by E. L. Todd
“Good luck. But remind Zeke you’re totally hung up on him, and he has nothing to worry about. That’s the truth, anyway.”
“It is.”
“Alright. And if he is mad, just show him your tits later.”
I wiped myself then stood up to pull up my underwear and jeans. I chuckled then said, “Yeah, I guess you’re right—” I hit the flusher with my foot, lost my balance, and my phone fell in the toilet. “No!”
The water swirled around and pulled the phone to the bottom. It hit the hole but was too thick to slide through, but it also looked jammed inside. My phone wasn’t waterproof, so I was pretty certain it was broken. No point in sticking my hand inside. “Goddammit.” I didn’t know anyone’s number by heart anymore, so I couldn’t call Zeke, or anyone else.
I’d just have to tell him later.
Chapter Eighteen
Rex
Kayden walked inside with a bag of groceries. She usually made me dinner after work, and all I had to do in return was rock her world. It was a pretty nice setup. “Have you seen Rae?”
“Uh, no. She’s probably home by now.”
“No, I just knocked, and she didn’t answer.”
I joined her in the kitchen and put the groceries away. “Then who gives a damn?”
Kayden stood at the counter and stared out the window, her mind clearly somewhere else. She suddenly chewed on her nails like she was nervous.
“What’s up?”
“Nothing.” She quickly pulled her hand out of her mouth.
I was getting better at reading her emotions after months’ worth of practice. “I think you’re lying.”
Like the pressure was too much, she cracked. “Okay, look. Jessie talked to Rae today and said she was having dinner with Ryker. Then Jessie told me, and now I feel like I should tell you. I’m just nervous about it.”
That was a lot of information to take in in ten seconds.
“And she’s not home when she should be, which means she’s out with him. I know she’s totally head over heels for Zeke, and I doubt she would ever do something stupid, but this whole thing makes me uncomfortable. I never want her to get back together with him. I pretty much hate the guy.”
“Whoa...Rae is having dinner with Ryker right now?”
“Yeah.”
“Does Zeke know?”
“I don’t know. Jessie said Rae was going to tell him, but we don’t know if she did or not.”
The drama was unfolding right in front of my eyes. “Why the hell is she having dinner with him?”
“I don’t know,” Kayden said with a shrug. “Something about him going through a hard time and needing someone to talk to.”
“Such bullshit,” I said. “Guys don’t talk.”
“They talk to girls,” she reminded me. “But I know how you feel. I’m afraid he’s trying to come between Rae and Zeke.”
“Wouldn’t put it past him.”
“I don’t know what to do...” She ran her fingers through her hair.
“I have to tell Zeke.”
She nodded in agreement.
I grabbed my phone and stared at it for a second before I made the call, dreading the conversation I was about to have with my best friend.
“Hey, what’s up?” He sounded like he was in a good mood, so he clearly didn’t know a goddamn thing.
“Uh...are you busy right now?”
“Just walked in the house. What’s up?”
“Uh...”
“Everything alright?”
He was gonna be pissed. I knew it. “So...Jessie talked to Rae today. Apparently, Rae is having dinner with Ryker tonight...right now, actually. She said she was gonna call you and let you know, but I’m getting the impression she didn’t. Jessie told Kayden this, and then she told me. So, I’m telling you...just to give you a heads-up.”
His silence was frightening. I knew it was the precursor for a giant storm. “Rae went to dinner with Ryker?” Rage and incredulity were in his voice, like he was about to snap the phone in two. “Why the fuck is she having dinner with him?”
“Apparently, Ryker needed to tell her something personal. I don’t know.”
“How is his personal life any of her concern?” he snapped. “That fucking asshole.”
“Dude, calm down...”
“No, you calm the fuck down. This guy is trying to steal my girl. I’m not gonna calm the fuck down.”
Shit, I hadn’t seen Zeke this mad in a long-ass time. “Zeke, listen to me. We already had this conversation. Even if Ryker tried to get her back, she wouldn’t go for it. You have absolutely nothing to worry about.”
“I don’t give a shit. I’m sick of this.”
Maybe I shouldn’t have told him.
“Do you know where they went?”
“Uh...” I knew exactly where they went, but I wasn’t sure if I should pass on that crucial information.
“Rex, tell me right now. If you still want to be my best friend, you’re gonna tell me.”
“Uh...”
“Goddammit, Rex. Spill it.”
“Alright. They went to Oliver’s.”
“Thanks,” he said through gritted teeth.
“Are you gonna go down there?”
“Hell yes.”
“Wait, hold on. If you’re gonna go, I’m coming too.”
“Good,” Zeke said. “You hold, and I’ll punch.”
“No. I’m gonna come along, so I can talk you out of it. You’re gonna storm in there like a psychopath and piss Rae off.”
“You think I give a damn about pissing her off? She obviously doesn’t care about pissing me off. She didn’t even call me to tell me.”
“Look, Jessie said she was going to you. Maybe something came up—”
“I’m leaving now. Am I picking you up or what?”
This was going to be a bad night. A really bad night. “Yeah...I’ll be waiting outside.”
Chapter Nineteen
Rae
We sat across from each other at a quiet table right against the window. The bay could be seen in the distance, along with the lights from the ships in the harbor. It wasn’t the best place for a platonic conversation between two friends, but I didn’t have the foresight to suggest a different place.
I purposely skipped the wine and ordered water, just to make a statement. The waiter took our orders almost immediately, so that was out of the way. Then it was just the two of us, sitting across from each other and staring.
I couldn’t remember the last time I had dinner with him. Toward the end of our relationship, we just stayed at each other’s apartment and fucked. We hardly spent time together in the public eye because we couldn’t keep our hands off each other.
Now, that felt like a lifetime ago.
I broke the ice. “Ryker, what’s up?” I crossed my legs under the table and felt a little self-conscious in jeans and a sweater. This place was a little fancier than that. And Ryker wore a suit, so I looked even more out of place.
He stared at me with his green eyes, looking like he’d aged years rather than months. He looked at the table for a moment before he met my gaze again. His elbows rested on the table, and his hands were joined together. “I’m not even sure where to begin...”
I kept my patience, knowing whatever he wanted to say was difficult.
“I guess I want to start by apologizing to you.”
I held my breath as I waited to hear the words I’d needed for so long.
He looked me in the eyes as he said them. “I’m so sorry for what I did to you. That night...I made the biggest mistake of my life. I pushed you away when I shouldn’t have, and I know I broke your heart.”
It’d been six months since that terrible night. I’d moved on and found something special in Zeke. I was in a happy place. But when my chest constricted and I felt inexplicable pain everywhere, I knew Ryker’s mark was still deep in my skin. I knew that apology meant more to me than I allowed myself to realize. Like a pile of bricks fell
on top of me, the pain of that night hit me with deadly force.
“I wanted to explain what happened. Because I know everything was sudden and didn’t really make any sense...”
I’d accepted the fact that I would never know what happened between us. I knew saying I loved him wasn’t the only reason. But now, I was getting the truth.
“My dad and I never had a good relationship. I know you think he was a great man, and I’m sure he was in a lot of respects, but I knew a side of him that no one else ever saw. Before I moved to New York, I caught him cheating on my mom.”
I held my breath when I heard the confession, unable to believe that sweet man would ever do something like that.
“Worst part, it was with a prostitute. After some digging, I’d realized it was something he did on a regular basis, meeting hookers in hotel rooms.” He rubbed the scruff along his chin then looked out the window, his eyes emotionless. “I told him he needed to come clean to my mom or I would.”
I held on to every word, finally getting to see the side to Ryker I never saw in the past.
“When he didn’t, I knew I had to do it. But then she had a heart attack.”
“Oh, god...”
“She recovered and got through it, thankfully.” He leaned forward with his hands still on the table. “But I couldn’t tell her what was going on right under her nose. Not if it would just cause another one. So I never told her. I moved to New York to get away from my father, the cheating and lying asshole.” Bitterness was heavy in his voice, thicker than mixed concrete. “We didn’t talk for years. And when we did, it was because he was diagnosed with cancer.”
My eyes were already watering because I could feel his pain. It seeped through his pores and directly into mine.
“Out of guilt, I came back. Mom wanted me to take over the company, and under the circumstances, I couldn’t say no. My dad tried to talk to me, but I always ignored him. When we were in public, I did my best to pretend everything was fine. But we both knew I hated him.” He grabbed his wine and took a sip, needing the alcohol to get through the rest of the story. “Over the course of me living in Seattle, he apologized to me a few times. He told me he’d changed after Mom had her heart attack. He realized what he was doing was wrong, and he needed to be a better man. But...I wasn’t willing to forgive him.”
I stared at his hands resting on the table, feeling my heart ache with every passing word.
“His cancer continued to get worse. In the beginning, they were hopeful they could remove it. But of course, the tumor grew back and was even more aggressive than before. Growing twice as fast, it took up most of his lungs. By the time he was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I still hadn’t forgiven him.”
I remembered the day Ryker told me he needed some alone time. He said he was having family problems but never specified what they were. It must have been the day he found out his father’s cancer came back, and this time, it was deadly.
He took a deep breath and closed his eyes before he continued. “They moved him to hospice and said he had a few weeks left. My PI confirmed everything my father said was true. For the past few years, he’d turned his life around. He’d been faithful to my mother like he promised. But I still couldn’t forgive him...”
For the first time since I’d known him, Ryker’s eyes filled with tears. A thin film covered the surface but didn’t form drops. He blinked them away, his eyes turning bloodshot red. But the emotion was still throbbing deep within him.
“And then he died...” He closed his eyes again, this time covering his face.
“Ryker...” My eyes were full of tears that I didn’t even notice. Like we were six months into the past, my heart ached for him like always. His pain was my pain. I grabbed his hands and held them within my own on the surface of the table, trying to comfort him in the only way I could. “I’m so sorry.”
He nodded then took a deep breath, forcing the emotion to retreat from where it came from. He took a few seconds to compose himself, to handle his emotions until he was centered. His hands squeezed mine, and his thumb moved over my knuckles, just the way it used to. “I know that’s not an excuse for how I treated you. You were always there for me, and I never let you in. I just... I was afraid I would do the same thing to you that my father did to my mother. I was afraid to talk about what happened because of how shitty it would make me feel. I was afraid to let anything real happen between us because I just couldn’t handle it. So when you told me you loved me...I pushed you away.”
Whatever resentment I had for him vanished on the spot. Now that I understood what he went through, it was impossible to stay mad at him. I could only imagine what he’d experienced, wanting to forgive his father but no longer being able to. Now he would never get his chance.
“I didn’t feel the sting of our breakup until a few months ago. I was too upset with my father and myself to feel anything else. But once the dust settled, I felt the searing pain of your absence. Every day, I wished you were beside me. I missed the way my sheets used to smell like you. I missed the way you used to make coffee in the morning. I missed making love to you every night.”
My pulse quickened because my heart was in overdrive. My hands hadn’t let go of his because they were afraid to. He was pouring out his soul to me for the first time, and I didn’t want him to stop.
“Somehow, the pain was worse than losing my father. Somehow, losing you is my biggest regret. My father is dead, and I can never accept his apology. I can never apologize in return. There’s nothing I can do because I’m alive. But you’re still here, Rae.” He looked up at me, desperation in his eyes. “And I can still do something about it.”
I couldn’t breathe. It was like I forgot how to do it.
“I know you’re with Zeke now. And I know he’s a great guy. Despite the differences we’ve had lately, I don’t have anything bad to say about him. He’ll always be good to you, and I know he would never be an idiot like me and fuck it up. But...you need to know how I feel, Rae. I’m different now. I’m ready to be what you need me to be. I’ll be there for you, every single day. I’ll open up to you and finally let you in. I’ll be the best damn boyfriend the world has ever seen.”
My mind was in a tailspin, and I wasn’t sure if it was going to slow down. Ryker had just played out a fantasy I used to have all the time. In those first three months of our separation, I pictured him coming back to me on his knees and begging me to take him back. I pictured him saying those exact words.
“Rae.”
My eyes found his, and I realized my hands were shaking. They suddenly turned cold, and no matter how warm his were, mine were still freezing. All the blood drained from my body because it went straight to my heart.
He squeezed my hands. “Rae, I love you.”
I nearly gasped when I took a breath, hearing those words with my heart rather than my ears. It took me by surprise, and I couldn’t recover. I never thought I would hear my own words echoed back at me, the very words that drove him away in the first place.
He squeezed my hands again. “I’m in love with you.” He looked me in the eye, his smoldering gaze non-existent. It was like looking at a new man, someone strikingly similar to Ryker, but softer. He showed his vulnerability, laying all his cards on the table for me to see. “I would do anything to have you back in my life. I’ll tell you I love you every day. I’ll apologize to you for being a dick every day. I’ll take care of you. I’ll buy you the fucking moon if that’s what you want. Please give me another chance. I won’t fuck up again. I promise you.”
“Ryker...” My eyes watered, and the tears spilled over my cheeks. I used to think those words would bring me happiness, but now they brought me sorrow. If only he had said them to me six months ago, I never would have been miserable to begin with. I could have comforted him during his father’s death. We could have been exactly what we both needed. “I love you.”
He took a deep breath, and his eyes watered.
“And I’ll always love
you.” I gripped his hands and stared at them on the table, choosing my next words carefully. When I looked up at him again, I felt pain shoot through my body everywhere. “But you did leave, Ryker. You broke my heart and walked away. Three months came and went, and I never heard from you—”
“I know. I don’t have any excuses for it. But for the past few months, I’ve been absolutely miserable. I haven’t slept with anyone since... I can’t even remember the last time. I can’t get hard for anyone—except you. I know what I did was wrong, and I’ll apologize over and over. But I really love you, Rae. Please give me another chance. Come on, please.” He leaned farther over the table, being more aggressive than he’d been all night. He brought my hands to his lips and kissed each one. “I don’t want to live without you. I want to marry you. I want to make babies with you. Please, Rae.”
More tears fell, and I closed my eyes to stop them. I should have been emotionless right then, but I couldn’t help it. It didn’t matter how much time had passed. What Ryker and I had was real, and I couldn’t forget about it. My heart would never forget about it. “Ryker, I’ve been with Zeke for two months now—”
“I’m sorry to put you in a bad position. I know he’s your friend, and you care about him. But he knew how you felt about me. He would understand. He wants you to be happy, Rae. Even if it’s not with him.”
I sniffed to stop the oncoming tears. “Ryker, that’s not it.” I closed my eyes to give myself a break from his expression before I opened them again. “I’m in love with him. I love him, from the bottom of my heart. And he’s the man I’m going to spend the rest of my life with.”
It was the first time Ryker’s hands slackened in mine. His aggression died away, devastation left in its wake. He looked out the window when he couldn’t handle the truth, unable to look at me.
“I’m sorry.” I didn’t know what else to say. I didn’t know how to make this rejection easier for him to swallow. But I couldn’t lie about my feelings for Zeke. I couldn’t dumb them down because that would just hurt him more in the end.
“You’ve said that to each other already?” he whispered.
