The Feel of Forever

by Lyn Denison

  “If she really loved me why did she leave me?”

  “Maybe she loved you too much to take you with her. It wouldn’t have been easy fitting her relationship with you in with her high-profile job without subjecting you to the not-always-gentle probing of the press. Have you considered that?”

  “I just feel as though everyone else made the most important decision of my life for me without consulting me.”

  Mayla nodded. “I do see that, Fliss, and that’s a valid point. But the bottom line is you can’t turn back the clock and you do have control of your life here and now.” She took hold of Fliss’s hand. “Fliss, I want you to do one thing for me. Please don’t let past bitterness color what you do want right here and now.”

  “Oh, Mayla. I don’t know what to do,” Fliss said softly.

  “It’s your decision now, Fliss.” Mayla gave Fliss’s hand a gentle shake before releasing her. “And I think I should tell you Bailey rang me before she came back to the island. She said it was just to touch base. But in the conversation she asked how you were and, very subtly, if you were involved with anyone. There’s only one reason why she’d do that, don’t you think? And I got the impression if I’d said you were in a relationship she wouldn’t have returned.” Mayla shrugged. “Just my take on it.”

  Footsteps interrupted them and they turned as Bailey came across to join them, juggling three Styrofoam cups of steaming tea. “I saw you arrive so I got an extra cup.”

  “Thanks.” Mayla smiled. “Fliss was just telling me how lucky her father and Liam were to be found.”

  They drank their tea and talked about the rescue until Fliss smothered a yawn. Suddenly she felt totally exhausted.

  “I think we should get you home,” Bailey said. “We can drop you off home on the way, Mayla, if you like.”

  In the car Fliss sat back, closed her eyes and let herself drift. She felt almost numb from exhaustion. She recalled saying good-bye to Mayla and the next thing she knew Bailey was gently touching her arm.

  “We’re here.”

  “Oh.” Fliss sat up but couldn’t seem to move to get out of the car.

  “Will you be all right?” Bailey asked.

  “Yes. No. I don’t know. Would you—? Could you come in with me?” she finished quickly.

  “Of course.” Bailey got out of the car and when Fliss continued to sit there she walked around to open Fliss’s door. “Come on. Out you get.”

  Fliss slowly climbed out of the car. “Have you got your key?”

  Fliss handed her the house key and followed her up to the front door. Bailey unlocked it and switched on the light.

  “I—Bailey, I don’t want to—” She stopped.

  “I know.”

  “But I’d like you to stay.”

  Bailey nodded. “Come on,” she said softly.

  Fliss followed her inside and up the stairs.

  “You’ll feel better after a hot shower. Will you be all right?”

  Fliss nodded. “There’s a shower downstairs you can use. I’ll get you some clothes.” She went into her room, came back with a nightshirt.

  “Thanks.” Bailey was careful not to let her fingers touch Fliss’s. “I’ll check in on you, okay?”

  Fliss nodded. She went into the bathroom like an automaton, showered and returned to her bedroom. Bailey had turned down the bed for her and she slipped in between the sheets and sighed as she stretched out. She closed her eyes but a multitude of memories swirled about inside her and she jumped when Bailey tapped on the open door.

  “Feel better?” Bailey took a couple of steps into the room.

  “Yes. Thanks.”

  “All right. I’ll see you in the morning,”

  Bailey turned away. “Bailey?” Fliss said thickly, her heartbeats accelerating. “Would you stay? I just need you to hold me. I don’t think I can bear to be alone tonight.”

  Chapter Eleven

  Bailey paused and then slowly crossed to the bed. She climbed in beside Fliss and they lay side by side carefully not touching. Then Bailey turned slightly and lifted her arm so Fliss could cuddle into her. Fliss sighed brokenly and fell almost instantly asleep, her head on Bailey’s shoulder, her arm across her waist.

  It was a little before dawn when Fliss stirred. Her room had begun to lighten and she opened her eyes to check the time on her bedside clock. At the same time she registered the warmth beside her and the evening before came flooding back. Her father’s rescue, his revelations. And Bailey.

  Bailey had turned on her side facing Fliss, her hand resting lightly on Fliss’s thigh. Fliss’s body reacted immediately, desire spiralling inside her. Bailey was as beautiful in sleep as she was awake. But, of course, Fliss already knew that. Dark lashes fanned her cheeks, her lips, those incredible lips, were slightly open as she slept and her dark hair was a little tousled. The covers had slipped down and Fliss could see the rise of her breasts beneath the thin cotton of her nightshirt.

  Fliss wanted her so badly she could barely breathe. That first day on the headland she’d fallen in love with this woman. And no matter how hard she’d tried, no matter how often she’d told herself she was over it, she knew she was still desperately in love with her.

  Why hadn’t she let Bailey talk the other day? She’d known they needed to but she ran, afraid to hear what Bailey had to say. Remembering how Bailey had hurt her was second nature to her, the memory a protective shell she’d wrapped around her to keep the world at bay. She had been so fearful of losing that protection, of allowing herself to be vulnerable again. Would Bailey be prepared to talk now? Fliss sincerely hoped so.

  Bailey moved, sighed and her eyes opened. She blinked and then smiled slowly. “Is it morning?”

  “Almost.” Fliss swallowed. “Have you been awake long?”

  “No.”

  “Well, good morning,” Bailey said softly. “Do you feel better?”

  “Yes. Good morning to you too. And thanks. For staying.”

  “My pleasure.” Bailey moved her hand on Fliss’s thigh and paused. Her gaze held Fliss’s and the air between them seemed to shift, desire hovering, suspended there between them as it always was. Then Bailey had removed her hand and rolled onto her back.

  The pulse at the base of Bailey’s throat fluttered and Fliss desperately wanted to put her lips to that sensitive spot. “Bailey, about lunch the other day. Afterwards. I want to apologize. I overreacted.”

  Bailey sighed. “I’m the one who should be apologizing. I shouldn’t have kissed you. But I—” She sat up. “Let’s forget recriminations and put that day behind us. Shall I make some coffee?”

  Fliss’s tummy rumbled and Bailey smiled.

  “Did you have any dinner last night?”

  “No. I don’t think I did.” Fliss frowned. “With everything going on I guess I forgot.”

  “Then I’ll make breakfast. What do you feel like?”

  You, Fliss wanted to say. She felt herself flush and sat up too. “What say you make the coffee and I’ll do the breakfast. Would you like cereal or something cooked? Eggs and bacon?”

  “Cereal will be fine.”

  They both got out of bed. In the kitchen they moved carefully around each other before sitting down at the breakfast nook. They ate their cereal, drank coffee and tried to make small talk. But so much hung there between them and Fliss only grew tenser. By the time they’d finished eating she could barely swallow.

  Sliding a surreptitious glance at Bailey, Fliss watched as she picked up her coffee mug, put it down without drinking any. Outwardly she looked calm, but the pulse at the base of her throat continued to flutter. She was obviously as on edge as Fliss was.

  Fliss took a steadying breath. “Bailey, can we try to talk now?”

  “Are you sure you’re ready?” Bailey asked slowly.

  “Yes.” Fliss stood up. “Shall we go into the living room?”

  Bailey nodded and followed Fliss down the hallway. They sat down opposite each other. Bailey was the first t
o break the uneasy silence.

  “I’m sorry I made such a mess of the other day, Fliss. There was so much I wanted to say. And I”—she shrugged—“couldn’t seem to find the right words.” She gave a self-derisive laugh. “Me, who’s known Australia-wide as a cutting-edge reporter, who is never at a loss for words.” Bailey worried at a thread on the sofa. “In retrospect I realize it was insensitive of me to start talking about Grant. But there was, there is something I needed to tell you about him.” Bailey shook her head. “I wanted you to know he’s never been my husband in the true sense of the word.”

  Fliss looked across at Bailey in surprise.

  “Our marriage was, well, convenient, if you like, for both of us.”

  “I don’t understand. Perhaps you’d better start at the beginning, don’t you think,” Fliss said slowly, trying to take it all in.

  Bailey nodded. “I met Grant when he covered the surf championships at the Coast. We sort of felt like kindred souls I guess. Whenever he was in Queensland we got together, had a meal, went to a few business dinners and such. The rumors about us being an item started slowly. We were amused because we were just friends. It suited me, made me feel”—she pulled a face— “normal.”

  “Normal?”

  Bailey nodded. “I was paranoid about being thought to be a lesbian back then. I knew I was but I was working towards an on-screen position and any whisper of that and I would have had to kiss any job good-bye.”

  “It was that bad?”

  “Yes. Grant knew my promotion, the job down south, was in the wind and he suggested we get married. I told him I wasn’t in love with him and he said it didn’t matter, that it would suit us both and would be good publicity for both of us. I couldn’t see how it would help him. He was already well-known and was the leading sports reporter in Australia. But he said he was tired of being set up with a parade of women and marrying me would put an end to all that. He said he really wanted me to think about it.

  “That’s why I came over to stay with John, to consider his proposal. I thought I owed it to him to at least do that. There was no one special in my life. There never had been.” She pulled a face. “I mean, I was so discreet I had no private life. Then I landed on the island and met you and for the first time in my life I fell in love. With you.”

  Something clutched at Fliss’s heart and she swallowed as a constricting lump of tears rose in her throat.

  “When I left here,” Bailey continued, “and went down to Sydney to start the job, I went to see Grant and I told him I couldn’t marry him and why. I told him everything.”

  “You told Grant Benson about us?” Fliss asked incredulously and Bailey nodded. “But wasn’t that dangerous? What if he’d told someone?”

  “Part of me was wishing he would. Quite honestly. But he didn’t. And he still wanted to marry me.”

  “He wanted to marry a lesbian?” Did he think Bailey had simply had a brief dalliance with a woman before settling back into the more socially acceptable heterosexuality? Hadn’t Fliss thought that herself after Bailey left? “Is it really every man’s fantasy?” Fliss asked bitterly.

  “It’s not Grant’s fantasy.” Bailey sighed. “He told me he was gay too.”

  “He’s gay?” Fliss stilled. “You mean he wanted a smokescreen for himself as well?”

  “Oh, yes. At that time, probably more so. I hadn’t heard the rumors about him but apparently they were surfacing.”

  “But you had a child.”

  “Yes. We had a beautiful child. There are other methods of accomplishing that. Grant and I never had sex. We both went through rigorous tests before we began the process. When we had Davie we were both ecstatic. And we were both devastated when we lost him. So was Grant’s partner.”

  “He has a partner?”

  “Yes and I knew about that before we got married.”

  “How did you feel about it?”

  Bailey shrugged. “They’d been together for twelve years back then and there had been whispers about them. Grant thought getting married would quell all that. He wanted to end the rumors and I’d lost you. So I agreed.”

  Fliss still couldn’t believe Grant Benson was gay. He was a sports presenter, a man’s man. Women flocked around him. How could he keep something like that a secret for so long? Surely someone would have photographed the two men together. Fliss’s eyes widened. “His co-presenter, Jamie Mayne. They’ve worked together for years.”

  Bailey nodded. “Yes, Jamie. He’s a nice guy and he loves Grant. They love each other.”

  Jamie Mayne was a quieter, darker foil for Grant Benson’s fair good looks.

  “What did he think about you and Grant getting married?”

  “He knew it was all a cover and he knew he had nothing to fear from me. He was a great support when Davie died. He held Grant and I together. He was as much a part of Davie’s life as Grant and I were and I think it was probably harder for Jamie.

  “The media left Grant and I alone to some extent but they decided Jamie would be the spokesman for us. It very nearly tore Jamie apart and I didn’t realize until it was almost too late. I was so busy blaming myself for Davie’s accident. So was Grant. We didn’t see what was happening with Jamie.

  “Six months ago Jamie collapsed and they thought he’d had a heart attack. Luckily it wasn’t but it made us all stop and take stock. We realized we all needed to do some reevaluating. Grant and Jamie went to the States to cover the swimming championships and I came here.”

  “When you got married I thought—” Fliss swallowed. “I knew then you weren’t coming back.”

  “Oh, Fliss. I’m so sorry. You were never far from my thoughts. Hundreds of times I lifted the phone to ring you but I didn’t want to mess up your life any more than I already had.”

  “And I wanted to call you when your son died, but I thought you maybe wouldn’t want to talk to me, that I would only upset you more,” Fliss said.

  “After Davie died I walked out of the hospital, got in my car and drove. I still have no recollection of it but apparently I drove straight through from Sydney. Grant was frantic and reported I was missing to a friend of his in the police force. It was all very strictly off-the-record. The police stopped me about twenty miles from the ferry. I was coming over to you.”

  “You were?”

  Bailey nodded. “No one knew where I’d gone. Officially the police were told I’d just had a breakdown. It was all hushed up. People were sympathetic because I’d just lost my son. Grant and Jamie came after me, talked to me and took me back. Grant and I went to Fiji.” She grimaced. “Jamie stayed to cover our tracks.”

  Fliss’s mind was in overload. It was too much to take in.

  “I did try to phone you when your mother died. I spoke to your father.”

  “Dad never mentioned it,” Fliss said carefully.

  “I suppose he was distraught. He’d just lost your mother.”

  Fliss looked across at Bailey and her heartbeats fluttered nervously. She had loved her for so long. Now she was here and—

  “Fliss, when I left eight years ago, I thought I was doing the right thing. I even convinced myself I’d made the honorable choice. You were so much younger than I was. You hadn’t had a chance to consider any other options besides, well, me. But I knew how difficult it was all going to be if we had gone down to Sydney together.

  “When I started to unburden to Grant it all overwhelmed me. I was almost hysterical. I told Grant I shouldn’t have left the island without you, that we should have given it a try. I fell to pieces and I was going to call you. Grant talked me out of it. And I’m sorry to say, I let him. I was a fool, Fliss. I should never have listened to anyone. I should have followed my heart.” She looked across at Fliss and brushed a strand of hair back behind her ear in that familiar nervous gesture.

  Fliss’s whole body seemed to come alive. She wanted to throw herself into Bailey’s arms but there was so much more to be said. “Last night my father told me my mother had spok
en to you. About me. And about our relationship.”

  Bailey remained silent.

  “It was that last night, wasn’t it?” Fliss asked her. “The night we went out to dinner and then up to Kingston’s Hill?”

  Bailey shook her head. “We were both so eager, weren’t we? You’d walked over to the cottage and I’d set out early because I couldn’t bear to be apart from you another minute.” She glanced at Fliss and away again. “Your mother was there alone when I arrived to pick you up that night.”

  “What did she say?”

  “She was so concerned about you, Fliss. How young you were. How much older I was. How difficult a lesbian lifestyle was. But”—she shook her head—“when I was with you I couldn’t seem to think past how much I wanted to be with you. Everything your mother said that night, well, they were all sound points, ones I’d thought about myself, believe me.”

  “I remember thinking you and Mum looked a little strange when I walked in that night. But I was so excited about being alone with you I didn’t give it any more thought.”

  “I surely did,” Bailey said with a grimace. “I could barely swallow a mouthful at dinner that night. And I was so torn. I desperately wanted you with me in Sydney but I also knew the pitfalls. Your mother only reminded me.”

  “You should have told me,” Fliss said softly, even though she knew Bailey wouldn’t have.

  “How could I?” Bailey asked and a tear overflowed, trickled down her cheek. “I knew you loved us both. How could I put you in a position where you had to choose betweeen us?”

  Fliss went to her then, took Bailey in her arms. They were both crying now and they held each other as though they’d never let each other go. Eventually, their sobs subsided and Bailey drew back a little and looked into Fliss’s eyes, tenderly wiped at Fliss’s damp cheek with her thumb.

  “I love you, Fliss,” she said. “I never stopped loving you. And I was so afraid you would have made a life with someone else. Without me.”

  “Somehow I could never seem to do that.” Fliss’s eyes over- flowed again and she took hold of Bailey’s hand, placed a lingering kiss in her palm. She looked up, and Bailey leaned slowly forward. Her kiss was feather-soft and reverent. She drew back, kissed Fliss again and Fliss dissolved against her as they sank into each other.