A Garden Dream

by Jea Hawkins

  But not tonight. Tonight Emma’s shoulders were shaking as she poured all of her unspoken feelings – and about a gallon of salty tears – into her tissue. After a few deep breaths, she opened her mouth to speak, but the tears came once more.

  “Is she going to be okay?” she heard Waverly whisper over her head.

  “Oh yeah. She’ll be more than okay,” Fiona answered, shoving another tissue into Emma’s hand. “It’s about time she did this. Think about it – have we ever seen Em cry?”

  Murmurs around the table told Emma that, no, they hadn’t. Of course they hadn’t. She didn’t allow herself the luxury of opening up like this in front of anyone. Not even Crystal.

  No, she bit back every sniffle, tear, or word, until the bitterness of those feelings clogged her throat and there was no more room for them. Until they finally decided they had to break free.

  Some earth witch she was, blubbering like a moody water sign.

  “It’s… it’s not… Crystal’s…. fault,” she managed to say. With a deep breath, she fought to tame the sobs and sit upright. “It’s not Crystal’s fault,” she repeated.

  “Are you trying to convince us or yourself?” Gabe asked. Since Gabe worked as a bartender, Emma knew she had encountered her share of sob stories. Tales of woe were all too common to a bartender’s ears. Gabe had honed her ability to read people and ask the hard questions.

  Emma felt her nostrils flare as she clamped her lips together and tried to regain her composure. The truth was out, now. She might as well tell them everything. They wouldn’t judge her, she reminded herself. They were her friends. In a way, though, she didn’t want them to judge Crystal, either. Even if Crystal did deserve their judgment.

  “Remember last year when my mother had breast cancer?” she asked softly, a small hiccup making her words come out raggedly.

  “How could we forget?” Waverly asked. “You were there for her every step of the way, devoting all of your time and energy to anything she and your dad needed. Didn’t the doctor give the all-clear just this February?”

  “Yes.” Emma picked up the paper napkin next to her plate and folded the corner of it over between her thumb and forefinger. “And during that time, I might have been a devoted daughter, but I was not an attentive lover. That’s when it happened, right after Valentine’s Day, which I happened to forget this year.”

  She winced at the admission. What kind of person – especially one in a committed relationship, no less – forgot Valentine’s Day?

  “Let me make sure we’re hearing this correctly,” Fiona said. “While your mother was dealing with things like radiation and chemo, and you were helping take care of her and your father, your girlfriend cheated on you because you forgot Valentine’s Day? That was her excuse?”

  Emma nodded and felt her throat closing up on her again, a fresh torrent of tears threatening to fall. But she swallowed, pushed everything back and said, “It’s not Crystal’s fault. It’s my fault. I wasn’t there for her.”

  “Pardon my language, but what the fuck?” Waverly grasped her hand, demanding Emma’s attention. “No, Emma, it’s not your fault. How could you even think that?”

  “If I was a better girlfriend, I would have found the time to do something for her.”

  “No. Hell no.” Emma had never seen Waverly so angry in her life. Sure, Waverly was usually an emotional mess, awkward and fretful. But angry? This was a first and Emma drew back at the expression on her friend’s face. Waverly’s brows drew together and she scowled as her hand tightened around Emma’s wrist.

  “Wave,” Emma began.

  “No. Don’t you ‘Wave’ me. How could you blame yourself for this? It was her decision, Em, her decision to screw around behind your back, and what a shitty, shitty time to do it. You spent months and months bringing your mother to appointments, cooking meals for her and your father, just so your dad could keep going to work every day and not have to worry about the little things in life with a sick wife and all. There is absolutely no excuse for someone to do something like that to you in that kind of situation. Why are you still with her?”

  Another hand settled atop Waverly’s, this one a little paler. “You need to let her talk,” Avery said, curling her fingers around her sister’s hand and removing it from Emma’s wrist. “She has something to say. Let her say it.”

  Emma looked at her and tried to smile. “Thank you, Avery. And you’re right, Waverly. I know you’re trying to validate my feelings, but I don’t even know what my feelings are right now.”

  “Blaming yourself is normal,” Gabe said as she poured glasses of wine and served them around the table. “Even if you don’t deserve part or any of the blame, it’s human nature to look at how we might be culpable for our own circumstances.” She sat on the other side of Fiona and they exchanged a look Emma remembered well.

  It was the kind of look she and Crystal used to give each other until real life had crashed in on them.

  “Okay, so how are you going to figure out your feelings, and what are you going to do about this?” Waverly asked.

  “I don’t know, but I do know this isn’t our only problem.” Emma took in a shuddering breath and looked around at the circle of familiar faces. Trusting them usually came easily, but sharing her problems was an entirely different matter. She was the person they came to with their problems. How could she turn around and dump hers on them? What kind of leader would she be if they realized she wasn’t perfect?

  “Do you want to tell us what else is going on?” Avery asked.

  No. “All of it is failing.”

  “What do you mean?”

  Emma wanted to close her eyes, to not see their expressions when she admitted the truth, but she forced herself to look at her friends as she spoke. “Everything in my life, my relationship, even my shop. It’s as if life and work are reflecting the way my relationship has come crashing down around me.”

  “Well,” Fiona said after a heartbeat, “that makes sense. All of it is intertwined, after all. You live and work with Crystal, so any negativity between you two is just going to resonate in a ripple effect. Not only that but, and no offense, you hold everything inside. So that kind of frustration just builds up until it has to find a way out. It will find the path of least resistance and then destroy whatever it encounters. That’s what holding onto negativity does to us.”

  Emma knew Fiona spoke from personal experience. After all, it was that kind of resentment that had worsened her father’s condition until he passed away in a drunk driving accident.

  “What do you want to do about it?” Gabe asked.

  It was a question typical of an analytical air witch, and Emma shook her head. “I’ve been asking myself the same thing for months now and I just don’t know. I think… I don’t know, but I think I need to do something wild.”

  “Wild? You?” Waverly snorted and picked up her wine glass.

  Emma ignored the attitude. She knew Waverly didn’t mean it. Mostly. “Yes, something to shake things up. I feel stuck in everything I do. I’ve never really done anything crazy. I live across the street from my parents, for goodness sake. And I’ve been with the same woman for seven years. I might as well be married.”

  The word brought tears to her eyes again. They had talked about that in the past, but never quite gotten around to making a decision. Now she had an entirely different decision to make about her future, and that was whether or not she wanted to continue to share it with Crystal.

  Chapter 3

  Emma knelt in the garden and went through the motions of her usual morning routine. Check the plants, make sure they had enough water, ensure they were growing well and facing the right direction to get the best sunlight, give them a magickal boost, and move on to the next one.

  The routine was like everything else in her life – reliable, steady, safe.

  Boring.

  She reached up and rubbed the back of her neck. Last night certainly hadn’t been boring, though she wanted to forge
t any of it happened. Now there were four other people outside of her and Crystal who knew the truth. Every word had tumbled out of her unintentionally, but she had been powerless to stop the story.

  Plants, at least, weren’t complicated. They just needed the sun, water, and a little attention. Why couldn’t people be that easy?

  What a fool love had turned Emma into. From being so sure of herself and how to care for others, to this mess of unfamiliar emotion. Before she knew what she was doing, Emma was sitting cross-legged on the ground and staring at the blossoms on the roses.

  The roses existed on this property before Emma purchased it. At first, Crystal had been overjoyed to see them. Their petals were pure white and almost appeared to glow at night. Emma didn’t mind that they couldn’t grow much here because Crystal loved the roses so much.

  But this year the roses didn’t have the same pure, fragrant blooms. They seemed to be in distress and no amount of Emma’s magick since spring had perked them up. The blossoms and leaves were droopy, as if they had just given up.

  “I’m sorry,” Emma whispered, reaching out to touch one of the flowers, “but I just don’t know what else to do.” The thought that her emotional negativity was affecting the land was like a fist to the gut and she felt tears burn at her eyes again. All of this was her fault.

  After a heartbeat, she heard footsteps crunching along the dirt path toward her. She wasn’t expecting anyone and she would know that energy anywhere.

  Emma blinked back the unshed tears, rose to her feet, and brushed the dirt off the back of her jeans. When she turned to face Crystal, she saw that her girlfriend’s arms were folded and she was frowning.

  “They aren’t getting any better, are they?” Crystal asked.

  Emma looked at the girl standing before her and tried to remember how she used to feel about her. How she felt when they first met. Something.

  What had drawn her to Crystal? Sure, she was beautiful, but that never mattered to Emma. She was a witch, certainly a plus. But what spark had ignited between them that made Emma decide Crystal was the one?

  The fact that she couldn’t remember made her wonder if Waverly was right to question why they were still together.

  “No.” Emma realized her throat was dry and tried to speak again. “No, they aren’t. I’m trying, but it’s just not working.”

  “I guess I’m not surprised.” Crystal ran her fingers through her long, golden blonde hair and shrugged. “At least you tried. Maybe we just need to accept that this is the end. They’re done. Just tired of growing year after year. Things just reach the end of their natural lifecycle and we can’t do anything about it.”

  The hammering of Emma’s heart inside her chest took her breath away and she closed her eyes. If she couldn’t recall why she fell in love with Crystal, why did her words hurt so much? The ground spun when she opened her eyes, so she closed them again and crouched to keep from falling over. After another breath, Emma reached forward and pressed her hands to the earth.

  That grainy feeling beneath her palms helped her breathe, calmed her heartbeat, and soothed her senses. “And sometimes,” she whispered, “the life cycle reaches its end before we are ready to let it go.”

  She heard Crystal scoff and scrape the sole of her shoe over the dirt path. “And sometimes there are people who are happy to just let it die off without even making an effort to see if it could thrive with the right care.”

  It was the closest either of them had come to an accusation of wrong-doing on either side. Emma pushed herself to her feet and finally faced Crystal. She knew this was a long time in coming, but it was still hard to look her girlfriend in the eyes.

  “I am doing everything I can, Crystal. I don’t want to let them die, but they’re done.”

  “Fine. I guess roses are like animals and children. They can sense what the adults around them are thinking and feeling.”

  Did Crystal blame her for the negativity? Emma bristled and clenched her fists at her side. “I’m sorry I let you down, but you’re right – we just need to accept that this is the end. Maybe it’s better this way.”

  Crystal stared at her, hazel eyes wide and shimmering with tears. Emma supposed that even if she expected to hear that declaration, it still hurt. Goodness knew it hurt her to acknowledge it out loud, but there it was. Even this balmy, honeysuckle-scented day, which should have brought back memories of their wonderful summers together, couldn’t mitigate the damage they had done to one another.

  “So that’s it.” Crystal’s voice trembled. “We’re really done?”

  “Isn’t that what you wanted?”

  During a minute that stretched into eternity, Crystal shook her head, open-mouthed. “No,” she finally said. “That’s not what I wanted. I wanted you to always love me. I know I screwed that up, but I didn’t come here to talk you into ending it. I came here to talk to you about it, to acknowledge that I did something wrong, and see if we can figure out how to let go of it.”

  “How can you possibly expect me to let go of it?” Emma pressed her hands to her chest and felt her heart beating beneath them. “I’ve tried. Believe me, I’ve tried, but I can’t keep doing this. Every time I bury my feelings, they just take me under with them until I forget when it’s fine to be angry and sad, and when it’s the right time to be happy.”

  Crystal’s head and shoulders drooped, and she twisted her foot back and forth, digging her heel into the dirt of the path. Then she covered the shallow divot and raised her gaze back to Emma’s. “I still want to work it out, not end it. I came here to say I think we should see a relationship counselor. Both of us need some help in this department.”

  Now it was Emma’s turn to scoff. She folded her arms and shrugged. “I’m not in the habit of telling people my sob stories. You know that. Besides, I’m not sure I want to hear details about what happened. Knowing it happened is enough for me.”

  “Look, Em, I love you. That hasn’t changed. Even when I was doing something stupid and hurtful, I still loved you. What’s changed is I did something I regret, because it hurt you. That’s something I never wanted to do to you.”

  “Then why did you do it?” It seemed like a logical question to ask, except it was the one question she still didn’t want to put out there. She could think of any number of responses Crystal might have. Because Emma was too busy for her, because Crystal couldn’t take the burden of having a close family member with cancer, because she’d needed an escape, because she’d needed Emma to drop everything and just be with her. The pendulum of blame could swing either way.

  Crystal twisted her hands together in front of her and Emma could see her struggling with how to say what was on her mind. It was so confusing, she realized, because she could see both sides. She could see how it was Crystal’s fault for cheating, as well as her own fault for not being there for her. Sure, Emma had an excuse. She was caring for her mother through a difficult time, a mother she could have lost. But that didn’t mean she didn’t bear at least some responsibility for neglecting her relationship.

  “All of it is failing,” Crystal pointed out with a toss of her hair. “Not just our relationship, but our business, even our roses. Fucking roses. You can’t even take care of them anymore because you’re so upset, but you won’t talk about your emotions, will you? No, you just bury them, like you bury everything else.”

  “That is not the point,” Emma answered evenly.

  “It’s very much the point. I should know plenty about emotions because, hello, I’m the water witch here. My life is nothing but absorbing what everyone else around me is feeling and having to shield myself from that. Meanwhile, you just trot along like everything is fine, just fine. You could be sitting in a burning room and as long as everyone else got out, you’d think it was okay. But it’s not okay, Emma. It’s not okay that you can turn a blind eye to how everyone else around you feels and just take everything as it comes without so much as batting an eyelash. Sometimes people…”

  The wa
y Crystal pressed both her hands to her chest and leaned forward, Emma wondered if she was going to fall over. But her girlfriend just blinked rapidly and shook her head.

  “Sometimes people need more than that, Em. Sometimes they need more than old faithful, little miss reliable. They need passion and connection, and to know the other person shares their feelings. I strayed. Both of us know that and I wouldn’t be surprised if we’re the only two people in the world who know. You won’t even tell your friends things that matter to you. I know, because I used to be one of those friends – used to come to circles, but you’ve cut me out of them ever since. But I remember sitting there with people who used to be my friends too, wondering if you would say anything about what you were going through with your mother. And you didn’t. Not once did you complain.”

  Emma lifted her chin a fraction and braced her hands on her hips. “Because complaining about something over which I had no power wouldn’t have changed it,” she answered, the words halting as if they didn’t want to be spoken. “My mother had cancer. She needed care. What good would complaining have done me?”

  “A lot of good! People need to vent, Em!” Crystal held her hands in front of her and her gaze locked onto Emma’s. “People need to vent. It’s human. Our emotions are sometimes too much for us to handle and there is nothing wrong with that. Why can’t you let that be okay for you?”

  “So you cheated on me because I don’t express my emotions?” Emma shrugged one shoulder and looked back at the wilting roses. “That’s a ridiculous excuse and I don’t accept it as a logical reason.”

  “It’s one of many excuses if that’s what you want to call my reasons for doing something so stupid.” After another heartbeat, another moment of silence, Crystal turned and stalked back toward the house. “Fine, if you don’t want to work it out, we won’t work it out. Whatever. I can’t believe this is where we are now. I’ll start looking for a place of my own and try to get out of your hair as soon as I can.”