Anything to Have You

by Paige Harbison

  “I’m always cold in the classrooms.” I stood and pulled off my sweater.

  “Whoa, where the hell did those come from?”

  “What?”

  She pointed at my boobs. I hadn’t even worn a padded bra today, but they looked big under my tank top.

  Aiden stared at me from beyond Eric, who was still talking about...whatever he was talking about. As soon as my eyes locked on his, he looked back to Eric, but I could tell he was not listening. Apparently neither was I, since Brooke punched me in the arm, and said, “Natalie.”

  “Sorry, Brooke, what?”

  “I said let me do your face paint. A little school color under each eye.”

  I allowed her to put a streak of blue and green under each eye like football paint, and then did the same for her. She immediately whipped out her phone to snap a picture, which was shared within seconds in every available way.

  “So.” She dropped her voice and put her phone back in her purse. “I think Eric is going to ask you to prom.”

  “Oh.” I guessed I should have seen it coming.

  She gave me a look. “Nat! You just need someone to go with.”

  “I really don’t know...that I want to go.”

  “Oh, hush your face. Me and Aiden will be there and everything. It’ll be fun.”

  A few minutes later, the cheerleaders started their first routine.

  Aiden got up and left the bleachers with Eric a few minutes later.

  “Where’s he going?” I asked. “I mean, they, where are they going?”

  “They’re doing the next cheer routine with a bunch of the school’s jocks. Didn’t Eric tell you? It’s hilarious.”

  And it was. All the guys came out a few minutes later in cheer uniforms and wielding pom-poms. It was funny to see the linebackers in belly-exposing shirts, and it was kind of sexy to see the guys being confident enough to pull it off. And, of course, Aiden had those abs and that sexy muscle-V by his hip bones that I was so transfixed by. I stared at him for a second, then looked at Eric. He did, too. His body was pretty incredible. And yet, looking at his did nothing for me.

  After all that and a couple of competitions between grades that Brooke and I mostly chatted through, it was time for the prom court nominations. Aiden had returned by this point, and Brooke now gripped one of each of our knees. Eric was sitting next to me, and I was glad he wasn’t touching me.

  First the underclassmen nominations. Then junior year. Then seniors.

  “Nominations for prom king are...” Principal Wallace opened an envelope. “James Reed. Eric Hornby. Matthew Heimer. And Aiden Macmillan.”

  “Whoo! Yeah, babe!” Brooke put her arms around him and then went back to squeezing my leg. Twice as hard, now that Aiden was making his way to the field.

  “Prom queen nominations are Alexa Roberts. Bethany Rogers. Brooke Harris. And Natalie Shepherds.”

  I felt my insides turn to slush. No way. No freaking way. I had heard wrong. I was going to stand up and realize I had totally made it up and make a complete ass out of myself. I was in a haze as Brooke’s elated face turned to me and she pulled me up from my seat. Everyone was clapping and whooping. And I felt like I was in a dream.

  They blasted some hugely overplayed, up-tempo song I always skipped over on the radio as we went to join the rest.

  There we all walked, down the stadium steps, a league of us, nominated by the people we were passing by. The other girls were long, lean, with shiny hair and smiles that showed just enough teeth. They laughed as they stepped confidently down the aluminum steps, seemingly in slow motion. There wasn’t much surprise on any face—their own or our audience. I looked at Brooke, who was holding one hand in the air and reaching back for me with the other. I took it. I was one of them. One of the four. Making my own way down the steps.

  It had never even seemed like a possibility. Never something I would have expected or even wanted, because it was so crazy. I had spent so long in hiding.

  We walked onto the field, and I felt more alive than ever. It was like I was in someone else’s shoes. Someone who didn’t get awkward when people talked to her. Someone who didn’t stay home and watch Netflix most nights or rewatch all the seasons of Gilmore Girls instead of going out and drinking or whatever else I had been missing out on.

  Maybe I had wasted the past few years. Maybe I could have had a real group of friends that I would have cried about leaving at the end of the year. Maybe I had missed out. Maybe now I recognized what the value was in being a girl with a signature scent and a parking spot, and an effortless, breezy smile that told the world I was not surprised to find myself nominated. Maybe I always could have been this way.

  We walked toward the boys. Aiden smiled at Brooke and me, and we all stood together and posed for a yearbook picture.

  I imagined how we must look. I was in a shirt that bore the letters WCHS written big over the word Senior. I had my hair swooped to one shoulder, and school colors under one eye. To someone browsing through the class yearbook in a few years, they would look at us and take us in without ever knowing that I didn’t fit in.

  And maybe, for once, I wasn’t so out of place. Maybe I never had been. Maybe I had always been this girl, hiding under glasses and big sweaters. And if I had realized it a little sooner, there was a chance that maybe I wouldn’t have given up Aiden so easily to begin with.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  THAT WEEKEND, ERIC had a get-together at his house for the prom court and a few other random people.

  Eric’s place was a lot smaller than Alexa’s, and so was the party—something I actually didn’t want for once. It was easier to hide in a big group of people. And to avoid looking at Aiden, who was still acting like I had run over his cat or something.

  Despite becoming a little angry with him for his sudden indifference, I was still pitifully fixated on him. Every time he moved, I was aware of it. When he spoke, I listened but tried not to look him in the eyes. Not that he was looking at me, either.

  We were about two hours in and a couple of card games deep when Eric asked if he could talk to me. I said sure and followed him outside into the chill of the night.

  “What’s up?” I asked as I pulled the door behind me.

  “Uh...” He bit his lip and—anxiously?—cracked his knuckles. “You wanna help me get this fire pit going?”

  It was a little chilly tonight, a fire pit sounded nice. “Sure.”

  “Cool. Why don’t you wad up some of that newspaper there by your feet and toss it into the middle.”

  “Okay...”

  I did as he said, and he gathered some twigs and got a Duraflame log from the shed. Once we had the fire lit, he got around to it.

  “So, um, I know I’ve made it clear I like you. I guess maybe you don’t know how you feel about me, or maybe you’re not into me....” He looked nervous, and I wondered how many girls in the world had ever seen him like this. I only ever saw other girls acting like nervous twits around him. “But I wanted to know if maybe you would be my date to prom. As friends or as whatever you want. I know that I want to go with you.”

  I felt almost nothing when he asked. No real disappointment. No excitement. Just apathy.

  “Sure. Yeah, that sounds fun.”

  “For real?”

  “Yeah, of course.” I put on a smile.

  We went back inside after a hug that made me feel equally nothing at all, and he announced it to the room at large. Brooke, Justin, Alexa, Bethany and some others sitting around all gave a cheer for us.

  Aiden finally gave me a shimmer of a glance. I literally shook my head in irritation at it. What was his deal?

  Eric gave me a squeeze on the shoulder, looking at a text on his phone. “It’s Reed, I’ll be right back. I gotta show him where to park.”

 
Brooke stood from the couch. “Kitchen?”

  She held open her arms once we were out of sight. “Well?

  “Well, I got a date!”

  “I know! You are not happy. You do not look happy.”

  I put on a big smile.

  She grimaced. “Nope, that didn’t work. What’s wrong? Why aren’t you excited? So many girls would kill to be going with Eric.”

  “Maybe I should let one of them go, then, and stay home.”

  “Stay home? You are nominated for prom queen.”

  “We all know you’re going to win, anyway, what does it matter if I’m there or not?”

  “That is not true, you have a very good chance, too! And because of everything we have talked about! I have been very generous not forcing you to go out in the past couple of weeks. But going to prom is important!”

  “I know,” I said, leaning against the fridge, “but...what’s the point if it’s not going to be...I don’t know.”

  She narrowed her eyes at me and smiled. “You like someone else, don’t you?”

  “What? No!” My heart was in my stomach. Dark flashes went through my mind.

  “You totally do. Otherwise, you wouldn’t care either way! You like someone. Who is it? Tell me tell me tell me.”

  “No one! I don’t like anyone. I don’t like Eric that way, that’s all.”

  “I don’t believe you.”

  “Okay, don’t believe me, fine.” Upon seeing the wounded look on her face, I added, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what my problem is.”

  “Well, I think if you do like someone else, you should go for it. You can’t sit around wanting someone and not doing anything about it. And if you want to tell me who it is, then you can, but I won’t ask again.” She looked innocently at the ceiling.

  I suddenly hated myself for any private thoughts I’d been having about Aiden. All day for, like, ever. And here was Brooke, the movie character who had no idea what had happened right under her nose.

  “Meanwhile,” she said, pouring herself a shot from a bottle in the freezer. She held it toward me and I shook my head. I was already feeling a little woozy. “I think Aiden is cheating on me.”

  Lurch. “Why?”

  “I don’t know,” she said before taking the shot and making no face at all. “I have a feeling. He’s acting a little different lately. Not as affectionate. Doesn’t get jealous. Barely cares if I can or can’t hang out. Like, it’s been for a while. I don’t know, maybe he’s mad at me about past stuff. But he didn’t seem that mad. And then...the past couple of days he’s just been basically silent.”

  Why would he be giving both of us the silent treatment?

  “Sure you don’t want some?” she asked.

  “No. I’m pretty sure that stuff is making me fat. I feel like a tub of lard.”

  “You’re fine,” she said, but in a way that made me think maybe she agreed with me. “It does add weight, though. I have to be all salads and stuff now most of the time. Remember when I put on that, like, ten pounds last year after only two months of drinking beer and stuff?”

  She poured herself another shot and took it.

  “Brooke...”

  “What?”

  “Two shots in a row?”

  She snorted. “Oh, Nat, it’s seriously not a big deal.” She looked at me. “I’m just...I don’t know, I’m not feeling all that drunk yet. Just kicking myself into gear.”

  “Why do you need to be drunk?”

  “God, Mom, shut up.” She laughed, but it didn’t meet her eyes. “But...listen, you don’t know anything, do you?”

  “Know anything?”

  “About Aiden. You guys have gotten tighter in the past couple months....”

  What was she implying? My heart was pounding. Did she have a feeling I liked him?

  “What would I know?” I asked.

  She shrugged and then laughed. “I’m sure nothing. But who knows, he might have confided in you or something. Like maybe something happened, and he asked your advice. And maybe you would tell him not to tell me...”

  Before my feelings for Aiden, I would have found this whole conversation insane. Of course I would tell her.

  “It was a stupid question,” she said, waving away the conversation like it was a cloud of gnats. “I’m being dumb. Come on, let’s go have fun.”

  * * *

  BROOKE GOT DRUNKER and drunker. Everyone else was pretty intoxicated, too, but she was on a whole other level. For a long time, she seemed fine. Her usual hammered version of herself. Then, around one in the morning, as the party started to die down, I watched as she faded into a much darker type of intoxication. She was outside with a few people, then came back in, looking kind of upset—and then she hit her rock bottom for the night. We were almost alone in the living room when she fell backward into a wall.

  “Brooke! Shit...” I went over to her and kneeled on the ground where she had ended up.

  “I’m fine!” She smiled and batted my hands away. “That was a clumsy thing, not a drunk thing.”

  “Right, I know, but I still want to make sure you’re okay.”

  “I’m good. Maybe jus’ help me up and into that room I put my stuff in?”

  “Okay.” I stood and pulled her up.

  In a dizzying few seconds, she fell backward again, and then spilled her bright red drink all over her favorite white Nordstrom blouse. I knew how much she had spent on it, and that it would kill her in the morning to realize what she had done.

  “Jesus, Brooke.” I covered my own face in horror.

  “Ohmigod, ohmigod, ohmigod...” She was whispering to herself. I watched the tears start to come. I recognized them as her embarrassment tears.

  “Come on, stand up, let’s get you to the bathroom.”

  It was a struggle, but I finally got her up and out of the living room.

  I tied up her hair in a messy bun on top of her head, then pulled her shirt off, trying not to get anything on her face. I took off the shirt I had over my tank top and set it aside to put on her after getting the sticky crap off her.

  She was crying and telling me how much she loved me and how sorry she was. I gave nonanswers back as I wiped her face and chest with a washcloth, telling her it was okay, not to worry, I wasn’t mad. We’d been in there for about fifteen minutes when someone knocked on the door.

  “Brooke? You in there?”

  “It’s both of us, hold on,” I called, then asked Brooke, “Do you want Aiden to come in?”

  She nodded.

  I opened the door.

  “Throwin’ up?” he asked, taking a seat next to me on the side of the tub.

  “No, she spilled her drink. Not a big deal.”

  He reached over and rubbed her back. “You okay, Brooke?”

  “Yeah. I’m dizzy, though.”

  I worked the red out of the shirt as well as I could, and then hung the damp fabric over the shower rod. I helped her into my shirt. She agreed that it was time for her to go to bed, so Aiden led her into an empty bedroom.

  As soon as her head hit the pillow... “I love you both...so much...” she muttered as we left the room.

  Aiden and I went outside. I did not want to talk and wake people up now that they were passing out.

  It was slightly chilly, but still warm by the fire pit. He lit it up again, and we sat in two of the cushioned chairs surrounding it. I wondered what we could possibly have to talk about after the way he’d been acting.

  “Does she do that a lot?” I asked. “Get that blasted, I mean. I know she gets drunk, but...”

  He ran a hand through his hair, looking tired. “Enough that it’s a pain in the ass. It’s one thing to do it every once in a while. I can’t feel sorry for her anymore, when it’s her
own damn fault. She’s going to feel like shit tomorrow, too.”

  “I don’t know why she’s doing that.”

  “To be cool? To have a problem for someone else to fix? Or maybe because she doesn’t learn? Could be any of that.”

  He still wasn’t looking me in the eyes. After almost a full minute of silence, I’d had it.

  “All right, Aiden, what is your deal?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, you’ve been acting totally weird. I don’t know why, or what I did.” A stupid impulse to cry took me over. I wasn’t usually a crier. I breathed through it. “You helped me with my culinary school stuff, and then got...mad or...something. I don’t even know what happened. You left, and you haven’t acted normal at all since then.”

  The expression on his face told me that he knew exactly what I meant.

  “It’s not...” He ruffled his hair. “You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not you.”

  “Well, what the hell is it, then?” I had never yelled or spoken so familiarly with him.

  He took a deep breath and then leaned forward, elbows on his knees. He bit his bottom lip and stared at the logs. “I have to break up with Brooke.”

  I hadn’t been expecting that.

  Just then, she pulled open the back door and came out.

  “What the fuck are you guys doing out here?”

  Aiden sat up. “Talking, Brooke. I thought you were asleep.”

  “You’re out here, like, arguing like a...like a fucking couple or something. Seriously, what the fuck.”

  Her eyes were a tiny bit out of focus, and I could tell she was having trouble standing completely upright.

  “We were just talking, Brooke.” I quickly realized I should say nothing else. I sounded like I was lying. My heartbeat was in my throat. I was dying to ask Aiden more. Why had she wandered out just then?

  “Aiden, what’s your damage exactly?” She slurred a little. “I fuckin’ I told you that your lil’ friendship with Natalie made me feel weird. I told you that. And yet you’re filling out applications with her, sledding with her, sittin’ out here just talking...and I just heard you yelling.” She pointed to me.