Rock Candy Kisses

by Addison Moore

  “What happened to the guy?” someone shouts from the back.

  I shouldn’t hear this. I shouldn’t be here. My eyes gravitate back to where they don’t belong, and I spot beautiful Annie at the front of the class. Her long hair falls in waves over her shoulders. She’s dressed in a pencil skirt and a crisp white blouse. Annie is making every effort to put her best foot forward. In a word, she’s stunning.

  Annie takes an audible breath. “He will always be very special to me. Someone very wise once told me that your first love hurts the most. That you never truly get over that person. I have nothing to compare the pain with—but it does hurt very much. And as for getting over him—I don’t think that is possible. I’m happy to let him live right here.” She tucks her hand against her heart. “I’ll be taking a break in that department for a while. I’m not sure I can ever really love like that again. I guess I should have taken it slow, but after looking at the big picture, I don’t think I would change a thing. He taught me a very valuable lesson and that was to have no fear. Because of the strength he gave me, I’m here speaking to you today—something I would never have even thought possible on my own. Because of him, I’m going to face one of my lifelong fears and have surgery in just a few weeks so that I might be like you, able to hear every beautiful sound that life has to offer. And maybe, one day, I’ll be brave enough to hear his music, listen to his voice for the first and last time.”

  A slow applause starts in then builds to a crescendo. Annie has brought the entire class to its feet. Tears stream down my face, and I wipe them away with my shoulder. It’s taking far more restraint than I have not to head in there and wrap my arms around her, to give her the happy ending she deserves in life, and, God knows, I want to. But this isn’t about me. I’m not up for stealing the spotlight from where it really belongs—on Annie.

  Bodies stream out past me and bleed into the hall. I spot Tristan heading up to Annie and signing something. She opens her mouth in shock and glances to the door.

  I back out of her line of vision.

  Shit.

  Annie appears in the hallway and sweeps the vicinity until her eyes lock with mine. Here it is, the moment I never anticipated, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want it. I’ll always want Annie, in any way, shape, or form she’ll let me have her.

  “You heard,” she says it low, quiet, and it’s all I can do to hold back a smile because I love hearing the sound of her sweet voice.

  “Yeah, I heard.”

  A quivering breath escapes her. For a moment I’m afraid she might cry, and the real crime would be that she wouldn’t let me comfort her. It kills me to think I won’t be able to comfort her from here on out, to be there for her in general.

  I sweep the hair off her shoulder as a flimsy excuse to touch her in any capacity. Even in this airy manner, it’s a satisfying feeling.

  “Nothing could stop me from being here today.” I press out a pained grin hoping she’ll soften and hear me out. “I wanted to be here for you.”

  She nods before hooking her semi-hostile gaze into mine.

  “I’m not comfortable.” She touches her lips then extends her hand as if blowing me a kiss. “Speaking to you…it feels vulnerable.”

  “No,” I’m quick to assure her. I can feel Annie melting from her glacial hard state. She’s cracking. In her effort not to speak to me, she’s speaking volumes. I pull out my phone. Please, your voice is beautiful. It’s compelling. I need to hear you, Annie. There. I’ve morphed into the guy I used to laugh at. The guy with his tail between his legs because he’s so pussy-whipped he’d give up anything to lick the soles of his girlfriend’s feet. I’m there. Sometimes you need to see life through the prism of heartbreak to appreciate the beauty, the gift that a good relationship really is. If anything, I’ll be ten thousand times more attentive to her needs, far more open and quicker with the truth. Even if I wasn’t technically trying to hide anything, a technicality is still a lie.

  She looks up at me from under her lashes as the hall drains of its enthusiastic students eager to get to Christmas break. Annie has three glorious weeks off, and I’d love to spend them with her if she’d let me.

  “Annie.” I type out the words because I don’t want her to miss a single one. You were perfect in there. You were confident and brave, and everything I knew you could be. My hand rises to touch her cheek then restrains itself because it’s not my place to do so anymore. Instead my fingers glide over my phone as if my life depended on it. The day we landed in that bush back in August, I took one look into your beautiful eyes and knew I wanted to know everything about you. That first kiss we shared—what I felt at that moment was something that I never experienced before. I saw our entire future map out before me like a constellation. The first night we were together was a miracle, Annie. It was more than sex to me. I felt our souls bond. That night you and I became one person, right here where it counts. I wait for her to read to the end then touch my fist to my chest. I type into the phone once again. The love you gave is something I will treasure for the rest of my life. There will be no other great love for me. Forever, there will be just you. I reach down and pick up her hand. “Annie”—I plead—“I really enjoyed listening to you—do you think you can listen to what I have to say? Please?” I want to fall on my knees and beg like a dog. I want Annie to know the intimate details of what is really transpiring between Olivia and me. Up until now only Wyatt, Roxy, and Cole know the truth.

  Annie blows a breath through her cheeks. She glances over her shoulder as if she’s expecting someone, and my stomach drops. What if Annie and Frenchie have a thing going? What if I’ve been replaced, and I don’t even know it?

  “Excuse me.” A voice calls, and I turn to find Johanna standing next to me. Shit. How many ways can I spell out I’m not buying what you’re selling? What part of no thank you does this chick not get?

  “Look, I’m not interested.” I turn my attention to where it belongs, back to the woman I’d die for.

  “Actually”—Johanna steps toward Annie—“there’s something I wanted to say to your girlfriend.” Her voice is soft, she’s taken a humble stance with her shoulders lowered, her chin dipped to her chest. “I just wanted you to know that I totally respect what you did up there.” She’s talking a little louder than she would naturally, but she seems genuine, so I don’t give her the boot just yet. “I’m sorry about how I’ve behaved.” She gives a weary look in my direction before refocusing. “And I’m sorry things didn’t work out between the two of you.” She shakes her head, readjusting her backpack. “Anyway you never know. Things might work out yet.” She takes off out the door, and it’s just Annie and me in these hallowed halls.

  Annie touches her hand to my chest a brief moment. “I will listen.” She gives a low guttural laugh. “It’s okay, you can laugh.”

  I shake my head, and a grin starts to take over my face. It’s as if we’re back to being Annie and Blake, and not a damn thing has happened. It looks like I’ll be able to give her the gift myself, after all. I can almost feel Benji up there somewhere smiling at me.

  My phone vibrates, and I pull it out just enough to see it’s a text from Olivia.

  Just had him. Sorry no time to call. Jepson Memorial room 228.

  My heart seizes. I give a hard blink into the phone. Can’t catch my breath. My body grows heavy as concrete.

  Annie places her hand on my shoulder. “Are you, okay?” she mouths. Her eyes bear into mine, and I fight the urge to collapse my arms around her.

  I flash the phone at her and take a deep breath. “I have to go.” My heart breaks and fills with elation all at once. My fingers type something out quick as if they had a mind of their own. I’m going to meet my son. And I don’t want to do it without you. Would you please come with me? As a friend?

  Her mouth opens as she struggles for words. “Are you still with this girl? She said you were.” Her voice is low and raspy and just as gorgeous as she is.

  A ball of fire
rips through me at the lie Olivia managed to squeeze between Annie and me.

  “No. There’s so much I have to tell you. The baby—”

  “This conversation can wait.” Annie glances down at my phone. “I’ll go with you—as a friend,” she whispers.

  *

  Jepson Memorial emerges over the landscape like an overgrown cinder block against the dove gray sky. It looks ominous and hopeful all at once. A thousand thoughts race through my mind—all of them rotating right back to the baby waiting for me inside.

  Annie was nice enough to text Wyatt for me as I sped like hell to get us here. We park and race up to the second floor. I pause a moment outside the maternity ward to catch my breath. My head pulsates. My heart feels as if it’s malfunctioning on a fatal level.

  I touch my hand to my head. “If I’m about to drop dead, I came to the right place.”

  “You can do this,” she whispers. “I’m here for you.” She says it loud, and I smile with relief. I hope she never stops saying those words.

  “Thank you.” I pull her into a tight embrace, taking in her scent as if I needed a hit just to make it through what comes next.

  Annie and I walk onto the unit. Second door to the right, room 228.

  “Knock, knock,” I say softly. The door is wide open, but there’s a curtain blocking our view of the bed. The television is so loud I could hear it down the hall.

  “Get in here, you piece of shit,” Olivia snarls. At least her sense of humor is still intact. We walk to the other side of the curtain, and Olivia twitches the idea of a smile at the two of us.

  “He’s in there.” She nods to her left at the glass basinet where a tiny bundle of flannel blankets quietly fidgets. “Go on. Get your daddy on.” She flips the channel on the TV and turns down the volume. “You, too.” She flicks the remote toward Annie. “If you’re going to be playing the part of ‘baby mama’, you’d better get to know the critter.”

  “Ignore her.” I walk Annie toward the tiny bundle. “My God,” I whisper. My body shakes out of control as the tears come. All of the pain, all of the heartache of losing Benji is coming to a head in the most beautiful way.

  Annie taps me, points to the baby and makes a rocking motion with her arms. “Pick him up.”

  “Yes.” I give a nervous laugh at the thought. I reach in carefully and extract him a little faster than anticipated because holy, holy—he is lighter than air. “He doesn’t weigh anything.” The patch of dark hair on the top of his head wafts in the breeze I’ve created with my words.

  “Five pounds, nine ounces. That’s plenty big.” Olivia reaches for a carton of milk and gives it an aggressive shake.

  “Hello,” I whisper as I draw him near. His navy eyes are glassy as he blinks at me. This tiny being is seeing me for the very first time. I try to smile, but I want to cry. His pink button nose is more than I can handle. He grimaces and smiles on a loop. But it’s the shape of his lips, of his eyebrows, the familiar contours of his face. “Annie”—I turn towards her with this precious angel in my arms—“what I’ve been trying to tell you for so long is that this precious little boy”—I swallow hard just trying to push the words through the brick lodged in my throat, taking the words nice and slow—“he truly belongs to my brother. This is Benji’s baby. Olivia was Ben’s girlfriend in the end. Not mine.”

  “Back up the tape.” Olivia spins her finger in the air.

  “We dated for a while in the dark ages. Ben sort of snagged her away, and I was okay with that. Our run was long over.”

  Annie’s eyebrows arch deep into her forehead. A pleasant look of surprise takes over for a moment before she melts again into the baby.

  A swell of relief fills me because I’m pretty sure Annie just understood what I’ve been dying to tell her.

  “This is his child.” Her voice cracks with grief.

  “And now he’s mine.” I touch my lips to his suede soft skin. “This is the only piece of my brother I have left.” I blink back the tears as I look at my son, the exact reflection of my brother, of me. “I promise, I’m going to love you forever, buddy. I’m here for you. I always will be.”

  “He’s beautiful.” Annie whispers as she touches her finger to his tiny hand, and he claps onto her like he’s never letting go. He already knows a good thing when he sees it. “What’s his name?”

  I cradle him between the two of us.

  “His name is Benjamin. Just like his daddy.”

  Last Song

  Annie

  Snow blows through Hollow Brook like a procession of swirling stars tumbling over the velvet backdrop of night.

  Blake suggested a detour before he drops me back off at the dorm. Baby Ben is still tucked safely away at the hospital with the nurses and Olivia—although I wouldn’t particularly call him safe with her from what I can tell. She’s a piece of work that I wouldn’t trust with my child, and, in a way, I feel that protective of this tiny being I just met. I still can’t wrap my head around the fact Blake is a father, uncle—uncle-father. It’s as if I’ve been thrust into another universe, but this isn’t about me. The focus is on this beautiful baby that his brother Benji is unable to care for, and I’m proud of Blake for stepping up. Today my heart grew for him, the size of a mountain.

  We drive up the steep embankment on the way to that special place where we shared our first sunset. We pass the Witch’s Cauldron with its steam rising into the sky like ghosts, the rushing river as it threads into icy ropes. We park up at the top, and Blake helps me out as we make our way to the overlook.

  We belly up to the stone wall that sits along the edge of the cliff as we peer down at the miniature world, dusted in white, with its city lights winking into the night.

  It’s gorgeous. The blue light of my phone gives an ethereal effect on this already fairytale-like evening.

  Blake’s chest rises and falls with a breath as he looks at the phone. He types quickly into his and sends me a text. You don’t need this, Annie. You speak beautifully. His eyes carry a heartbreak that’s all for me.

  I like this. This is comfortable. I take a deep breath. Besides, I think we need to say a few things, and this way I can focus on what I’m trying to say and not how I might sound.

  He gives a brief nod. The wind picks up, fast and violent, slicing through my sweater like a thousand frozen knives.

  Can I hold you? Blake looks as if the world just unhinged and landed on his back. The weight of this day alone has aged him.

  “Yes,” I whisper.

  Blake warms me in his arms before typing something out. I’m so sorry I hurt you, Annie. After Ben died I knew Olivia would need me. I volunteered to help out with the baby, and that’s when she let me know she didn’t want to keep it. She’s not exactly—maternal.

  I have a feeling that’s putting it mildly.

  “Very true.” He types into his phone again. A few months ago she had me sign paperwork making me the legal father of Benjamin. He swallows hard at the mention of his brother’s name. I don’t know what’s going to happen with Olivia. I know her—she’ll want to be in this child’s life, just not with a starring role, more of a side character that you get a card from at Christmas. Who knows, maybe something more, only the future will tell. I know I bit off a lot, but I didn’t want to have any regrets later on. This is big. It’s a life. Benji is gone, and he can’t raise his son. I know he’d never ask me to do this, but I want to. I want to shower his child—my child—with the love Ben and I sometimes didn’t bother to express. His chest expands as he looks out at the low hanging moon—a half smile that hangs faceless in the night. It’s not the right time in my life for this to have happened, but it may never have been right.

  Blake stills into me a moment, and our breath conjoins in a pale plume of light. How are you going to manage? I ask.

  Wyatt offered to help. He flashes the phone my way before continuing. He hired a nanny, a sweet old woman I’ve yet to meet, but he swore he checked her out. I trust him.

&nb
sp; I trust him, too.

  A comfortable silence crops up as the wind threatens to blow us right over the edge.

  “Do you trust me, Annie?” Blake says the words slowly, staggered as if it fatigued and grieved him all at once to consider the alternative.

  “Yes,” I whisper.

  He nods at his phone. If I could do it all again I’d figure out a way to tell you sooner. I was going to tell you that day your brothers did. Ironic. I guess I got what I deserved.

  No, Blake. I wrap my arms around him tight for a moment. You deserve a medal for what you’re about to do. I’m not that big of a deal.

  “You are a very big deal.” He clicks into the phone. You are important to me. I would do anything to get back what we had. The price of my silence was far too high. He takes in a large gulp of air preparing for what comes next. Do you still want this with me?

  “Yes.” I say it loud without hesitation. “I want everything with you, Blake.”

  He closes his eyes as a dull laugh thumps through him.

  He holds a finger up a moment and heads to the truck. Blake strides back with a small black bag.

  “For you.” He hands it over as if it were just as precious as that baby back at the hospital.

  Carefully, I open it revealing a Canon camera that blows doors off the one I happen to own. I’m familiar with this model. It does everything but fly.

  I shake my head. “I can’t accept this.” If he returns this, it could buy him three years’ worth of diapers.

  He flashes his phone my way. It belonged to Benji. Both he and I would love for you to have it.