Saving Forever (The Ever Trilogy: Book 3)

by Jasinda Wilder

  Playing the cello was nearly impossible. Getting my bow arm around my belly and my cello required an act of contortion that was physically painful.

  I was bored.

  I was scared.

  And, through it all, Carter was himself, calm, quiet, supportive. Attentive, occasionally more physically affectionate than I could tolerate.

  Not because I didn’t want him to touch me, but because I did. So much. I lived for the moments when he’d accidentally reach out and brush my hair away from my eyes. Once, when crossing the parking lot on the way into Meijer, I slipped on a patch of ice, and he caught me in his arms. And, as if the feel of his arm around my waist wasn’t enough, he held my hand the rest of the way. I felt like a teenager as we walked across the parking lot, hand in hand. That tiny, innocent gesture made my heart hammer so hard I felt it in my ears. His hand was warm, despite the bite in the air. Rough, and strong. Like him.

  Ever since Mom’s death, Christmas had been a strained, difficult holiday. It had been her favorite time of year, and like everything else Mom had loved while alive, Dad hated it after she died. By the time college rolled around, Dad was simply a check in the mail, and Christmas was just Ever and me, usually at her place. We’d watch Christmas Vacation and stuff ourselves sick with eggnog and cookies and pie, and then on Christmas Day we’d exchange gifts and spend the day on a movie marathon.

  This was the first time I’d ever been truly alone for the holidays, and maybe it was just the hormones, but the idea of spending Christmas Eve alone made me cry. I actually had to sit down on the couch and cry, and try to catch my breath. I missed Ever. I wanted to call her. I wanted to see her breeze through my door with a tin of green- and red-sprinkled sugar cookies and a bottle of rum. I wanted to hug her and have her tell me it would be okay. Tell me I was being an idiot and to woman up.

  But she wouldn’t. How could I just call her now? Oh, hey, sis. How are you? I’m good. Just thirty weeks pregnant and carrying a beach ball around in my stomach. Who’s the daddy? Your husband. Sorry I didn’t tell you sooner—I’ve just been busy being a coward.

  I’d run away, and now it was too late to take it back. I couldn’t figure out what I could’ve done any differently, but that didn’t make it any easier to deal with my own cowardice. I’d have to face them someday. But when? It would never be easy. There would always be the questions and the heart-wrenching answers. The marriage-ruining answers. The home-wrecking answers.

  I was lost in a downward spiral of self-loathing and self-pity when Carter showed up. It was eleven in the morning, Christmas Eve. He was dressed in a pair of tight, faded blue jeans and a terrifyingly ugly Christmas sweater. It was glaring red and had Frosty the Snowman embroidered on it. That wouldn’t have been so bad, except that Frosty was wearing a red and green scarf. An actual, physical scarf sewn across the sweater. It was horrible, but yet I couldn’t look away.

  He rapped on the door as he let himself in, as usual. I looked up at him from my place on the couch, eyes red from crying and my nose running, and I saw him.

  “What—what the fuck are you wearing, Carter?” I couldn’t help laughing. Except laughing made a little pee squirt out, so the laugh turned into a moan of frustration.

  “It’s my Ugly Christmas Sweater,” he said, and something in the tone of his voice lent the capital letters to the title. “What’s the matter?”

  I sniffed and wiped at my eyes. “Well, for one thing, I just peed.” I’d already explained the pregnancy-pee scenario to him. “And aside from that…everything.”

  Carter sat down beside me, and put his arm around my shoulders. I couldn’t help nuzzling into him, burying my face in the wool of his sweater and inhaling his clean scent. He smelled like shampoo and faint cologne and, of course, sawdust.

  “Everything?” he asked.

  I nodded. “Everything. I’m due in two months, and I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m almost through my savings already. I should’ve been working over the summer, but I just…couldn’t. I didn’t know anyone up here except you, and by the time I knew people I was too pregnant to be able to do anything. Besides, I’d have to quit before I had the baby anyway, so there wasn’t a point.” I felt the tears start all over again, and tried to stop them. It seemed all I did was cry anymore. “God, I’m sick of crying. You have to be sick of it, too, I imagine.”

  Carter just shrugged. “It’s fine.” He leaned away from me, looking at me. “There’s something else, isn’t there?”

  I sighed. “It’s Christmas. I miss my sister. She’s the only family I really have, and I can’t just call her. I can’t spring this on her now. Not at Christmas.”

  “There’ll never be a good time,” he said, his voice quiet.

  He thought I should just bite the bullet and tell them, get it over with. He was right, but it was easy to say, and hard to do. I’d nearly called her once, had my phone in my hand. Ever’s number was on the screen, my finger on the “call” button. But I just couldn’t do it. I’d turned the phone off and buried it in my sock drawer.

  “I know,” I said. “I’m a coward. I don’t know how you can stand me.”

  Carter sighed, and when he spoke, irritation tinged his voice. “Eden. Being afraid to tell them this is perfectly understandable. It doesn’t make you a coward. It makes you human. And I’m just saying, the longer you wait, the harder it’ll get. She’s your family. She’ll understand.”

  I shook my head. “How could anyone understand what I did? I betrayed her in the worst possible way.”

  Carter hesitated a moment. “Look, I know it was his wife—your sister—that was in the coma, and I know he’d been through a lot, but…. This Cade guy has to bear at least some of the responsibility, doesn’t he? He made the choice just as much as you did. You can’t take all the blame yourself, Eden.”

  “I know, and I appreciate what you’re saying,” I said, pulling away from him. “But knowing Cade is partially responsible doesn’t make my part of the blame any easier to bear. It doesn’t change the fact that I’m about to have his baby, and that Ever will never have that choice.”

  Carter had no answer for that, because there was none to give. He stood up, turned to face me, and extended his hands to me. “Come on, we’re gonna be late.”

  I took his hands, and he pulled me up to my feet. “Late for what? Where are we going?”

  He traced his middle finger across my forehead, over my temple, and behind my ear, his touch gentle and tender and tempting. “Christmas lunch, of course.”

  “With who? You and me?”

  “You and me…and my brothers, and my mom and dad. A few other close family members. Nothing huge.”

  Ice flooded my veins. “Oh, hell no. Thanks for thinking of me, but no.”

  He frowned. “Oh, hell yes. You’re coming. There’s no way I’m letting you sit here alone on Christmas Eve. I already told Mom you were coming, so she’s expecting you. She set a place at the table and everything.”

  My hands shook. “Who did you say you were bringing? Your single, pregnant pity-friend?” Carter’s expression shuttered. I’d hurt him with that one.

  “I’m not your friend out of pity, Eden.” He turned away, scrubbing his hands through his hair, which he’d taken the time to actually comb and style. “I’d hoped you thought more of me than that.”

  I moved closer to him, resisting the urge to smooth his hair down. “I’m sorry, Carter. I just—I’m not—”

  “We’re not having the what-we-aren’t conversation right now. I can’t deal with it. Just tell me if you’re coming or not.”

  “You really want me at your family’s house for Christmas? Won’t that be…awkward?”

  He pivoted to look at me. “Yes, Eden. I wouldn’t have invited you if I didn’t want you there. And, no, it won’t be awkward. Kirk’s bringing his fiancée, and my half-sister will be there with her boyfriend. So you won’t be the only non-family member.”

  “Half-sister?” He’d never mentioned
a half-sister.

  “Yeah. My mom was married before she met my dad, and she had a kid. Lucy lives in San Antonio, so I don’t see her much, but she comes up for the holidays. She’s cool. She’s two years older than Max.”

  “Did you tell them I was pregnant? I mean, how are we going to explain it?”

  “We don’t have to explain anything to anyone. It’s your business. You aren’t the first unwed pregnant woman in history, you know.” He gave me a reassuring smile. “It’ll be fine. No one’s going to judge you.”

  Yes, they would, if they knew. But like he’d said, they didn’t have to know any details. I was tempted to go. I really didn’t want to be here alone. But…it would be awkward. They’d be wondering if we were together, and how that worked if I was pregnant with not his baby.

  “Come with me, Eden. No one should have to spend Christmas alone.”

  “Okay. Okay. I’ll go.” I tried to lighten the mood. “I don’t have any ugly sweaters, though.”

  “It’s fine, the Ugly Christmas Sweater competition is more between the guys anyway.”

  “It’s a competition?” I asked.

  He grinned. “Oh, yeah. Every year my brothers, my dad, and I try to find the ugliest sweater possible, and the girls vote on whose is the ugliest. We all pitch in on a bottle of Oban, and the winner gets the bottle. I’ve won the past three years in a row.”

  I laughed. “You must have a lot of ugly sweaters, then.”

  He snorted. “You have no idea. I’ve got, like, four huge storage bins full of them. It’s kind of a problem, actually, ’cause there’s not much you can do with a collection of ugly Christmas sweaters. You can’t wear them again, because every year you have to have a new one to compete with, but how do you get rid of it? Just throw it away?”

  I nodded, keeping my expression serious. “That is a problem. Whatever are you gonna do?”

  He gave me a fake glare. “You’re mocking me, aren’t you?”

  I held my fingers an inch apart. “Just a bit.”

  “Not nice.” He tugged me toward the door. “Now, let’s go. They’ll eat without us, and then there won’t be any of Mom’s sweet potato pie left. And I can’t miss out on that—it’s my favorite part of Christmas lunch.”

  I laughed at him. “You’re funny. Okay, let me just change real quick. I can’t wear this to meet your family.”

  I was in my preggo uniform: yoga pants, a tank top, and a zip-up hoodie. It was comfortable, and the tank top/hoodie combo let me adjust to the hot and cold flashes that hit me without warning. It was a far cry from flattering, however.

  “Why do you have to change?” He looked me up and down. “You look fine. It’s just family hanging out. Dad will probably be in sweats, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen Lucy wear anything but pants just like the ones you’re wearing.”

  “Carter. I’ve worn these clothes for two days straight, for one thing. And you just don’t do that. You don’t meet someone’s family for the first time wearing this.” I gestured at my outfit. “I’ll be quick, I promise. Give me five minutes.”

  “Hurry.”

  I tore through my closet, hunting for something remotely acceptable that would still fit. What did you wear to something like this? I’d never dated anyone seriously enough to meet his family, especially not for Christmas. Except I wasn’t dating Carter, so it didn’t count. But I was still meeting his family.

  I couldn’t find anything, and started to feel as if I was going to hyperventilate. I rifled through the closet again, and finally found a stretchy cotton skirt, plain black and calf-length. It was nice, but comfortable, and it would stretch to fit under my watermelon-sized belly. I had a fairly nice gray T-shirt that would work, and a plum-colored cardigan. I threw the clothes on, slipped my bare feet into my Toms, which were my new favorite footwear. Easy on and easy off, comfortable, and went with everything.

  My hair was tangled and felt like straw, but I didn’t have time do anything with it, and I certainly didn’t have time for makeup. So I tossed a brush and ponytail holder in my purse, and met Carter at the door in less than five minutes.

  He grinned at me. “Now, that’s a quick change. You look amazing, Eden. For real.”

  I shook my head at him. “Amazingly huge, but thanks.” Putting on fifty pounds of pregnancy weight was wreaking havoc on my already fragile self-esteem. I donned my oversize winter parka, which wouldn’t zipper all the way, but was the only winter coat I owned.

  Carter closed my front door behind us, and then moved ahead to open the passenger door of his truck for me, handing me up. I was pretty sure I’d never actually opened a door on my own if Carter was with me. He was the most downright chivalrous man I’d ever known, and it was playing merry hell on my ability to remember that we’d never be anything but friends, no matter how gorgeous or gentlemanly he was.

  The radio played traditional Christmas songs, and I found myself singing along to them under my breath, humming when I didn’t know the words. Carter watched me out of the corner of his eye as he drove, a small smile gracing his lips.

  I cocked an eyebrow at him. “What?”

  He shook his head and shrugged. “Nothing.”

  “You’re smirking.”

  “I do not smirk.”

  “You were, too. You were smirking at me.”

  He chuckled. “It wasn’t meant to be a smirk, how about that?”

  “What was it about?” I asked.

  “Nothing. Just…you look so beautiful, sitting there with the snow behind you, singing along to Christmas music. You have a pretty voice.”

  I felt myself blushing. “Thanks. I don’t really sing much. But I love all these old songs. They make me think of my mom. She had a terrible voice, but she would crank the radio and sing along, and singing while she cooked just made her so happy that none of us cared how bad she sounded.”

  “You don’t talk about your mom much,” he said. It was a tactful way of encouraging me to talk about her if I wanted, but gave me an out if I didn’t.

  “She was amazing. I don’t know what else to say. She loved the cello—she was so passionate about playing. And painting, too. But that was more for her own enjoyment. She never sold any of her paintings, but she could’ve. She was beautiful, and always took time to make Ever and me feel special. That’s hard, with twins. She never treated us like the same person, which so many people do.”

  “She died?” Carter asked.

  I nodded. “Yeah. Car accident, when I was twelve.”

  “Are you close to your dad?” Carter swung the truck off Center Road and onto a side street heading toward the East Arm of the bay—on the opposite side of the peninsula from my cabin, and several miles south.

  “No.” I bit out the word. “He fell apart after Mom died. I haven’t seen him in…god, almost two years. I saw him a few weeks after Ever’s accident, but he just couldn’t handle it. Some people just don’t handle grief well, I guess. He shut us both out, spent all his time at work. He paid for college and gave us both money to live on, and he paid for Ever’s medical bills, but…we never wanted his money. We wanted him.”

  “He doesn’t know you’re here?”

  “No one does.” I stared out the window at the snow, watching the thick, fat flakes drift down lazily.

  “Are you gonna tell him?”

  I shook my head. “No. Dad’s not part of my life, and he hasn’t been since Mom died. I don’t even think about him anymore.”

  Carter shook his head, whether in disbelief or sadness, I wasn’t sure. “You’re amazingly strong, Eden. You’ve gone through this all alone.”

  I ran my thumb along the seam of the leather seat. “I’m anything but strong. I was lucky that I had enough money saved to be able to stay up here without working. I was lucky to have the cabin to go to. But I’m a mess. I’m terrified. And…I don’t—I don’t know how to be a mother. I’m giving birth to this baby in two months. Two months. And I don’t know how to…what to do. I feel her kicking some
times, at night when I’m trying to sleep usually, and I don’t feel—I don’t know…connected. Like, I’m carrying this baby, but I can’t fathom being a mother. A person depending on me for everything. Calling me Mommy.” I choked. “That’s not me, Carter. I didn’t want this. And I feel terrible about it because sometimes—sometimes I resent it, the baby, I mean, for messing up everything. If I hadn’t gotten pregnant, things would’ve been tricky, but not impossible like they are now.”

  Carter took the wheel with his left hand and threaded the fingers of his right hand through mine. “You’ll figure it out. One day at a time, okay? And you’re not going through it alone. I’ll be there.”

  “What would I do without you, Carter? You’ve literally saved my life. I can’t even begin to thank you for everything you’ve done.”

  He squeezed my hand and smiled at me, but said nothing. I forced away the doubts and the thoughts and the fears, trying to bring myself to a more positive frame of mind. I couldn’t go into his parents’ house a hot mess like this.

  A couple turns, and then we were on a dirt road running parallel to the bay, the water rippling steel-blue through a bank of trees. He pulled up to a beautiful, rambling ranch. It sat high on a hill overlooking the bay, a rolling hill falling down to the waterline, with a long dock stretching into the lake.

  “It’s amazing,” I said.

  “It sure is.” He slid out of the truck and opened my door, not letting go of my hand when I hit the ground. He touched my chin, and I looked up at him. It would be all too easy to lose myself in his blue eyes, but I couldn’t. “Just be you, okay? Have fun. Don’t worry about anything. And if you’re ready to go home, just let me know and I’ll take you, okay?”

  I nodded, and had to rip my gaze from his before tempting thoughts flooded my mind. “Thanks for bringing me here, Carter.”

  He pulled me in for a hug. “Don’t worry about it. No one should be alone on Christmas, especially not you.”

  I had to push away all too soon. He smelled too good, felt too good. Too comforting, too familiar. “Let’s go in before I lose my nerve.”