Show Me Something (Something Series Book 5)

by Aubrey Bondurant

  Once again, his compliment floored me.

  “I didn’t mind. It simply took me off guard, and thank you. Sometimes I wonder if it will be enough for him, just a mom and not a father. I know, I know: I’m voicing another insecurity, so I’ll shut up.”

  He took both my hands and pulled me onto the sofa and into his lap.

  “I think it’s a real fear of every parent to wonder if they are doing enough. I imagine that since you’re a single mom doing it all, your fear is double. For that insecurity, you get a pass. I don’t think any parent out there would ever be completely confident about everything. Hell, even Josh, who isn’t normally a worrier, can turn into basket case when it comes to little Abby.”

  “I’m glad I’m not the only one, then. So, I think he’s out,” I hinted taking a glance at the monitor one last time.

  Just like that, he was on me.

  “Should we move to the bedroom?”

  His hands found their way under my sweatshirt and were quickly unfastening my bra. “What if we turned on a light this time?”

  I shook my head. “I’m just— I’m not ready. Although if you want to take off your shirt here, I wouldn’t mind seeing you in the light.”

  He leaned back, a smirk on his face. “Tell you what. How about if you show me something, then I’ll show you something? I’ll take off my shirt, and you take off yours.”

  I contemplated. “How about your shirt for my pants?” At least my sweatshirt would cover my stomach and chest until we were in the dark.

  “I’ll agree, for now. But you’re going to have to give it up sometime. You’re too beautiful to keep hiding.”

  I was about to scoff but stopped, realizing he was waiting for me to do just that.

  “Progress. I’m glad you didn’t say out loud what you were thinking. Okay, off with your pants, woman.”

  I giggled while he made short work out of stripping off my leggings.

  “And now it’s your turn.” I was eager to see him but sighed when his undressing revealed he still had on a T-shirt underneath. “Everything off.”

  He shook his head. “You still have panties on, so it’s only fair.”

  At least the tight white T-shirt showcased his muscled biceps and strong forearms.

  “Uh, you’re staring.”

  Of course I was. He was built, with broad shoulders and defined arms. And that was with the T-shirt on. “Mark, you’re really hot.”

  He blushed ten shades of red, but managed an adorable smile which brought out seldom-seen dimples. God, I was a sucker for dimples.

  “I’m glad you like what you see. Now, let me see those delectable legs of yours.”

  I giggled while I was placed on the sofa.

  He ran his hands up and down my calves and then onto my thighs, and then his face was in my—

  “Whoa there, that wasn’t part of the deal.” I was half dizzy with need, almost paralyzed with lust, but fear was the overriding emotion. I was not ready for him to be up and personal with my business in the full light.

  “All right. Into the dark.”

  He lifted me up and took me into the bedroom, once again shutting the blinds. After that, he thoughtfully went back out for the monitor. “I’m facing this away from us, but we can still hear him. Okay?”

  Insecurity instantly hit me when he climbed into the bed alongside me. “You don’t think it’s wrong to, you know, have you over here to have sex with him sleeping in the other room?”

  “How do you think siblings are conceived? I get that it’s different with me not being his father, but it’s not as though you have a parade of men coming through here. Or did I miss something?” He sat up, pretending to look around.

  I giggled, grateful he understood enough about the guilt of single motherhood and sex to make it lighthearted. “No, you didn’t. And I need to stop worrying about stuff like that.”

  “Yes, you do. But I think it’s only natural. Now, where was I?” He traveled south once again, intent on his target.

  Oh, no, I couldn’t. “I can’t. I just— I don’t think you’ll enjoy it. I mean you don’t have to—” My eyes were still adjusting to the dark, but I felt the frustration rolling off him by the sudden tenseness in his muscles.

  “I wouldn’t do it unless I wanted to. I need to taste you, Jules.”

  How could I say no? But my insecurities were stronger than my lust. “It’s just that, maybe some other time. I think something may be wrong with me down there where it makes it unappealing.”

  “Is that what your ex told you?” His voice was low, exasperation evident in his tone.

  I swallowed hard, trying my best not to break down in tears. I was broken, insecure, and completely insane to have thought I was ready for a physical relationship. And I was a big ole chicken who wasn’t ready to deal with these emotions in front of someone. “Maybe you should go.”

  He hesitated. “I’m only trying to understand, not pressure you.”

  “I believe you, but I think maybe this was a mistake.” The words tasted bitter on my tongue.

  He sighed, but then got up and walked out without another word.

  Once I heard the front door close, my tears started falling, fast and furious. Next came the sobbing. It had been years since I’d let my emotions overwhelm me, but this seemed to be my breaking point. I buried my head in my pillow, stifling the noise and thinking what an idiot I was. I was letting my toxic relationship with my soon-to-be ex ruin any chance I might have with a good man. Or maybe it was self-sabotage. I was ensuring I ended something I didn’t think I deserved. There I went again with the biggest turn off: self-doubt. The idea instigated another round of sobs.

  I didn’t notice Mark come back in until a hand stroked my hair. I sat up, startled until I saw who it was.

  The light pouring in from the living room showed his tight grimace.

  “I’m sorry,” I managed to blubber and watched his face soften.

  “Jules, baby, please don’t cry or apologize. I’m the one who needs to say I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed.”

  “You weren’t. You were only trying to understand. But you shouldn’t have to deal with anyone who has all my issues.”

  “We all have issues. Now come here and stop talking.” He gathered me up and snuggled me into the middle of the bed with my head propped on his hard chest until my tears subsided.

  Finally, in the quiet, he spoke. “You know you can tell me anything. I want to be here for you.”

  I swallowed hard. “I have no idea where to start.”

  “How about with how you and Tristan’s father met?”

  I hesitated, but then realized this was a man who’d already witnessed my humiliation on numerous occasions and had never judged. “We met sophomore year in high school and dated until graduation. Got married at nineteen.”

  “What was it like back then? Were you happy?”

  It’s funny how those memories got harder to recall. “Yeah, we were. We were young, but we were becoming adults together. I started working at Singer Advertising, put Rob through college, and then afterwards he started with the police department.”

  “When did it change?”

  “About five years into the job, when he injured his back during a training exercise. It was as though a switch flipped. Over the next year he became depressed, moody, and was taking way too many painkillers. We’d planned to start having kids, but it wasn’t happening, probably because we weren’t exactly having a lot of sex by then. But when he got a little drunk at a holiday party, that night I got pregnant.”

  Mark’s hand rubbed my back, which encouraged me to keep opening up to him. “Was he happy about it?”

  I didn’t mince words. “Not at all. My joy about finally becoming pregnant only threw him deeper into this nasty mood. I’d hoped he’d come around after the ultrasound photo, but he didn’t. Then he made up excuses not to go to any appointments. At that point, I pleaded with him to go for counseling, but he refused. He would no long
er touch me. At all. I’d gained over fifty pounds with my pregnancy, which was too much—I mean, even the doctors said so. I think I turned to food while my marriage went to crap. Anyhow, he constantly made comments.”

  “What kind of comments?”

  “Does it matter?” I felt his arms tighten around me, which eased my vulnerability.

  “It does to me.”

  I’d never voiced my humiliation to another soul. “He would follow me around the house oinking at me. Call me fat, criticize every bit of food I put in my mouth, and say he was embarrassed to be seen with me in public.”

  My confession made the tension practically radiate from him.

  “Don’t get upset on my behalf. The truth is I put up with it longer than I should have.”

  “And after Tristan was born?”

  “Although I lost forty of the fifty pounds, he told me that my body was stretched out and repulsive. I initiated sex one time, and he said he was no longer attracted to me. As for going down on me, he said after a baby came out of there, well, he wanted nothing to do with that particular act.”

  “Jesus.”

  “He wouldn’t hold Tristan, either. He’d say a newborn was too fragile or he was too nervous, but the truth was he didn’t want to. Not even as Tristan got older. Instead, Rob was convinced I’d chosen the baby over him. He accused me of loving Tristan more than him.”

  “He was jealous of his own baby son?”

  “All the time. After realizing it wasn’t getting better, I told him I couldn’t live that way anymore. Then he went out one night and didn’t come home. But the next day he’s all apologies. Tells me he’ll start going to individual counseling. Says he’s committed to working on things. That it’s him and his injury, not me, blah, blah.”

  “What happened?”

  “My guess is he met the girlfriend. At that point, he still wouldn’t touch me, but he said he didn’t want to lose me, either. More like he didn’t want to lose my paycheck and have to pony up child support if we split.”

  “Did things change?”

  “No. He continued to make digs, but I’d gotten so used to the ‘new normal’ I hardly noticed anymore. My self-esteem was in shreds. Looking back, I’m grateful we didn’t sleep together if he was having sex with someone else. We were in that place for eighteen months. He’d be mean to me, I’d love him a little less, and then he’d beg me to give him another chance. It was an unhealthy cycle, getting worse by the day, but I didn’t recognize it at the time. In addition to being sleep deprived, overwhelmed with a baby, and working full time, I guess I couldn’t believe the man I’d fallen in love with at sixteen could change so drastically. I talked myself into believing it was the pills or the pain he was in. That it was a phase I kept hoping would end.”

  “He was verbally abusive to you.”

  I expelled a shaky breath. “I understand that now. But at the time, I truly thought if I could lose the baby weight, do more around the house, make him happy, he’d change back into the man I’d married.”

  “That wasn’t on you. No matter what else you believe, I hope you know this was his problem. Not yours.”

  I nodded, getting there slowly but surely.

  “What was the breaking point?”

  I recalled the day with a shiver. “When I walked in on him screaming at Tristan. I was in the shower when Tristan started calling out for me. Rob was in such a rage that he’d been woken up. I knew in that moment I was done. How could I possibly stay married to a man who would flip his switch on a baby? I couldn’t even trust him around our child.”

  I realized Mark was clenching his fists.

  “Later that day, I unloaded on Brian what had happened, telling him I thought Rob was cheating on me and abusing prescription drugs. Brian encouraged me to go down and visit my sister in Florida. While I was there, he helped me hire a private investigator since I was looking for leverage to ensure I get full custody. A few weeks later, I filed for separation, and my PI turned over evidence to the police internal affairs about Rob’s suspected drug use. What I hadn’t guessed was that the internal affairs investigation would reveal Rob had also become a dirty cop. Here I’d thought the biggest issue was our divorce and his prescription drug habit. It turned out it was so much bigger. Much more serious.”

  I stayed quiet until Mark finally spoke. “Thank you for sharing all of that with me.”

  “Thank you for listening.” Then because I couldn’t help it, I added, “I’m not proud of who I became during my marriage or that I put it up with it for so long. I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to run far, far away.”

  He cupped my face and kissed me softly. “Not happening.”

  I shook my head, hardly believing that after everything I’d told him he was still here holding me. “Maybe it’s you who’s crazy, then.”

  “Who says crazy is a bad thing? We both have baggage.”

  “I don’t know. You seem pretty close to perfect.”

  “I think everyone develops a way of hiding their pain. I’ve had a lot longer than you to get better at it.”

  “Sounds like it’s your turn to spill it.”

  “Someday. But not tonight. I think we’ve reached our quota for the heavy stuff.”

  Although I was genuinely curious about his past, I knew it was very different from mine. Tragically losing someone you love when on the brink of starting a life together was nothing like putting up with a marriage turned bad. I wasn’t sure how to reconcile that difference.

  In an effort to change the mood to happier things, I burrowed my face in the crook of his neck. Realizing I had free license to act upon my naughty thoughts, I sucked lightly there and then kissed his delicious skin.

  He breathed in sharply. “Jules, you know I’d never hurt you, right?”

  I cupped his face and slipped off his glasses. The hall light pouring in gave me my first good look at him without them. In his eyes was the undeniable truth of his words.

  “I want to believe you.”

  CHAPTER NINE

  Mark was gone again when I woke up. He’d made love to me twice last night, proving definitively that he was a man unafraid to show his emotions through physical touch. Most importantly though, he hadn’t pushed beyond my limitation of still needing the lights off.

  And as after our first night together, he left mystery bags on my kitchen counter. I marveled at the fact that he’d not only gotten up early enough to leave before dawn, but had also come back to leave his thoughtful purchases. Intrigued, I moved first to the coffee cup and smiled at the Post-it: “Drink me. I know you’re tired.”

  Item number two was a brown bag with bagels and cream cheese. Also included were two containers of fresh fruit. I knew he’d gotten them mainly for Tristan, which made the gesture even sweeter. “Enjoy your breakfast” is what the note said.

  Finally the third item was a rosebud and “You’re beautiful.”

  Sex without strings just became a whole lot stringy-er, and I didn’t mind one bit.

  I lifted the flower to my nose and inhaled deeply. Maybe this was karma’s way of giving me a good man this time around. The problem was the doubts which immediately followed. I wondered what in the world had him settling for a single mom with a mere high school education and stretch marks.

  Taking a deep breath, I tried to shut up my inner critic. Pesky bitch was determined to bring me down. Damn, another dollar in the swear jar. Shit. Two more. Crap. Now three. Wait, internal cursing didn’t count. Whew.

  I texted him quickly.

  “You’re amazing and I don’t mean just in bed.”

  I regretted the message the minute I sent it, overthinking my attempt at being funny, but then I shrugged. Hell, Mark had already been exposed to my madness in all its glory. If I couldn’t be myself with him, of all people, then who could I be real with?

  His response made me smile. “I look forward to expanding upon that compliment tonight.”

  His nerdy reply had me grinning.


  ***

  Later that night, as I stirred the chili I’d made in the Crockpot, I waited for the knock on the door. I’d traded in my usual sweats for skinny jeans and had put on a cute top instead of a hoodie. And maybe I’d done more than merely swipe my lips with Chap Stick and put up my hair in a ponytail. I wanted to look somewhat pretty for Mark.

  But instead of the knock, my phone buzzed with his number. “Hi, there. You running late?” I asked.

  His audible sigh answered my question before his words did. “I wish. Instead, I’m stuck down in New York and heading with Josh to LA tomorrow morning.”

  “Oh.” Even in the one word, I was unable to hide my disappointment.

  “Sorry, Jules.”

  “No, don’t be. I mean I am, too, but it’s work, and I understand.” I did. However, I was still wishing he was here. But he had an important job.

  “Most likely I won’t be back until late Friday. We could do something then.”

  “Actually, Brian called. He and Sasha will be in town for the weekend starting on Friday.”

  “Good grief. Don’t tell me it’s another party or charity event? I swear, it’s something every weekend these days.”

  “Um, it’s my thirtieth birthday, so everyone is taking me out on Saturday night. I told them they didn’t have to, especially since they were up just last weekend for Catherine’s party. But they were insistent.”

  It was true. I hadn’t wanted the fuss, but Brian and Sasha wouldn’t take no for an answer. Truth be told, I was happy to have a reason to celebrate. But evidently Mark wasn’t so keen on these social gatherings.

  In response, I heard a loud clunk on the other side of the line.

  “Are you there? What was that noise?”

  “That was the sound of me beating my phone against my head as I cringe. I didn’t mean to be a complete asshole about your birthday celebration.”

  I laughed. “It’s not as though you knew. And I have to admit this crowd does seem to have a lot of parties and functions going on.”

  “I shouldn’t complain. It gets me out of the house. Is Saturday your party?”

  “It’s not so much a party as they’re taking me out for dinner. I think Haylee mentioned she was going to ask if you wanted to come.”