When she turned around and I heard her breath catch as her eyes moved down and back up my body, my own hands were shaking. She brushed passed me like I never meant a damn thing to her. I wanted to hug her and tell her how sorry I was about everything she had been through, but I couldn't do it. There was no way I wanted her to push me away. I had abandoned her too. She had no idea how much I worried about her. We wanted different things in life. I wanted New York, and she wanted a tiny town. We never would have made it. She knew that just as much as I did. We talked about it often.
My mom told me all the time those last four years how helpful Livie had been since she moved back in with her mom. I knew she had children. That was just another reason we would never have made it. She wanted kids. She always had. I wasn't interested in having them. There was no way I wanted to bring little ones into the world to disappoint them. I never wanted anyone to feel about me the way I felt about my father. I was never going to risk hurting anyone the way he hurt me.
Livie married a guy we went to school with. That was a much harder day for me than I thought it would be. I wanted her to be happy and knew we would never be together. It didn't make the news any easier though. They started dating after I had already been gone an entire year. She didn't seem that happy with him. There were times I wanted to wrap her up and keep her safe, but I knew she was strong and could hold her own. My Livie would never let a guy push her around. She was the strongest woman I had ever met. The day my mom told me he had proposed was the last day I thought about us together. The last tiny part of me that hoped we would have a future together disappeared. I thought that one day she would show up and tell me she loved me, but that day never came. When she accepted his proposal, I knew it was time to let her go.
"She's such a nice girl," my mom said just as Livie walked out the door.
I watched her practically run away from me to the safety of her own home. My mom was sitting down at the kitchen table. I moved to the stove to finish her breakfast.
"You have no idea how helpful she's been the last couple of years," she said.
I couldn't help the irritation that spread through my body. My mom had been through a lot. I didn't want to upset her after having only been back one night, but I couldn't help the way I was feeling. When I first walked into the kitchen, Livie looked happy and carefree. That all the changed the second she laid eyes on me. She treated me like I was the worst man in the world. That wasn't like her. She was always nice to everyone. Even people she couldn't stand. That was who she was. She always gave everyone the benefit of the doubt. There was always a positive comment or attitude with her. That wasn't how she had just treated me. She wasn't hiding her disgust for me, and it pissed me off.
"That's not what you told me all those years ago, mom," I snapped, as I put a plate down in front of her. "Do you remember that? You used to tell me she wasn't good enough for me. Don't get any ideas about that girl. Wasn't that what you said? You discouraged our friendship any chance you had. Now all I hear is about how wonderful she is. You're going to make something of yourself one day while she stays here in this small town. Those were your words."
"Look at you," she said.
That was her reply. I shook my head.
"What about me?"
I set my coffee cup down harder than I should have and her eyes snapped up to mine. Did she seriously think I was better than Livie, even after everything she had done to help the two of them?
"You have a great place in an amazing city. You've done very well for yourself. You're a big shot doctor now. People look upto you. You're somebody. That's all I've ever wanted for you. You have money now. I know you're always going to be okay."
I brushed my hand through my hair before rubbing the knot I felt in the back of my neck, as I turned to look out the window. It hadn't even been twelve hours since I had walked through that door, and I was ready to run as fast as I could away from that house and the entire town. He wasn't even there. That was the shocking part.
My attention pulled away for a moment when I saw movement. Olivia was walking toward her car, as two kids chased after her. She leaned down and kissed each of them before pulling them into a group hug. They walked back toward the porch, as she got into her car and backed out of the driveway. They waved their little arms back and forth as they watched her drive away. Then they both ran back into the house. I shook my head thinking about her being a mother.
"What does that have to do with her?" I asked, as I turned to face my mom.
"She never wanted a big city life. She's a small town girl. You know that. What would have happened if you two had gotten together? Would you have never left? Would you have given up what you could have had? You have everything you wanted. Look where she is. She's living with her mother. Her man's gone. He doesn't even see those kids. Do you honestly think she would have kept you happy? She's a great girl. I'm not saying she's not. I love her to bits. She has been so helpful through your dad's sickness. I just never thought she was the girl for you. You never wanted kids. You have to see that what I'm saying is true. She would never fit into your life, Zander."
I let out a long breath and turned back to look out the window. Livie always knew she wanted to stay there. She was never leaving. I always knew I was leaving the first moment I could and never looking back. That was exactly what I had done. I just wasn't so sure I had done the right thing.
Chapter 3
Olivia
I don't think I had ever gotten ready that fast in all my life. It was like he was watching me. I hugged my kids and got in my car as quickly as I could. The way the hair on the back of my neck stood up drove me crazy. I couldn't stand him. He left me. I needed him, and he wasn't there. We had been best friends for four years. I saw him almost every single day in high school. If we went two days without seeing each other, I felt like something was missing in my life. He was true to his word. Zander left town and never looked back. One year of college and he didn't even know who I was. I was good enough to pass time with. That was all I was to him. He ran as fast as he could to his big city life.
When Mike asked me out, I wasn't interested. My mom encouraged me to date him. So did Carol. They both told me he was a real catch. I agreed to one date with him. We had an okay time, so I accepted a second date. It wasn't nearly as nice talking to him as it was talking to Z. That was my name for Zander. I only called him that because he pissed me off. He was my best friend. I figured that was why talking to Mike wasn't as fun.
When I mentioned to Z that I went out with Mike, he sounded happy about it. They knew each other in high school. We all did. The more I went out with Mike, the more my mom and Carol encouraged it. They would tell me what a nice guy he was and how well he could take care of me. He worked with his father as a mechanic. His dad owned the shop. Mike was a nice looking guy. He played football in school, so he was fit and kind of big. By the time we started dating, he had a house of his own. I was working at the bakery in town. He would come in to buy things for the shop each morning.
The longer we dated, the less Z and I talked. I would hear about his classes and how great life was for him. Part of me always thought we would still end up together. I was wrong. He had big plans, and none of them included me. I found that out the hard way.
My mom told me that Mike was going to propose. He had asked my father. Of course my father was thrilled with the idea. He couldn't wait to get rid of me. To be honest, I couldn't wait to get away from him. He was not a nice man. Some days he wasn't so bad but other days were awful. He really beat me good a few times, but that was only when I stepped in the way of him and mother fighting. Nobody knew about that. It would have been an embarrassment to her. She always made me promise not to tell. I'd fake sick for a few days while the marks went away.
When my mom told me about Mike wanting to marry me, I thought about Z. I needed to know for sure that there was no chance of us being together. That sounds pretty sad, I know. Looking back, I should have known our marriage wou
ldn't last. I was busy thinking about another man. It was such a small town, and I had no plans of leaving. There weren't many options. With Carol and my mother whispering in my ear about what a great guy he was, I felt like it might have been my only chance at love and family. I didn't always have a great feeling about myself. My dad and mom both helped by pointing out all of my flaws often. She always told me I needed to watch my weight or make sure I looked perfect before leaving the house. Her whole goal was for me to catch a good man. It was strange the way she acted. Did she honestly think my father was a good man? He paid the bills. I guess not having to work was worth what she had to deal with when he was home.
I've heard people talk about women looking for a man like their father. That would never be me. I would never be with a man that acted like him. That was what I always told myself anyway.
Before Mike had a chance to propose, I decided it was time to take a trip. My parents never went on vacation. That town was all I had ever known. I had some money saved up. Every penny I earned went into my savings. I was going to own the bakery I worked in one day. My mom thought it was a silly dream. So did Mike and everyone else in town. It made me want it that much more. I knew a trip to New York would put a huge dent in my savings, but I couldn't marry Mike unless I knew for sure there was no chance at a life with Z. My bag was packed and I was ready to go. I was so nervous to leave, but I knew everything would be okay. At least I would have an answer. He would be happy to see me for sure.
There had never been a day like that again in my life. I was the happiest I had ever been. He was my best friend. I don't think he ever realized how important he was to me. He got me through four very tough years. I gave the taxi driver the address with the biggest smile on my face and watched the busy, huge city around me. It was crazy. I had never seen anything like it before. There were butterflies in my stomach the entire drive. I was doing it. I was going to tell Z how much he meant to me. If anyone had ever told me you could be on top of the world one second and the next your world could crash down around you, I wouldn't have believed them. Not until it actually happened to me.
The taxi pulled up in front of his apartment building. I was damn excited to see him. Just as I opened the taxi door, his door opened and he walked out. He looked so perfect. I looked at pictures of him all the time. My memories were nothing compared to the real thing. I couldn't wait to wrap my arms around his neck and hug him. Just as I opened my mouth to yell out his name, I saw her. She was very pretty. Her legs were long, and she was thin. I watched her long brown hair move in the wind. She grabbed his hand. When they turned around, they were both laughing. He leaned in to kiss her. Her hands went into his soft hair and pulled him closer. I felt my breath catch as I gasped. They looked so happy together. That was the moment I realized the man of dreams was gone. He had the life he had always talked about. The city around him was enormous, and he was happy.
I got back into the taxi with tears streaming down my face. As the driver drove away, Z looked up. I could have sworn that our eyes connected but knew that was just wishful thinking. I think it was just me dreaming that he would come after me. He never did. I sat quietly on my way back to the airport. It was the only time I had ever left the small town, and I knew it would never happen again.
When I got home, Mike proposed and I accepted. That was the last time I had seen Z. We never spoke again. At least not until he walked in on me cooking breakfast for his mother, looking as if I had just gotten out of bed.
I couldn't help but rub the spot he touched earlier when I tried to leave the kitchen. The warmth of his hand was still there. I could still feel the electricity that ran through my arm when his skin connected with mine. He pissed me off so badly. I think I was more upset with myself for having such a reaction to him after all those years. He didn't deserve that. He left me.
I pulled into the bakery parking lot, shut off the car, and looked around. Not everything turned out bad. I had two amazing kids that were my everything. I had also proven Mike, my parents, and everyone in town wrong. That bakery was mine, and I was so damn proud of myself. It took a lot longer than I thought it would to get it. The older couple who owned it wanted to retire and move south. They were asking way too much. I was surprised when they dropped the price a considerable amount and snatched it up before they could change their minds. I got out my car feeling so proud of myself and the woman I had become.
Chapter 4
Zander
My mother's words played in my head over and over again.
"She never wanted a big city life. She's a small town girl. You know that. What would have happened if you two had gotten together? Would you have never left? Would you have given up what you could have had? You have everything you wanted. Look where she is. You never wanted kids. You have to see that what I'm saying is true. She would never fit into your life, Zander."
I spent the day making plans with my mom for the funeral. She wanted to have dinner at her house after the services. I told her we could have it at a hall, but she insisted that we have everyone come back to her house. It was all about what she wanted. I wanted her to be happy with how the day turned out. I at least got her to let me have the food brought in. There was no way she needed to be cooking all day while she visited with friends. She was devastated, and I felt horrible for not being there with her through it all. Livie had been the one to comfort her and be by her side. The woman she never thought was good enough for me was the only one that was really there for her.
We sat in the funeral home, as she went over one thing after the next with the director. I felt bad for not getting involved in the decisions. Even though my dad pissed me off all the time, I knew he wasn't a horrible man. My mother loved him with all of her heart. He cared for her just as much. It was me who could never make him happy or proud.
I assured my mom that she could have everything she wanted. She had insurance on my dad. I knew because I paid for it. She never worked, and I wanted her to know she was financially stable. The woman refused to accept money from me, so I had to be creative when it came to her. That was just like another woman I knew would never take my help. As far as Livie was concerned, I hadn't been a part of her life since I left. That was how I planned to keep it. She was a very proud woman. I knew she would never have accepted help from anyone, especially not from me.
My mind wandered as I sat waiting for my mom to finish planning everything. I looked around the funeral home and thought about my life. It was an amazing life. I was one of the top in my field and spent every moment I could at work. That was where I felt important. Those patients counted on me. Everything in my life was fast paced. That was how I had always wanted it. If I wasn't sleeping, I was either at work or spending the evening with a woman. My place was nice. It was big and overlooked the city. That was what I had always wanted too. I wasn't tied down, and I didn't have kids. My life was mine and mine alone.
I hadn't gotten serious with a woman, not even in college. There were a few girls I spent time with here and there. I'd take them to dinner. We'd go back to either their place or mine. I would spend a few hours with them. That was it. They never stayed and I always left. I had never made an emotional connection with any of them. There was no use for that in my life. I was too busy for that and had never found anyone I wanted that with. They never had a problem with it. If I had a business dinner or conference to go to, I'd take one of them with me. They jumped at the chance of being spoiled for an evening.
Most of my days were spent in suits or scrubs. The atmosphere surrounding me was serious most of the time. I had my own gym at my place. It gave me a place where I could blow off steam when I was stressed after a long day. I spent at least an hour a day there blasting the radio and sweating my ass off. When I saw Livie's reaction earlier in the day, I knew that gym had been totally worth it. She was speechless. It only lasted a moment, but it happened. I couldn't miss her eyes moving down and back up my body. There was no way she was able to hide it.
&nb
sp; "Maybe I should make plans for my funeral as well," my mom said, snapping me out of my thoughts.
"What?" I asked in a shocked tone.
"That way you won't have to deal with it. I could just pick everything out now," she said.
I couldn't believe she was saying it in a normal tone like we were talking about the weather.
"No," I snapped. "We don't need to do that."
"I want to be next to your father. We could get the plot and stone now. That's what I want to do," she said.
"Stop," I said. "You have many years left, mom."
"Many couples buy the plots so they can be sure they'll be together," the guy sitting across chimed in.
I wanted to reach out and grab him, but I adjusted my tie and let out a breath instead.
"You're so busy. I'm sure you won't be back until I'm gone, son. I'd rather you not have to worry about it," she said.
I turned to look at her with my eyes narrowed.
"That's not true," I said. "You can get the plot next to him, but you're not planning anything. That's not happening."
"Fine," she said. "I'll just get the plot."
When she was finally finished, we headed back to her house. She insisted on making us lunch. I thought about what she had said. She was the one that pushed so hard for me to live my life in New York. I didn't want to ignore her. I loved my mom and wanted to see her. A thought popped into my mind and out of my mouth before I could stop it.
"Move in with me," I said.
My eyes widened at the same time hers did. I couldn't believe I had said it. My life was mine alone. I didn't want to live with someone else. Everything would change, and I didn't want that. I did want her to move to New York. I could get her a place close to me and still keep my private life. With my mom there, I wouldn't be able the walk around naked. She'd be into every bit of my business. Being in the same building would be good though.
A Blast from the Past (A Second Chance Romance) Page 2
