Going Deep (Imperfect Love Book 2)

by Nikki Ash

  “Look at the bright side, when we have kids, I can be a stay-at-home dad.” He winks flirtatiously, and my stomach does some weird flip-flop thing at the thought of having kids with Killian, and then it sinks like a body in a lake being tied down by a heavy stone. My breaths turn labored, and then Killian’s eyes land on me.

  “Shit, Giselle. I’m sorry!” Killian realizes his slip. “It was meant as a joke. Fuck. It just came out.”

  “It’s okay,” I say, trying to calm my breathing. “But maybe that slip…” He’s already healing, while I’m still broken. Soon I’ll be lonely once again.

  “No, don’t you dare go there. I told you I’m okay with us not having kids, and I meant it.” He scrubs his face in frustration. I know he feels bad for what he said, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t mean it. “I really am sorry,” he says again.

  “It’s okay,” I promise him, my tone betraying my words.

  We arrive at The Ritz Carlton, where Killian has booked us the penthouse suite, even though I told him any old hotel will do. He said it’s near his parents, which prevented me from continuing the argument. After we check in, he suggests we hang out and order lunch in, since he’ll be leaving in a few hours to meet Melanie. When he originally made the plans with her, he asked if I would like to go. I told him I appreciated him wanting to include me but felt this is something he needs to do on his own. I’ll be here when he gets back.

  After we eat lunch, we settle on the couch. I wait for Killian to grab the remote, but he surprises me when he instead pulls out Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and insists on reading the next chapter to me. I’m shocked to learn he’s already on chapter eleven: Who Stole the Tarts? Less than ten minutes into him reading, though, my eyes slowly shut, and I pass out in Killian’s arms, dreaming of hearts instead of tarts being stolen.

  Twenty-Five

  Killian

  I arrive at the restaurant Melanie suggested and let the hostess know there’ll be two people. It’s a small hole-in-the-wall place that if it wasn’t for how good it smells, I’d be a bit concerned. I’m sitting on the bench when Melanie walks in. She looks the same as she did twelve years ago, only a bit older. Her blond hair is a tad lighter and instead of her glasses, she must be wearing contacts. Her body has transformed from a teenager to a woman. She smiles shyly at me, and I pull her into a friendly hug.

  “Killian,” she murmurs into my ear, her voice thick with emotion. “I never thought I would see you again.” She pulls back, her eyes filled with unshed tears.

  “You mean you don’t watch football?” I joke, and she laughs. The tears spill over and she quickly wipes them away.

  “My husband does,” she says with a soft smile.

  The hostess comes over and lets us know our table is ready. We sit and each order a Coke.

  “So, you’re married?” I ask, not sure how to start a conversation I requested to have.

  “I am. His name is Brian. We’ll be married for six years in August…” She looks like she’s about to say more, so I don’t say anything. And then she adds, “And we have two daughters: Brenda and Bridgette.”

  “How old?” I ask, unsure of what else to say.

  “They’re actually twins.” She laughs softly. “They just turned three.”

  “I’m happy for you, Mel,” I tell her truthfully, because I am. Regardless of what happened, I’m glad she’s found happiness.

  The waiter delivers our drinks and we place our food order. Based on the menu, this place is known for their seafood, so I order the Salmon and Melanie orders a Mahi sandwich.

  “Killian, I need to apologize to you,” Melanie says once the waiter leaves.

  “I’m the one who should be apologizing to you,” I argue.

  “Just let me go first, please,” she requests, so I do. “When I found out I was pregnant, I was scared and I went to you in hopes of you comforting me, but I didn’t even give you a chance. I had known I was pregnant for weeks. I had time to process and scream and cry and curse the world and everything else. I didn’t even give you ten minutes to process.”

  A loud sob escapes her, and she covers her face with shaking hands. I’m not sure if I should comfort her or wait for her to speak again. I’m so far out of my comfort zone here. Grabbing a napkin, I hand it to her so she can wipe her face.

  “Thank you.” She smiles sadly. “I was a teenager and scared, and I should’ve given you more time, but instead I ran and had an abortion, and for that I am truly sorry.” Her lips tremble as she cries. “Every day I have regretted my decision. I often wonder if it would’ve been a boy or a girl. If she would’ve had my eyes or if he would’ve been an athlete like you.”

  A flood of new tears gush down her ashen cheeks. “Every day that I look at my beautiful daughters, I ask God to forgive me for not giving our baby a chance in this world. I’m…” She chokes on a sob. “I’m so sorry.” My heart aches over her words. She doesn’t blame me. She’s given me an out, but I don’t want one.

  “I shouldn’t have pushed you away, Mel,” I tell her. “I should’ve pulled you into my dorm and told you it would all be okay. Had I not pushed you away our baby would be here with us.”

  She shakes her head. “No, you did what anyone would do. You reacted out of shock. We were both so young. Just babies ourselves. I struggle every day with being thankful for my life because had I had our baby, I wouldn’t have my two beautiful daughters.” More tears race down her face. “I just hate myself for…” Killing our baby. She wants to say it, but she can’t even get the words out.

  “I know,” I tell her, giving her an out. I don’t need to hear the words. I’ve felt them every day for the last decade. While I’ve been being eaten up by guilt all these years, I can’t even possibly fathom what this woman has been feeling, knowing she’s the one who ultimately had to make that decision. It wasn’t my body the baby was in. I didn’t have a choice in the matter. I want to be mad at her for not choosing to keep our baby. I want to be mad at myself for not reacting the right way quicker. But she’s right. We were just babies, and we both made decisions we have to live with. I thought coming here, I would tell her that the last ten years I haven’t had sex so I could never put myself in that position again, that I wanted our baby and would’ve loved him or her, but I decide against it. She already feels guilty. She doesn’t need more weight added to her load.

  So, instead I say the only thing that’s left to say, “I forgive you, Melanie, and I hope you can forgive me too.”

  Fresh tears escape her lids. “Thank you, Killian.” She sniffles loudly. “And just so you know, I forgave you a long time ago.”

  I stand and give her a hug. “Don’t ever feel bad for the beautiful family you have,” I whisper. “One choice shouldn’t dictate the rest of your life. You deserve to be happy.”

  I sit back down, and a few minutes later, our food is brought out. We eat, mostly in silence. When the waiter brings me the bill, I pay and walk Melanie out.

  “Thank you for asking to meet up,” she says when we get to her car. “I didn’t realize how much I needed your forgiveness.”

  “Probably as much as I needed yours.” I give her one last hug. “Have a good life, Mel.”

  “You too, Kill.”

  As I get in my car and think about everything we discussed, my mind goes to what Melanie said about struggling to be thankful for her family, knowing they came at the cost of our baby. It’s time for both of us to move forward. We can’t change what happened, and while I would give anything to have a chance to raise our baby, my mind goes to Giselle, and I have to wonder if maybe everything happens for a reason. If Giselle is my reason. When I wouldn’t let any other woman into my heart or bed, I let her in. I didn’t even ask if she was on birth control when we finally had sex. It just felt right with her. It’s because she’s the one. Even if she sticks with her decision to never want children, I know she’s the woman I want to spend my life with. Just simply being with her is enough for me.

&nbs
p; Instead of going back to the hotel, I take a detour into the city. There’s somewhere I need to stop first. When I get back to the hotel, Giselle is sleeping. Only this time she’s lying in bed with her laptop still open, which tells me she woke up and later fell back asleep. My poor woman is working herself to death. I’m not sure how much longer she can keep going like this.

  When I move the laptop from the bed to set it on the nightstand, it comes to life. On the screen are online classified ads. She was looking for another job. To the left of the website is a digital notepad with a list of the jobs she’s found so far: maid services at a couple different hotels, a nighttime cleaning position for a law office. I scroll farther and see a few waitress positions at a few different diners. My eyes flit to Giselle, who is snuggled up in her blanket. She’s dealing with this because of me. I know she wants to take on the world alone, but she can’t do it all. And if it wasn’t for her loving me, she wouldn’t have to deal with this.

  I’m sure she’s going to give me shit for this later, but I’ll deal with it when the time comes. Taking her laptop out to the main room, I search for her usernames and passwords. Once I find them, I forward them to my email then delete it in her sent mail. I close her laptop and set it on the counter. Then I pull up the email on my phone and get to work.

  I’m just finishing up when I hear Giselle’s feet padding out of the room. “You’re back.” She stops in front of the couch I’m sitting on and gives me a concerned smile.

  “I am. I didn’t want to wake you.” I open my arms and she fills the void. Her arms wrap around my torso and her head lands on my chest. I inhale her sweet scent.

  “I prefer waking up next to you,” she murmurs.

  “How would you feel about waking up next to me for the rest of your life?” I ask, and Giselle stills. Then she sits up, and I immediately want her back against me.

  “Killian…” She stares at me as I sit up and reach into my pocket. I pull out the ring box and get down on one knee. I hadn’t planned on proposing tonight, but it feels like it’s the right time.

  Giselle’s hands cover her mouth. “Killian…” she says again.

  “I know some would say what’s happening between us, this relationship, is probably moving too fast.” She nods slowly, and I laugh. “As you know, I’m a wide receiver. My job is to catch the ball.” She laughs out loud, calming my nerves. “There’s a phrase in football. Going Deep. Have you ever heard of it?”

  She shakes her head no.

  “It’s when you run down the field for a long pass. You’re serious. Committed. Unstoppable. I’m in this deep with you, Giselle. I’m serious. Committed. There’s no stopping what I feel for you. I’m running down the field to catch the ball. I just need you to throw it.”

  I open the ring box and pluck the engagement ring from the felt that’s holding it in place. After leaving Melanie, I went to a few jewelers in the area my mom recommended. After the third one, I found the ring I knew was meant for Giselle. A three carat halo cut diamond on a simple platinum band.

  “Will you throw the ball to me, baby?” I ask her, holding the ring up for her to see.

  Tears leak from her eyes. I’m not sure if they’re happy or sad tears. And then she says in a voice so quiet I can barely hear her, “You’re healed.”

  “What?” I ask. I heard what she said, but I’m unsure what she means.

  “Be broken and lonely with me.” She repeats the words I said to her before. “You’re no longer broken.” She swipes a falling tear. “But Killian, I still am.”

  It takes me a second, but when I piece together what she’s saying, it all clicks. She thinks by me meeting with Melanie, I’ve been healed.

  “Giselle…” I set the box down on the table and take her hands in mine. “Yes, meeting with Melanie helped me find closure, but she didn’t fix me. I’m still broken, baby, but I’m no longer lonely. Since the day you stepped into that limo, I haven’t felt lonely. Nobody is perfect, Giselle. We’re all broken, filled with imperfections, scars from the wounds life has inflicted on us. Being with you has shown me that it’s not about trying to fix the broken, but finding the person you can be broken with. Be broken with me, baby. I can’t play in this game alone. My arms and heart are open. The ball is in your hands. Will you throw it to me?”

  Tears fall harder down her beautiful face as she begins to nod, slowly at first then quicker. Finally, she speaks. “Okay…Yes! I’ll throw the ball to you. I mean, I have no clue how to throw a damn ball, but you’ve won a Super Bowl, so surely you can catch just about any pass I throw, right?”

  I laugh loudly, loving that my woman just went along with my football analogy. Standing, I take her hand in mine and slide the ring onto her finger. I wasn’t sure her size, so I called Olivia and she was spot on. Giselle eyes the ring for a second before she throws her arms around me and kisses me hard.

  “Let’s get married now,” I suggest, shocking the hell out of both of us.

  “Now?” she squeaks.

  “Yeah, we can meet with my parents for breakfast and then take off somewhere to get married. Just the two of us. I don’t want to wait. I want you to be my wife.”

  “Okay,” she agrees, excitedly. “Let’s do this!”

  * * *

  We’re lying in bed after celebrating our engagement for the second time tonight—with me balls-deep in my gorgeous fiancée. Giselle is drawing letters and pictures across my torso and chest with her sexy thigh draped over the top of my legs and her head in the crook of my shoulder. We haven’t discussed my dinner with Melanie yet, but we need to. I need to. I don’t want to ruin the moment, but Giselle assumed by my meeting with Melanie everything is now perfect when in fact it’s not.

  “Melanie’s married with twin daughters,” I say, and Giselle’s finger stills. “She apologized for having the abortion.”

  “I’m glad you two finally talked. It was long overdue,” she murmurs.

  “She felt the same way. She lives with a lot of guilt over the decision she made, and she said she doesn’t blame me.”

  Giselle sighs softly. “I can’t imagine having an abortion at any age is an easy thing to do, but as a teenager…it must’ve been absolutely traumatizing.”

  “Yeah,” I agree. “She told me she should’ve given me more time to process…”

  “If she would’ve, the baby would be here,” Giselle states.

  “Maybe…but we can’t look at it like that. What’s done is done. She’s happily married with her two daughters, and I’m about to marry you. Everything is the way it should be.”

  Giselle nods into my chest. “I love you, Kill. If it meant you’d get to raise the baby you never had the chance to raise, I would give you up, but since that’s not possible, I’m really glad all the situations out of our control lined up and gave me you.”

  Twenty-Six

  Giselle

  “You seriously got married without me?” Olivia yells into the phone. Killian is lying next to me under our umbrella by the pool. We’re currently enjoying the sunshine as husband and wife at the Cozumel Palace in Mexico, where just a few short hours ago we said our ‘I do’s’ in a tiny church with a priest, who barely spoke English, and two witnesses, who work for the church and didn’t say anything but grinned with twinkles in their eyes. I’m not exactly sure all of what the priest said, but I know what Killian said:

  “I, Killian Blake, promise to be your best friend, your lover, your protector, your partner. I will cherish you and love you and do everything in my power to make sure you’re happy and never feel lonely. I promise to be broken with you every day for the rest of our lives.”

  It was in that moment it really hit me. I was marrying Killian, and everything he was promising to do, he had already been doing since the day I let him in. I might be broken, but every day spent with Killian has been far from lonely. I feel loved, cherished, and if I’m honest, a little less damaged when I’m with him. He loves and embraces every part of me: the good, the bad, and the
ugly.

  “Giselle!” Olivia shouts into phone, reminding me she’s still on the phone, pissed off because like the chicken shit I am, I texted Olivia a picture of our wedding rings instead of calling her.

  “I’m here, sorry…I was…”

  “In newly-wed bliss?” she screeches. “When Killian asked for your ring size, I knew he was going to propose, but nowhere in our conversation did he mention eloping.” Her tone has gone from mad to hurt.

  “I’m sorry, Livi. It wasn’t really planned. He proposed and I said yes, and then we decided not to wait.”

  “Yet, you went to breakfast with his parents…” She’s got me there. When we told his parents we were engaged, they were thrilled. And then Killian told them we were planning to elope. I thought for sure his mom would be upset she wouldn’t get to see her son get married, but I think she was so sure he would never get married, she was just happy to know it was actually happening. We agreed to go to dinner in a couple weeks to celebrate since they’ll be flying in for the birth of Christina and Dylan’s baby.

  “Livi, I know you’re upset, but you know I’m not into being the center of attention like that. Plus, my mom is still getting better and my sister is crazy busy with school. I have nobody from my family to even attend a wedding.”

  “I’m your family,” Olivia whispers, and my heart breaks. Tears sting my eyes. When Killian notices, he flies out of his chair to my side. I put my hand up to stop him from taking the phone, but he reaches around and grabs it anyway.

  “Olivia, this is Killian. I understand you’re upset you weren’t there for the wedding, but here’s the thing. Everything Giselle has done has been about other people. She moved here for you. She takes care of her mom and sister. This wedding, this marriage, it was about us.”