Weight of Silence: (Cost of Repairs #3)

by A. M. Arthur

  Gavin slid over to sit next to Jace. He put an arm around his shoulders, and Jace leaned into his weight slightly, his body mostly stiff and unyielding. “You looked like you’d been kicked in the balls when Jordan showed up,” Gavin said. “Tell me why.”

  “I don’t know how.”

  Determination and a sharp sense of protectiveness unfurled in Gavin’s chest. He wanted to pull Jace into himself and hide him until that sharp crack in his voice went away. He wanted to kill the demons haunting those four small words and to make Jace safe again. And he couldn’t do that until Jace talked to him. In the few weeks they’d known each other, Gavin had made a point to never push Jace past his comfort zones, to be respectful and let Jace come to him. Maybe this time Jace needed someone to push.

  “You’ve met Jordan before?” Gavin asked. “At Temple?”

  “A few times.”

  “You two get along?”

  “At first. I thought he was cool. We hung out at a party back in October. Got drunk and made out some.”

  Gavin’s pulse jumped. “Jordan’s gay?”

  “Or bi, I guess. He’s been with girls too. Said once he just likes sex. But I wasn’t really into Jordan, and when he pushed to go somewhere and have sex, I told him no.”

  “How’d he take it?”

  “He said he liked a challenge.” The disgust in Jace’s voice continued to twist Gavin’s insides into tiny knots. “But he dropped it for a while.”

  One of the dots connected on its own. “Until after Thanksgiving?”

  Jace glanced up, his big brown eyes wide and glistening. “Yeah. There’s some back story to this that I’ve never told anyone, and I can’t tell you now. It isn’t only my secret, but maybe one day I can.”

  “I get it, honest.” Gavin didn’t like not knowing everything, because his brain worked better when he had all of the information to process at once. But he was still following along, and he’d never beg Jace to betray someone else’s confidence.

  “Back during midterms, I was trying to help someone I care about.” He didn’t have to elaborate for Gavin to know: Rachel. “They were close to flunking an important class, and it wasn’t really their fault, so I…I bought a term paper and turned it in with her name on it.”

  Gavin worked to keep the surprise off his face. He never would have guessed such a thing, not from Jace. Then again, if Rachel was the one in trouble, Jace would do anything to protect her. He spoke of her ambition and her plans for med school like they were sacred—events that had been determined by the gods long ago and nothing would derail them. Even at the expense of Jace’s own education.

  Jace was studying him, waiting for a reaction or response, and Gavin tried to grab hold of at least one of his racing thoughts. “Does she know?” he finally asked.

  “She thinks I wrote the paper for her.”

  Another dot connected in Gavin’s brain, creating the outline of a dreadful image. “Jordan found out, didn’t he?”

  “Yes.” The single word broke the hold of tension around Jace’s body. He started shaking, but fought when Gavin tried to hold him tighter. He pulled away, scooting a few inches closer to the bathtub, a study in misery.

  More dots, more lines. The picture forming in Gavin’s mind stoked the fury already simmering deep inside of him, and he fought to stay still, to stay outwardly calm when that wasn’t a natural look on him.

  “Ben didn’t go home for Thanksgiving break,” Jace said. “I guess he left Jordan alone in our room for a while, because Jordan went snooping on my computer. He found the files that I was a fucking idiot for not deleting. He screencapped everything. A few days after I got back from break, he cornered me on campus and told me what he knew. Asked how far I’d go to keep his mouth shut.”

  Jace wrapped his arms around his chest like he was cold, or like he could protect himself from the memories surfacing. Gavin wanted to commit serious violence against Jordan and the story wasn’t even finished. He could guess the ending, but Jace needed to say it. Gavin knew without a doubt that this was the final demon haunting Jace all month, turning him inside out with guilt and fear.

  “Bastard knew I’d do anything to protect her,” Jace said. His voice had hardened as his own internal anger overtook the shame and guilt that had fractured it before. “So I gave him a blow job in the stall of a public bathroom.”

  Hatred rippled down Gavin’s spine. He kept a hold of himself despite the mental image of Jace kneeling on a dirty bathroom floor, sucking the cock of a smirking asshole who’d blackmailed him into the act. “Jesus,” Gavin said.

  Jace flinched. “I assumed that would be the end of it.”

  “But it wasn’t.”

  “He came to me two more times for a blow job. I hated doing it, but I think I was also kind of glad he wasn’t asking for more than that, you know?”

  Gavin nodded, even though he didn’t know. Demanding head in exchange for silence was fucking assault in anyone’s book, especially his. Maybe Jace meant he was glad Jordan hadn’t demanded money he didn’t have or school-related work that would get them both expelled. “Was that the end of it?” Gavin asked.

  “No.” Jace inhaled deeply, then exhaled hard through his mouth. “Ben went home for winter break a day earlier than me. After my last final, I went back to the room and Jordan was there. He showed me a flash drive that he said had all of the term paper pictures on it. He’d trade it to me and never mention the term papers again, no more blackmail. She would be safe.”

  “What was the trade?” Gavin had never had so much trouble getting four words out of his mouth. He didn’t want to know the answer, but he needed to know, damn it. He needed to know how hard he was going to hurt Jordan, the son of a bitch.

  Jace looked right at him, face stony, eyes suspiciously bright and wet. “I let him fuck me on the floor of my dorm room.”

  14

  The coldness in Jace’s voice when he said those awful words matched the drop in air temperature in the bathroom. He spoke with such self-hatred that Gavin thought Jace would explode from the force of it. Gavin felt only rage and a deep sense of horror that Jace had been abused like that. It explained Jace’s skittishness when they first got together, and it explained his self-destructive eating habits. He’d been punishing himself as much as finding one single thing he could control. Dozens of other thoughts raced through Gavin’s brain, and he fought to pull back, to put his easily distracted focus back on the most important thing in his life.

  Jace watched him with a wariness that broke Gavin’s heart, like he expected a reproach, or worse, for Gavin to be disgusted and walk away.

  Never.

  Gavin rolled up onto his knees and cupped Jace’s cheeks in his palms. Jace’s skin was cold, his breathing ragged. His eyes were full of unspilled tears. Gavin hunched until they were face to face and asked the question that mattered most. “Did he hurt you?”

  Jace blinked hard. Tears rolled down his cheeks and wet Gavin’s thumbs. “It hurt so bad, Gav.” He broke then, falling into Gavin’s arms with a choked noise that tore into Gavin’s heart.

  He folded Jace into his lap and held him while he cried deep, quiet sobs that shook his entire body. Jace clung to his waist, face buried in his shoulder. Gavin stroked his hair and his arms and back, comforting him while he hurt, holding him together while he fell apart. Gavin’s own emotions shut down while he dealt with Jace, diving deep inside where he put his rage, new hate for Jordan keeping company with the old hate he had for his sperm donor.

  Jace had been dealing with this alone for weeks. Suffering in silence to save his sister from one bad decision. But had that bad decision been buying the term paper? Not deleting the evidence sooner? Leaving his laptop at school during Thanksgiving? So many factors, so many chances to do something differently and change the outcome. Gavin couldn’t change what had been done to Jace. He knew Jace would never report it, or go to the authorities, because it meant explaining the term paper, and that would only hurt Rachel. Gavin goin
g behind his back to report it would have the same results, with the added agony of ruining this beautiful thing he and Jace were slowly building.

  No, Gavin would deal with Jordan Burns on his own.

  Long after Jace quieted, they sat together, hearts pounding close, arms around each other. Gavin didn’t want to break the spell first, to invite the outside world back in, even though the gentle bass rising up through the floor reminded him of its presence. He kissed the top of Jace’s head, and the slim body in his lap shivered.

  “I’m so sorry,” Jace whispered.

  “For what?”

  “Letting him—”

  “Don’t.” Gavin untangled them enough to look Jace in the eyes, so he could see Gavin’s words as much as hear them. “You don’t have to apologize for anything. Not for this, not ever. You turned him down, and he took fucking advantage.”

  Jace didn’t look convinced. “He used a condom. He tried not to, but I made sure he did.”

  “Good, that’s good.” He didn’t want to think about the places a fuckwad like Jordan had stuck his unwrapped dick, and he silently raged harder that Jordan would willingly expose Jace to something by trying to not use a condom. “Always use a condom, no matter who you’re with. Doesn’t matter what they promise you.”

  “Shit.” Jace tugged away so fiercely that Gavin let him go. He used the side of the tub to stand up, his body language exuding misery and defensiveness.

  Gavin stood slowly, unsure what had spooked him. “Jace—”

  “So that’s it?”

  “Huh?” Gavin felt like he did in the occasional dream—dropped into a play without the script, without a clue as to what was expected of him. “What’s it?”

  “I’ve disappointed everyone else, it was just a matter time. But I get it.”

  “Well, I don’t.” He’d never been more confused—oh hell. “Wait, Jace, I’m not breaking up with you. Is that what you think?”

  Jace’s wary expression said yes as clearly as the spoken word. He’d misinterpreted Gavin’s condom warning as some sort of subtle break-up speech, when he’d meant the complete opposite.

  “Jace, I care about you, and I want you in my life. The condom thing? All I meant was never risk your health because a guy says he’s clean. Not me, not anyone, ever. It’s not worth taking the chance.” When Jace didn’t reply, he added, “You’ve never disappointed me. Surprised me, confused me, made me happy and turned me the hell on, yes. Never disappointed me.”

  “How can you look at me like that?” Jace asked in a small voice.

  “Like what?”

  “Like you did before I told you about Jordan.”

  Gavin’s chest ached. “Because Jordan doesn’t change how I feel about you. No, that’s not true. I think you’re even stronger and braver than before, because you had the courage to tell me something that’s been killing you inside.”

  “I feel so dirty.”

  “You’re not dirty. Jordan took advantage of you, and I want to kill him for that.”

  Jace’s eyes widened in alarm. “No one can know, Gavin. He gave me the flash drive. I’m not going back to school. It’s over.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes.”

  “He showed up tonight to fuck with you, you know that, right?”

  “I know. It worked too.”

  Gavin pulled him into a hug, grateful when Jace didn’t resist. “I’m not going anywhere, Jace. I promise.”

  “Good.” Jace hugged him hard. “I’m getting used to having you around to keep me from doing stupid shit.”

  “Door swings both ways, you know.”

  “Yeah.” He sighed. “You want to get out of here? I’m not really in the party mood anymore.”

  “Whatever you want.”

  Jace pulled back. “Give me a minute to wash up and pull myself together?”

  “Sure. I’ll go get our coats and tell Rachel we’re leaving.”

  “Thanks.” Jace kissed him, a gentle brush of lips. “For everything.”

  “Anytime.”

  As Gavin reached to open the bathroom door, Jace said, “One thing?”

  “Yeah?”

  “If you see Jordan downstairs, don’t punch him or anything, okay?”

  Gavin grinned. “Spoil sport.”

  “My dad’s a cop, and the last thing I need to see on New Year’s Eve is him arresting my boyfriend.”

  “Good point. See you downstairs.”

  Jace nudged the bathroom door mostly shut with his foot, then turned on the faucet. He stared at his reflection with disgust. His nose was red, his eyes swollen. He looked as if he had a bad head cold—or as if he’d been bawling like an infant in his boyfriend’s arms less than five minutes ago. Gavin’s unconditional support had been surprising and amazing, and it had only cemented his growing feelings for him.

  Jace had lived with the weight of Jordan’s blackmail—and even now, couldn’t think of it as anything else, especially not the r-word—for so long, with so much self-loathing, that he’d been sure Gavin would dump him the minute he knew. He’d heard it over and over again in his head, felt the stabbing pain of rejection when Gavin only held him tighter, wanted him closer. Jace didn’t deserve that sort of love when he still saw himself as a coward who’d let another man abuse him.

  He blew his nose on some toilet paper, and then washed his face in the sink. He felt a little better, distanced from the stomach churning shock of seeing Jordan downstairs, lighter from the confession he’d made to Gavin. More of the anxiety that had chewed a hole in his guts these last few weeks broke apart. He felt freer, one more old wound finally reopened so it could heal properly.

  He wanted to tell Gavin the rest of the story—the part that included Rachel’s abortion—so Gavin fully understood why Jace had bought the term paper. Giving Gavin that information was important to him, and he couldn’t explain why. He needed Rachel’s permission first, though. It was mostly her secret, and he was getting tired of secrets. He’d ask her tomorrow.

  Jace dried his face on a towel, adjusted his rumpled clothes a little, then opened the bathroom door. He was halfway across the dark bedroom when a figure shifted in the shadows and shut the bedroom door. He jumped, heart leaping into his throat, and took a step back. His hip bumped the corner of a dresser at the same moment a light switched on.

  Yellow lamplight glared from the corner, illuminating the shape of Jordan near the door. He leaned against it, arms over his chest, eyebrows raised. Jace stared at him, mind completely blank for several seconds, until something overtook him. Not the fear and revulsion he’d felt downstairs. This time, he felt a surge of anger and hatred—all of it directed right at Jordan where it belonged.

  “If you need the bathroom it’s all yours,” Jace said flatly. “I’m done.”

  “Not even a hello, Jace? I’m disappointed.” Jordan’s gaze raked up and down, and Jace’s skin prickled with disgust.

  “Hello. Now get out of the way so I can leave.”

  “Your boyfriend won’t miss you for a few minutes. He is your boyfriend, right? He has this angry, possessive thing going on that’s quite charming.”

  “Yes, Gavin is my boyfriend.” Jace had never said those words to anyone except Gavin, but he liked them. He wanted to say them again, just to be clear. And to feel their power.

  “Does he like to share?”

  “Fuck you, Jordan.” He took four measured steps closer, cutting the distance between them in half. “Move.”

  “Fuck me? No, thanks. I wouldn’t mind another go at your ass, though, pretty boy.”

  Jace’s stomach churned with acid. “Never gonna happen, so why don’t you do us both a favor and stay the hell out of my life?”

  “You’re cute when you’re pissed.” He pushed away from the door. “But if you don’t want to play anymore, I can always go to Rachel—”

  Jace swung blindly, overwhelmed by rage at the thought of Jordan bringing Rachel into this mess. Of blackmailing her with Jace’s
mistake. Jace wasn’t much of a fighter, though, and his punch was sloppy. Jordan sidestepped him, then used his own momentum as a counterweight to spin him around and lock his right arm up against his back. Jordan wrapped his other arm around Jace’s waist, holding him tight against Jordan’s chest. Jordan’s face was next to his ear. The position sent ice down Jace’s spine.

  “Let me go,” Jace snapped.

  “Now this reminds me of something.” He pushed his hips forward against Jace’s ass. “Oh yeah, that. You were awesome, by the way.”

  “You could use a little practice.” Jace kicked with one of his feet, hoping to find a shin or something.

  Jordan must have anticipated it, because he managed to avoid the blow and trip Jace into falling face-first onto the bed. His legs dangled off from the knee, which gave him no traction on the floor. Jordan tightened his grip on his right arm, stretching his shoulder so badly he cried out. The position of his arm and Jordan’s weight had him trapped.

  “Fucking coward,” Jace said, the words muffled by the bedspread.

  “Come on, Jace, don’t tell me Gavin’s a better fuck than I was.” He bent his head, hot breath fanning against Jace’s cheek. “Bet he doesn’t make you scream like I did.”

  Rage boiled up inside Jace. He hated Jordan more for daring to compare the pain he’d heaped upon Jace’s body to the way Gavin made his body sing. Gavin didn’t see him as a convenient hole to fuck; Gavin cared about him, and he cared about his pleasure. Jordan would never care about anyone except himself.

  “No,” Jace said, “and he also doesn’t make me bleed the way you did. Get off!”

  “Hush, honey, and I’ll get us both off.” Jordan’s free hand slid under Jace’s shirt to touch bare skin, then down toward his hip.

  “No.” Jace pressed harder onto the bed, stopping Jordan’s descent. He couldn’t shake Jordan off, but he could stall. And if he had to, he’d scream his fucking head off to get someone’s attention.