smile on his face.

  “No. . . well, okay, yes. I thought you were one—just for a second, though.” I shake my head, embarrassed that I admitted it out loud.

  Now the uninvited guest is laughing at me.

  Rude.

  “Don’t laugh!” I yell crossly. His mouth slams shut, but he’s still laughing with his eyes. I cross my arms over my chest and give him my angriest look.

  “I’m sorry, I’ve never been called a prince before, but I think I kind of like it.” In the blink of an eye, he’s back up on his feet, and the branches above pull and snag at his hair. Squaring his shoulders, he folds his right arm over his chest and gives me a proper little bow. “At your service, milady!”

  Trying hard not to laugh at his silliness, I roll my eyes instead. “You are so not a prince. A prince wouldn’t ever be as dirty as you are.” I point my finger right at his nose and then move it in a little circle to show that I mean all of him is very dirty. With that, he looks down and around at his dirty arms and clothes, shrugs, and returns to sitting across from me.

  “I was actually just on a dangerous mission, fighting a terrifying fifty-foot tall giant. You try staying clean when you’re dodging great, big Giant fists. Sheesh.” He punches his fists through the air, showing me exactly what he was up against. My hands fly to my face, trying to hide my squeaky giggles.

  I squish my lips together and make a serious face. “Well, Prince, thank you for protecting the land—and welcome to my castle.” I spread my arms out, hoping he’s at least a little impressed.

  I mean, it’s pretty awesome in here if I do say so myself.

  He looks around slowly, brushing away a flop of blond hair that has fallen over his eyes, and nods. “It’s cool, actually, that you have your very own secret castle. Wow. Hey, wait, doesn't that make you a princess?” His eyes shine brighter with excitement and it’s impossible not to smile, too. I look at him closely, and I’m surprised when I see he’s looking back at me, right into my eyes, waiting for my answer.

  Mama and Daddy look at me sometimes, but it’s like I’m a window and they can only see through me. Not him, though. This green-eyed boy looks at me and it’s like someone really sees me for the first time. My whole body starts to feel warm, the same way it feels when I’m in a patch of sunlight, soaking up heat like a sponge. It feels. . . nice.

  The warmth spreads up to my cheeks and I slowly nod. “I guess it does, so that would make me Princess Tessa, and you would be the Giant-slaying Prince— ”

  “Andrew,” he states proudly with a cheesy grin and a thumb to his chest.

  Not once has he frowned at the holes in my shoes like my neighbor Camila does. Not once has he looked at me like an icky bug on his shoe like Mama does. Not once has he yelled at me for my “fairytale nonsense” like Daddy does.

  He’s happy, and nice to me, and I need to know everything about him.

  “Prince Andrew,” I say it to myself, and find that I love the way his name sounds coming off my tongue.

  This shiny boy is not like anyone I’ve ever met.

  Andrew reaches out and nudges my shoe with his. “So, I was sitting up on the brick wall when I heard noises coming from the other side. I looked down, and that’s when I saw you. The noises were, well. . . are you okay?” he asks, his head slightly tilted, making his blond bangs fall right back into his eyes.

  I shrug, not knowing what to say.

  I can’t help but feel like I’m just some dark, stormy cloud that has come across a bright and shiny sun. Maybe I should tell him to go away so I don’t accidentally block out his happy sunshine.

  Instead of asking him to leave, I take a long look up at the picture hanging above me.

  “It’s my birthday today,” I say, letting out a big breath.

  “Really? It was just my birthday last week! Well, me and my sister. Dad got me a remote-controlled monster truck, Mom baked us a huge cake, oh, and then we had a huge party and all our friends came ov—” He sees the tears before I can wipe them away.

  “If it’s your birthday today, then why are you out here alone? Locked away like some kind of Rapunzel?”

  I smile a little at his fairytale talk, but look away toward the brick wall. “Mommy is sleeping and is very mad at me. I know when she wakes up I’ll be in big trouble. And Daddy has gone away somewhere again ‘cause Mama said I scared him away. We were supposed to go to the zoo today for my b-birthday, but he must be really mad at me, ‘cause he pinky promised, and I just know they had some of the bad sugar that always makes them mean and hurt me, or f-forget about me, and. . . ” I’m babbling like a baby while tears roll down my cheeks again.

  The castle goes quiet and I just know I’ve scared my prince away. I listen to the wind shaking the leaves before turning my head to check if he’s truly gone. But Prince Andrew’s still looking at me with those big green eyes. His eyebrows are scrunched up and something in his face has changed a little. I’m suddenly very worried that he doesn’t know there are sad little girls like me. Maybe he only knows about happy people, happy homes, and happy families. Maybe with my words I’ve broken my prince a little. The horrible thought makes me cry even harder. Through blurry tears, I see him scoot over until he’s right next to me.

  “So how old did you turn today, Princess Tessa?” He's trying to distract me from crying. I’m not dumb. I have to answer though, ‘cause his voice sounds all cloudy, sadder than before, and I hate that.

  Using the back of my hand I wipe away my tears. “I turned eight today.”

  “Really?” I hear the sunshine back in his voice again, and I relax. “That’s how old I turned, too!” He looks thoughtful for a moment. “I’m only older than you by a little bit. Well, me and my twin.”

  “You have a twin?” I gasp. I’ve only ever read about twins in books, never have I met one in real life. The uninvited prince becomes more and more interesting with every new thing I learn.

  “Yeah, but she can be really annoying. She left this morning to spend school break with our grandparents. I have all the toys, and our room to myself for two whole weeks,” he says happily.

  “Wow.” I sniff. I always wanted a brother or sister. Someone to play and share secrets with.

  “Yeah, it’s alright, I guess. Hey, I have an idea, I’ll be right back, Tess! Don’t you move!” And in the blink of an eye, he’s gone.

  Tess? He gave me a nickname? I smile to myself and wait for my prince to come back. Maybe this won’t be such a bad day after all.

  ʢ ʢ ʢ

  It feels like he’s gone forever. I start to think that maybe he isn't coming back, or that maybe he was never here and I imagined the whole thing—like those times when Mama turns into a dragon.

  I close my eyes and listen for the different bird sounds, something I have always loved to do. Birds chirping back and forth, it’s like they are all having happy little conversations with each other, and I like trying to figure out what they could be saying. Sometimes I even imagine I’m a bird or a butterfly—something with wings so I can fly away.

  “Earth to princess!” My eyes fly open and I see him sitting by me as if he never left.

  How did I not hear him come in? Looking down, I see that he has several things piled on his lap. “Sorry, I had to be sneaky. Mom would have a cow if she saw me taking even more.”

  Giving me a funny, crooked smile, he hands me a plate with the biggest slice of chocolate cake I have ever seen, covered in green frosting and colorful sprinkles. There’s a small stick stuck directly in the middle of it. Confused, I raise my eyebrows and look up at him.

  “Sorry it’s not a candle,” he rushes out. “Mom says I’m not allowed to play with candles anymore. So dumb! It’s not like I was trying to light her hair on fire.” He’s kind of cute when he looks embarrassed. “But everyone should have cake on their birthday.” He sh
rugs and smiles up at me.

  Knowing that if I open my mouth, I will burst into tears again, I slowly nod and take the plate he’s holding out to me. There’s still something in his lap. A giant hardcover book with lots of animals drawn on the cover. My eyes widen and I can’t help but stare. All my books are paperback, and half of them don’t even have covers anymore, let alone look so beautiful, so perfect.

  Grinning, he flips it around for me to see it better. “This is actually my sister’s, but she’s never even looked at it, so she won’t notice it’s gone.” He looks down at the ground instead of me. “I mean, it’s not better than actually seeing animals at the zoo, but, well, I want you to have it for your birthday.” His ears turn a little red as he talks.

  I set the cake down next to me, take the book in my hands, and run my fingers slowly over the smooth cover. Without thinking, I spring my whole body forward and wrap my arms around Andrew’s neck, the book becoming sandwiched between us. Instead of telling me I’m gross, or that I have cooties, he hugs me right back. He smells like fresh dirt and cinnamon. He’s warm like an oven, and it might be the best hug I’ve ever had. After letting him go, I sit back down and watch as he snatches the cake up and holds it to my face.

  “Okay, princess, make a wish and blow out your candle!”

  I wish this day would never end.

  As the air warms around us and the sun gets higher in the sky, we share chocolate cake, and Prince Andrew reads to me from my new book. We do our best to pronounce the hard science words, and we laugh at silly photographs. Eventually, we hear his mom yelling for him, but not before he promises to visit the very next day.

  The uninvited prince became my very best friend.

  My only friend.

  It was the best birthday I ever had.

  Chapter 3

  ─────

  Ten Years old

  I stare at the clock on the wall, waiting for the bell to ring and for class to finally be over. As much as I love the book Mrs. Lana is currently reading, Andrew will be waiting for me and I can’t be late—not today. Staring at the small hand ticking the seconds by, I think back to the past few years and wonder how they flew by so fast.

  Daddy still hasn’t come home. Sometimes, I cry myself to sleep wondering why he’s still mad at me, but Mom never brings it up and I try hard not to think about it. Aside from Andrew, my classwork has been a good distraction from making me think too much about him. I was thankful that when I turned nine, Mom finally put me back in school. She said it was because she wanted me “out of her hair”, but I think it was the angry policewoman who came by that made her do it. The best part is that during that year, Andrew and I played school so much with his old workbooks that I didn’t have to repeat a grade, and boy did my new teacher seem surprised by how much I already knew.

  The ringing bell kicks me out of my thoughts. I run most of the way home, only stopping when I almost collide with Camila.

  “Watch it, cochina!” she snaps as I fly past. I’m not sure what that Spanish word means, but by the way she scrunches up her nose in disgust every time she says it, I know it isn’t anything nice. I stick out my tongue at her back, but continue on my way at a fast walk rather than a run.

  Opening the front door, I immediately hear noises coming from the kitchen. I take a few more steps and turn to see an image that makes me want to scrub my eyes with soap. Mom is being bent over the counter by one of her friends, I think his name is Trent, they are both sweaty and completely naked.

  I don’t know exactly what they are doing, but I know I shouldn’t be seeing it, as it’s making my stomach do nervous flips. Mom’s face is turned away as she makes strange noises, and for a second, I wonder if maybe she’s crying. Trent sees me right away, but puts a finger up to his lips, motioning for me to stay quiet. He takes a minute to let his eyes travel slowly from my face and down my body in a way that makes me feel even more nauseous. With a grin he licks his lips and blows me a kiss as he pushes against my mom over and over. Swallowing down the throw-up that’s trying to force its way up my throat, I turn and run.

  My whole body burns with shame, and when I reach the glass door, I open it as quietly as possible and slip outside to the backyard. I throw open the sheet that has now become our ‘castle door’, rush inside, and fall to my knees trying to catch my breath.

  Andrew is already here, but looks up in surprise when I rush in. Before either of us can say a word, his arms are around me. The warmth from his body helps, but the horrible image is still torturing me.

  “Where did she hurt you?” His worried voice is right next to my ear.

  “N-nowhere. She didn’t hurt me today, I’m fine,” I whisper into his shirt.

  Taking me by my shoulders, he pushes me slowly away, his eyes looking everywhere on my skin for a new bruise or mark. “What happened?” he finally asks.

  “Nothing. I saw my mom with someone, a-and. . . Please, don't make me talk about it,” I beg.

  Not today, I don’t want to cry today of all days.

  With sadness swimming in his green eyes, he nods. “Only if you promise you’re not hurt.”

  “I promise,” I say softly.

  Reaching toward my face, he wipes away the few tears on my cheek with his thumb. “You ready then?” he asks.

  I nod, and the next thing I know, we both have a slice of birthday cake in our hands, and as is our tradition, mine has a little stick poking out from the middle. He flashes me the crooked smile that I love. “Now hurry up and eat so I can give you your birthday present.”

  “Okay, okay, don’t rush me.” I shakily suck in a bunch of air and pretend to blow out the stick. Scrunching my eyes closed for a couple seconds, I make a wish about Andrew, me, and our happily ever after.

  “Your mom still doesn’t let you have candles, does she?” I give a small smile when he groans in response.

  “She says her hair never grew back right in the spot I accidentally burned, but it looks fine to me. Every time I even mention a candle or fire, her eyes get all scary.” He does a fake shudder that makes me laugh, and already I start to feel the shame and disgust melt away. We eat our cake in silence, but once I’ve taken my last bite the paper plate is quickly snatched away.

  “Present time!” He smiles big, and like always, I can’t help but smile right back. I cross my legs and put my hands in my lap to show that I’m ready. He turns his back to me and drags out something very large with a flat top from the back of the castle. It’s covered with one of the old floor blankets we don’t use anymore, so I can’t see what’s underneath.

  “Okay, I’m gonna count to three and throw off the blanket, you ready?”

  I nod excitedly and gasp when my birthday gift is revealed.

  Sitting between us is a plastic bin, but not just any ordinary old bin. On the side facing me there’s a bright painting of a knight in armor fighting off a fire-breathing dragon. Above the colorful picture it reads Castle Library. My eyes grow wide as I take in all the little details in the painted scene.

  Thoughts of my mom and Trent completely fade into the back of my mind, but they’ll be back. Replaying over and over in many nightmares to come.

  Andrew pops off the lid and inside I find all my books neatly organized as well as a brand new one sitting on top. Lifting out the book, I read the cover out loud, “Eragon?”

  “It’s about dragons, and you are gonna love it,” he says proudly. “It’s supposed to be for older kids, but we can read it together and figure out the hard words.” His excitement for us to begin a new reading adventure is contagious.

  “Thank you, Andrew, this is just perfect.” I arrange our new library to one side of the castle and admire the artwork again. It’s beautiful.

  “I was worried about your books getting messed up with them being outside all the time. I’m glad you like it. Oh, I brought you some dinner for later, a sandwich and some chips.”

  I always wonder how he sneaks me so much food without getting into trou
ble, but I’m too scared to ask, worried that he might decide not to bring me anymore. I’ve gotten used to not being hungry all the time.

  I drag over a chair cushion to use as a pillow, gently pick up my new book, and flop down. Andrew starts to lie next to me, but shoots back up. “Oh wait!” He grabs the Polaroid camera that hangs from a nearby branch and then lies down next to me. He holds it up so the camera faces us and we give big, goofy smiles as it clicks and takes our picture. When the photo pops out, he scribbles something on the white strip at the bottom and then sticks it carefully through a sharp branch above us. We wait a few minutes and watch as the black photo slowly changes colors and we see our smiling faces. Just below the photo, in messy handwriting, it reads, “Tessa’s 10th Birthday.”

  Lying side by side, I watch Andrew as he looks up at the newest addition to our ceiling. His green eyes shine with happiness and I take a minute to look at him. He’s the most beautiful boy I have ever seen. I quietly grab the Polaroid and snap a picture of him. He looks over only when he hears the click of the camera. He doesn’t say anything, just reaches over and tucks a strand of hair behind my ear like he always sees me do. My heart feels funny, moving around in my chest like a fish trying to flop on land.

  “Happy Birthday, Princess,” he says.

  I wonder if this is the love they always talk about in the fairytales we read. I guess all I know for sure is that I never, ever want to be without him, and that’s enough. Laying my head closer to his shoulder, Andrew picks up my new book, turns to the first page, and begins to read.

  “Wind howled through the night, carrying a scent that would change the world. . .”

  While listening to his soft voice, I see something white flash by above us. At the top of the brick wall, a small, white butterfly flits around, landing only for a second on a leaf. Rather than interrupt the story, I watch it quietly for a few more seconds until it disappears. My heart feels full, like something special has happened, but I can’t figure out what. It was just a butterfly, after all.