Crowned with Guilt

by S. K. Rose

  My father is yanking him through the backyard, the child version of myself is weeping and begging, my brave prince is trying to fight off my drunk father. I see the boy I love fly through the air and land with a sickening thud on the concrete.

  Unbearable pain overflows from my heart, spilling into my chest, and threatening to force its way up my throat. I feel everything.

  As if Andrew hasn’t been dead for five fucking years.

  I attempt to catch my breath as I clutch my chest in agony. Blurry shapes hovering over me begin to flicker in and out of existence. I worry for a moment that I’m going blind. There’s a loud ringing in my ears, and I faintly hear someone far away screaming my name.

  I need to do something—anything—to shield myself from remembering the worst day of my life, so I curl into a ball and slam my hands over my ears.

  I know that face. I used to think of that face every single night while I cried myself to sleep. I’m not crazy! I would never forget that fucking face. Drew? Andrew? Drew is. . . Andrew? Andrew is Drew?

  No! Andrew is dead, fucking dead! But Drew?

  An. . . Drew?

  Fucking Drew is Andrew?

  B-but Andrew is dead!

  I’m not crazy. Am I crazy?

  I AM NOT CRAZY.

  ANDREW IS FUCKING DEAD. Andrew is fucking dead.

  My Andrew is dead?

  He’s dead I watched him die. HE’S DEAD. PLEASE GOD STOP THIS PAIN—Please god stop this pain. Please. Please.

  PLEASE GOD. Please god make it stop.

  Please. . .

  I wail and pull at my hair in desperation of clarity.

  Everything around me darkens and I see nothing; hear nothing. The ringing has stopped. The pain has stopped. I reach out to my returned prince.

  Certainly, he’s come back.

  He’s come back to save his princess.

  This is the last clear thought I have before everything goes black.

  ʢ ʢ ʢ

  Blinding lights startle me awake. Cracking open my eyes, I notice I’m surrounded by light blue curtains.

  I’m in a fucking hospital, aren’t I?

  I look down, and sure enough, I have on a paper gown, I’m in a metal bed, and—oh boy! There’s a nifty little IV sticking out of my arm.

  Fuck.

  Mary-Elizabeth is sitting in a chair next to me. She’s bent forwards with her head in her hands. I look at her for a moment with a weak smile. She looks terrible. Her normally ironed clothes are all wrinkly, mascara is smeared onto her cheeks, and strands of pink hair fly every which way.

  “What’s a bitch gotta do to get some proper clothes around here?” I croak out.

  Her head shoots up and I see tears of relief building in her tired eyes. “Tessa don’t you ever scare me like that again. I swear to God, I thought you were dying and I didn’t know what to do.” She continues on babbling with tears streaming down her face, “It would be just my luck that I went and made a friend at my new school and she’s gonna fucking die on me. And, oh, my God, Tessa, I don’t know what I would have done! I was so worried about you.” She finally takes a shaky breath and goes quiet.

  “Blossom did you just say, ’fucking’?” I ask, suppressing a laugh.

  “Yes, that’s how worked up and worried you’ve got me. I’ve lowered myself to speaking like a heathen.” She huffs, blowing a piece of hair out of her face. I chuckle and shake my head.

  I groan loudly as I realize that I yelled, fainted, and made a huge scene in the school hallway. I’ve officially scratched off rule number two: no attention whoring.

  “Motherfu—”

  “Ah, Miss Kinsley, I see you’re awake. The pink girl refuses to leave your side. But I have to ask, are your parents around? We haven't been able to find a working number to let them know what happened.” The plump nurse bustles around the bed to check my vitals as I clutch the sheet and shake my head no, looking away.

  “So, who is taking care of you right now, dear?” She gives me a sympathetic smile as she waits for my answer. I need to come up with a good lie, and fast.

  Shit. Fuck. Balls. Why didn’t I have something already prepared?

  “She’s actually been staying with me and my family,” I hear Beth offer up. She must have seen the flash of fear in my eyes and come to a newfound realization.

  “Yeah, just for a few months while my aunt is out of the country,” I add quickly, relief washing over me. I know for a fact it wouldn't end well for this nurse to find out I’m homeless. Even though I’m just barely underage, she would call CPS in a heartbeat.

  The nurse nods her head, jots something down in her notes, and shuffles out to get me some food.

  Twenty awkward minutes of silence later, a doctor strides in and begins looking over the clipboard he snatched up from the end of my bed.

  “Hello, Tessa, my name is Dr. Beldrow. How are you feeling?” he asks warmly. Dr. Beldrow has a trim graying beard, a balding head, and light blue eyes that hide behind bulky glasses.

  “Like shit,” I respond, shrugging. Beth makes a strangled sound in her throat, informing me she doesn’t approve of my sophisticated hospital etiquette. She’ll survive.

  “Well, that doesn’t surprise me, you were dangerously dehydrated. From what your friend over here describes, it seems you also suffered from a panic attack, clutching your chest and struggling to breathe. Now, we are going to run some quick tests, as all of this can be symptoms of a more threatening nature.” He puts down the clipboard and slides his glasses back up his nose. “We should have you discharged in a few hours, but make sure to keep up with lots of fluids and stay away from stressful activities for a while.” He says all of this in a kind but stern tone before striding off to his next patient.

  Blossom is quiet over the next few hours, avoiding any eye contact and flipping through a magazine. As betrayed and confused as she must feel, she still refuses to leave me while I undergo the simple tests and checkups.

  It’s a loyalty I’m unfamiliar with, and ultimately, a loyalty I didn't have the decency to return.

  Chapter 17

  ─────

  I’m discharged from the Alder Grove Hospital sooner, rather than later, trying not to think about how much money this little adventure is going to set me back. Looks like I’ll be spending even more time at Oasis the next few months. I step out of the hospital and take a deep breath of fresh air. Unsure what to say or do, I just start walking, and Beth follows.

  “What happened?” Her pained voice sends me on a guilt trip. Looking over, her eyes are full of questions and worry creases her forehead.

  “You heard the doc, I was dehydrated, need to drink more water I guess.” I look straight ahead as we walk.

  I knew with one look into my eyes she would know I was lying about what really happened. But if she knew the truth about why I freaked out, she’d likely drag me right back to the hospital and demand they wrap me in a straight-jacket.

  Feeling more exhausted than I thought possible, I turn down the path towards a small park nearby and find a bench to collapse on. Most people are still in school or at work, besides the jogger up ahead on the path, we are completely alone.

  Unfortunately, I don’t get even a second to enjoy the peace and quiet.

  “You were totally fine, and then bam, you were on the floor, screaming. Don’t think I didn’t notice it wasn’t until you saw my brother that you started freaking out. I’ve never seen someone act like that before. I—I thought something was really wrong. I thought you were dying.” Her hands are clenched into white-knuckled fists in her lap. “Then you started screaming his name—his full name—Andrew.” I flinch at those words. “That’s when I knew it was him who had caused you to have your panic attack. Do you know my brother? Did he hurt you before? Please, just be honest. Tell me what's going on.”

  My heartbeat quickens, and my hands go cold and clammy. Just the idea of telling her even a fraction of my story scares the shit out of me. I know now that it was
just a delusion brought on, not only by my dehydration, but her brother’s green eyes and blond hair. His name is just a horrible coincidence. You know, karma giving me the giant middle finger for all the horrible shit I’ve said and done.

  But for the first time in a very long time, I want to rip down all these fucking walls and just cry, or open up, or. . . both.

  What is going on with me? I don’t do story time, no show-and-tell. I am the fortress of fucking solitude.

  “Tessa, what happened to you?” These soft words snap me out of my conflicted thoughts as I realize one traitorous tear is sliding down my cheek. I wipe it away angrily and let out a long exhale. In one month, I’ve managed to break every single one of my life rules. And here goes the only one I had left, rule number one. My most important rule, keep your trap shut, and here I am taking a fucking hammer to it.

  “Blossom, do you know what my name means?” I ask with a shaky breath. She shakes her head and waits patiently for me to continue. I don’t know why I don’t just get up, just run away from this silly girl. I don’t owe her anything, I haven't even known her that long.

  If it were anyone else, I would have told them, “fuck you very much,” and spit on them for good measure.

  I’m good at it, running away, that is. It’s something I’ve always used to shield myself from the horrors of the world, to protect my heart and mind. I’m physically running, or mentally escaping—because that’s all I know.

  However, much like someone I once knew, this girl embodies sunlight. The warmth that radiates from her friendship has begun to melt away the chunks of ice that encase my broken heart. Taking another deep breath, I scan the trees and the field of grass, unable to meet her eyes.

  “In sixth grade English, we were learning about Latin root words. Part of our mid-year project was to research our name and find out the meaning behind it.” I begin.

  “Oh, I did that in my school in Chicago. Since I sort of have two first names, I also have two roots, so my name means bitter god of abundance, or bitter house. Stupid name, really.” Beth gives me a small smile.

  “Well, I did my research, and on the day of presentations, I went up and explained that Tessa originally came from the name Theresa, and that the Greek meaning is to harvest or to reap.” As I tell the story, my mind wanders back to that day.

  I open my mouth to continue explaining the origins and history of harvesting when suddenly a hand shoots into the air and begins waving fiercely. Mr. Jaron clears his throat to get my attention and nods toward the hand. He strongly encourages class participation.

  I grit my teeth and call on Queen Bitch, who is still waving her hand about like an idiot. This should be good. “I’m sorry, I just wanted to clarify that your name means to reap? As in the Grim Reaper?” She cocks an eyebrow and waits for my response.

  “No. Well, yes sort of, but a reaper is generally some—”

  “You just admitted it. Wow, this makes so much sense as to why everything around you seems to die. Tessa the Reaper. It suits you.” She smirks and the classroom bursts into laughter. Mr. Jaron gives Lilah a scolding look, but does nothing.

  Since daddy is helping to pay for a new gym, she is untouchable.

  “As I’m sure you can imagine, the name stuck. I have been Tessa the Reaper going on five and some odd years now. I thought once I started high school, the name would disappear, but not with Lilah there to remind everyone,” I finish bitterly.

  “Wow kids are mean, but—” I see the wheels turning as she’s trying to put the pieces together. “What did she mean about everything dying around you?”

  I take another deep breath and exhale slowly.

  Do it fast, rip it off like a Band-Aid.

  “When I was a kid, I had a secret friendship with the boy next door. The first time he found me I’d just gotten smacked around pretty hard by my mom. I was crying, and he comforted me.” I smile, remembering those few wonderful years of a friendship that would begin to take root in my soul. “He was my only friend, a way for me to escape my abusive parents. I loved him more than I thought possible for someone my age. He became my home.” Tears threaten to fall and I blink them back.

  “On my twelfth birthday, my father caught us together, and in a drunken rage, he threw him across the backyard and I watched him hit his head on the concrete and bleed out. I watched as my best friend died at the hands of my father.” I take out all the emotion out of my voice, I won’t cry. If I cry, I may never fucking stop.

  I hear sniffles next to me as silent tears roll down Beth’s face.

  “Oh, Tessa. Oh, my God,” her voice wavers.

  But, I need to finish, it feels strangely good to say it out loud for the first time.

  “A little before I turned fourteen, my father died in prison. I’m not sure when the day was, exactly, but my mother told me about it on my birthday that year to remind me that his blood was on my hands. Somehow, Lilah’s rich daddy found out everything and she, in turn, passed it around the whole school. Later that year, I finally made a new friend, but after a few weeks, he stopped coming to school and I learned that he died of cancer. Lilah was foaming at the mouth to remind everyone that I was the last person he was seen with, like my friendship was some sort of fucking poison.”

  Interrupting my awful memories, a little body crushes against my side. Beth wraps her arms so tightly around my body that when she finally lets go, I have to take in big gulps of air. For being tiny, she’s pretty damn strong.

  “So, I guess now you know, that’s why the nickname stuck, although they rarely call me that to my face. Pretty sure it’s because they’re afraid of me.” I roll my eyes and force out a dry laugh. “Honestly I don’t even hate it anymore. I’m just used to it, I guess.”

  “Tessa,” she begins, but uncertainty falters her voice.

  “Just spit it out, Blossom. You don’t want to be friends anymore, right?” Anger snaps out. This is it, this is when she tells me we can no longer be friends because it’s all just too fucked up.

  I suppose if you’re made of sugar and spice you don’t go knocking at death’s door.

  “Tessa, do you—do you have a crown necklace?” she squeaks out, causing me to gasp.

  “What? How do you know that?” I quickly pull out the necklace from underneath my T-shirt and lay it down. She bursts into tears, crying even harder than she was before. Her body shakes with each sob.

  What the hell?

  “The night before Andrew’s accident, h-he showed me a crown necklace. It was beautiful and covered in sparkly little diamonds. I never knew where he got it, or how he afforded it for that matter, but he asked me if I thought it was puh-pretty. I said it was, then he wanted to know if other girls that weren't his sister might think it was pretty. Thinking back, I always thought he bought it for some crush at school. It was for you. The sad girl from next door.” She says all of this in one breath as tears continue to stream down her face.

  “Your Andrew is my twin brother—but he only almost died. I mean technically he died for a minute or so, but he was revived by the paramedics and rushed to the hospital. Tessa, Andrew is alive!” Her words punch me in the gut.

  “Say something!” She sounds frantic, but I can’t speak.

  I look her directly in the eye and feel the fury spread through me.

  Why the fuck did I think I could trust her?

  She’s just like everyone else. A cruel liar trying to make me the butt of some fucking joke. Lilah must have gotten to her after all. I’m not going to fall for it. I stand up suddenly, causing Beth to flinch.

  “Shut up, just shut the fuck up!” I scream, but can’t look at her, can’t bear the betrayal.

  Blossom shakes with sobs, but I feel no pity for her bullshit lies.

  “Tessa, please. I’m telling you the tr—” My open palm connects hard with her wet cheek.

  Her tears stop as she stares up at me, a hand covering the side of her face. Her wide eyes are brimming with hurt—physical and emotional.
>
  So, I do what I do best. Without a single look back, I begin to run. I take to the trail that runs through the park and pound my feet to the pavement.

  My breathing becomes ragged as I try to outrun all the demons that are never far behind.

  I run until my lungs threaten to burst and my legs turn to jelly. I drop to the ground and crawl to the side of the trail. Clumsily, I make my way to a nearby pine tree and blissfully pass out the second I lean my head against it.

  Chapter 18

  ─────

  I wake up freezing and covered in dried sweat and dirt. I catch myself wondering if Beth got home safely, but shove the thought furiously from my head. She’s been playing me for God knows how long, and I won’t waste another thought on her.

  She saw my necklace and worked up a plan with Lilah to humiliate me.

  Bitch. She’s fucking dead to me.

  Tessa the Reaper strikes again.

  I decide to work off my frustrations by dancing and making some much-needed cash. I should go home, but if I have to look at those stupid graffiti lockers right now, I’ll fucking scream.

  More than anything, I need a hot shower to screw my head on straight. Every Tuesday, Ace runs different specials to keep a steady flow of customers. He won’t have much for me to do during the day, but I’m sure he’ll appreciate my help later tonight, and I really could use the distraction. He’s always said I can crash if I ever needed a place to stay, but I hate the thought of being with him alone. However, it looks like I just got desperate enough.

  I head toward the closest bus stop that goes downtown.

  But how did she know he had a twin? Was she telling the truth?

  Rogue thoughts assail me, infuriate me. I clutch my head and demand for it to shut up.

  She looked it up, I’m sure, did her research. The clever bitch.

  When I finally arrive, Ace answers his private backdoor grumbling about how “too goddamn early it is for this shit.” Fortunately, he doesn’t turn me away or ask questions, just looks at me curiously, points to the guest room, and heads back to bed where I glimpse a few naked girls.