by Marie James
I’m able to walk around but my movements are slow and sluggish. I’ve avoided any type of jostling that I can and wince each time we have to cross over a threshold in the floor as we make our way out. Ian’s parked his SUV right in front, which I’m grateful for. I don’t think I’d be able to handle having to be pushed across the parking lot.
Ian, being the gentleman that he is, lifts me up gingerly and places me in the back seat. Once Lorali has returned the wheelchair back inside she comes out and slides in the back with me. She grabs my hand, knowing that the bumps in the road are going to cause me discomfort.
“Josie really wanted to be here, but she had to go back to work.” She explains. “Since this is her first year teaching, she didn’t have much time.”
I think back to the meltdown Lorali had, knowing she has used a few days then as well. I nod my head in understanding.
“I get the feeling she’ll begin to hover as soon as she’s home.” I tell her as Ian puts the vehicle into gear and slowly eases out of the parking lot.
I tense, preparing myself for the jostling that’s sure to ensue, but the excellent suspension on the SUV leaves me protected and I’m able to relax.
“Did you see the way that detective was eye fucking her?” I whisper to her, hoping Ian doesn’t hear our impromptu girl talk.
She grins really big and looks towards Ian as well. Shifting her weight so it’s angled more towards me she replies, “And that girl has no damn clue!”
I give her the ‘are you kidding me’ look. “Lorali. It wasn’t that long ago you were just as oblivious to what was standing in front of you.” I remind her, inclining my head towards Ian.
She smiles really big. “Well, Ian made sure I knew he wanted me. Kaleb hasn’t reached out to Josie.” She tries to explain the difference. I’ll let her have it this time.
“So what do we do to set things in motion?” I inquire.
Lorali shakes her head. “Josie will NEVER make the first move! If Kaleb doesn’t come out and say something to her, nothing will happen.”
“I can always call Kaleb and give him the push he needs.” Ian whispers in a conspiratory tone.
We both start laughing. The idea that we could have a sneaky conversation only a few feet away from him and get away with becomes suddenly hilarious.
I hold my stomach with my arms, and the shaking is quite painful but the laughing is so cathartic I can’t stop. I have tears rolling down my face before I’m able to settle again.
I catch Ian’s eyes in the rear view mirror. “I think that’s a great idea, Ian.”
Lorali nods her head in agreement beside me.
When we arrive at the apartment, Ian makes his way back around to my side and gently lifts me out of the SUV and sets my feet down on the ground. The incredibly slow pace I’m shuffling at makes me wish we’d loaded up the wheelchair from the hospital.
“I can carry you, Alexa” Ian offers, but pride has me refusing. He and Lorali keep pace with me, never once showing an ounce of frustration at my less than leisurely pace.
After six years, we finally make it into the apartment. I can’t help but spot the reclining monstrosity in the living room. “What the hell is that?” I sneer pointing across the room.
Lorali’s beaming as she bounces across the room to it. “It’s a recliner, but it has this little controller.” She holds up a remote on a cord “You sit in it and when you want to get up it helps to stand you up.” She demonstrates and I’ll be damned if the whole fucking chair doesn’t just rise up, pushing her to standing. “One of the nurses recommended it so your insides can heal faster with less strain.” Lorali uses the corded remote to sit herself back down. “She also said you’d more than likely be more comfortable sleeping here for the first little bit.”
No way am I giving into that damn old lady chair, but I smile at Lorali and thank her for it anyways. Her heart really is in the right place and I’m so grateful for everyone that has helped me the last week.
Now that I’m home my first instinct is to head to the fridge for a glass of wine. I stop dead in my tracks on the way there, remembering we’re out of wine and what happened last time I went to buy some. The thought leaves me cold and I realize then that my heavy drinking days are over. The idea of partying, clubbing, and starting the weekend with a bottle of wine before heading out makes my stomach roll. I need to find another outlet for letting off steam than alcohol. Sex is my second choice, but that led to nowhere good the last time, so it seems that will be off the table for now as well. The idea of sleeping with someone other than Garrett makes me sicker to my stomach than thinking about drinking did.
I want to scream! I want to curse God for giving me such a shitty life. Things have been downhill since my parents died eight years ago, and continued when my grandmother passed from breast cancer just two short years ago. Now I have to deal with this shit! It takes everything I have not to lose control and trash the apartment. I really don’t have the strength right now, but I may do it once I’m rested and I don’t have an audience.
Before I force Ian and Lorali to leave, they make sure I’m settled in as comfortable as possible in my bed. They’ve left my phone and laptop within reach as well as one of the disgusting protein shakes I’m forced to drink as my only form of nutritional intake. Thirteen more days and I can start on soft foods. Let’s throw a fucking party.
I spend the afternoon cat napping in between checking social media which is enough with my new view on life to throw me into a deep depression. I do my best not to let the feelings settle inside, but being stuck in bed and not being able to eat anything has left me throwing a pity party for myself. I finally had enough and tried to get out of bed but attempting to sit up on my own only lasts about a minute before the pain radiating through my gut put a stop to that.
I’m forced to lie in bed until Josie gets home. Last look at the clock says that’s an hour away. I vow to get my ass up and into that geriatric chair which I now view as a godsend the minute Josie gets home and can help me up. Might as well take another nap.
***
What seems like a short time later, I’m pulled from sleep by Josie sitting down beside me on the bed, her small hand grazing my forehead. She’s checking for fever, one of the things the hospital staff said to be on the lookout for, and it makes me smile. I also feel relief when I see she has a pain pill and a tall glass of orange juice.
“I’ve got to get out of this bed.” I mutter to her after I swallow to the horse pill and drink half of the orange juice. “Can you come back in like thirty once the medicine kicks in and help me?” I give her the best puppy dog face I can manage.
“Of course! Gives me enough time to grab a shower.” She grimaces and looks down at a stain in her shirt. “I need to wash off the failed science experiment!”
“Do I even want to know?” I utter with a laugh.
“Nope!” She gets up from the bed and leaves the room.
I sure do love that girl in all her craziness. I wish I could be more like her, never worrying about men and sexual frustration. That would be the life.
Chapter 33
Garrett
Three weeks. It’s been a full three weeks since I have laid eyes on Alexa. I feel empty, alone, and slightly psychotic. The unprompted texts from Ian have stopped and now all I get from him when I text or call to ask questions about her is Go see her or Ask her yourself.
She’s not reached out to me. Her Facebook is private so I can’t even stalk her on social media, other than staring at her gorgeous face on her profile picture, which I do. Often.
It’s Sunday and I’m restless and twitchy, my morning workout in the downstairs gym not even enough to boost endorphins and get me in a better mood. Unable to stay at my apartment, I opt for a long drive around town. The familiar buildings and stores pass by in a blur and don’t even register.
My life the last two weeks has been much of the same, going through the motions. I don’t even have much of a memory of what’
s happened. I know the club is still operating, thanks in a large part to Johnny. I know my reaction to this shit with Alexa is different than after Jamie and I split up because I’ve not sought out another woman, when that was the very first thing I did after leaving Jamie crying on the front porch of our modest home.
I pull my truck into the empty lot of Nature Trail Park, the idling of the engine hypnotic.
Garrett: How is she doing?
I text Ian one last time, hoping his response will be different this time. I stare out into the wilderness that begins on the edge of the man-made parking lot, noticing how spring is finally arriving and the flowers and trees are starting to bud and bloom. How did I miss the beginning of spring?
The way I see life has changed, the entire world seems to have dulled. My phone rings bringing me out of my moment of self pity.
“Hello?” I sigh into the phone.
“Hey, man,” Ian’s voice coming through the phone is a surprise. He sounds as somber as I feel.
“What’s up?” I question, resisting the urge to jump right into the conversation about Alexa.
“Listen, Garrett,” he begins and I get the feeling I’m not going to like what he has to say. “You really need to just go over there and see her.”
I quiet for a moment. “I’d love nothing more than to go over there, Ian, but I doubt she wants to see me.”
I hear him huff on the phone. My response is the same it has been to his previous nudges to just man up and go tell her how I feel. “You’d be surprised at what she wants.”
“Has she asked about me?” My voice has an edge of hopefulness to it and my heart rate has increased slightly. Please say yes!
“You just need to go see her,” he replies not answering my question. “What’s the worst that could happen?”
“You mean after I go over there to grovel and she shuts me down again? The worst thing is losing not only her but the last little bit of my pride, the last few ounces that I actually have anyways.” How can he even ask me that? He knows she hasn’t reached out to me.
“How’s that pride working out for you right now?” He asks, a mild hint of asshole in his voice.
I want to get pissed and take my anger and frustration out, but I can’t do that to Ian; especially not when he’s right.
“Poorly,” I mutter into the phone.
“So what are you going to do about it? Continue to waste away or go and try to get your girl back?” The tone of his voice is calm but reminds me of a coach attempting to get his team out of the half time loser slump before they head back out on the field.
Surprisingly, it works. “Fuck,” I huff into the phone, knowing my day is going to be much different than I had anticipated after waking up this morning. “I’ll think about it,” I eventually mutter to him.
“Think long, think wrong,” he offered before hanging up.
I sit in complete silence with my head against the backrest of the truck seat, my eyes closed and my breathing shallow. Living with her nonverbal rejection that occurred in the hospital; going to her and hearing her say the words would ruin me.
You’re already ruined.
I run through every scenario in my head, cringing at the one I think has a better chance of happening and smiling at the possibilities of others. The continued running of my fingers through my hair is beginning to give me a headache, as well as the stress of what’s to come.
I throw the truck into drive and head to my apartment. I need a shower since I didn’t get one after hitting the gym this morning. Honestly I don’t have the energy for much more and why dress nice and groom myself when the inevitable will ultimately throw me back into a gloomy state.
Just as I’m about to head out of the apartment to go to Alexa to grovel and beg, I’m struck with another round of nerves. My hands are shaking and my heart rate is over the top. I plop down on the couch and squeeze my eyes tightly closed.
I know the sudden attack has hit me for more than one reason. Not only am I terrified that she will reject me, I’m almost as terrified that she won’t. The idea of giving myself one hundred percent to another woman, allowing her in completely, giving her the ability to destroy me causes me to take pause.
Is that something I’m ready for? Could I see myself with Alexa for the rest of my life? Am I willing to take the chance with her now even if it may not work out in the long run?
A million questions, all with the same answer: yes.
The ridiculous image of us on the front of a farmhouse porch, gliding slowly in rocking chairs holding hands, both of our faces aged several decades hits me. I can’t help but laugh. No way Alexa would be down with country living. Surprisingly, I could see us together that long even though the scenery is inaccurate.
It’s the motivation I need to get off the couch. If I have it my way, that feisty, beautiful redhead will come back here with me by nightfall. The idea of having her in my arms once more has me hastily moving towards the door and down to my truck.
I wish I could tell you that my motivation never faltered as I drove across town to the apartment Alexa shared with long time friend Josie Bennett, but that’s not the case. After circling her block enough times I was afraid the other tenants would call the police for suspicious activity, I eventually parked.
It doesn’t end there. I sat in the truck in the dim parking garage for the better part of an hour, cursing myself for being such a pussy, cursing Jamie for the damage I had thought until recently that I was over. I even cursed Alexa for being so fucking irresistible. Those thoughts then lead to the stiffening of my cock, which meant I had to sit in the truck even longer. Nothing says asshole like showing up with my flag waving, begging her to take me back while appearing to only want one thing.
Once the parking garage started to grow dimmer, indicating that the sun was setting, I pulled together enough courage to get out of my truck. Suddenly I was hit with another emotion, this one nothing like the nerves in the apartment. All of a sudden I’m hit with the realization that the last time I stood in practically this same spot, Ian had called to tell about Alexa being shot. The memory almost brings me to my knees; a thin sheen of sweat covers my skin.
I do my best to shake it off knowing, hoping, she is up stairs and healthy; recovering from her horrendous night. I opt to take the stairs, giving my nerves a little more time to calm before I face her. I’ve worked through in my head a million times what I would say to her, each and every word lacking the real ability to fully express how I feel about her.
I know I have to take cues from her, if she even lets me speak. I may be shut down at the door and told to never come back. That thought causes the slight tremble of my hand as I reach up and knock on her apartment door.
Chapter 34
Alexa
The past few weeks have been a very tough but steady climb towards recovery. I’ve spent most days and nights in that monstrosity of a recliner that Lorali bought. If I’m being honest I know that bad boy is going nowhere, even after I’m fully recovered.
“Have you thought about what you want for dinner?” Josie is on the couch across from me. I’m curled up on my recliner, a soft afghan my grandmother made all around me and tucked under my chin. She is steadily scooping handfuls of cheesy crackers into her mouth.
“How can you even think about eating?” I motion my head towards the box of crackers on her lap. “You’ve been wolfing down everything in sight for the past hour and a half!” I laugh. She has the metabolism of a damn teenage boy. She eats all day long, like it’s her last meal and never gains an ounce. If I had the energy I’d smack her in the face.
I’m on soft foods now and the idea of eating one more bowl of oatmeal or another baked potato make me cringe. I’d rather just not eat at all. Lorali was right in the hospital when she mentioned that I’d lose those five stubborn pounds I’d gained since college. I’ve actually lost seven and at this moment in time I’d give anything to have them back plus a few more if it meant I could eat some actual foo
d. I promise myself to never get shot again, if only to avoid the diet restrictions it brings.
She smiles at me and tosses back another handful of the crackers and it makes my mouth water. “Evil cow,” I mutter to her as she chews loudly and licks the salt off of her fingers.
“What’s it going to be? Applesauce? Scrambled eggs?” I let out a long huff. Most days I’ll just go ahead and drink a protein shake for dinner because by the end of the day I’m so frustrated with my choices I just give up. I let it slip during my physical therapy appointment today and was chastised. Apparently my body has to get used to the different stages and textures of food again to work properly. I’ve been setting my recovery back by being winey and refusing food in the evenings.
Before I can grumble and bitch further about my lack of choices, a knock at the door interrupts us.
Josie looks at me and then back at the door, a slight degree of confusion on her face. We’re not expecting anyone. Honestly Lorali, Ian, and Mallory are the only ones who’ve been visiting and they always call before showing up. Apparently I’ve been rather moody and they call to check the atmosphere before stepping into what Lorali has lovingly labeled “the lion’s den.”
Josie unfolds herself from the couch and places the open box of crackers on the coffee table in front of her before heading to the door to see who our mystery guest is. Having no concern over who it may be, I continue to flip through channels on the TV all the while bitching under my breath about the less than stellar choices of shows on primetime TV these days.
It seems like Josie has been gone forever when a movement to the right of me draws my attention. I gasp and drop the remote, barely registering the sound when it hits the hardwood floor and bounces away.
Garrett is at the threshold of the living room an unreadable expression on his face. I stare at him, taking in his tired, shaggy look. He’s in sweats and a form fitting t-shirt, the sight makes my mouth water and my heart clench simultaneously.
