Rotten

by Brooks, JL

  “How big is it? I know you have measured it.”

  He held it in the palm of his hand, stroking back and forth with tenderness.

  “Eight and a quarter.” He smiled proudly at the monster in his hand. I had never seen a man’s penis in person, so I had nothing to measure it against except my tampons, which only caused a little discomfort. This may very well kill me.

  “You’re going to be fine, Toni. I promise I’ll take care of you.” He smiled as he dove down between my legs once more and gently licked the most sensitive spots. As he brought me back to the edge, I was panting hard when he came back up and began to kiss my lips. I could taste myself, slightly sweet and earthy, and not at all as unpleasant as I imagined.

  “Do you like how I taste down there?” I couldn’t imagine that anyone would want their mouth on my privates, although I wouldn’t complain if it ever happened again.

  “Sssshhhhh…I do.” His tongue dipped in the hollow of my throat and gently licked back up to my mouth. Gone was the awkward boy who forced me to kiss him through bribery. I knew he kissed the “lots of girls” he claimed he would. They never ceased to rub it in my face every chance they got. I pushed the anger at my classmates out of my head and focused on this moment.

  His hands slid down my legs and wrapped them around his waist. Beneath him, I was so small, yet he covered me like a shelter protecting me from harm. He reached down between us and grabbed his swollen cock, gently rubbing the head against my wetness. As he poised at the entrance, he was resting on his elbows. With his other hand, his thumbs traced back and forth across my lips as he leaned down and softly placed feather-light kisses across my face while continuing to tease me. I felt myself start to contract and reach out for him, hungry and instinctively knowing what was about to happen. Baser human cravings ignited a firestorm of lust. “I am going to put my thumb in your mouth; I want you to pretend it’s something else and show me how you would suck on it.”

  He smiled as I opened my mouth slowly and began to caress his thumb with my tongue, swirling around the top and length. I looked to him for approval; I needed him to think I was good, even though he knew I had no clue what the hell I was doing. As the salty flavor of his skin coated my tongue, I suddenly bit down hard as pain ripped through my body.

  “Take it out, take it out!” I cried.

  I tried to back away, but he held me in place.

  “Breathe, Toni…breathe, baby, it’s over.”

  He moved out of me slowly as I rolled to my side and curled into the fetal position. David rubbed comfortingly along my thigh, concern washing over his face.

  “I had to distract you so you wouldn’t tense up. I know it hurt, but it would have been worse if you were expecting it.”

  The pain started to dull and become more of a pulsing ache. I turned onto my back apprehensively. “It won’t hurt like that again? You promise?”

  He shook his head. “No, baby, that was it; that was the worst part. It should start to feel good now.”

  Already guiding my legs apart, he came over me once again and started to kiss me deeply. His tongue aggressively danced around mine, devouring every part of me. I felt the head once again begin to probe, this time more gently, and I tensed up. As he slowly started to enter me, I felt my inner walls stretch as I took every inch of him. It did not hurt as he promised, and was just a little uncomfortable. Within moments, deep moans were crawling out of my chest in response to his easy thrusts.

  “I told you, baby, it would feel good. Do I feel good? Tell me.”

  My heart was melting as he called me baby, feeling him inside of me; I never wanted this to end.

  I couldn’t speak, I was so overwhelmed. I could no longer tell what was day or night, reality or just a dream. Every sense was keenly aware of him. The way he looked at me from above, so full of love and kindness. The small beads of sweat forming on his brow and upper lip that ran into my mouth when he would pause to kiss me. He started to move faster and lowered himself so that we were chest-to-chest, with the slick friction of his body against mine. I lifted my hips slightly to take him in deeper, which only made him groan louder.

  He began to grunt heavily, and in between breaths, he whispered in my ear, “I love you, Toni.”

  Repeatedly he said the words my soul longed to hear, and in this fragile moment of vulnerability, he gave me exactly what I needed. I did not see the stars or scream like they told me, but my heart burst open with happiness as his body rattled and emptied into mine. He took care not to hurt me as he collapsed, and I simply clung to his shoulders as he rested between my legs, panting hard, with both of us covered in a thin sheen of sweat. After taking a few moments to recover, he slowly started to back out of me, leaving an emptiness I had never known before.

  Suddenly shy, I asked the only thing that came to mind. “Was I good, David?”

  My voice was quiet and afraid. I didn’t want to be a disappointment to him. He did not answer right away, and I started to cry.

  “I knew it, I knew I would suck. Please don’t tell anyone.” My hands shielded my face in embarrassment. I trembled against the pillows, unable to stop.

  He sat next to me and pulled me into his lap, tucking me under his chin and holding tight. “Toni, you didn’t suck. You were perfect, you are perfect. Don’t cry.”

  Him telling me to stop only made me cry even more. His arms still held tight and pulled me down across his chest, where we laid in silence for some time. My hand absentmindedly stroked his abdomen and the dark trail of hair leading downward. I grew brave and lightly grazed my fingers across the length of his shaft, feeling the velvet softness like nothing I had ever touched before.

  I turned to look up at him, and he simply nodded his head, giving me the go ahead to keep exploring. Propping my body across his chest to get a closer look, I held the weight of his testicles in my hands, and gently prodded to feel what was inside. I couldn’t imagine what I was doing could be taken as sensual, yet his body began to react to my timid movements.

  I didn’t ask permission. I brought his cock to my lips and ran my tongue gently across the top, hearing the sharp intake of breath it caused. His hips rose upwards towards my face, while his hand threaded through my hair, encouraging me to keep going. I started to recall what was written in The Joy of Sex book that one of my father’s many girlfriends gifted to him. Holding firmly with one hand, I stroked back and forth lightly as my mouth took as much of him in as I could without gagging. David’s eyes closed and his mouth parted. His body would slightly jerk occasionally in response, causing his grip on my hair to tighten briefly. I was not there long before he nudged me off. He rolled another condom on and stood up, holding his hand out to guide me up as well.

  “What are you doing?” I asked while scooting off of the bed.

  His forceful kisses backed me against the wall where he then leaned down and gripped both of my thighs, lifting me up off my feet.

  “Wrap your legs around me and hold onto my shoulders.” I did as he directed and felt him move one arm to guide himself back into me. Gravity pulled me down faster and more painfully than I expected. With both of his hands behind my knees, he used the wall to keep me pinned in place. Each thrust stole my breath. I bit his collarbone and chin, unable to do much more.

  “You’re so small, Toni. I just had to fuck you here against the wall.” He was not as gentle this time, but I was okay. His eyes never left mine as he drove into me recklessly. Still holding me around his waist, he turned and gently laid me on the bed, but held onto my knees. He pressed them into my chest as he slowly moved in and out.

  “You feel so fucking good, I don’t want to come, yet.”

  All I could do was grab the blanket on either side of me and hope I wouldn’t break in two. His thrusting grew faster and more urgent. The pounding in my body caused me to start crying out. He grabbed my hips and held me in place as he came forcefully, searing me with a flash of pain.

  With soft fingers, he brushed the hair stuck to
my forehead way from my face.

  “Are you okay?”

  I nodded while draping my legs back down to each side of his hips. He brushed his lips lightly across mine, and I watched his face grow dark.

  “Don’t worry, I am not going to tell anyone about us. You can’t either.”

  I froze in his arms. “Why not?”

  His voice was low as leaned into me. “You just can’t, okay?”

  A million thoughts swirled in my head. I just gave him the most important part of me, and I wasn’t allowed to share it. Not that I would – there was no one to tell.

  “I won’t.”

  Being alone is a strange feeling. Not just separated from the physical presence of another person, but also emotionally and spiritually feeling as if every bond with humanity has been severed. Your mind struggles to wrap itself around it, fabricating excuses as to why. Despair was an emotion that I had feasted on for weeks, and this – this was absolute and utter desolation. My soul was as dry as the desert that surrounded me.

  I thought the first time I tried to take my life that I was alone. I know now I was terribly mistaken. Then I was just a lost little girl who misunderstood the intentions of others. Now I was nothing more than a piece of matter consuming precious resources better left for others who deserved it. My back scratched and drew blood as it slid down the rough plaster wall to the ground. I felt it, yet I wouldn’t call it pain, just receptors messaging my brain that my skin had experienced lesions and needed to send the proper cells to repair it. I was that disconnected from what was happening.

  Looking around his house, I wanted to run, hop on a plane, go somewhere, but there was nowhere to run. I told myself I wouldn’t cry, but I did and hard. I cried for my father who was slipping away every moment. I cried for my broken marriage, and the kids I worked with back home. I cried for the girls who worked for me here, and I cried for David. Those tears burned the most and fell with unforgiving force. I let my grief wash over me in waves, sometimes soft and numbing, and then quickly sweeping me under, pounding me against shoreline.

  It was unfair of David to leave me like this to battle my demons alone. We could have fought them together. After all, isn’t that what love does? He said that he loved me too much, but not enough to understand that when he walked out the door, he took the last sliver of hope within me, leaving only dust in his wake.

  Still naked, I crawled into the kitchen and pulled a bottle of vodka from the freezer. It was only half-full, but enough to knock me out. I chased the gulps with juice, taking in as much as quickly as possible. It didn’t take long for the liquor to course through my body with warmth. I took a few more gulps for good measure and walked to the bathroom to wash my face. As the cool water splashed over my eyes, I could feel how puffy and swollen my face was under my fingertips. All of the crying formed a headache even the vodka could not erase.

  Opening the medicine cabinet to look for an aspirin, my gaze fell upon a sight that shook me to the core. Tenderly grazing the small, brown pill bottle visibly full of little white oxycodone tablets, my heartbeat started to pound with fear. I felt the presence of something heavy come over me as the thoughts flashed violently. The bottle started to burn in my hand, causing me to drop it into the sink. Although still unopened, I picked it up again and cracked the lid, pouring the contents into the toilet. Flushing the handle with anger, I screamed at myself for thinking it, even for a split second.

  Falling to the ground, I felt the presence holding me tight, whispering to my soul.

  “You have come too far

  I am not finished with you, yet

  Hold on my child

  You are not alone”

  I had always believed in God, although lately we hadn’t really been on speaking terms. I still prayed, but my heart had grown very hard. My pessimism kept God from being able to move, in addition to my not wanting to admit I needed help. This was the first time I experienced what some would call divine intervention. There was no other way to explain the clarity I felt despite the amount of alcohol I consumed. The tears had stopped falling, and a sense of calm filled my heart. Perhaps I was drunker than I thought, but I was coherent enough to know not to fight it.

  Peeling back the sheets, I crawled into the empty bed, holding the rosary I dug out of my suitcase. It had been over a month since I held it last. That night I felt broken and lost, and things began to turn around the next day. I wasn’t sure how I would get through this, but I would – I had to believe that. I had come too far.

  I could hear my name being called in the distance, the voice frantic and pleading. I must have been dreaming, because it was David. It was exactly how I heard it when he found me long ago. My body started to shake hard, and I could now feel his arms holding me against his rattling chest.

  “Baby, please wake up. Not again, you can’t leave me. Please, Toni, I’m so sorry. God, I will do anything you want. Don’t take her. Please…”

  I felt his quivering lips on my forehead as I pushed myself into consciousness. For some reason, I was unable to open my eyes or will my body to respond. I was limp in his arms, trapped in a dream. Hearing the numbers of a phone being dialed, I kept struggling to move.

  “Yeah, I need an ambulance, hurry, don’t let her die.” His voice was broken and full of pain.

  Die? I wasn’t dying was I? Oh fuck, wake up, Toni, wake up!

  I had never been so drunk I couldn’t wake up. Part of me thought I was awake because of the sounds all around me, yet I was still unable to respond. Everything was dark and muffled. A bright light started to appear as more voices grew louder.

  “Pupils unresponsive, breathing irregular, skin clammy. Toni, Toni.”

  Snapping noises in my ear made me jerk, and for the first time I physically felt my body react.

  “Toni, can you hear me?”

  I didn’t recognize the man’s voice. More people continued to shout. The loud pitch of a radio sounded.

  “Ten Four, possible overdose. Boyfriend found an empty oxy bottle in the bathroom. Patient is unresponsive, we’re stabilizing now, get a chopper over here. Kramer out.”

  What the fuck was going on? I didn’t overdose. Oh shit, maybe I did. Trying to remember how much I drank, I was unable. I never stopped to think that it wouldn’t be pills that finally killed me, but the same damn thing that was stealing the breath from my daddy’s lungs. People die every day from alcohol poisoning. All of the symptoms the paramedic was listing were classic signs. How could I be so stupid? I just wanted to stop the pain, but not permanently. The prick of the IV in my arm caused another involuntary jerk. I was strapped onto a board and lifted to a gurney.

  Rather than panic, I knew what would happen next as I had been here before; however, I may not make it this time. I could feel the presence surround me like a shadow, yet I was not afraid. If God wasn’t done with me, then I would get through this. If not, I was on my way to meet him regardless – at least I hoped. I was told I was on the road to sainthood, yet this journey did not bear the fruit of a virtuous life. As I felt my body transported out of the house and into the loud helicopter, the screaming and yelling faded away as I slipped into the darkness, comforted by the presence.

  I chose you because you see me where no one else will

  I chose you because you forgive often

  I chose you because you love more

  I chose you because you are stronger than you think

  I chose you because you are mine

  The tube went into my nose with force, ripping the delicate tissues of my sinuses and moving down my throat. I relaxed against the pressure of liquid being siphoned from my stomach and replaced with saline. David fought with all of his might to stay with me, but once again, he was exiled from this place. Warm tears rolled down my cheeks and against the pillow where I rested on my side to prevent aspiration in the event I vomited. I could now move a little more, but it didn’t make things easier, only harder.

  I would be here for a while until the test me
asured a sufficient result. I knew gastric lavage was not recommended as a routine procedure, but they were under the impression I had taken in a large amount of oxycodone, and I was unable to defend myself otherwise. Regardless, I fucked up. David told me to watch how much I drank, and I was a grown woman. I should have known that I couldn’t do that. My heart broke, knowing my daddy was in this same hospital, and here I was going through the same thing that fucked me up in the first place. I wished history would choose a happier point in time to repeat.

  Once I was wheeled into recovery, a devastated David rushed in and pulled me tight. He was unable to contain the emotion inside once he saw that I was on safe ground. My throat was too raw to talk, and I was too tired to fight.

  As he pressed me into his chest, I caught the slight aroma of something unfamiliar on his skin. It was both powdery and musky, yet completely feminine. Feeling confused, my eyes wandered across his face and over the area where I could smell it. Burgundy lipstick marred the edge of the white tank top he was wearing, and it wasn’t mine. He felt me tense and try to shift away from him. He left to be with another woman. I shook my head and pushed him away off the bed. Confused, he asked me what was wrong. Pointing to his shoulder, he lifted up the thin, white band and instantly recognized the evidence.

  Only two words left his mouth. “Oh shit.”

  “It’s not what you think, Toni.” His expression was shattered as the white fabric began to bleed under his fingertips.

  I shook my head, knowing that anything that came out of his mouth would be immediately rejected by my anger. I wasn’t in the mood for explanations. I knew inevitably his response would boil down to one painful sentence, and I couldn’t bear to hear it. “You’re the married one,” he would say…a truth I could not deny, but it still made me furious. In one moment, he was poised to claim me once again for his own, and in a matter of hours, another woman was close enough to leave her mark.