Universal Alien

by Gini Koch

  “But we were called back because of the threat,” Reader argued. “If what the kids and Kitty say is true, and we have no reason to believe it isn’t, then these assassins were going to hit us in Australia. Coming home saved us from them.”

  “Did it?” Buchanan asked, speaking for both of us. “We’re all only standing here, alive and in one piece, because an alternate version of Kitty—one with superpowers, I might add—just traded places with her. Otherwise, your family’s dead and the murder-suicide that would have happened in this house later wouldn’t even be questioned.”

  “Malcolm is right, Charles,” Aunt Carla said quietly. “And as insane as it is to say this—I believe this Kitty. She moved me and Caroline at a speed that’s impossible. She lifted things far heavier than she should be able to. And what she says makes sense. It’s never sat properly with me, the story that Angela died in an accident. Based on what I know of my sister, this all seems more likely than not.”

  “Aunt Carla, please let me welcome you to Team Megalomaniac. I’ll explain the name later, but suffice to say, I’d like you thinking of every weirdo thing that’s happened around our family for the past, oh, forty years or so, please and thank you.”

  “There’s a lot,” Dad said quietly.

  “I’m sure there is. Start thinking of it, and writing it down. We may need to cross reference for connections and such. Caro, same for you, only focus more on politics. Charles –and you have no idea how hard it is for me to call you that—and Malcolm, let’s get the Most Promising Conspiracy Theories lined up and ready for review.”

  “I believe we can start with the company we hired to take care of our home and vehicles,” Pierre said. “The lack of anything being cared for combined with your airbags not opening screams suspicious to me.”

  “I totally agree. Oh, and I hate these people, whoever they are, who have put these plans into motion. I say this a lot, by the way. There’s a conspiracy afoot, gang, and it’s been afoot for a while. Chu-, argh, Charles, once our prisoners wake up I’m going to question them. But, while we’re waiting, how’s your Wi-Fi situation down here, and do you have a spare laptop I can use?”

  “It’s excellent, Kitty the Alternate,” Pierre said. “And we have a plethora of computer equipment you can use. But why do you need it?”

  “Because we’re outnumbered and outgunned. And that means it’s time for me to try to see if any of our reinforcements are out there.”

  CHAPTER 24

  WE’D WANDERED THE BIGGEST RAT MAZE in the world, entered a gigantic library that would make the Library of Congress feel inadequate, and were now in a conference room that looked like a giant fishbowl. Somehow, the people I was with felt this was more secure than the hospital room at Walter Reed had been. Perhaps aliens couldn’t read lips.

  I’d met more people than I had a prayer of remembering, especially because ninety percent of them were gorgeous, and it was getting hard to differentiate one stunning beauty or amazing hunk from the other. Was grateful the A-Cs ran the gamut in skin tones and attractive body types just like humans did, because otherwise I’d have had less of a chance of remembering them than I already did.

  Everyone was brought up to speed, at least insofar as how I was here and where we assumed “their” Kitty actually was. I’d gotten a very high-level overview of what the past five years had been like for my Cosmic Alternate. Apparently, even more complex than homeschooling two preternaturally bright boys and a little girl who was likely autistic. It was kind of nice to know that I rolled with the punches wherever I happened to exist, though.

  Amy was still persisting in the idea that we were pals, which was more than a little annoying, especially because I knew Mom wanted me to fake it. I hadn’t seen my mother for far too long—disobeying her direct orders right now seemed . . . ungrateful. And I was hugely grateful for whatever had flung me here, because, despite everything else, getting to be with Mom and to know that she loved me, even though I wasn’t the same me as her daughter in this universe, meant everything to me.

  Amy was picking up that I wasn’t on board with our becoming BFFs again. She was wisely across the conference table from me, meaning I couldn’t lunge at her, so she was still smart.

  “Kitty,” she said during a brief lull in the barrage of information, “I swear to you that I’m not your enemy.”

  “So your mother tried to tell me when Charlie and Max both were born. But I didn’t care then and I don’t care now. Your parents? I still like them. You yourself? I’ll fake it just like my mother wants and everyone here says I have to, but in reality, you’ve been dead to me for eight years.”

  Everyone gaped at me and Amy’s face drained of color. Christopher put his arm around her and hugged her to him. “What did you say?” Charles asked slowly. “About her parents?”

  “They still keep in touch with us, in the hopes that Amy and I will somehow reconcile. We won’t, but why hurt Herbert or Solange’s feelings?”

  “Holy God,” Crawford said. “Kitty, is Herbert Gaultier doing any, ah, untoward experiments in your world?”

  “No. He’s a freaking humanitarian. He’s got one of his research facilities focused on curing cancer. They’ve made some real breakthroughs. He got into it when Solange got sick. He found a cure for her, which works, but only if you have a specific genome type or something. The FDA can’t approve it, therefore, so he’s treated people in France, sort of illicitly and sort of not. Successfully each time, though. He’s how we met Doctor Marling.”

  “Doctor Marling?” Martini sounded shocked. “Antony Marling?”

  “Yes. He’s the leading pediatrician worldwide for children with . . . autism.”

  “Why would you need to know a doctor like that?” Tito asked.

  No time like the present. This Charles would hopefully not react defensively and get us into a huge fight in front of all these people. And if he did, maybe Martini or someone could reason with him and explain that saying the word didn’t make either one of us bad parents. “Because, while we aren’t sure, it seems that Jamie is autistic. Haven’t you noticed anything wrong with her?”

  “Ah, our Jamie is not autistic,” Martini said. “Precocious and, ah, talented and more. But not autistic.”

  “Do both you and the . . . other me think that?” Charles asked.

  “I think so. Charles is extremely . . . touchy on the subject. We can’t talk about what’s really wrong with Jamie without fighting. He thought what Doctor Marling suggested was crazy, but I think he might have been right.”

  “What did Marling say?” Martini asked.

  “Sorry, but I need us to get back to the Gaultier and Marling thing,” James said, voice tight but loaded with authority. It was clear he was saying this as Top Dude in the Room. And all the others nodded and turned to him, so apparently he was the Top Dude in the Room. Interesting. I’d have pegged that role for Martini, Richard, Charles, or Paul. “Kitty, in our world, those men were two of the most evil around, and they caused a tremendous amount of damage, pain, and suffering, much of which we’re still dealing with.”

  “Well, in my world, they’re both dedicated to saving lives and are humanitarians of the highest order.”

  “In our world, my mother is dead,” Amy said in a small voice. “She died when we were sophomores in college. Chuck verified that my father murdered her.”

  “Oh. Wow. God, I’m so sorry.” I was. I knew what it was like to have lost your mother far earlier than you ever thought you would. “If it helps at all, your parents are still madly in love in my world.”

  Tears rolled down Amy’s cheeks. “It does. A little. They’re both dead here.”

  “I killed her father,” Christopher said. “Because he was going to kill all of us, starting with Amy.”

  “I can understand that. I mean, I guess. If he was like you say he was here, killing your only daughter would be par for the
course. Herbert would die for Amy in my world.”

  “How could he be the man I remember him being when we were young in another universe, but one of the most evil men around in this one?” Amy asked plaintively.

  “Is LaRue Demorte around?” Crawford asked. “She might be working for either Gaultier or Marling.”

  “Never heard of her.”

  “You’re sure?” Martini asked.

  “Chick named Street of the Dead? I’d remember a name like that. And no, as I said, I’ve never heard of her.”

  “That explains a lot,” James said. “She may have been the person that flipped Gaultier toward the dark side here.”

  “She was Gaultier’s assistant, then his mistress, and then his wife,” Charles explained. “She’s brilliant, and extremely evil.”

  “Glad we’ve never met.”

  “And if Ronald Yates never came to that Earth,” Richard said, “then perhaps that means the people he’d have influenced stayed on a different path.”

  “Who’s Ronald Yates?”

  “My father,” Richard said sadly.

  “And our grandfather,” Martini indicated himself and Christopher. “Most evil man in two solar systems. Makes Amy’s father and Antony Marling look like small change, and that’s saying a lot. Seriously, we’ll continue to brief you on what it’s like here while we marvel at how nice and calm your world is at the same time.”

  “Our world is hardly calm.”

  “Great, then we’ll play World Badness One-Upmanship as we go along.”

  I couldn’t help it, I laughed. “You talk like I do.”

  He nodded. “You’ve rubbed off on me. Don’t worry, I like it.”

  “Let’s go over our list of megalomaniacs,” Crawford said. “I’d love a rundown on who’s a saint and who’s still a sinner.”

  Lorraine hit something and a screen descended. There was a long list of names on it. “Wow, you guys have a lot of enemies.”

  “We do,” Claudia said. “You—well, the other you—have helped us defeat most of them and hold the others at bay.”

  “Go my Cosmic Alternate.” Looked at the list. “Leventhal Reid. He’s an American politician, or he was. He died in a drunk driving accident right around the time my mother died.” Checked all the expressions in the room. “Ah. You think my mother was protecting him or after him?”

  “Based on our experiences,” Charles said, “she was after him.”

  “As a warning,” Martini said quietly, “my Kitty is terrified of him. It doesn’t stop her, but she considers him the most evil man alive or dead. And in our world, he’s back from the dead. She preferred our grandfather to Reid.”

  “Wonderful. What are the odds I’m going to meet this charmer?”

  “I’m hoping zero, baby.”

  “Works for me.”

  “It’s the same situation for LaRue,” Charles said, also speaking softly. “And I’m hoping you don’t run into her, either.”

  “Apparently visiting Bizarro World isn’t nearly as fun as I was led to believe. Okay,” I said in a louder voice, “never heard of Madeline Cartwright, but Cybele Siler Marling is Antony’s wife. Her sister is Madeline Siler, and based on that née Siler I see behind her name on your list, I assume it’s the same woman. She works with Cybele and Antony doing cancer research. She’s a huge activist in Europe and lobbies in the U.S. all the time.”

  “So, she’s a good guy?” Crawford sounded shocked.

  “Yes, as far as I know.” Continued to peruse the list for people I hadn’t already talked about. “Ronaldo Al Dejahl I’ve never heard of, the Al Dejahl Terrorist Network doesn’t exist—and believe me, we’re world travelers so we pay attention to the various terrorist organizations. John Cooper is a really common name, so I have no idea, but I don’t know one personally. Esteban Cantu . . . vaguely familiar, but that’s not that uncommon a name, either. No one I can place. Vincent Armstrong—hey, didn’t you say he was President?”

  “Yes, he is,” Serene confirmed. “He was an enemy. He’s not anymore.”

  “Nice to know people can change. Don’t know him, he’s for sure not our President, however he could be a Congressman or a Governor—I certainly don’t know all of them by name. Lillian Culver, no idea, Abner Schnekedy, are you kidding and who could forget that name? No idea who he is. Guy Gadoire, name’s vaguely familiar but I have no idea why. Vance Beaumont, Edward Brewer, Nathalie Gagnon-Brewer, Leslie Manning, Bryce Taylor, Eugene Montgomery, Lydia Montgomery, Marion Villanova, Langston Whitmore, Marcia Kramer, and Zachary Kramer are all people I don’t know. All of them could exist in my world, by the way, I just don’t know them. I’m not sure that this means anything. Or that my doing this is useful at all.”

  “Just keep on,” James said. “Better safe than sorry. They’re not all our enemies, most of them are politically connected, and two of those people are high up in the U.S. government. Here, I mean.”

  “If you say so. I haven’t heard of any of them, so they can’t be that high up where I come from. Casey Jones, Howard Taft, Harvey Gutermuth . . . my God, who names these people? No idea, unless you’ve got issues with a long-dead president. Club Fifty-One, never heard of it. Farley Pecker . . . him I’m pretty sure I know. He’s the head of the worst bunch of so-called religious lunatics this country has come up with in a long time.”

  “Yeah, he’s exactly the same here,” Christopher said.

  “How awesome for both of our universes.” Ran through a zillion more names—there were a lot of people on the A-C’s Potentially Sketchy Humans List. I knew none of them. Then I hit a couple that I did recognize. “Wait—Jack and Pia Ryan? What the hell?”

  “You know them?” Charles asked.

  “Yes, they’re friends of ours. Jack owns the Lexus dealership in Silver Spring where we buy all our cars. Pia’s in sales. He lives for jokes about his name and how he’s the same Jack Ryan as in the books. They’re cool. Why are they on your Enemies List?”

  “Ah . . . they weren’t actually . . . on our side,” Crawford said.

  “Well, he might have been,” Serene said. “We don’t know for sure.”

  Looked around the room. Everyone looked kind of uncomfortable, and the A-Cs weren’t looking at me. “Oh, for God’s sake, what is it?” No one answered. Most of them were looking at the conference table or the ceiling. Decided to do the math for myself. “They’re both dead here, aren’t they?”

  “Yes,” Charles said. “I’m sorry. They weren’t our friends. Pia worked for the C.I.A. We think she killed Jack because he found out what she was up to. She was murdered by the Mastermind.”

  “The who?”

  “That’s a long explanation—” Christopher started.

  Charles put up his hand, shutting Christopher up. “We have a Sith Lord active, and Pia was eliminated during Apprentice tryouts.”

  Allowed this to compute. “I should probably be embarrassed that this explanation was the most understandable of all that you’ve given me since I woke up, but it was. Got it. Wow, things really suck here. At least in some ways.”

  “They do,” Richard said. “But so far, we’ve been able to combat them. What I find interesting is that while some people, such as Charles and James, seem the same in your world, many do not.”

  “I think it’s the Yates Factor,” Charles said.

  Martini nodded. “Granddad isn’t here to spread his evil, people who maybe could have gone either way flipped toward good.”

  “And maybe some flipped toward bad without him.” Everyone stared at me. “What?”

  “How would not having an evil influence mean that some would flip toward bad?” Claudia asked.

  “Sometimes people fight against a stronger force, just because it’s there. So, if there was a stronger evil, maybe someone would be good because of it. And without that stronger evil, the temptatio
n to be the evil might have won.”

  “Maybe.” A man who I really hadn’t registered as being in the room was the speaker. He was about Martini’s size, brown hair and blue eyes, and he was handsome. Human handsome, like Charles. Realized he looked familiar and that he’d been at the hospital, though I hadn’t really registered that until now. But it was more than that—had a feeling I knew him, somehow. “Maybe the evil person just doesn’t have to hide in the same way, because there are no A-Cs to stop him.”

  “Um, okay. Have we met?”

  “Not really. I’m Malcolm Buchanan. Your mother recruited me when I was in college. And that means that it’s likely she did the same in your world.”

  “What does that mean? Other than that you’re C.I.A. or P.T.Whatever or something?”

  “I think the Mastermind is a human. Just because you don’t know most of the humans we’ve listed doesn’t mean they aren’t on your world—it’s obvious your husband has kept all of this away from you. So that means there’s a good chance that the Mastermind is on your world, too. And he might be doing the same things there as he is here, only without anyone to stop him.”

  CHAPTER 25

  ALL THE MOUTHS IN THE ROOM started to open, but Martini beat them all to it. “It doesn’t matter.”

  All the mouths stayed open, in shock as far as I could tell. Christopher recovered first. “What?”

  “Look, it does not matter. We’ve allowed the fact that things are different in this Kitty’s world to distract us from what’s going on. But what we have to fix, right now, is the situation with Australia. Once that’s taken care of, then, yeah, I’m all for us going back to the hunt for the Mastermind. But until our major diplomatic issue is resolved, we’re at risk of making one of our country’s closest allies into our enemy. That cannot be our legacy.”

  Martini’s voice was filled with the same authority I’d heard at the hospital. And everyone, including James, all closed their mouths, nodded, and obviously shifted mental gears.