Anything to Have You

by Paige Harbison

  It was stupid that I was taking such huge steps to avoid him. I recognized that. He was a good guy—handsome, smart, funny, blah, blah, blah. All those things that girls say they want. But I just didn’t have feelings for him. And as infuriating as it was, that mattered. People can’t choose who to love, but if I could, it would have been great to choose him.

  “Can I sit for a second?” He gestured at the chair next to me.

  “Sure, of course.”

  He took his bag off and sat. “I like to be straightforward. So. That’s what I have to do.”

  “Okay...”

  “I like you. Brooke told me you like me, but I don’t know that she’s telling me the truth. I also don’t know why she’d lie.” He seemed genuinely confused by the notion. “So if you don’t like me, that’s okay. I understand. But if you do, I would really like to take you out. Movie. Grab a bite to eat. Minigolf—” he laughed “—whatever you want.”

  He really was such a nice guy. It was ridiculous that I kept hiding from him. What was I holding out for? Aiden? My best friend’s boyfriend? That was stupid. Not only was Aiden too good a guy to ever do something like that—and I liked to think I wouldn’t, either—but especially lately he had been so weird around me. To the point that I could no longer look back on the night of Alexa’s party without a shudder. He probably knew I liked him—maybe before I even knew—and me crawling into bed with him must have come off so pathetic and stalkerish.

  “Natalie?”

  I shook Aiden from my mind. “Yes. I would love to go out. I’m sorry if I’ve seemed reluctant. I don’t really go out with guys that often, and I’m bad at it.”

  He smiled, looking relieved. “You’re fine. I’ll see you around or text you and we’ll do something soon, okay?”

  I nodded, as if I wasn’t going to continue avoiding him and pretend to be bad about answering texts. “Sounds perfect.”

  * * *

  THE MORNING OF Brooke’s birthday, March 20, she was in one of her grumpy morning moods. These tended to strike her most consistently on days where she had heard that school might be canceled, and then it wasn’t. It had started snowing the night before at around seven, and the news had said that it was going to accumulate and likely make driving unsafe by nine the next morning. She’d been thrilled and had immediately jumped into action. She’d invited Alexa and me over, but my dad had told me no, since he didn’t think the snow was going to stick. Brooke and I had both learned long ago that my dad meant no when he said it, and so she had given up pretty immediately on me making it. She was disappointed, but understood. She would come over this weekend, anyway, for our Brooke’s Birthday Tradition, which was that we would watch either Romeo & Juliet or Moulin Rouge! and I would make her nachos from scratch.

  I climbed into the car and sang her the first line of “Happy Birthday.” She groaned, and I noticed that both she and Alexa were looking a little pale and raccoon-eyed and had the music uncharacteristically low. I learned that they’d stayed up drinking white zinfandel and watching old episodes of The O.C. until 4:00 a.m. Brooke’s mom was out of town again, and her dad slept like the dead, so he hadn’t even noticed that Alexa had come over.

  “We’re stopping at McDonald’s,” announced Brooke, pulling off. “I need some coffee.”

  “Why don’t we go to Starbucks if you want coffee?” I asked.

  “There’s no drive-through Starbucks around here, and I can’t possibly get out of the car until we have to.”

  Alexa nodded silently, her face almost completely hidden in her big fur hood.

  I never ate McDonald’s. I knew a lot of people were obsessed with the breakfast, but I had never particularly gotten the hype.

  “Hi, yeah, can I have...can I have, God, like, four hash browns and a large coffee? And what do you want?” She nudged Alexa.

  “Large Diet Coke.”

  “That’s it?”

  She nodded again from her fur cave.

  I looked at the menu, saw a picture of a breakfast sandwich and became suddenly ravenous.

  “Okay, that’s it,” said Brooke.

  “No, no, wait! Get me a sausage, egg and cheese biscuit.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes, yes. Tell her. Oh! And orange juice.”

  She looked at me quizzically and then added it to the order.

  “Oh, and do they have McFlurries at this time of day? God, I would kill for ice cream.”

  “What the hell is wrong with you, have you been anorexic for the past week and I haven’t noticed or something?”

  “It just sounds awesome right now.”

  “You’re so weird sometimes. Yeah, ma’am? Can I also add a small Oreo McFlurry?”

  “Anything else?”

  “Anything else?” She directed this toward me, looking amused at my sudden appetite.

  “No.”

  “No, that’s it, thanks.”

  “Your total is $11.73. Next window please.”

  “And you’re not even the hungover one,” she said.

  Alexa held up a weak, gloved hand. “Shh, you guys are talking, like, so loud.”

  * * *

  IT WAS THE best sandwich I had ever consumed, and I ate the ice cream so fast I got brain freeze three times. I decided this was worth it, however, despite the confused looks I kept getting from Brooke.

  “I am in shock that it’s freaking snowing again,” she complained as we walked toward our lockers. “And that we’re in school today. Stupid snow couldn’t have just accumulated? Couldn’t have just been a little more dangerous out today?”

  “It’s not supposed to get really bad until, like, two, and then we’re almost out, anyway.”

  Brooke groaned noisily and unselfconsciously, despite the fact that we were walking through the busy morning hallway.

  “But we probably won’t have school tomorrow!” I said, trying to cheer her up.

  “Don’t get my hopes up.”

  I stood with Brooke as she fiddled with her lock.

  “I can never remember the stupid combination. It’s what...to the left, then all the way around...and the numbers are...what? Thirty-two, eight, nine?”

  “Oh, my God, Brooke. How do you not know by now?”

  “I usually have my stuff in my bag. I want to see if Aiden put something in here for me today.” She stepped back and allowed me to open it for her. “He better have. I’ve been a damn saint lately.”

  This distracted me, and I missed the third number.

  “See, it’s not that easy, you condescending bitch.” Brooke was standing behind me with her arms crossed as I distractedly struggled with the lock.

  I finally got it. “There you go. Whoa, Brooke!” I shut it almost all the way and turned back to her. “What the hell?”

  “What?” She opened the door and saw what I saw. “What the fuck...”

  I joined her at the locker, making sure we blocked the sight from any passing teachers. “Why is there a bottle of liquor in your locker?” I whispered.

  Brooke laughed, looking seriously confused. “I have no idea. Whaaaat...wait.”

  She tilted her head as she picked up the bottle and found a scrap of paper. She held it up.

  Happy birthday, let’s see how much you can handle.

  “Holy crap, do you have a secret admirer?”

  She was furrowing her eyebrows at the note. “I guess. That’s really weird. Maybe Aiden...?”

  “Aiden would never risk getting you in trouble like that,” I said.

  “No, no, you’re probably right.”

  “Then...any idea who it is?”

  “Lotta people like drinking and a lotta people like me, Nattie.” She gave a laugh that didn’t quite sound like her own, and then went silent.

 
“Well. At least you know it’s a guy. No girl has handwriting that bad.”

  The bell rang.

  “Truth. Uh. Well, I should go to class.”

  I don’t think I had ever heard her utter that sentence.

  * * *

  “COMING TO LUNCH today, sport?”

  The question was followed by a smack on my ass with a notebook.

  I turned around, knowing exactly who it was. I exclaimed, but in that girlish way where you’re smiling and are clearly not upset by whatever you’re pretending to be annoyed about. “Aiden!”

  I tilted my head at him. Why had he done that? And...did that mean we weren’t acting awkward today?

  He grinned at me. “Sorry, I’m excited. Guess what?”

  “What?”

  “I finally finished sketching out the measurements and stuff for our project.”

  “Really?”

  We fell in step together on the way to the cafeteria. I hadn’t intended to, but now it seemed I was going to lunch with everyone.

  “Yup. Last night. Sorry we haven’t been able to get together to work on it lately. My internship is running me ragged.”

  “Oh, no big deal, we don’t really need to work together on it until later on, anyway.” At once, I wished I hadn’t said it.

  But luckily, he insisted. “Well, we’ll need to pretty soon, I think. Right?”

  “Yeah...we probably should.”

  He held my gaze for a second and then laughed. “We better hook up soon, then.”

  For a second, I didn’t realize that he was referencing my embarrassing phrasing from when we first got paired together. My heart skipped, stupidly, and then I remembered. “Right. Right.”

  We laughed and sat at the table.

  He pulled his phone out of his pocket. “Brooke won’t be coming to lunch today. She has to talk to one of her teachers about a grade.”

  “Typical Brooke. If you can’t test your way to an A, talk your way into it.”

  He laughed again, just as Alexa and the others sat down.

  “How you feelin’, Alexa?” I asked.

  “Like total shit.”

  She sat and lay her head down on folded arms on the table.

  “Here, I’ll be right back,” I said. “You should eat something. I’ll grab it for you.”

  I went to the lunch line and grabbed a cheeseburger with French fries, and a bottle of cranberry juice. I took it back to her and pulled ibuprofen from my purse. I always carried it with me, since I or someone around was always bound to need it at some point.

  “You can have the headache medicine only after you’ve eaten half of the burger. Otherwise, you’ll get sicker. And drink the cranberry juice, it’ll help you get hydrated and get the rest of the toxins out of your system.”

  “You are, like, the best ever. Seriously, you’re like a mom right now. Not my mom, of course, my mom is a total bitch. But you know what I mean.” She took a bite of the burger. “Oh, my God, I haven’t eaten shit food in so long. It’s so good. Aw...look, here comes your boo.”

  She looked behind me. I turned.

  Eric was coming toward us, and he pulled out a small bouquet of pink roses and gave them to me.

  “What is this for?”

  “It’s a belated Valentine’s Day bouquet. That was the day we started talking...and I felt like you deserved Valentine flowers, even if they’re a month late.”

  “Ohh!” Alexa cooed.

  “Ohh...” I didn’t coo.

  “That is so romantic,” said Bethany.

  The surprise of it all made me turn pinker than the roses. Everyone around us was watching. And I mean everyone. There was even a slight hush in the cafeteria as he leaned down to kiss me on the cheek.

  “Thank you so much,” I said, making sure to smile broadly.

  According to the faces of every nearby girl, Eric had just done something wonderful. He was a dream of a boy. And all I could think was, What a stupid gesture.

  I know that sounds totally screwed up, but I couldn’t help it. It felt forced. Like imitating romantic gestures in movies or something. Also, I didn’t care for the holiday, so having it come up again at the end of March seemed irritating.

  I hated myself for these ungrateful thoughts. But I guess it doesn’t matter how perfect someone is if they’re not perfect for you.

  How annoying.

  Eric sat in the chair next to me, and everyone started chatting. I glanced at Aiden, who was back to looking expressionless. Gone was the jovial, joking Aiden of mere moments ago. My stomach tightened. Was Aiden mad that Eric had brought me flowers?

  As I watched him swig from his bottle of water and avoid my gaze and the conversation, I got the feeling that, yes, he was mad. He cared.

  And that made my heart skip far more than a bouquet of flowers from the most desirable guy in the school district.

  CHAPTER NINE

  THE RIDE HOME from school was tense, and I couldn’t quite put my finger on why. Aiden had seemed pissy since lunch, and Brooke was quiet and seemed mad, too. Neither of them spoke most of the way. A couple minutes from my house, Aiden finally said something.

  “So, are you going out with Eric tonight, Nat?” He looked at me in the rearview.

  Brooke turned to face him, but he just looked back at the road. What was going on?

  “Uh, no. I’m not. Probably going on a date with Bonnie and Clyde. I’ve never seen it.”

  “Oh, really? It’s different than you’d expect. You’ll like it, though, I think.”

  “Good. Yeah, I like movies.”

  Golly, the sentences I allowed out of my mouth.

  I like movies? Come on, Shepherds, get it together.

  “Me, too. Old movies are the best, though. Which is probably why that’s all new movies are, anyway, just remakes.”

  “Right? I’ve said the same thing, like, a thousand times, haven’t I, Brooke?”

  “Yeah, you guys are, like, so on the same page.”

  Whoa. What was her deal?

  “You okay?” Aiden asked her in a much quieter voice, putting a hand on her thigh.

  The gesture made my stomach turn.

  “Yeah, I’m fine. Don’t feel that well. I think I probably caught whatever you had, Nat.”

  We were silent the rest of the ride.

  * * *

  MY DAD WAS out of town, again, and I was sitting on my couch watching TV when my phone buzzed. It was like I had been expecting it. A text from Aiden.

  Still no plans for tonight?

  I answered back immediately.

  Nope, haha.

  Why had I added the haha? It just came off as self-conscious.

  I’m approx 3 blocks from your house sledding. You should probably come. I happen to know you like to sled.

  Why didn’t Brooke text me?

  She’s not here. Still not feeling good.

  On her birthday, she must be pissed.

  Sick/hungover/doesn’t feel like hanging out. Whatever. hah.

  Where are you guys sledding?

  I’ll walk over and pick you up. Dress warm!

  I darted up the stairs, put in my contacts, applied mascara (a recent gift from Brooke), slithered on tight jeans, socks under my Uggs and a couple layers on top.

  I didn’t take a moment to wonder if this was a good idea until I had already gotten all the way back down the stairs.

  Brooke wasn’t going to be there. He was with his friends. He had invited me. It was eleven at night, and I was going sledding on Brooke’s birthday without her. But with her boyfriend.

  He was at the door in five minutes.

  “Hey, you,” he said when I opened the door.

  There was th
at expression again. It felt different when he said it than when Eric did.

  “Hey. I’m dressed as warmly as I can be.”

  “Should you blow that out?” He gestured inside, where I had left a Yankee Candle burning.

  “Oh, right, yeah, hold on.”

  “Smells good,” he said as I went back in.

  “It’s—” I looked at the label after snuffing it “—Apple Cinnamon Danish.”

  “Nice. My mom’s always burning those things. Careful, it’s pretty slippery,” he said, holding out an arm when I almost fell on the steps outside.

  “Thanks.”

  “You sure you didn’t have a date going on in there? Got a candle goin’, and a movie...”

  “I like candles! And my dad hates the smell, so I don’t really burn them when he’s home.”

  “He’s not home right now?”

  “No.” I ignored the skip in my heartbeat. “He’s out of town for work.”

  He narrowed his eyes and smiled at me.

  “What?”

  “Your dad has been going out of town a lot lately, huh?”

  “Yeah, kind of.”

  “I mean...in the almost two years I’ve known you, your dad has hardly gone out of town until the past couple of months.”

  “What are you implying exactly?”

  “Nothin’...just that maybe he’s got a girlfriend or somethin’.”

  “No...” My eyes widened and Aiden laughed. “Oh, my God, what if he does?”

  “Hah! He’s totally dating that Marcy girl.”

  “Oh...my God.”

  “Sounds to me like he is.”

  I covered my face. “Ah, how weird!”

  “You are not wearing mittens.”

  “What? Why?” I pulled my hands away from my face and held them up.