Anything to Have You

by Paige Harbison

“Brooke,” I said, pushing it out of sight. “Drink, fine, whatever, but we cannot get caught with that shit here!”

  “Oh, come on, it’s completely dark out.” She held it up to Aiden. “Want some?”

  He shook his head. “I’m good.”

  Brooke sneered. “Of course you are. Can you do me a favor and not judge me for once?”

  He said nothing and looked away. I could almost see him bite his tongue. She was verging on that tipping point into mean Brooke.

  Reed whipped into a parking spot across from us, his headlights on. He, Bethany, Alexa and Sam spilled out of the car.

  “Guys. Let’s relax and have a little fun.” Brooke turned up the speakers in the Jeep, blasting “Kids” by Sleigh Bells. “Stop being so concerned about everything. Nothing is really that bad. Seriously, chill out!”

  She kicked off her shoes and took down her hair, which had miraculously not gotten crimped in the ponytail band. She ran over to Reed’s car and turned on the brights. Aiden and I flinched in the glare.

  Brooke bounced up to Alexa, and they danced in the middle of the street. They were silhouettes, both perfect, thin cheerleader-quality bodies. I thought, as I watched her, that she had lost weight lately.

  Brooke held up the bottle and let Alexa drink from it. Reed came over to them, smoking a cigarette. He grabbed Brooke’s hips and grinded on her from behind, and then laughed at Eric, Aiden and me. Eric went over.

  Brooke and Alexa danced together, and I watched all three of the guys and Bethany watch them. Aiden looked like he’d rather be anywhere else. Bethany just looked mad.

  Eric grabbed the bottle. “I’ll take some.”

  “See, Aiden,” she shouted, “some people like to have fun besides me.”

  Eric took a few hearty sips from the bottle before handing it back to her. “Damn, that is sweet.”

  “Oh, get over it, at least it’s something.”

  “You want some?” She held it up to me. “Come on, have some.” She shimmied her shoulders at me.

  “I don’t—”

  “What are you, afraid of Eric’s cooties? I think it’s too late for that!” She whispered the last part and then burst into giggles with Alexa.

  Aiden didn’t acknowledge her at all. I didn’t know what to say, since the reason I was saying no went beyond my own prudishness. The mood she was in now, I didn’t trust her not to say something to give me away. I could imagine her thinking she was whispering or making a thinly veiled comment.

  “Aiden—” she smiled “—you and I used to have so much fun. When did you get all stiff?” She gave him a look that I understood meant that she was aware of her slightly sexual phrasing.

  He stepped back, and away from her.

  “Gahhd,” she said before walking away again. After they finished dancing, she grabbed her clutch from the front seat.

  “I’m sure they’re going to check bags at the door,” Aiden snapped at her.

  “Yeah, maybe, but not inner thighs!” She lifted her dress a little, exposing a garter on the inside of her leg. It was barely covered by her dress. I watched everyone’s gaze go to her thigh. “I only need to get in with it, once we’re in there I can put it back in my purse. Come on, let’s go!”

  She slipped back into her heels and skipped off with Alexa, Sam trailing in their wake.

  Eric smacked Aiden on the chest. “Dude, not to be weird? But your girlfriend is fucking badass.”

  “Damn right I am!” Brooke answered from fifteen feet ahead.

  Aiden looked at me. “Maybe it’s just me,” he said, “but fuck that.”

  I resisted the urge to ask when and if he still intended to end it.

  Instead, I let Eric take my hand and followed Brooke. I watched her, backlit by the lights of the school, wobbling a little in her pumps. Reed walked with her, Bethany clinging to his other side, and though I couldn’t hear the words Brooke said, I heard a tone I recognized well. Charming Brooke. Witty Brooke.

  Fall-in-love-with-me Brooke.

  God. She really would turn it on for anyone.

  Aiden, Eric and I walked in silence from the car to the school, all of us seeing but not saying a word.

  Brooke did get into the school with no problem. She strutted into the gym, which was dark and loud and hot, already filled with sweating bodies. Kanye and Jay-Z’s song “Why I Love You” was blasting and making the room shake. Every five words there was a censored swear word. Why even bother playing it?

  Looking around at everyone gyrating on one another, I guessed I understood why.

  Brooke spun around and pulled me to her. She had looked so put together earlier, and she still did, but her dark eyeliner had melted down a little. Typical for Brooke, it only made her look sexier.

  She left Aiden and Eric to find their own way and led me to the center of the dance floor.

  Soon we were surrounded by her many friends. I could see now that she had been right. Everyone was either drinking or already drunk. I really didn’t feel like dancing, of all things, right now, but she kept pulling me to her and making me.

  After a few songs, she yelled something at me, and I couldn’t understand her. I made the motion for I can’t hear you, and she just laughed and held the flask to my mouth. I shook my head and pushed her hand away, but she said something else and tried again. Everyone nearby was looking at me.

  Suddenly the heavy bass seemed louder and more intrusive. I tried to regain my composure even as I felt myself sinking into my old position: Brooke’s un-fun friend.

  For once, I didn’t really give a damn. Especially with what was going on with me, I wanted the safety of home and my own bed. I didn’t want to be out here masquerading as a normal teenager. If I ever had been one, I was certainly not one now.

  I didn’t know where Aiden was, but I could see Eric dancing with Bethany, Alexa and Sam. Brooke had drifted away from me a little, and I had to search for a few seconds to catch sight of her.

  She was obviously drunk. Dancing with...who was that?

  Reed.

  He had his face on her neck, and she had a hand on his jaw. Just as I saw them, though, she broke away from him, looking nothing but wasted, and went back to dancing with other girls. He stared at her, looking annoyed, and then stalked off.

  I broke away from the group, feeling dizzy and burning hot. I burst out into the hall, which was fluorescent-lit, and which I knew probably made me look exactly how I felt— sick. I realized I had gone out a side door. I was by the math classrooms. I took a few deep breaths, grateful for the emptiness of the hall.

  A moment later, I heard the door open behind me. I turned to see Aiden.

  “Shit,” I whispered to myself, sniffing and trying to adjust my makeup under my eyes.

  “What’s going on? Are you okay? You ran right past me. I don’t even think you saw me.”

  I leaned against the wall. The cold felt good on my back.

  “Yes, I’m fine. Too hot.”

  “Wait here, I’ll get you some water.”

  “No, Aiden, really—”

  But he was already gone. I slid down the wall and sat on the ground with my eyes shut. It felt like hours until he came back, but I knew it had been only a few minutes.

  He sat down next to me. “Here, drink this.”

  I did. It felt good.

  “Were you drinking with Brooke?”

  “No.”

  “I didn’t think so.”

  “Yeah. I think I hate prom.”

  “Oh, yeah. Tell me about it. What wouldn’t I give to be back at your place watching more Hitchcock movies.” He tossed me a side glance with a tight smile.

  I remembered what I had wished for when Brooke and I had had our spa night. I had wished for a guy to leave parties with. To watch movie
s with. I had thought of Aiden then. I would give anything to leave with him and do just that.

  Meanwhile, Brooke was inside doing whatever the hell with Reed. Yes, I had meant it when I’d told her I would never care if she was ever stupid enough to hook up with him. But it did bother me that this seemed only to endear him to her more.

  I mean, I did lose my virginity to him.

  Meanwhile, Aiden was out here being a good guy to her best friend. They didn’t have a real relationship anymore. He was a placeholder until she went off to school. A way to spend her days.

  “Yeah,” he went on. “I would love to get the hell out of here. Have some more of that hot chocolate.”

  “It’s May,” I said with a laugh. “It’s not hot chocolate season anymore.”

  “Anything, then. Whatever you wanted to make me.”

  I bit my tongue and turned to him. His eyes scanned my face. My heart swelled. I didn’t just want to spend time with him. Or flirt with him. I didn’t even just want to kiss him or put my hands under his T-shirt. I wanted him to be my person. The one I could call when I was upset, happy, angry, any of it. And I wanted to be the person he needed.

  My swollen heart sank as I realized that now there was even more of an obstacle thrown into the mix. Not only was he Brooke’s boyfriend—even once they were no longer together, he’d still be Brooke’s property—but now I had the whole pregnancy thing thrown in. With Eric.

  I remembered how I had felt almost nothing when he’d asked me to prom. And it hadn’t even occurred to me to be jealous to see him dancing with Bethany just now.

  I shook my head without even meaning to.

  “What’s wrong?” Aiden asked.

  I covered my face and spoke into my palms. “Oh, nothing. Nothing at all. The whole world sucks, that’s all.”

  “No, it doesn’t.”

  “Yes, it does.” I sighed. “Because I fucking...I liked you when you came to this school. I liked you all along, and I still like you. And I hate how miserable I have to be about it.”

  I didn’t uncover my face. Instead, I buried it in my arms and pulled my knees toward me.

  A moment later, he put an arm around me and whispered, “Hey.”

  I lifted my face, expecting him to say something meant to be reassuring. But instead, he kissed me.

  The kiss ran through my whole body. I never wanted to stop. I could have stayed in that half-lit math hallway, on the cold, dirty floor for my whole life.

  His hand reached for mine, and our legs rested against each other. I wanted to move closer. I almost did, but then pulled away.

  Oh, no...

  Elation was lifting me off the ground and into the clouds, but guilt was creeping up my spine, wrapping around each vertebra.

  “We should go back in,” he said. This time, unlike before when our moments together had been unexpected, he didn’t look guilty or upset. “They’ll be announcing the prom court winners soon, and we can’t miss that.”

  He helped me up and pulled me toward him. Not all the way, and I longed to fill the gap.

  And just like that, we went back into the fray.

  “Do me a favor,” he said as we neared our group again. “Don’t hook up with Eric.”

  His lips were so close to my ear when he said it, and I could feel his warm breath on my skin. I shut my eyes and pulled away.

  The music faded, and Principal Wallace’s voice came on to the speakers. “All right, attention please. It’s time to announce prom court!”

  Cheers and applause.

  First he announced the underclassmen’s prince and princess. I didn’t know either of them.

  Then the moment of truth.

  “This year’s king...is Aiden Macmillan.”

  I had known it, of course, so I turned to him and smiled and clapped. He gave a small bow and smiled at me before going up to the stage.

  The applause died down, and Principal Wallace allowed everyone to take a moment with baited breath. I looked at Brooke, who had collected herself and looked presentable again. She was staring directly at Principal Wallace until she felt my gaze on her.

  I smiled at her excitedly, waiting for them to say her name.

  “And finally, the queen. Natalie Shepherds!”

  The applause lifted and rose again, but I felt my heart sink into my shoes. My eyes widened, and my smile faded. Brooke kept her face turned toward me and I watched her take a deep breath.

  This was not happening. Brooke would absolutely lose it. It literally seemed like a joke. It might seriously be a joke.

  Feeling sicker than I had in the hallway, I walked toward the stage. I had never fainted before, but I felt scarily on the brink. The noise and applause around me fell into a muffled hum, and my head spun. I looked at Aiden, who was looking as freaked as I was, but not quite as shocked. I looked for Brooke again but couldn’t see her anywhere. I climbed the stairs and stood in the spotlight with Aiden. They put the crowns on us and said to smile. We each put one on for the picture but couldn’t make eye contact.

  Finally I spotted Brooke again in the audience. She was smiling, too, and trying to look genuine, but I could tell that it wasn’t real. I would bet anything, too, that if I could see her eyes, they’d be brimming with unspent tears. Reed nudged her and pointed at us, whispering something to her.

  I wanted to be sick. It wasn’t until now, when I had won one of the most exciting honors a girl can win in her senior year and I had to dance with Aiden to the senior prom song, that it all really hit me.

  I had never been more revolted by myself.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  WE DIDN’T LAST the whole song. The second people stopped looking up at us alone, we pulled away from each other and stepped down off the stage. I went into the crowd to find Brooke. Everyone was grabbing me and talking to me, congratulating me and asking me questions, but I couldn’t answer any of them.

  I searched everywhere for her before finally finding her dancing with a bunch of people.

  One second Brooke was stepping away from Alexa, the next she was looking horrified, and the next—she had her hand to her mouth and was sinking to the floor. She had just puked. At prom. Into her own hand. In front of everyone she knew.

  Alexa looked helplessly at me, and then said, “She had a sip, and then this...”

  It was almost worse than in the movies when the music screeches to a halt. Instead, the music pounded on, and people’s gasps and laughter and comments made the din louder and more chaotic. Aiden and I immediately jumped into our roles. He scooped her off the floor and I took to his side to open doors and take her immediately outside and to the curb by the car. I ran back to the bathroom to grab paper towels and fill a cup with water and followed. He set her down and stood back. His hand was on his hip and he was pacing. Aiden was mad.

  Brooke looked like a broken, dirty Barbie sitting there. The kind you might find in a spider-filled corner of a garage. She had her face on her forearm and I could see that she was crying. I took her hands in mine and cleaned them off as well as I could with my limited supplies, and lifted her face so I could make sure that was clean, too.

  “Brooke, you have got to get your shit together as quickly as you can so we can get you home. The chaperones are going to figure out what happened, and we need leave so that they can’t know for sure that it’s from alcohol.”

  “Even though it’s obvious,” Aiden added.

  “That’s not going to help right now.”

  He leaned back on his car and muttered, “Sorry.”

  “Babe, please don’t be mad at me. I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to get so drunk. I didn’t even have that much.”

  He launched himself off the car. “Brooke, your bloodstream is probably about seventy percent alcohol right now, so save it. You did mea
n to get drunk. And you did have a lot, obviously, look at you.”

  I didn’t want to stop him. He was right. And we needed to talk to her about it. But now wasn’t the time. “Aiden. Seriously. Just give it a rest for now.”

  “Am I wrong, Nat? No, I’m not.”

  “I’m so fucking sorry, Aiden, that I ruined your special night. No, shut up. Do you think I wanted to do this? Do you think I wanted to lose out to my best friend, and then hurl onto my prom dress and into my own fucking hand? No! So stop yelling at me!”

  “No, you didn’t mean to, but you didn’t mean not to! You’re such an enormous pain in the ass. I can’t do this with you, I’m so sick of it. You can’t just be a mess that Nat or I have to deal with.”

  I was stunned and I didn’t know what to say. She was staring up at him with so much hurt and hate in her eyes.

  “Do you agree with him?” she asked, turning her glare at me.

  I went red. “What do you want me to say, Brooke, you have to make a change—”

  “Fuck you. Fuck you both. That’s...just...fuck you both. I am so sick of this. I keep just turning a blind eye on you guys. You keep ganging up on me, and I’m sick of it! It’s like I’m just this little idiot you both have the burden of having to care for.” She was yelling now. “And I’m not! I’m not into the same crap as you guys, and I might like to go to parties and whatever but you two are the exception to the rule. I could be a lot worse, so stop judging me constantly!”

  I looked around and realized that Eric, Reed, Alexa, Sam and Bethany had joined us.

  Brooke railed on. “I dunno if you guys are flirting, or bound together in this little Hate Brooke Club or what. But, Aiden, seriously, you think Natalie’s so fucking perfect. But everyone has shitty nights where they make a mistake or two. Natalie fucked Eric at Alexa’s party when she was blackout wasted. Not the smartest move, right? But I’m the idiot who can’t—”

  “That’s not true,” interrupted Eric. “I heard that rumor, too, but I would have thought you’d know it wasn’t true, Brooke.”

  She looked bewilderedly at him for a moment. The rest of us seemed frozen in time.