A Soft Kiss in Winter

by Lily Graison

  The doctor walked back into the main room, pulling the bedroom door shut behind him, his gaze falling to Gideon’s arm. “Let me look at that.”

  “It’s fine. Is Victoria going to be all right?”

  “After a good hot meal and some rest, she’ll bounce back good as new. As for you, the way you’re cradling that arm tells me it’s not as fine as you say it is.” He turned one of the kitchen chairs around and nodded to it with his head. “Have a seat, Gideon. The longer you go without having it tended to, the worse it’ll be. Are the bones straight?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “I hope for your sake they are.”

  They weren’t. He clenched his teeth so hard when the doctor pulled on his arm to set the bones in place, he could have sworn he heard his teeth crack. Doc Tibbens splinted the arm and tied a sling around it to hold it in place and left with instructions to call on him if they needed him. He saw the doctor out and went back to his room to check on Victoria. She was awake and staring at the ceiling when he stuck his head inside the room. “You feel all right?”

  She nodded, her gaze landing on his arm before darting to his face. “You?”

  “Never better,” he lied. He hadn’t looked to see if his face was as bruised as it felt but he was pretty sure it was. It hurt too much not to be. He hesitated, then stepped inside the room, shutting the door behind him.

  Victoria studied his face for long moments. “I’ve seen you look better.”

  He nodded. He’d seen her look better, too. She was still pale and dark shadows smudged underneath her eyes alluded to how tired she was and it was all his fault. If he’d kept following her, she wouldn’t have tried to come back up the mountain, alone, to find him. Those men wouldn’t have found him when they broke into his cabin. They wouldn’t have kept him in the cellar for close to a week, a prisoner in his own home. But she didn’t need to hear about any of that, so he lied. “I missed one of the steps coming out of the cabin and took a tumble and broke my arm in the process.”

  She raised an eyebrow. “You did that to your face falling down three steps?”

  “I slammed into the railing on the way down.” Her gaze lingered on the sling holding his arm up, then studied his face. She didn’t say anything but the look in her eyes said she didn’t believe a word he said.

  As he stood there looking at her, he could only imagine what she thought of him now. Risking her life to come up the mountain by herself to talk to him hadn’t been the smartest move. How long would it take before she figured out he wasn’t worth the trouble?

  They stared at one another until the air felt charged. There were so many things he wanted to say to her. Had rehearsed them in his head but his tongue felt stuck to the roof of his mouth. Her lips parted and closed several times as if she were about to say something but she never did. Why was it so hard to talk to each other now when only a week ago they’d been as intimate as two people could be? “Whatever it is you want to say, Victoria, just say it.”

  She licked her lips, stared him in the eye and nodded. “All right.” She glanced at the blanket across her lap, picking at a loose string before saying, “I know about Nora.”

  The words were like ice water down his spine. He knew this conversation was coming and as much as he told himself he was ready to talk about it, his throat felt as if something was lodged inside it. His heart pounded and the fear she’d think less of him screamed through his head again. “Graham tell you?”

  She nodded. “Yes, and it doesn’t change the way I feel about you, regardless of the fact you thought it would. To be honest, it was a ridiculous reason to push me away.”

  Ridiculous? He gaped at her. “To me, it’s not. It’s perfectly reasonable and Graham had no right. He shouldn’t have—”

  “—I’m glad he did, Gideon. Pushing me away because of some accident you had no control over—“

  “That’s where you’re wrong,” he interrupted. “I had a lot of control over what happened that night. It was my fault, Victoria. All of it. Regardless of what Graham told you, I’m responsible.”

  “How? Explain to me how strangers breaking into your house and a fire you didn’t start, was your fault.”

  The same fear he’d let push her away from him whispered through his head again. It was irrational—he knew it was—but what would she think of him when she heard what really happened? The expectant look on her face caused his heart to race. Would she still want him if she found out? Graham’s version—the one Gideon had told everyone—of what took place that night was prettied up enough Victoria didn’t see him the way she should. The way she needed to and those whispers inside his head told him to not tell her otherwise. To just lie like he’d been doing for the last six years. She’d never know. Graham didn’t. He could live out the remainder of his life with Victoria none the wiser.

  He sighed.

  His life since Nora died was nothing but lies. As much as he wanted Victoria, he wouldn’t lie to her about this. She needed to know the sort of man she crawled into bed with every night and he loved her enough to be honest. To not deceive her into thinking he was someone he wasn’t. “You’ll not like the version of my story, Victoria. I never told Graham the whole of it. I couldn’t.” The guilt still overwhelmed him all these years later. Graham never understood why he stayed away, no one understood because they didn’t know the truth about that night. They knew what he’d told them because the truth was too horrible to share, so he’d lied. Lied to his brother who grieved for Nora as much as he did. Lied to the townsfolk he’d known his entire life. And lied to himself thinking he could live with what he’d done.

  He was going to push her away again. Victoria could see it in the tense set of his shoulders, the strained lines around his eyes, and the fact he wouldn’t look at her. “Gideon…It will be all right.”

  “No, it won’t.”

  She exhaled a breath and sank back into the mattress. How could he shut her out so easily? Did he not care for her at all? Anger caused her entire body to heat. After nearly freezing while lost on the mountain in her search for him, he was still refusing to talk to her? “So, is this it, then? Do we forget what happened up there on the mountain and go our separate ways now?” Tears burned her eyes as he stared at the floor, his lips pressed into a thin, white line. “I don’t care what sort of deeds your past holds. They don’t matter to me.”

  “They should.”

  “What happened in the past is over, Gideon! We can’t change it. Now is all that matters. Now is what we make it.”

  “I know, it’s just…” He glanced up at her, looked her in the eye. “You’ll think differently once you hear my side of the story.”

  “I won’t,” she reassured him. “But tell me if you think it will make a difference. Make me understand. Tell me what really happened.” There hadn’t been but a handful of days since she’d last seen him, but she missed him and she wanted what they had back. She wanted him to trust her and love her as much as she loved him. But how did she make him see that? Would it make a difference if he knew what was in her heart?

  She chewed her bottom lip, then sat up, her pulse racing. She’d told herself on those many evenings she’d stood on the porch willing him to come home that when she saw him, she’d tell him how she felt even if he didn’t return her feelings. That regardless of what happened between them, she wanted him to know. Inhaling a deep breath, she let it out and willed her voice to stay steady. “I love you.” It was said so softly, she wasn’t sure he heard her over the pounding of her heart. It was thumping inside her chest, the blood rushing through her ears loud in the stillness of the room. “Regardless of what you tell me, Gideon, I’ll still love you.”

  So many nights she’d spent imagining this exact moment and not once in all those scenarios she’d dreamed up did Gideon’s face ever look so—pained. In her fantasies, her declaration of love had caused him to smile—to rush across the room and sweep her into his arms as he showered her with kisses and told her he l
oved her as well. He’d ask her to marry him and she’d cry as she said, yes. And he’d promise to be kind to her and never raise his hand in anger and they’d live the remainder of their lives happy and in love. But he wasn’t doing any of those things. “Did you hear me, Gideon?”

  “Yes. I heard you.”

  He said nothing else, just stood there staring at her. The look on his face told her those late night fantasies of hers were nothing but wishful thinking.

  Graham knocked on the door and she jumped, startled. He stuck his head inside the room and pinned Gideon with a hard look. “Can I see you in the other room a minute?” He flashed her a smile. “Can I get you anything, Victoria?”

  She shook her head. “No, but thank you.”

  Gideon turned and left the room without a word and she stared at the closed door for long minutes before laying back down. She huffed out a breath. She was so tired. Tired of getting her heart smashed to pieces, tired of things always going wrong, and tired of trying to look into a future she apparently wasn’t destined to have.

  Truth be known, she was tired of trying.

  Chapter 22

  Graham was waiting by the sink when he walked into the kitchen. His brother threw him a blistering look before crossing his arms over his chest. “What are you doing?”

  “What do you mean?”

  Graham laughed and shook his head. “You’re an idiot, little brother. You’re going to let her get away if you don’t stop acting like a horses ass. She already knows your dirty little secret. I told her, so what’s holding you back?” He sighed, the hard look in his eyes softening. “She loves you, Gideon. Don’t throw that away for some idiotic self loathing—“

  “You were listening to our conversation?”

  “It’s hard not to. These walls are thin and you know it so don’t act so surprised.”

  Gideon grabbed a mug from the shelf by the sink and poured a cup of coffee and took a sip hoping it cleared his head. It didn’t. As usual, Graham’s coffee wasn’t fit to drink. “This tastes like horse piss. You really need to get a wife.”

  Graham snorted a laugh. “So says the hermit who lives on the hill.”

  They glared at one another while the ticking clock filled the space with noise.

  “So what’s the plan?” Graham asked.

  “Plan for what?”

  Graham looked toward the ceiling and mumbled something under his breath. “Victoria. What are you going to do?”

  He wished he knew. He took another sip of his coffee and grimaced at the taste. His was much better and he’d not had a decent cup in close to a week thanks to those bastards that broke in on him. Thinking of those two, he met Graham’s gaze. “We left those men unconscious up there in the cabin.”

  “Stop trying to change the subject.”

  “I’m not.”

  “Liar.”

  He sighed. Okay, maybe he was. “I don’t know what to tell you, Graham.”

  “Do you love her?”

  More than anything. He’d walk that entire damn mountain again for her.

  “I can tell by the look on your face that you do so don’t mess this up. Go back in there and tell her, then kiss her until she forgives you for being such a halfwit and taking so long to get this settled. Life’s too short to be stupid.”

  “I know.” And he did. He’d sat in that dark cellar day after day telling himself that once he got free, he’d come down the mountain, find Victoria and tell her how much he loved her. He knew he’d lose her if he didn’t. Knowing he’d lose her didn’t make it any easier telling her things no one else knew, though. But, she said she loved him. He just hoped when he told her the truth about what happened the night Nora died, she still did. “I’ll talk to her, but we still need to deal with those men in our cabin. I want them both rotting behind bars.”

  “Any clue who they were? Or what the hell they were doing way up there?”

  “Yeah, I knew them. They were the men who chased Victoria up the old mountain road. They ran off when the one in the wagon tried to shoot me.” He sat on the edge of the table and took another sip of Graham’s horrible coffee. “I don’t know how they found the cabin unless they followed us. Not sure why they would, though.”

  “Why did they chase Victoria up the mountain?”

  He shrugged. “Because she was alone? I don’t know. When I found them, one was inside the wagon with her, the other two were near the back watching what was going on.”

  “They rape her?”

  He shook his head. “No, I found them before they had a chance.”

  “Think we should get the marshal or head up and bring them down ourselves?”

  He laughed, bitterly. “Better take the marshal. If we go up alone, I might just be tempted to kill them both. Lord knows I want to.” He’d imagined doing that while sitting in that dark cellar, too.

  “Marshal it is then but first, we eat. I’m starving, so I’ll fix us something quick and easy and we can head to town afterward to let Josiah know what happened. We can head out first thing in the morning.”

  Victoria stepped out of the bedroom and the sight of her caused something warm to fill every part of him. She still looked tired, but her color was improving. They had a lot to talk about and even though it would be painful to admit his sins, he’d do it if it meant he had even the slightest chance of keeping her. He stood and pushed away from the table. “How you felling?”

  “Hungry. I haven’t eaten today.”

  That explained why she looked so worn down. “Graham will have something cooked up soon but don’t drink his coffee unless you have a strong stomach.”

  A small grin turned the corner of her mouth. “I’ve gotten used to it.”

  “I haven’t.” He tossed what was left in his cup down the sink. “Still tastes like warmed over mud.”

  Graham mumbled something behind him, the sound of rattling pots and pans drowning out his words. His brother’s coffee wasn’t fit to drink but he did know how to cook. The scent of frying bacon and eggs caused his stomach to growl as he turned his attention back to Victoria. “I guess you’ve been getting that bacon and eggs you wanted.”

  She grinned and to his surprise, her cheeks turned pink. “I have.”

  “Good.” He glanced at Graham to make sure his back was still to them and pitched his voice low before saying, “We’ll finish our conversation later. I don’t mean for that to be the end of it.” When she looked up at him, there was so much naked hope in her eyes he felt like a complete shit for not telling her about Nora all those days ago when they were alone up on the mountain. If he had, they’d probably still be up there, laying in his bed, skin to skin.

  Her gaze fell to his broken arm, then his face. She didn’t say anything but the hopeful look in her eyes and the tiny smile lifting the corners of her mouth said more than words could.

  Graham cleared his throat. “This is almost finished. Set the table.”

  Victoria beat him to the shelf. “I’ll do it. You’re hurt and look as if you’re ready to fall down. Go sit.”

  He wanted to refuse but she was right. He was exhausted. He hadn’t had a decent night’s sleep in days, every inch of his body ached and he needed a bath in the worst sort of way. When she grabbed plates and turned back to the table, he sat and watched as she set them down, then filled glasses with water. No one said much after Graham set the food on the table and for once, he was grateful for the silence. It gave him time to think of how best to tell Victoria what he needed to. And how to break the news of what really happened the night Nora died to Graham. Victoria wasn’t the only person who needed to hear the truth. As much as it would hurt to dredge it all up again, his silence had gone on too long. It was time to come clean. His brother had a right to know.

  When they’d eaten and the dishes were washed and put away, Graham left the house saying he’d meet him outside. At Victoria’s puzzled look, he said, “We have to go talk to the marshal.”

  “About what?”

&nbs
p; “Those men who attacked you. The two that got away the day I found you. They followed us across the mountain and showed up at the cabin when you and Graham left.”

  “Followed us?” Her brow scrunched as if she were thinking. “You know, I thought I saw smoke coming from the trees the day—“ She licked her lips and glanced away. “When I was standing by the stream while you chopped wood.”

  The day everything went all to hell and he’d yelled at her for asking him an innocent question. She looked at his arm and face. “You didn’t really fall down those steps, did you?”

  He wanted to lie again but something in her eyes told him she’d not believe him this time. “They caught me unaware, otherwise they wouldn’t have made it inside the cabin.”

  She searched his face. “Is that why you didn’t come down the mountain?”

  He nodded.

  She stared at him until he wanted to look away but refused to do so. “If they hadn’t found you,” she said, “would you have?”

  “Yes.” The word came out as a soft whisper but she heard it. The hollow look in her eyes seemed to brighten. He’d been the one to put that doubt and uncertainty in her eyes and he was the one who had to remove it. “Have I told you how sorry I am?” He hadn’t. Knew he hadn’t the moment the question was out of his mouth. “Because I am. I never should have yelled at you, Victoria, and I’ll regret it for as long as I live.” She looked toward her feet, no doubt remembering the day as vividly as he did. “For what it’s worth, it nearly killed me to see you cry, knowing I was the reason for your tears. Graham has accused me of being a jackass on more than one occasion and I guess he’s right.”