Renegade Heart (Renegades Book 1)

by Lissa Lynn Thomas

  Troy speaks up from his spot next to our driver. “Okay. Enough. Fucking shut up both of you. I’m so sick of listening to you two bitch at each other!”

  “Troy, you are not good at this, okay. Stop trying to help.” Bran says.

  “Fuck that noise.” Troy counters. “You two aren’t allowed to talk about Chloe anymore. All you do is fight when you do.”

  “Troy—” I start, but he cuts me off.

  “No, I mean it. This is bullshit. Both of you assholes shut up. You need a time out.”

  Anger boils over inside me but I shut it down, keeping my mouth closed and turning to look out the window. I watch the scenery fly by as we head back to our hotel for the night, trying to hold back everything I’m feeling right now. I might be surrounded by my best friends, but I’ve never felt more alone. Right now, I’d give anything to be anywhere else with anyone else. I don’t want to feel like this anymore, I can’t stand it. I can’t keep going this way.

  Chapter 20

  Chloe

  I slept poorly last night. I completely gave up at five, deciding to start my day with a brisk jog through the early morning quiet of town. My hope was that it would wake me up and clear my head. The opposite happened instead. I spent the entirety of my run obsessing over my increasingly short calls with Raif, the drooping sales at the Saloon. The worsening issues with my mother. I returned home with a heavier heart than when I left.

  Most days I wake up feeling lonely, missing Raif. Mornings before were for slow, sweet kisses and runs through town where we pushed each other to keep going. Even before we became a couple, we would share breakfast on my back porch. Look out over the town square as we talked about anything and everything. It was usually the best part of my day. And more than I miss my boyfriend, I miss those times. I miss my best friend. I don’t think I have ever felt this alone before in my life.

  I feel like the longer he’s gone, the slimmer the chance is that he’s coming back to me when the tour’s over. After all, Renegades are becoming famous now. Their single, Renegade Heart, is a radio hit. I know for a fact, Troy and Luke both plan on moving to Nashville permanently. Bran has been considering splitting his time between White Oak and Tennessee. No one knows if Raif has made any decisions regarding where he’ll make his home when this tour is done. I’m too afraid to ask.

  Raif wasn’t even the one to share any of that news with me. I heard it secondhand at the Saloon after Luke called his sisters a few weeks ago. I’d like to think that Raif would talk to me before figuring all that out. But I don’t know anymore. Our calls have become almost painful. I feel like an obligation that he feels he has to honor. Something to check off his to do list. An annoyance that stands in the way of him really enjoying this experience.

  On top of my relationship crumbling, my mother has become impossible to handle. She’s now ducking into the Saloon at least twice a week, sometimes even daily. Out of good ideas about how to keep her away, I’ve begun calling the sheriff every single time she appears. I’m hoping that if she gets arrested for trespassing enough times, maybe they’ll actually hold her. Maybe, eventually she’ll be wholly discouraged from returning. I don’t believe I am that lucky, though.

  At only eleven am, I can already feel my control over my emotions slipping. Since my run, my morning’s been spent hiding in the office at the Saloon going over the books. This was a mistake. I skipped breakfast, I have no appetite to speak of these days. My stomach is empty, my whole-body throbbing with its hollowness. Desperation has married the grief eating me up inside and now they both color everything. Things are only getting worse as the days go by.

  I wish my mother was my only worry. I wish I had a mother who baked cookies and nurtured me. Rather than a mother who slept around, spending her days drunk or high on whatever substance she can find to escape the darkness that’s ruined her from the inside. I cut that thought off before it can really take root. I know better than to go down that road. This is the hand I was dealt. I know better than to hope for more. Maybe that’s where I went wrong with Raif?

  Honestly, I really wish I was with the boys on the road. I’d rather be wrapped up in the chaos of the tour, with my friends, and my boyfriend. Anything would be better than being here pinching pennies and watching my grandfather’s dreams die. Without the band in town to perform twice a month, revenue is down at the Saloon. I’m considering closing on Sundays from now on to help us save money. We can’t afford to pay our staff for the hours we’re currently working. I haven’t taken a full paycheck in over a month. Lacey’s already quit because I had to cut her hours. She was sweet about it, but I still feel awful. Like I’m running my grandfather’s business into the ground.

  Between learning to navigate a long-distance relationship with a burgeoning country music star and trying to save my family’s fading business, I don’t have a lot of time for dealing with my mother’s antics. That doesn’t stop her from making life more difficult, though. And on top of everything else, today is the one-year anniversary of my grandfather’s passing. It took me by surprise, I was paying bills and making notes and then the date clicked in my head and my heart broke all over again.

  Not a day goes by that I don’t think of my grandfather and wish he was still around. To talk to, for companionship, to take back the responsibility of running his business. I hate feeling like I am failing him. I’m destroying what he and my grandmother built together. I don’t know how I managed it, but I did. The truth is right there in front of me in the spreadsheet I’ve been staring at for the last forty-five minutes.

  I keep trying to push through the grief that’s been threatening to swallow me lately. I’m failing at that, too, though. My grandfather ran this business all his adult life. When he was alive, it thrived. I don’t know if it’s because Lilly May has been invading in that domain now that he’s gone as she never did when he was alive. I only know it’s all on me to protect his legacy, and I’m letting him down. No matter what I do, I can only see one small ray of hope. And even if I try it, it might not work.

  Massaging my temples, I try to breathe through the panic in my chest. A knock sounds at my door and then Odetta’s red head pops in. “You got a minute, honey?”

  I gulp down my encroaching tears and nod. “Course. Come on in. What can I do for you?”

  She comes around the desk and motions for me to stand up, and I, as usual, do as she says. Before I can even ask her what’s going on, she pulls me into her arms and hugs me tight. The tears burn hotter, making it hard to breathe as Odetta rubs my back and holds me close. After a long moment, she pulls back and brushes my hair away from my face, studying my eyes intently.

  “How are you doing?” Odetta asks me, her eyes kind.

  I laugh without humor, feeling the tears bubble up inside me once more. “Oh, I’m just peachy. How did I get here, Odetta? When I took over last year this was a successful business. And now we’re just hemorrhaging money.”

  She pats my cheek and moves her hands to my shoulders. “Baby, you are not to blame for that. The business has been slowing down for a couple years now. Merle just never told you. And besides, you never asked for this. You’re doing the best you can.”

  “I never dreamed he’d want me to have this place.” I murmur, trying to defend myself even though she just said it’s not my fault. I can’t help but disagree. He trusted me and I’m wrecking everything he built.

  “You were everything to him, honey. I think mostly he wanted to make sure you’d have a way to support yourself no matter what. He didn’t want you to have to answer to anyone else because he hated that.”

  I nod, my throat closing on me in my attempt to keep the tears at bay. She seems to understand, though. She pats my cheek again, sighing at whatever she sees in my face. I swallow down the tears and try to smile. “We’re gonna have to close on Sundays from now on.” My voice wobbles and I square my shoulders, trying to bolster myself.

  “That’s okay, Chloe. Have you thought about what your next plan
of action will be if that doesn’t help?” Her voice is soft, uncharacteristically sweet and I know I’m in trouble, because I’ve earned her pity.

  I shake my head. “I mean, we can eliminate lunch next I suppose. That doesn’t bring in much revenue and even if you and I are the only ones on the payroll for that time span most days, it’s a cut we can make.”

  She nods at me. “That’s definitely something we can do.” She seems to weigh her next words for a long moment before speaking. Finally, she licks her lips and asks, “Can I ask you something, honey?”

  “Of course.”

  “Do you even want to run this place?” She practically whispers to me. “It seems to be dragging you down and stressing you out. Especially since the boys left.”

  I swallow down a hysterical laugh. “I don’t know,” I tell her. But I think she knows it’s a lie. She frowns at me thoughtfully.

  “I think you need a vacation. Why don’t you go meet up with the boys out west? I think it would do you good. And I can run things here if you like…or we can close up for a week. No one will die if you take a break, honey.”

  This time I can’t hold back the quiet snort of derisive laughter. “I’m not gonna crash his party.” I say softly, and I watch her thin mouth go even thinner.

  “What do you mean? Did something happen?”

  I shake my head, holding up my hand to ward off further questions that I cannot handle right now. “No, no. I’m just…” I sigh, rubbing at the pounding pressure in my temples. “He hasn’t said he wants me there,” I admit finally.

  She hugs me again, which is how I know I must look and sound absolutely pathetic. After a few sniffles from me, she pushes me back gently. “Now you listen here. I’ve known you and Raif since you were in diapers. That boy loves you, Chloe. He’s just an idiot. You need to talk to him, baby. Because he’s not gonna read your mind.”

  I frown at her, going on the defensive. “He’s not an idiot, Odetta. Don’t talk that way about him, please.” I swallow. “It’s not his fault if he wants out and doesn’t know how to tell me.”

  She pats my cheek again, smiling sweetly at me despite my rebuke. “Sorry, sweet tart. I call it like I see it.” She sighs, studying my face. “You two will find your way out of this.” She shrugs. “Or you won’t. Either way, I promise you it won’t be the end of the world. You’ll survive whatever comes.”

  I’m both bolstered and frightened by her words. I grab her this time, hugging her tight. “Thank you,” I say, finally letting the tears slip past my defenses. “I don’t know what I’d do without you, Odetta.”

  She strokes her hand over my hair and squeezes me. “Sweetheart, you have got to learn how to ask for help when you need it. There are so many people who love you and would help you in a heartbeat. You just have to let them.”

  I turn my face into her neck and allow myself to cry for a moment, enjoying the feeling of someone older, wiser—someone like a parent, hugging me. Someone caring. I can’t speak. She allows it for a minute or two and then gently pushes me back again, cupping my face in her wrinkled hands.

  “I know you feel adrift without your boys, honey, but you’re not alone.”

  I flinch at her words. They’re not my boys. Not anymore. They left me behind when they hired a new manager without even warning me. I never technically had the job, but I certainly did it. And I never realized how much it meant to me to feel like I was a part of them until I didn’t have it anymore.

  Chapter 21

  Raif

  Two days after Pippa showed up after our show, I’m woken up to the sound of someone pounding on my hotel room door. I groan and hide my head under my pillow, hoping whoever is out there will just go away if I ignore them long enough. We left Columbus right after the radio interview and rode the nine hours to Denver without speaking to each other. It was a long, silent ride. Normally, we all talk and goof around but this time, it was so quiet it actually felt oppressive. I don’t know what to say to any of them anymore. I’m tired of learning how low an opinion they all seem to have of me.

  I’m so glad this tour is almost over, I need a break. A weekend to just be on my own and figure out how in the world things got so fucked. And then I need to go home and be with Chloe. That is, once I’ve figured out how to fix what’s gone sideways in our relationship. Right. And then I’ll cure world hunger.

  By the time we got to the hotel and checked in, it was the middle of the night. I crashed hard. I remember stripping down and falling into my bed. I didn’t unpack. Didn’t shower like I’d been longing to the whole ride here. Now that I think of it, I didn’t even call or text Chloe. Fuck me, I suck.

  Whoever’s at my door keeps on banging. It has to be Luke, wanting to finish hashing things out. I’m in no freaking mood to deal with any of that right now. Honestly, I’m angry at him. Troy’s words about Luke knowing Chloe—what she needs, what she feels—better than I do keep ringing in my head. The fact that he’s seen her naked, that she was technically his first, makes me crazy if I think about it too hard. That’s not helping.

  Furious jealousy coats my throat, souring my stomach. “Go the fuck away, Luke. I’m done confiding in you, so you can turn around and make me feel like shit about things.” I bellow, without moving off the bed. I glance at the alarm clock on the nightstand and see it’s almost ten am. I might be able to catch Chloe before she goes down to the Saloon for the day if I call her right now. I reach for my phone to check for messages and the banging continues as though I never spoke.

  “Would you quit your bellyaching and just let me in already?” Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. It’s not Luke. “C’mon Raif, I’m not leaving until we talk.” It’s Pippa. I set my phone back down on the nightstand, debating what I should do.

  I could call security and make a fuss and tell them to get her out of here. The fact that she followed us to Denver is sort of creepy, and I’m sorely tempted to embrace the drama. Or I could just open the door and talk to her so maybe she’ll stop trailing me like a bad penny. There’s no good option.

  Talking to her seems like the path of least resistance. I scramble out of bed, fumbling to open my suitcase and pulling out a pair of sweatpants to put on as I stomp towards the door bare-chested. Why the hell can’t she just go away? I don’t need this hassle right now. Nothing good will come of this. I know that already, in the pit of my stomach. If Luke—or any of the guys—see her, I’m screwed. Luke will most likely punch me. And I’d deserve it. Any of them would tell Chloe and I don’t know if our relationship could handle that at the moment.

  I pull open the door and see Pippa standing there looking cool and collected now that she’s got her way. She’s wearing a form-fitting black wrap dress that just hits her knees and leaves way too much of the creamy skin of her chest on display. Her red hair is coiled in perfect curls that fall down her back. Three-inch black heels make her almost as tall as me. She’s after something for sure. I straighten and force my eyes away from her body and back to hers.

  “What do you want? And how did you find out where we were staying?” I snap at her, trying to ignore the way my body heats just at the sight of her looking like this. She might be gorgeous, but she’s nothing but trouble for me.

  She steps forward and lets her body brush up against mine as I stand in her way. “Really? It can’t be that hard to figure out, Raif. I want you back.” She ignores my question about how she knew where we were. Typical Pippa.

  She leans up as though she means to kiss me, and I step back fast to keep her from her goal. She takes the opportunity to slip by me, into my room, smiling wide, satisfied with my reaction. I played right into her hands.

  My head pounds with rage and exhaustion, all I want is for her to go away, but I know that won’t be happening. Not until she has her say. So instead I slam the door shut and turn to her, noting how she flops down on my bed like she belongs there. Like she has the right to just walk back into my life after the way she humiliated me over the summer. In her mind, I guess leav
ing me at the altar wasn’t unforgivable? I don’t know, but I do know that Chloe will never be okay with this.

  “I’m not available.” I tell her, leaning back against the closed door. My goal is to keep my distance from her. I don’t want to give her any ideas.

  She smiles at me like she’s already won. She leans back on her elbows, crossing one of her legs over the other, giving me a clear view of the scarlet panties she’s wearing. I avert my eyes, keeping them on her face. “You’re not available,” she repeats. Like it’s a joke, something funny I’ve said to make her laugh. “Everyone’s available, baby, don’t you know that by now?” She leans back so her cleavage is displayed at the best angle and I cross my arms over my chest, glaring down at her. I’m not going any closer.

  “You’re wrong, Pip.” Shaking my head at her audacity, I think back to all the talk, the way she ran my name through the dirt back home, made a fool out of me. “That explains the rumors that always followed you around, though. You were open for business to anyone who wanted you, weren’t you?” At her angry look, I correct myself. “No, I’m sorry, not anyone. Just anyone who might get you out of there someday.”

  She hisses at me like an angry cat but then smooths out her face, making her voice saccharine sweet. “I know I hurt you, Raif, and I’m sorry, but here I am. I want to make things right. What can I do?” She sounds confused as to why I’m not falling back into where we left off. She tilts her head at me, her blue eyes glittering wickedly. “Do you want to punish me?”

  I ram my fingers through my hair, tugging on it to try and tamp down the desire to do just that. I don’t hit women. Never, for nothing, doesn’t matter. I am not my father. But this woman brings out the absolute worst in me. And she’d get a kick out of destroying me, she always has.

  “You didn’t actually. You woke me up. Saved me from making the biggest mistake of my life.” I say, enjoying the way her whole body stiffens at my words. “I need you to listen very carefully and hear me Pippa.” Her eyes narrow to slits, but I push on. “I am in love with someone else. I don’t want you anywhere near me.”