Rotten

by Brooks, JL

  “You seem pretty excited. Was there a clearance sale on granny panties?”

  I nodded up and down. “Fuck yeah, full ass coverage, wedgie proof, you know it!”

  David bit his knuckle, laughing as we sped down the road. I was able to walk pretty well when we got to the hospital, so he left me for a while to go and pick up some more supplies for the bar.

  I held my daddy’s hands and brushed along the scruff growing on his chin. Even unconscious, he was still so roguish and handsome. His arms were covered in turquoise ink from days gone by. Spider-webs ran along his elbows together with skulls and swords. There were naked women and military symbols of his travels around the world. A few peeked out from his chest underneath the light blue hospital gown. My daddy, the tough guy, holding on with everything he had.

  “I went to the bar last night, Daddy. I beat the shit out of your girlfriend. You know she was stealing, right? Should have seen the look on her face, it was priceless. Oh, and I love the girls behind the bar. They are amazing. I didn’t get to meet the dancers, but I will tonight. I promised I would come and help out. The place needs some structure, if that’s possible. David’s doing a good job, but you know, other things.”

  I felt the tears start to warm up beneath my eyes.

  “Daddy, I need you to wake up, please, I don’t know what to do. Ever since I got here, me and David…God, we’re going round and round. I was so wrong, Daddy; I had no idea. He didn’t mean to hurt me. I’m sorry I did that to you. I know I can’t change it, but if I could, I would take it back. I would take so much back. I have been so rotten. Please wake up so you know I am sorry.”

  My chest started to rattle as I cried my heart out. I wanted nothing more than my father to wake up and know I loved him. When Father Joseph told me to come back here, I thought he was crazy, but now I knew why he told me to do it. This is where it started, and this is where it would end. My broken marriage hadn’t even crossed my radar since I arrived, which was a sign something more was at play. I confessed I thought about other men all the time, and nothing even came close compared to the lust racing in my veins every second I spent with David. Those daydreams that tortured me now seemed like commercials playing during a movie…nothing more than a fragment of the big picture.

  “I think I’m in trouble, Daddy.”

  Resting my head against his chest, I didn’t hear David walking through the door and into the room. His hand rested on my shoulder and squeezed lightly.

  “You ready?”

  Startled and scared that he heard my conversation, I looked wide-eyed at him for a moment. If he had, he gave nothing away.

  “Yeah.”

  Kissing my daddy on his forehead, I grabbed David’s hand as we made our way to the elevator. I leaned into him while riding down and closed my eyes, thanking God for this moment. I could be doing this alone, but I wasn’t. He gave me someone who knew exactly what I was feeling when I needed it the most. I squeezed his hand and brought it to my mouth, gently pressing my lips against his thumb. He squeezed back, knowing what I meant.

  The ride back was quiet. We pulled into his driveway, and I retrieved my bags, then crawled back into bed after turning on the swamp coolers. David crawled into the bed with me. It was Saturday, which meant that tonight The Spur was going to be packed, and I needed all my energy. We napped in each other’s arms until seven o’clock when the alarm on his cell phone woke us up. Digging into my bags, I pulled out one of the outfits I bought and got dressed. When I walked into the living room, he gave a low whistle as I circled around.

  “What exactly are you trying to prove in that, woman?”

  I winked and picked up my purse while heading to the door. “That I know what the fuck I am doing.”

  I walked into the Spur feeling like a rock star. No longer were there questions of who was in charge. Something unfamiliar and intoxicating came over me. I trailed my fingers along the patrons sitting at the bar as I made my way past to the opening at the end. Smiles followed me all around as the new queen bee took her place. The girls grinned as I picked up my bottle opener and shoved it in my back pocket while finding my spot. The coolers were empty, not a good sign so early in the night.

  “Who is the bar back? There’s no excuse for this shit!”

  Kelsie pointed in the corner to a young girl making out with her boyfriend at the end of the counter. Frustrated, I made my way over and stood in front of her, waiting for her to notice I was there. When it didn’t happen, I picked up the soda handle and sprayed them both with water.

  “If you work here, then work. If not, get the fuck out.”

  Both of them just sat there, shocked that they were soaked. Disgruntled, the girl hopped off her boyfriend’s lap and slinked under the bar. Obviously irritated, she started to stock the dispensers with a large pack of cocktail napkins.

  I walked behind her and yelled in her ear, “Loose the ‘tude, baby. I can replace you in a heartbeat.”

  She suddenly smiled and picked up the pace. Grabbing the boxes of beer from the back cooler, I went to help her get caught up.

  “I don’t know what you’re used to here, but shit’s going to change.”

  I knew she thought I was a major bitch, but she was getting tipped out for doing a job. If she wasn’t doing her job, she didn’t deserve any tips. There were no issues the rest of the night, and the girls looked to me with gratitude.

  “That’s Lisa, Nichele’s little sister; she’s not use to being bossed around.”

  I winked. “If she plans on working here, she sure as hell better get used to it.”

  They all smiled and went about taking care of the customers as I made sure everything fell into place. This wasn’t anything that I expected to be doing, but I was actually having fun. For the first time in years, I loved what I was doing.

  David would occasionally come behind the bar, but I would wave him away. When the others smiled broadly, he knew I had it under control. The place roared with excitement and grew humid from the sweaty bodies. I watched as the girls moved about on stage, earning their money with every swing of their hips. They worked hard, I could tell. I was always so judgmental, but I saw it with new eyes. One of the girls came to the bar and shoved her way past the patrons.

  As she held out a five, I walked over to her.

  “What do you need, honey?”

  “Just water, if you don’t mind.”

  I glanced at her bill and refused it. Did she seriously expect to tip for water? I grabbed two glasses and filled them up. She downed them both and looked grateful. When she placed the five down again, I pushed it back.

  “It’s water, keep your money.”

  She reached out her hand, which I took and shook heavily.

  “Jodie, pleasure.”

  Jodie was one of the most attractive ones. I could tell she was younger, but she held an air of confidence. With dark, long, shiny tresses, and seductive brown eyes, she could charm the wallet out of any one of these sorry bastards. Her tan skin was kissed perfectly by the desert sun, and her body was rock solid from her pole acrobatics. As she walked away, I watched as several men simply slid bills in her garter just for stopping by. When she graced the stage, she captured the attention of the whole room.

  I knew I would like this girl. She was no nonsense. I met a few of the others through the course of the night, but she certainly stood out.

  After announcing last call, I finished the rush and went to take a break in the office. Emptying the bottle of water, I looked up and noticed the row of ledgers on the top shelf. Being nosy, I took one down and started to glance over the entries.

  Seven hundred dollars, Sloan Elementary Football. Six hundred and forty dollars, Sloan Baptist Church food pantry. Nine Hundred dollars, Sloan’s Children’s Land. Over and over, I absorbed every line. Hundreds of thousands of dollars were used to support local needs. My father was keeping this town alive. I sunk to the floor, holding the books.

  This must have been what David was going
to show me. He thought I would be pissed to know that my daddy’s money was spent on this. I couldn’t be more humbled. My dad used what he had to help others. He used this money to put me through school, and how did I repay him? He gave and gave – that’s why his house was falling to shit. He was blowing his money making sure that the kiddos had new uniforms, or that the families had enough to eat. He sacrificed so others did not have to do without.

  I curled into the fetal position, devastated at my misconceptions of my father and this place. I wondered if they knew what he was doing. I wondered why he let that stupid bitch rob him blind. So many more questions poured in that I didn’t have answers to. When I didn’t come out again, David went looking for me. Opening the door and seeing me on the ground, he immediately dropped to his knees and pulled me close.

  “Is this what you were going to show me? Is this why you thought I would be pissed?” I set the ledgers down and fell deeper into his chest.

  “Yeah, part of it. I didn’t know how to tell you. He doesn’t make anything here; he gives it all away. It’s barely enough to cover the bar and his house. Luckily, he took out some health insurance, but we’re just paying the premiums as we go. If he doesn’t wake up, you’re all that’s left. Our fate is in your hands. If you decide you don’t want this place, you can shut it down.”

  I was transported back to my desk in Indy…the one where the destiny of troubled kids rested in my hands. Once again I was left to make a decision that impacted the lives of many, and neither answer was desirable. If I shut down the club, I destroyed one of the few resources that kept this town thriving. If I kept it open, I was committing myself to a life of judgment and rejection. It was too much to think about tonight. I stood and placed the ledgers back on the shelf and walked to the door. David grabbed my shoulders and pulled me tight as I cried. He knew the weight resting on them, because it rested on him, too.

  Lacing my arms around his waist, I held on until everything was gone. Exhausted, he led me out the door and through the club. Everything was shut down, and a small pile of bills sat on the bar.

  “They refused to take your cut.”

  Holding the stack in my hands, I shoved it in my purse and kept walking. The cool night greeted my sore bones. David held the door on the GT and waited until I was secured. Driving back in silence, we crawled once again into the bed that had become our refuge. As soon as my head hit the pillow, I was dead to the world. Darkness overcame me, and the vivid dreams reappeared.

  I was eighteen and had just received my acceptance letter. My daddy’s face held the bittersweet expression of defeat.

  “I’m proud of you, pumpkin, but you don’t have to leave Nevada. Maybe go to Arizona or California. I will pay for you to go anywhere. Indiana is awfully far away. I don’t know how often I can visit.”

  I held the letter, beaming with excitement. It was finally my chance to make a decision. A new place, new faces, no one to tear me down or mock me. I could go to a closer school, but they offered a full ride.

  “Daddy, let me go, please? I need this!”

  My voice was desperate. I couldn’t see the anguish in his eyes beyond my own selfish needs. He knew once I left there was no coming back. Saying yes meant he was losing me forever.

  “I just want you to be happy. If this is what you want, then this is what you will do. I won’t stop you.”

  I jumped into his arms, nearly knocking him over.

  “Oh thank you, Daddy, thank you! I promise you won’t regret it. I will work so hard, I will make you so proud!”

  He leaned in and kissed my forehead while stroking the back of my head.

  “Toni, I am already so proud of you. More than you will ever know.”

  I opened my eyes to the soft sound of David snoring next to me, his chest lightly rising and falling with each breath. His arm held my hip possessively through the night. When I went to move, he groaned and pulled me closer. I reached my hand up and started to trace the crest of his cheeks and jaw. He moved slightly, but did not wake up. I continued down his neck and shoulders to the small of his back.

  His palm flexed and started to rub gently along my sides. I knew I shouldn’t be here, but I was. Nothing had conspired between us, but the tension was there. Years of pent-up emotions were finally allowed to surface, leaking slowly from the top. I loved this man with all of my being. I couldn’t confess it, but it was engrained in my soul. He was the first man I ever loved, and probably always would love. Before me laid my heart’s desire, caught in a deep slumber in my arms. If only all of life could be this perfect, my broken heart might actually mend.

  The loud chime of an incoming call caused me to groan before I rolled over. David’s fingertips dug into my hip. “Don’t get it; call them back,” he said sleepily.

  I breathed out a sigh of resignation. “They might be him, as in my husband. I haven’t talked to him in a few days…just random texts.”

  I felt the air push out of his lungs and blow over my eyelashes. His fingers released their grip so I could check and see who was indeed calling.

  “Drew, good morning.”

  “It may be morning for you, but it’s a little after noon. I just left mass and thought this might be a good time to catch you. Did I wake you?”

  I coughed a little to clear my throat. The heavy cigarette smoke and liquid from the fog machines had done a number on me.

  “Yeah, went out last night. Did you see Fr. Joseph by chance?”

  The line grew quiet. “I did, that’s why I haven’t called. He told me that you are setting things right in your soul and not to worry – God has it all under control.”

  A large smile grew over my face at the priest’s kind words and made my heart ache at the same time.

  “My soul is definitely doing something. It’s a good thing God is in control because I am a fucking wreck.” My hand pulled to my mouth as soon as the words left it. I never cursed in front of Andrew.

  “Did you just say what I think you did?”

  “I’m sorry. It has been rough out here. I didn’t mean to curse.” Massaging my palm against my forehead, I paced the room back and forth, waiting for him to respond.

  After a few moments, he sounded apprehensive. “Well, I am going to go. The guys have tickets to a Cyclones game in Cincinnati, so I will be gone for the afternoon.”

  I laughed while looking at David who was leaning against the headboard with a sullen expression. “I didn’t know you liked hockey. Ask your buddies if they have heard of David Stark. Maybe if I sweet talk him, I can get you an autograph.”

  “Um, okay, Annie. Talk to you later.”

  “Bye.” I hung up the phone and walked away before he could see me cry. There was no “I love you” or “I miss you.”

  It was a courtesy call, like a cable company asking if your service was okay.

  Since I was up, I started to boil water to make coffee. Banging the kettle against the sink, I could feel the desire to fight flow through my veins. I wanted to scream or punch something. So I did. My small fist made a divot in the drywall of David’s kitchen. I barely felt the rips in the thin skin across my knuckles or the warm blood oozing out. In a flash, he was behind me, holding tight to restrain me from doing any more damage.

  “Push it out, Toni, keep fighting. Don’t hold it in.”

  I continued to jerk under his iron grip until my muscles grew fatigued, and the angry screams turned to anguished sobs. Under most circumstances, you want a person to calm down, but David was the opposite. He knew exactly where I was and what I needed to do to get through this. He knew I was desperate, and desperate people did desperate things. He has seen me in this place before, and the fear I may take the same course of action must rest in the back of his mind. I would never do such a thing, but history would never let him forget.

  I could hear myself sound feral as I wrestled him on the ground. “God, woman you’re strong.” His teeth gritted together as he had to move swiftly to keep me caged. Twenty minutes must have p
assed by before I was finally subdued.

  Pinned down by his thighs and arms, I rolled my head to the side. “Uncle.”

  David gave a hearty laugh but refused to let me up. I always said that, knowing he would laugh and I would attack him the moment he let me up. Looking back up at him, the warm tears poured down my cheeks and into my ears. His face dropped and he moved his legs to free them. I did not buck or kick; I wouldn’t fight this time. His hands came down to my face, the pads of his thumbs wiping the tears away. As I reached up to run my fingers through his hair, he closed his eyes and leaned into them.

  “I love you.”

  His eyes opened at my words. As he hovered over my body, I relaxed my knees and allowed him to sink deeper into my hips. I wasn’t trying to seduce him; I just wanted him close. I wanted to know what it felt like to have someone who cared about me within the short distance of a kiss. To feel the way their bodies trembled under my fingers. To know I could still do that. I traced his full pink lips with my index finger and felt his breathing grow shallow.

  “I love you, too, Toni.”

  “Please kiss me.” My voice was shaky and pleading, as if I needed this kiss to keep me among the living. I did.

  He tilted his head, and his mouth came down softly over my own. As he pressed gently, I started to melt. Shifting his weight more onto his elbows, he cradled my face as I began to cry hard. He didn’t stop; he knew he couldn’t. For my sake, I needed this moment of intimacy to feel not only feminine and human, but loved. The world stopped when his lips touched mine. The thrill I felt the first time he kissed me hummed sweetly in my veins. He broke our contact all too soon and placed one more feather-light kiss across my forehead. Standing up, he reached his hand down to me and pulled me close to him in the most protective embrace.

  “You’re not a fucking wreck. You are the strongest, most beautiful, foul-mouthed woman I know. Who you were on that phone is not you. You should never have to apologize for who you are. I thought you would know that by now. And I know God is in control, too.”