Universal Alien

by Gini Koch

  Singh jerked. “Oh. Oh no. No wonder . . .” He looked ill. “We’ve told him all our moves, and he’s in so tightly with—”

  “Crap, stop guessing! Malcolm’s going to kill me. None of you guys can lie.”

  Serene and Singh exchanged an amused glance. “Well, as to that,” he said, “some of us have troubadour talent. It’s the ability to sway and to act and so forth. And you know what acting actually is?”

  “Oh, wow, yeah. It’s pretending in a believable fashion.”

  “Exactly,” Serene said. “We have an, ah, group. That only our Kitty knows about. We function in a protective fashion.”

  “Oh my God, you’re running the A-C spy organization.”

  They both looked pleased. “Well done,” Singh said. “And yes, we are. Someone has to. We’ve been trying to determine who the Mastermind is, of course, just as everyone else has been. But we’ve come up short. However, I know Mister Buchanan knows who it is.”

  “He does. It’s why the Mastermind was trying to frame him. And why he doesn’t want any of you knowing.”

  “We’re different, I can promise you that,” Serene said. “So, to confirm, it’s Cliff Goodman, isn’t it?”

  “Malcolm is going to be so freaking mad at me.”

  Serene smiled brightly. “Hey, Jeff. Kitty’s worried that Malcolm is going to be mad.” She didn’t sound in charge. She, frankly, sounded like a total ditz, and I saw Singh alter his expression so he looked amused and slightly worried, but nowhere near the intense he’d been just seconds ago. I stopped worrying about either one of them giving anything away to Goodman.

  “No,” Martini said as he joined us. “He won’t be. I guessed, you two guessed, we can’t be faulted for thinking. We’re going to handle Australia and get back and handle the Mastermind.”

  Singh shook his head. “We need proof, Jeff. And if Mister Buchanan had it, he’d have shared it already.”

  “Yes, that’s the issue. And, frankly, if Goodman didn’t kill the agents—and it sounds like none of you think he actually did—then us finding Stephanie would only get her caught. Because I’m just betting that she’s become a fanatic, especially since my Cosmic Alternate killed her father.”

  “Yeah,” Martini said sadly. “She hates us all with a passion that I can’t figure out how we’d overcome.”

  “Then we don’t. We have to make sure we don’t give away that we know who the Mastermind is and we have to find proof of some crime, any crime, that will allow us to get him convicted in a court of law.”

  “It’s more than that,” Serene said. “There are the clones to consider.”

  “Oh. Great. I can’t wait.”

  “We mentioned them, briefly,” she said. “They’ve cloned LaRue Demorte and Leventhal Reid. They’re tightly tied to the Mastermind. And from what we know, they have their minds backed up into a database that allows them to recreate new clones with the sum knowledge of all their prior clones. Each and every time.”

  “Well, that just sucks, doesn’t it? So, we have to actually destroy more than this version of the Mastermind, don’t we?”

  They all nodded. “And that is and remains the problem,” Singh said. “Though knowing who the third person in the Unholy Trinity is helps dramatically.”

  “Supposedly.” Martini ran his hand through his hair. “We need to avoid him as much as possible, and we really need to be sure no one lets Chuck figure out who it is.”

  “And we need to get to Australia and attempt to save that particular day.”

  “But not yet,” Singh said. “We have hours before we need to go—it’s the middle of the night in Australia right now. You two should get some rest, you’ve had a busy few hours and we need you both to be at your best.”

  “And we don’t have a confirmed appointment time with the Prime Minister yet, either,” Serene said. “Though James is working on it, coordinating with the President’s Press Secretary.”

  “I don’t want to take that Strauss woman with us. She can fly.”

  “She’s not our enemy,” Martini said mildly.

  “She’s not your friend, either, and I don’t care what you get from her emotionally. She’s a bitch and I don’t want her with us.”

  “I’ll tell James and let him handle it,” Singh said soothingly.

  Decided to let it drop. If Strauss came along, I’d be watching her. Closely. “So, what will I wear? The usual stuff you all do?”

  “No,” Martini said. “The Operations Team has your outfits hanging up in the closet. They’ll be packed once we’re ready to go. And don’t worry—they apparently consulted with Akiko.”

  “Who?”

  “The fashion designer on retainer with us,” Serene answered. “She’s great, you love her stuff. She’s aware that you tend to, ah, get a little disheveled.”

  “Yeah, using today as an example, why any of you go out in anything other than jeans and combat boots is beyond me.”

  Martini grinned. “We like to live on the edge.”

  Stood up and headed to the bedroom. “Well then, I’ll check out what I’m going to wear to dazzle the Aussies before I nap. Let’s just hope it’s something I can run in.”

  “Oh,” Serene said, “it will be. Akiko knows you.”

  “I think I should resent that on behalf of both myself and my CA.”

  “You can resent it,” Singh said with a laugh. “But, trust us, you can’t deny it.”

  CHAPTER 62

  THE OUTFITS LOOKED GREAT. Wondered if this designer existed in my world and made a note to find out when I got home. If I got home.

  Shoved that worry aside. There was nothing I could do about that right now and, frankly, the people here needed me. “Fix the problems, then you can worry about getting home, right?” Shoved the fact that I was getting attached to them, really attached, aside as well.

  This Akiko was good at comfortable fashion that looked great. It was summer in Australia, so this outfit was layered. An iced blue sleeveless sheath dress was overlaid by a wraparound shimmering iced blue sweater dress that had long sleeves and a slightly longer hem length.

  Low-heeled neutral boots and a matching scarf were there for this side of the world; low-heeled neutral pumps and a cute, floppy, wide-brimmed blue sunhat rounded out the summertime outfit.

  Tried them on separately and together—looked great all three ways, and when wearing the layers it was impossible to tell that I had another outfit on underneath the sweater dress.

  As I hung them back up, it seemed clear that Akiko had expected us to go to Australia via plane. Had a moment’s worry about our gate plan, but the turbulence from only a few days ago was still—despite everything else that had gone on—a vivid memory. And while James might be piloting here just as he did for us, I didn’t relish the idea of a repeat of the Flight From Hell.

  As I contemplated if I should just wear the summertime outfit alone when we went to Oz, one of the little furballs bounded into the closet and joined me. “Hello there. What’s your name?”

  It mewed at me. I wasn’t sure, but it didn’t appear to have a name. Len had said that the Poofs attached to whoever named them. Supposedly Poofikins was “mine” but it wasn’t, not really. It belonged to my CA. And it had been so long since I’d had a pet.

  Put my hand out. “So, Gershom, what do you think I should wear?” The Poof jumped onto my hand and purred. “Both, huh? You like your name?” More purrs. “Good. Because I am indeed a stranger in a strange, strange land.”

  The Poof jumped onto my shoulder and nuzzled my neck. My neck was my main erogenous zone, but happily when the kids and now the Poof were snuggling there it didn’t trigger anything other than feelings of happiness. “I wish I could take you home with me. Charlie and Max would love you so much. And my Jamie might even stop looking in her mirrors because of you. I bet we could sneak you through cust
oms and avoid quarantine, too.”

  The Poof mewed at me. Had no idea what it was saying, but I chose to believe it wanted to come to my world with me, too. Which was ridiculous, since it had only just become “mine,” if it even was mine for real. The Poof purred and rubbed against me some more and I stroked its fur.

  Felt something near my leg and looked down. The Peregrine, Bruno, was standing there. Bent down and gave him a gentle scratch between his wings. “There you go, big guy. You know, where the heck were you when we were in Paris?”

  He warbled, fluffed his feathers, scratched the rug, and did a head bob thing. He was guarding Jamie, because she was the focus of the Mastermind’s plans, and we weren’t the ones who’d been in danger.

  “Wow. I almost hate to say that I understand you. I don’t have this freaky Doctor Doolittle skill at home.”

  Bruno flapped his wings. I had no pets at home, so how would I know?

  “Wow. I’m having a conversation with an Alien Attack Peacock. That would be a great name for a rock band, you know that?”

  Bruno gave me a look I could only think of as snide.

  “Well, I think it’d be a cool name. Okay, so are you gracing us with your presence for the next leg of this journey?”

  Bruno indicated that Australia was lovely at this time of year and he’d always wanted to see Sydney and Canberra.

  “How the heck does she handle this communication without seriously wondering if she’s crazy?”

  Bruno cawed. I was fairly sure he was laughing.

  Decided not to press on about either my CA’s sanity or my own. Figured I should check one thing before I left the closet. “Uh, I’m not sure if you’re here, but thanks again and, ah, is there anything else you think I might need to have with me? Just in case and all that?”

  Several clips filled with bullets appeared on top of the hamper. “Huh. Uh, she carries a gun?” Thought about it. Of course she carried a gun. Dug through the purse—sure enough, she had a Glock.23. Went to check if the clip was full or not and had the surprise of my life. “Whoa! What the hell? Is there a safety on this thing?”

  “What?” Martini said, coming in to join me. “Oh, you can shoot?” He sounded relieved.

  “Yeah, Charles made me learn. I even have this model. But why is there a safety on this thing?”

  “All guns have safeties.”

  “Glocks don’t. Well, not external ones.”

  He shrugged. “In this universe, Glocks have safeties.”

  “What a world. What a world. Okay, well, I guess I’d better get used to that.” Put the clips into the purse, then left the closet, many clips the richer and with another “it’s so different” moment. Go me. “So let’s take a nap. After we feed Jamie and get her settled down with something fun to do.”

  “Ah,” Martini looked uncomfortable. “I already took her and all the pets to daycare and gave her breakfast there while you were talking to Raj and Serene. She’ll be with Denise and the other kids until we’re ready to leave. Denise will make sure she gets an early nap.”

  Chose not to ask how he’d gotten all those animals out without my noticing because I assumed he’d used hyperspeed or I’d just been totally unobservant. Both were very possible.

  “You know, I get that you’re really busy people and all that, and I’m sure whoever you have handling daycare is awesome, but still, it’s clear Jamie would like more attention.”

  “Is it?” Martini looked panicked and worried.

  “Well, either that child lives to go to the zoo, or she hasn’t been taken in a really long time.”

  “Kitty and I took her there a couple weeks ago.”

  “Huh. Then she must love it.”

  “She likes it just fine, but she has her own personal zoo here.” He ran his hand through his hair. “Honestly, I think she just wants to spend time with you. Because, ah, you’re, ah, new. I mean, she loves her mother, it’s not that. But you’re . . .”

  “Different yet the same.” Considered this. “Maybe it’s the same with my kids. I’d bet my CA isn’t going to assign them field trip reports.”

  Martini laughed. “Hardly. She’s more likely to take them to the shooting range.”

  “After what happened to send me here and what’s going on in this world, I can get behind that idea.” Maybe, when I got home, I’d suggest a family trip to the shooting range. And maybe Charles wouldn’t flip out about it. Hey, it could happen.

  The com came on. “Excuse me, Mister and Missus Vice President Chief. Commander Reader says he needs to talk to you right away.”

  “Why is that, Walter?” Martini asked.

  “Because we appear to have a problem with the team in Paris.”

  CHAPTER 63

  IT WAS PROBABLY STUPID, but I’d really checked out the speeder’s controls on the trips though the tunnels. I flipped off the autopilot, revved the engine, and put the pedal to the metal.

  If the speeders had been fun in the tunnels, it was nothing compared to what they were like out on the surface. It was all I could do not to shout “Yee-hawwwww” every time we zipped around people, animals, cars, and buildings like they were not only standing still but going backward.

  The only thing I could compare it to was the speeder scene in Return of the Jedi, but this was better because I was doing the riding and driving instead of just watching it.

  I’d been worried about hitting things like birds, animals, or foliage—let alone cars and buildings—but the GPS system was really advanced, and I was warned in plenty of time to make adjustments. Sure, the warnings were nanoseconds before I reached the obstacles, but my reflexes were more than up to the task. It was exhilarating to be able to go this fast and control it, to zoom around a butterfly as easily as a building. For the first time, I really understood what Christopher was trying to train me to be able to do.

  Fortunately or not, depending on your perspective, we reached the outskirts of Martini Manor quickly. As was typical for this kind of compound, there was a high stone wall that surrounded the property, and there were a lot of trees and such on both sides of this wall.

  “You did well with the speeder,” Alfred said. “It was a bit reckless of you to take control yourself, of course.”

  “That ride is now in my Top Five Most Fun Things I’ve Done, Ever list. Besides, your GPS program is beyond amazing.”

  “Unlike you, ma’am, I was happy just enjoying the ride.”

  “Really? You fly jets for a living. I’d have thought you’d have done the same as me, honestly.”

  Cox grinned. “I’ll be happy to train on these puppies, but until then? I’ve never been much for the idea of going splat.”

  Stashed the speeders in an area thick with bushes. “You sure no one’s going to come along and jack these?” I asked Alfred.

  He pushed a button on each bike and they disappeared. “I doubt it.”

  “Wow, you know, I thought the invisibility shield and such came from the Ancient’s technology, not from you.”

  “It’s a simple process utilizing light refraction, Kitty.”

  Just like they used at the Crash Site Dome in my world. There would be no Dome here, so bringing it up was pointless. “You say tomato, I say blah, blah, blah, but okay. So, what’s our plan?”

  Everyone, cat and Poof included, stared at me. “Ah, I thought that was your bailiwick, ma’am,” Cox said finally.

  “Always the way. Okay, we need to determine how much and how deadly the security systems are that are guarding this place. Then we go over the wall, get inside, and see what’s what.”

  “That’s it?” Cox asked. “That’s your entire plan?”

  “Well, the general outline, yeah.”

  “We are gonna die.” Cox turned to Alfred. “Tell me you have something up your sleeve, sir. So to speak.”

  Alfred shrugged. “W
e’re essentially superpowered for this world, son. It’s not that bad a plan.”

  “Hyperspeed can handle most issues, though to show willing and support Bill’s concerns, I don’t know that we can handle a direct hit of anything strong like a laser or a death ray.”

  “Please tell me you were just using ‘death ray’ as an example, not because you know Goodman has one on hand.”

  “I have no idea what this world’s Mastermind has in the ways of Bond Villain weaponry, Bill, but I’ve got to assume our Masked Avenger has something that gives him the edge against all the many assassins and such he has working for him.”

  “We can’t handle a direct laser hit normally, but the bodysuits will help. Try not to get in the way of a death ray, son, that’s my advice.”

  “And good advice it is, too, Alfred. Harlie, Poof of the Multiverse, I believe you’re up.”

  “Harlie?” Alfred sounded worried now. Figured. Of course, I didn’t want Stripes doing recon if I could help it, either, so I felt his pain.

  “Poofs have amazing abilities, as you well know. Harlie, can you please safely and carefully do Alfred, Kitty, and Bill a huge solid and determine where it’s safe for all of us to enter this property and its various dwellings? We want to find the secret lair, but honestly, we also want to be sure that Cliff Goodman and LaRue of Death are hanging out here and that we’re not actually at the residence of Florida’s most successful drug lord.”

  Harlie mewled. Right, it had no idea who Cliff actually was, and less of a clue about LaRue. “Lunatic Lad, use your mad internet skills and see if you can whip up a picture of our man of the hour for Harlie to take a look at.” It was definitely easier to roll an offensive back home, possibly because everyone was trained back home. And possibly because the Poofs had been involved in the madness that was my life for a lot longer than the Harlie that was here.

  “How do I get my phone out of the bodysuit?”

  Dug through my purse and gave him my phone. “I’m sure you heard the code.”