Caren J. Werlinger - Looking Through Windows

by Caren J. Werlinger

  Emily nodded, but didn't say any more. After a few moments, Joseph said, "Ann seems like a wonderful woman. Is she…?"

  "No!" Emily responded as she realized what he was asking. "She's just a friend. There hasn't been anyone else."

  "I'm sorry," he stammered, "I didn't mean to pry."

  "It's okay," she said. "It's just that I haven't had to deal with this so directly for a long time."

  "Well," he said, standing to go, "I'll let you get back to work."

  "I'll see you later," Emily smiled. She sat looking out the window for a long time, lost in memories.

  Chapter 9

  For the next few weeks, Emily buried herself in work. If she wasn't teaching or taking a class herself, she was studying, writing, doing research. Ann noticed a definite change in her demeanor. Emily had sat in on a couple of Lise's classes as part of her responsibility for supervising the teaching assistants. Ann tried to catch her eye, but Emily seemed to be avoiding any eye contact. Waiting out in the corridor where she could often overhear the last few minutes of Emily's class, she noticed that Emily had become more impatient with errors, a little terse in her responses. At the end of class, Emily was almost the first to leave, precluding any attempt at conversation. She also noticed that Emily hadn't been by the farm on morning runs, because she was out with Meg almost every morning, keeping an eye out for Emily's figure on the road.

  Ann got a little peeved about Emily's attitude at times, telling herself she wasn't worth worrying about. But then the image of Emily standing in the darkened kitchen would pop into her head, standing there with her eyes closed, looking so hurt and vulnerable.

  October arrived with a definite change in the air. Most mornings there was a light frost on car windows, and the leaves really started to change colors, especially the maples as they turned a brilliant crimson. Monday of the first week in October, Ann was sitting on the steps of Whitmore Hall, basking in the sun and trying not very successfully to read her economics text when she saw Emily walking hurriedly toward the building. Glancing at her watch, Ann realized that Emily was late for her French class. As she ran up the steps two at a time, not seeing Ann sitting there, Ann couldn't help noticing how gaunt her face was. She looked as if she hadn't slept in days.

  Ann decided she had to say something. On Tuesday, during Emily's office hours, she went to the office. As she entered, Ann surveyed the room and saw that the other instructors were gone.

  "May I speak with you?" she asked.

  Emily looked up. "Have a seat," she said, pointing to a chair beside her desk.

  Ann took a deep breath, and decided to take the leap. "Emily, I'm worried about you," she began. Emily looked at her, and Ann felt she was seeing a shell of the woman she had become acquainted with a few weeks ago. "You haven't been the same since the weekend Joseph was here. Is there anything I can do to help?"

  Emily looked at Ann for a long moment, searching her eyes. "I haven't meant to worry you," she said finally. "There's really nothing you can do, it's just something I have to work through." She smiled a weak smile, trying in vain to reassure Ann. "Thank you for asking though." Sato and Heinrich came into the office at that point, and Ann knew the conversation was over.

  Emily left the room soon after Ann. She needed to walk, to move. She knew it had taken a lot of courage for Ann to approach her, and she knew Ann had asked out of genuine concern, not idle curiosity. She just needed time. Time had worked before; it would this time, too.

  She wandered through town, not knowing or caring where she went. She didn't know how long she walked, but she finally headed back to the Gundlach house. She hadn't spent much time with them lately. Polite conversation was just too hard right now.

  She limped through the next few days, keeping herself focused on completing one task at a time. On Friday at lunchtime, she walked downtown. She needed some pens and envelopes, and there was a small stationery and art supply store on one of the side streets. As she approached the store, her eyes caught sight of a painting in the front window. She walked closer for a better view and felt as if someone had knocked the breath out of her.

  It was an oil painting of the Shenandoah Valley in Virginia, a view from the Skyline Drive. She remembered the day Caroline had painted it. She'd gone for a long hike to give Caroline the solitude she needed. It had been one of Emily's favorites. Even Caroline had been pleased with it, and she was never happy with her work.

  "Isn't it wonderful?" asked the owner of the store. "I just got it from a gallery in New Haven."

  Emily turned without answering, and walked away. Nothing was in focus; the world seemed to be spinning. She felt as if she had no control over her legs, but they kept moving. At length, she found herself in the park in front of the little church. She stumbled into the darkness and climbed the hidden stairway to her loft. There she curled up in a small ball, hugging her knees to her chest, rocking. Slowly waves of tears welled from deep within.

  Chapter 10

  When Ann arrived outside the French classroom Friday afternoon, she realized there were no voices. She peeked in and saw that the classroom was empty except for one student who was sitting at a desk studying.

  "Didn't you have class today?" she asked the student.

  The student shrugged. "Emily didn't show up. We don't know where she is."

  Ann was really scared for Emily now. She anxiously sat through her own French class. As soon as it was over, she looked up the Gundlachs' number and called. Mrs. Gundlach answered the phone.

  "Mrs. Gundlach," she said quickly, "this is Emily's friend, Ann. Is Emily there?"

  "No, Ann," Mrs. Gundlach replied. "I haven't seen her since this morning."

  "Okay," Ann said, trying to sound casual. "If you see her, please tell her I called."

  "I will, my dear," Mrs. Gundlach promised.

  Ann sat and tried to think of where Emily might have gone. She found Emily's red Honda in the parking lot, and left a note on the windshield. 'At least she hasn't left town,' she thought. She went to the library, searching all the study rooms and tables where people often fell asleep on their books. From there she went to the language office, chiding herself for not going there first. None of the other grad students had seen her, and they were also worried when they realized she hadn't shown for class.

  "Do any of you know of any places she goes to study or just get away?" she asked hopefully.

  They shook their heads, and Ann was turning to leave the room when Heinrich said, "The only place I remember is in the park. I saw her coming out of the old church there one day."

  Ann thanked him and almost ran to the park. She stopped to catch her breath before she entered the church. When she went in, it took a few minutes for her eyes to adjust to the dim light. Her heart fell as she saw the pews were empty. She sat down in one and said a spontaneous prayer asking that Emily be safe.

  As she sat in the half-light, trying to think of where else she could look, she heard a low sound. She couldn't identify it at first. It sounded like a moan, as if wind were blowing through pine trees. But when she looked out the windows, the trees were still. She stood up and tried to isolate where the sound was coming from. It still seemed to be emanating from some place high. She wandered toward the front of the church, but the sound became fainter. As she circled to the rear, it was more distinct. She stumbled upon the stairway in the dark corner and climbed up.

  There she saw Emily, hands over her face, sobbing uncontrollably. Ann sank down beside her, not sure what to do. Tentatively, she put one arm around her shoulders and pulled Emily to her. She held her tightly as Emily sobbed in her arms, her frail body racked with each wave of a sorrow that seemed bottomless.

  "I'm here," Ann whispered. "I'm not going to leave you." Her own eyes filled with tears. What could have injured Emily this deeply?

  After a very long time, Emily quieted and fell asleep on Ann's lap, exhausted. Ann watched her sleep, her tear dampened lashes dark against her cheek. She could imagine what she must
have looked like as a child. She brushed the damp curls from Emily's forehead, surprised by how soft her hair was. Ann was filled with a tenderness and gentleness unlike anything she had ever felt. She wanted to protect Emily from this horrible hurt, but she didn't even know what it was.

  Darkness had fallen when Emily stirred and sat up. "Where am I?" she asked, confused.

  "It's all right," Ann said soothingly. "We're in the church in the park."

  Emily began to remember. "Oh, Ann," she said, "I'm so sorry…"

  "Don't even start," Ann ordered. "Are you okay to get up?" Emily nodded. "Then we're going to my apartment." Emily didn't argue. She seemed small and fragile.

  Ann helped her to her feet, and they climbed down from the loft. Ann slipped her arm through Emily's, and guided her back to where the Toyota was parked. Emily didn't speak and Ann didn't push for conversation. When they got to her apartment, Ann turned on one low light. While Emily went to the bathroom to blow her nose and wash her face, Ann warmed some soup. They sat on the couch and ate in silence.

  When Emily was done, Ann took the bowl and sat on the coffee table so she was face to face with her. "Now, what happened?" she asked gently, but firmly.

  Emily closed her eyes, and mumbled, "I'm not sure where to start."

  "At the beginning."

  She opened her eyes, staring at nothing. "When I was a sophomore, I met a woman on campus who was an art major. Her name was Caroline Blake. She had red hair and green eyes. She was unlike anyone I had ever known. We fell in love."

  Emily paused to see what impact her revelation had. Ann waited patiently for her to continue. "When I went to Europe, Caroline went with me. She painted while I studied. We were very happy together.

  "After I got my Master's, we moved to Virginia where I taught high school French and German, and she painted. Some of her work sold, and she was beginning to develop a following.

  "One day four years ago, a policeman came to call me out of class. He said that Caroline had been in an accident, and was being flown to UVA's trauma unit." Emily paused for a long time, lost in memories. Ann waited.

  "When I got to UVA, Caroline's parents were already there. She was in intensive care, and the rules said immediate family only. Her parents ordered the hospital staff not to let me see her."

  Ann's eyes filled with tears. Emily's face was blank.

  "They stood in the corridor and screamed at me, accusing me of perverting their daughter. There was nothing I could do. She was in a coma. I stayed in Charlottesville for three days, hoping to get to see her. Then she died. Joseph said she never woke up." Ann reached out and placed a hand on Emily's knee, tears falling down her face. Emily seemed to be almost in a trance.

  "When I got home, her parents had obtained a restraining order barring me from our house until they had removed her things. They took everything: her clothes, her paintings, her books, our photos. I had nothing but memories." She looked at Ann. "I loved her so much, and I never got to say goodbye," she finished softly.

  Ann's heart was breaking, thinking of the pain Emily had been living with these last four years, but she sensed that Emily needed to bring this out from wherever she had kept it walled up. Ann refrained from moving to the couch to hold her.

  "So Joseph was at UVA when all this happened?" she asked gently.

  Emily nodded. "He was a med student. That's how he figured out where he knew me from the other weekend."

  Finally Ann understood the downward spiral of these past few weeks. "But did something happen today that…" Ann wasn't sure what to call today's event, a breakdown? She felt as if she wasn't qualified to be the one Emily opened up to, but it didn't seem like a good idea to stop her now that she was finally talking.

  "Her parents are selling her paintings," Emily said. "I saw one in a shop window downtown. I guess I just lost it."

  "Emily, I'm so sorry," Ann said softly, "about everything."

  Emily's eyes suddenly widened. "I didn't make it to class today. Everyone must be worried. I'm sorry…"

  Ann interrupted by moving to the couch and putting her arm around Emily's shoulders. "You need to take care of yourself, Emily. You're staying here tonight. No arguments," she said firmly as Emily opened her mouth to protest. "I'll let Mrs. Gundlach know you're here for the night. We'll see about tomorrow."

  Ann called Mrs. Gundlach, and told her that Emily was spending the night. Then she found a large t-shirt for Emily to wear, and rummaged around in the bathroom until she found an extra toothbrush. After Emily had changed and come out of the bathroom, Ann showed her into the bedroom.

  "I can't sleep in your bed," Emily protested.

  "Nonsense," Ann countered.

  "What about you?" Emily asked.

  "I'll sleep on the sofa," Ann said.

  "Ann…"

  "No more discussion," Ann insisted. "Goodnight," she added more gently.

  After washing and changing into a nightshirt, Ann stretched out on the couch, pulling a crocheted blanket up around her neck. Lying there, she thought about all that Emily had told her. It hadn't occurred to her that Emily was gay. She'd never had a gay friend, at least not that she knew of. She wasn't shocked or repulsed. Emily's love for Caroline seemed so real and genuine. It was a depth of emotion Ann had yet to experience, but she had witnessed that kind of love in her parents' relationship. She herself had had one long-term relationship with a man. She had cared for him, but she had known something was missing. So she was content to wait for what her parents had. She felt sure it would come in time.

  She pondered the anguish Emily had been through. She couldn't fathom the cruelty of being denied the opportunity to see the person she loved as she lay dying, or of having every tangible memento of that person taken from her. Her eyes filled with tears again at the thought of the pain Emily had been living with all this time.

  At last she drifted into a restless sleep. She wasn't sure what time it was when she heard something. Startled awake, she listened in the dark. It was Emily in the bathroom. Ann waited. Emily was in there for a long time. With the same feeling of dread in the pit of her stomach which she had felt earlier in the day, she remembered that she had a couple of bottles of powerful prescription pain killers from old riding injuries in the medicine chest. She got up and knocked on the door.

  "Emily? Are you all right?" She thought she heard the medicine chest door snap shut. The door opened, and Emily was standing there.

  "I needed a drink of water."

  "Have you been able to sleep?"

  Emily shook her head.

  "Would it be easier not to be alone?"

  "I don't want to make you uncomfortable," Emily said, very self-conscious now that Ann knew she was gay.

  Ann took Emily by the shoulders, and looked her square in the eye. "You haven't made me uncomfortable at all. I just didn't want to disturb you."

  "It wouldn't disturb me," Emily said. She looked down. "Actually, I'd rather not be alone."

  Ann knew that wasn't easy for her to say. They went in to the bedroom and climbed into bed. Emily lay stiffly on one side.

  "Would you like me to hold you until you fall asleep?" Ann asked softy.

  "Thank you," Emily whispered, moving into Ann's arms. She felt Ann's breath on her hair, and smelled a subtle perfume. Slowly, she felt the tension in her neck and shoulders ease. Ann listened to Emily's breathing slow and grow deeper. Finally, she, too, fell asleep.

  Chapter 11

  When Ann woke the next morning, Emily was already awake, watching her.

  "Good morning," Ann smiled. "How did you sleep?"

  "I did sleep, for the first time in ages," Emily said.

  "Good. Let me use the bathroom real fast then you can shower while I make some coffee," Ann said as she got up. She went to the bathroom to brush her teeth, and when she opened the medicine chest, a plastic bottle fell off the shelf into the sink. Picking it up and looking at the label, it was one of the medicines she had remembered. She stood there staring at th
e bottle for a long time. With her heart pounding, she took the bottles to the kitchen and hid them in a cupboard there.

  While Ann busied herself in the kitchen, Emily stood under the hot shower for a long time, letting the water splash into her face. She felt as if more than her body were being cleansed by the stream. She was amazed at the depth of Ann's compassion. They barely knew one another, yet she had come looking for her, making it her business, despite Emily's past objections, to see if she was okay.

  When she was dressed, she went out to the kitchen where the aroma of coffee brewing was mixed with the scent of pancakes on the griddle.

  "Hope you're hungry," Ann said, smiling at her from the stove.

  "Actually, I'm starving," Emily realized.