by Marie James
I feel a hand grab mine and I look towards Garrett’s direction. He’s still standing across the room and for a brief second I’m disappointed that it’s not his. I look over and realize that Lorali has moved into a sitting position beside me on the bed, and it’s her that’s allowing me to grip her hand with enough force that I’m sure to be causing pain.
Her support gives me the strength to open my eyes again, and it suddenly hits me. “Ben?” I plea, looking at Kaleb. No one has mentioned him since I woke up.
The somber look and the sad shake of his head tell me what I had already worked out on my own. He’s dead.
I’m hit with the next round of sobs; the tears falling uncontrollably. I’ve seen that man’s face more times than I can count. Playing in my head the probably hundreds of times I’ve been in that store has me questioning whether I’m an alcoholic. What an inappropriate thing to think when you just heard about a man’s death.
Lorali’s soft words of comfort and the grip she has on my hand, help to settle me enough to continue.
“Wh…when the gun went off, I froze. I didn’t know what to do for a second. But then my brain kicked back in and all I could do was crouch down and hope he didn’t see me. I was terrified and crying pretty hard.” I pause and take a deep breath, trying to prepare myself for what comes next.
“I heard him approach me.” I swallow harshly. “I looked up at him.” I shake my head trying to rid my mind of the sight. “He looked tired and wide awake all at the same time. My first thought was that he was homeless. His clothes were dirty and he had small cuts on his face and arms. I stood up to face him because at first he didn’t seem like he wanted to hurt me.”
Kaleb acknowledges by nodding his head, letting me know he’s following my words and has no questions yet.
“He kept wiping his nose on the sleeve of his shirt.” I explained, still grossed out by it.
“What did his shirt look like?” He interjects.
“It was a blue flannel. Really dirty.” I explain.
“That’s exactly what he still had on when we found him. Please. Continue.” He prompts.
“He kept looking all over the place. Like he was expecting someone to…to come in.” My voice waivers. “He looked me right in the eye and I could tell when he made his decision to kill me.” Lorali puts her arm around my shoulders and hugs me close through the next round of tears and sobs. Almost over. Almost over. It’s my inner mantra at this point.
“He raised the gun and told me he was sorry. I knew what he was going to do so I turned to run away. I heard the gun go off, then I woke up here.”
I hear a loud bang from Garrett’s direction and my eyes hit him just as he mutters “Motherfucker,” under his breath. His fists are clenching in and out; his head is hung but I can see how upset he is by the hardness and set of his chin.
After a brief moment he raises his head. I catch the tear rolling down his cheek before he has the chance to wipe it away. As soon as he sees me watching him, he breaks eye contact and walks out of the room. I watch him leave; Ian follows close behind.
I want to jump out of the bed and run after him. I want him to know that I’m okay and that he’s no longer obligated to sit around and watch over me. I want to pound on his chest and tell him how much I love him. I want to rip all his hair out until he accepts it as the truth.
I close my eyes knowing that he’s only here out some sense of obligation he seems to have put on his own shoulders. I need to tell him to leave. He needs to know that being here is doing nothing to help me get over him. Seeing him is tearing me apart. I’ll never heal emotionally if every time I look up I see his beautiful face and amazing topaz eyes across the room.
“Alexa?” Kaleb says to get my attention back on the matter at hand. How did I forget that there were other people in the room?
I begrudgingly turn my head from the door and direct my attention back on him.
“Can you remember anything else? Was there anyone with him?” I shake my head no, answering both of his questions.
He seems satisfied with what I’ve told him. “He was caught shortly after he left the store.” He explains. “We do have video surveillance, but if this goes to trial, witness testimony is always best. Once you’re released I need you to come to the station for a photo lineup.” He stops the voice recorder and tucks it back into his pocket.
He pulls a couple of cards from his pocket and hands one over to me. “If you remember anything else or have any questions, just give me a call.”
“I will. Thank you.” I tell him softly.
He shifts his weight towards Josie and if it wouldn’t hurt me I’d laugh at the look of trepidation on her face. He hands a card to her, “My cell phone number is on the back.” He winks at her and walks out the door.
I smile when I hear the whoosh of air leave Josie’s lungs just as the door softly clicks shut. I turn my attention to her, thankful for the distraction from what I just had to do.
“Josie!” I yell in an exaggerated voice. “He’s hot as fuck!”
All she does is shakes her head up and down aggressively as she stares at the closed door longingly.
“And that,” Lorali inclines her head towards the card, “is the second card he’s given her.” She crosses her arms for emphasis. “And both times he told her his cell phone number is on the back.”
I gape at her. “What the fuck, Josie?!?” The artificial anger in my voice draws her attention from the door and she looks in my direction, the dreamy look still in her eyes. “He’s told you to call him before today and you still haven’t?”
She shakes her head indignantly like it never happened. “He didn’t tell me to call him.” She states. “He just gave me a card and told me the number was on it.”
I hear Lorali let out a long sigh. “Josie! That’s him telling you to call him!”
She looks at me stunned like she never even considered that he’d want her to call. This woman knows nothing about dating. How do people like her even exist in this day and age? She was popular in high school, how can she be so blind when a hunk like Kaleb Perez is openly flirting with her. “You need training, girl!”
“Training?” She queries.
“Yes, training! Man training! You better jump on that man before someone else catches him!” She looks down at the card with a small smile on her face. I can’t help but stoke the fire. “His eyes! Oh my gosh! If you don’t want him just let me know, I’d love to take him for a test drive for you.”
The hostility in her eyes is immediate, but she’s way too nice to say anything about it. “No,” she finally replies. “I think I’ll give him a call.” She tucks his card into her back pocket, and I can see her looking at the one I have in my hands, knowing she wants to tear it up so I’ve no access to him. I giggle lightly and hand it to her. “Hold on to this for me, in case I need it.” She smiles and takes it from my hand as I wink at her.
“Have they said how long I have to stay in here?” I look over at Lorali for answers.
“They said no longer than a week but you have to go to the bathroom before they’ll let you leave.” She explains with a grimace.
I look down at the side of the bed to the disgusting bag a third full of urine. “And how do I do that with this thing in place?”
She scrunches her nose. “That’s not what they mean.” She pauses letting that sink in. “The damage was done to your intestines.”
“Ugh! I didn’t even think about that.” I lay my arm across my eyes before speaking again. “And I thought laughing would be the most painful thing about all of this!”
Chapter 31
Garrett
Hearing her retell the events of the other night nearly tore me apart. Worse than hearing the words come out in sobs, was knowing she didn’t want me by her side to comfort her. Just like when she got upset after initially waking up, she didn’t want me to console her. I kept telling myself she wanted Lorali, her friend since forever, but I felt the knife cut deeper w
hen I moved towards her bed when she got upset at the beginning of telling Kaleb what happened.
If I had any questions about how she felt about me or where I stood in her life it was the very evident the second she shook her head at me telling me not to come close to her. I stood there and listened to her speak about what happened and it was the most heartbreaking thing I’ve ever heard, only second to the phone call I got from Ian telling me she’d been shot, not knowing if she’d survive.
This beautiful woman doesn’t deserve what’s happened to her. Not being shot and definitely not being treated like a common whore like I’ve been doing the past month. I wish I could say that I regretted even getting involved with her in the first place, but I can’t.
I thought the shit Jamie pulled a decade ago ruined me, knowing I would never want to feel anything for someone who could break me so easily. Then Alexa came along, all feisty and sexy. Being the dumb shit that I am, I broke my own damn heart this time, and in the process hurt an amazing woman.
She told me in the note she left after my monumental dick move Friday night that she thought it was best if we don’t see each other anymore. I’d hoped she’d change her mind but after she pushed me away the second time I knew she was sticking by her decision.
Hearing her say that she saw in that man’s eyes the second he knew he was going to kill her, wrecked me. I shouldn’t have hit the wall with my fist, but I did it before my brain could even register enough to tell me not to.
I walked out and didn’t even look back; Ian followed after me, but I didn’t acknowledge him. I made my way to the parking lot and got in my truck. Thankfully, Ian moved it for me Friday night so it wouldn’t get towed; I’m grateful. There would’ve been nothing worse than trying to leave and having to wait for a cab and then to track down the tow yard to get it back.
I headed straight home which is where I am now. Walking into my room I strip out of my clothes and head straight to the shower. I’ve not bathed since Friday and I don’t even want to be around myself with how bad I smell right now.
I ignore my conscience when it tries to console me about Alexa’s reaction to me at the hospital by blaming it on my smell. I know it’s way more than that. I scrub my body harshly, trying to wash away the feelings of loss, knowing I’m only going to see Alexa periodically when there are events that force us to cross paths. Even then I’m not one-hundred percent sure she won’t completely ignore me.
Unwelcome, the idea of seeing her with someone else hits me hard. It’ll kill me. The idea of it so painful I know I’ll have to decline any offers that Ian extends to me for events that Alexa will also be at.
I finish my shower and towel off roughly before falling into bed. I’ve only been able to grab short naps in almost three days and my entire body is begging for rest. Alexa’s sweet face and gorgeous green eyes haunt me as I drift off to sleep.
***
I wake up with a smile on my face. My dreams altered the past three days into something much more acceptable. The idea that I repeated the words back to her when she told me she loved me in my head when I woke, was surely the reason for the raging hard on I was privileged to this morning. I hadn’t even given the guy a second thought in the last three days, but thoughts of making love to Alexa will do it every time.
My hand is stroking up and down my cock before I even realize it. Begrudgingly I stop before I can orgasm. I don’t deserve to have her in my mind while I do this. I jump out of bed and hit the bathroom for a very cold shower.
This is how my days have begun for the past four mornings. Each time I wake up with thoughts of her on my mind, and my hand instinctively hits my cock. Each day I’ve had to force myself to release it, and each day I take a shower cold enough to leave me shivering just to get it to go down.
I went back to work yesterday, but after several hours of not being able to focus on a damn thing I left. I tried my hand once again at getting Alexa out of my head the only way I could think of. I sat at a club downtown for hours, drinking, and waiting for someone to catch my eye. Nothing. Not one of the scantily clad women in the club caused me to even give them a second glance. I’m well and truly fucked this time around. After Jamie, I went through a barrage of women, now I couldn’t imagine my hands on anyone else but Alexa.
A text Ian sent while I was in my frigid shower informs me that Alexa’s getting out of the hospital today and going home. She’s been in the hospital for just over a week and I haven’t been back after storming out while Kaleb was taking her statement.
Ian, being the hero that he is sent me texts over the past few days. I’m sure he knows they’re the only thing keeping me sane. He was fit to be tied when he and Lorali broke up those few days. The difference is their situation was a misunderstanding, a lack of communication. There’s no denying that the problems I have with Alexa can’t be solved with a simple apology and explanation.
She walked for the first time today.
She’s in a good mood, but pissed that she’s on a liquid diet.
She seems sad today.
She watches out the window like she’s waiting for something.
And the one that nearly killed me: Lorali said she asked about you today.
I wanted nothing more than to grill him and find out exactly what was said, but I’m not a glutton for punishment and I’m almost certain the conversation leaned more towards: I’m glad he’s not here rather than what my heart hopes is more like: I miss and wish he was here with me.
I force myself to get ready for work when all I’d rather be doing is heading to the hospital, getting Alexa, and bringing her home with me, so I can take care of her and hold her at night. My bed is empty without her. The apartment is like a mausoleum without her laughter or the sounds of her moans as I bring her to orgasm. I stay away as much as I can, only returning here to sleep.
I’ve spent countless hours in the parking lot of the hospital, talking myself out of going in there and declaring my feelings to her. I need to work harder on dealing with my shit because several times I’ve made it to her floor before turning around just to go sit back in the truck. I’m grateful I haven’t run into one of her visitors. I sure would hate to explain why I’m there in the first place.
Johnny has kept things running in my absence and I’ve made sure my accountant knows to increase his pay not only for the time I’ve been out but to keep it there until further notice. I know I’ll never lower it because he’s been monumental in making sure things are run tight at Ampere.
I leave my apartment and head to the hospital. I don’t know when she’ll be released, but I’ll sit in the parking lot by the discharge entrance until she is. I know this is the only way I can see her face without having to explain my presence. I’m hoping that seeing her again and knowing that she’s well will bring me some peace, but I know it’ll only leave me more longing.
Chapter 32
Alexa
The doctor came in and said that I get to leave today as soon as the nurse goes over discharge paperwork and I have my appointment scheduled for a follow-up. They must’ve known how bad I wanted out of here, either that, or they needed to turn this private room Ian paid for back into the double it normally is, because they were in my room needing signatures before eight this morning.
I’d sent Lorali and Josie home late last night because they’ve been hovering for a week and honestly I needed some peace and quiet rather than having people here who felt obligated to entertain me. I shoot a quick text to Lorali to let her know I need a ride home. I kind of wished Garrett would be the one to show up and insist on taking me home with him but I know that’s not going to happen.
I haven’t seen him since he stormed out of here when the police detective was here taking my statement. I asked Lorali about him the other day, but she just gave me the standard ‘I’m sure he’s fine but I haven’t seen him’ line. In my mind I’ve pictured him miserable and withdrawn, but I know that’s not the case. A more accurate vision of him would more likely be
of him buried deep in some slut at an expensive hotel.
The thought makes me want to cry, but I hold those emotions back. I’ve got to get my shit together. At first I told myself that I should be lucky that I got the time with him I did, but that made me pissed. I’ve resolved myself, mostly, to the fact that I deserve better than him. I deserve a man that cares for me like I care for him; one who gives as much as he gets emotionally.
I have to specify the emotional part in my brain and do my best to not even picture the sexual side of our brief association. The sex was the best. I’ll never touch another man and not compare him to Garrett Hale. This is the point of fact that makes my resolve waiver the most.
I tried for a brief moment to force myself to believe that he had no other interest in me other than sex, but I would’ve never told him I loved him if I didn’t feel like he felt something for me in return. The last time we were together was passionate, slow, and very loving. After his response I know I need to reevaluate how I read certain situations. I could’ve sworn he felt it to. Boy was I wrong in a big way!
Much to my disappointment Lorali and Ian showed up to my hospital room shortly after eight-thirty, ready to lug me home. Lorali had wanted me to stay with her and Ian, but I insisted on going home. I need to get back to a new type of normal as quickly as possible.
“You ready to go?” Ian inquires as he pushes a wheelchair into the room.
“Yeah. But I’m not leaving in that thing!” I huff out.
“I knew you wouldn’t want to,” Lorali begins, “but hospital policy says you can’t walk out of here. You have to leave in that thing.”
I let out a huff of exaggeration, but opt for being pushed out of the hospital like an invalid over having to stay longer. The service and staff have been above exceptional but the hospital is not someplace I want to spend any more time in. Ever.
