Caren J. Werlinger - Looking Through Windows

by Caren J. Werlinger

  When the movie was over, Owen and Katharine said goodnight. Emily sensed Ann's desire to stay in front of the fire, but Michael went to the sofa, picked up the remote and began switching channels. After a few moments, with the television settled on a police drama, Emily got up and said goodnight, hoping that Ann would follow.

  "I'll be up in a little bit," Ann said.

  'Maybe she and Michael need time to talk,' Emily thought. She changed and crawled into bed, lying on Ann's side to warm it for her. The moonlight cast a silvery glow throughout the room, with tree shadows dancing on the walls.

  She woke with a start, and realized she had drifted off. Ann stepped quietly into the dark room, trying not to disturb Emily.

  "I'm awake," Emily whispered.

  "I'll hurry," Ann whispered back.

  In a few minutes, she got under the covers, taking the warm spot Emily had just vacated. Emily moved close, enjoying Ann's clean smell. Ann put her arm under Emily's head and held her tightly.

  "Are you okay?" Emily asked. She could feel Ann's pulse beat in her neck; it was rapid, agitated.

  Ann didn't answer for long seconds. "Michael was asking questions about how well I know you, and how much time we spend together. He implied that we shouldn't be friends, if you could be one of my instructors."

  Emily waited, but no more came. "How did all that make you feel?"

  "Angry and defensive," Ann admitted.

  "What did you say?"

  "I told him that you have become a close friend, and our friendship wouldn't interfere with our classroom relationship, even if I did take one of your classes."

  Emily felt a small, familiar stab of fear hit her heart. This had been Ann's first challenge – she hadn't caved in, but neither had she revealed the truth to her brother.

  Again, Ann seemed to read her thoughts. "I wasn't prepared for those kinds of questions. It just didn't seem like the time to get into it."

  Emily remembered how many different ways she had imagined starting that conversation with her parents. She had always told herself it was different from Caroline's situation because her parents didn't try to interfere, so it was okay to continue operating on the assumption that they knew. She felt a sudden conviction that it wasn't enough. She couldn't continue to relate to her family on the superficial level of this evening's phone call. Whatever the outcome, her family would know the truth about her, and they would either begin having real communication or none at all.

  These thoughts only took the space of a few seconds, but it was long enough for Ann to interpret Emily's silence as a reprimand. "I'm sorry," she said, pulling away and sitting up. "I guess I blew a perfect opportunity to tell him."

  Emily sat up and put her arm around Ann. "It's never easy. And this is all so new. You'll know when the time is right."

  Ann allowed herself to be pulled back down, this time with her head resting on Emily's shoulder. They caressed one another, their tenderness and love expressed in touches that felt as intimate as anything they had previously shared. They fell asleep in each other's arms, but that night, Emily experienced the return of one of her old familiar nightmares.

  Chapter 29

  Emily awoke feeling disoriented. She couldn't tell what time it was. Ann came in from the bathroom drying her hair.

  "Good morning," she said as she came to sit on the edge of the bed. "You seemed like you had a restless night." Her eyes were clouded with concern.

  Emily reached up to brush back a strand of damp hair. "Oh, just some bizarre dreams." She changed the subject. "What would you like to do today?"

  Ann noticed Emily's not-so-subtle tactic, but decided not to pursue it. "I wondered if you'd like to go riding."

  "Really? Where?" Emily asked. "You don't have any other horses here, do you?"

  "No," Ann smiled at Emily's excitement. "We used to have others, but some neighbors of ours have several horses they use for lessons. They're very well-schooled and calm. I thought it would be a good way to re-introduce you to riding."

  "That sounds like lots of fun," Emily said as she sat up and threw back the covers.

  "Good, I'll call the Remicks and see if we can go over after breakfast. Why don't you shower and I'll see you downstairs." The last part was muffled as Ann was pulling her nightshirt off over her head as she spoke.

  Emily changed directions abruptly, wrapping her arms around Ann before she could get the shirt over her head.

  "Hey," Ann giggled as Emily bent to take one nipple in her mouth. Emily paused long enough to grin wickedly before moving to the other breast. Ann stood absolutely still as Emily's hands slid over her buttocks and thighs. She allowed Emily to back her up to the bed. As she lay back, Emily knelt beside the bed, her lips and tongue barely touching the soft skin inside Ann's thighs. Emily's mouth moved higher, and Ann was no longer capable of holding still.

  Chapter 30

  Emily was startled by Sato's greeting as she entered their shared office. "Hi, Sato, how was your Thanksgiving break?"

  "It was very nice," Sato smiled. "I stay here, and my church have Thanksgiving feast," she said, forgetting to adjust to past tense. Emily gently corrected her, following the agreement they had all made to correct one another's grammatical errors.

  Sato gathered some papers and left Emily alone once more in the office. She looked down at the empty paper in front of her and realized she must have been staring out the window for almost an hour. She glanced at her watch. She was supposed to be at Ann's apartment in an hour. She took a deep breath, remembering the tension of Sunday – was that just yesterday? She and Ann had been packing to leave after breakfast. At one point, Emily had turned to Ann, taking hold of her shoulders, and said, "This has been the most special Thanksgiving of my life. You are what I'm most thankful for."

  Looking deeply into Emily's eyes, Ann had replied, "I know how you feel. Everything that has happened the past few days has felt like the answer to a prayer."

  As they embraced, holding one another tightly, Michael had burst in through the bathroom door. In the awkward silence that followed, all three of their faces burned a deep red.

  "Knocking might be a good idea," Ann had said, to Emily's surprise.

  "Sorry," Michael mumbled, but his eyes shot darts at Emily. Turning his gaze toward his sister, he asked, "I wondered if you wanted to come to New York for a weekend to shop?"

  "Thanks, but I've only got two weeks of classes left before exams, so I'd better not plan anything."

  "All right, I'll see you downstairs," he said with one more harsh glance at Emily.

  They hadn't discussed it on the drive back to Weston. Emily had figured that Ann would bring it up when she was ready. There had been no change in Owen or Katharine's demeanor, but Michael had managed to avoid addressing Emily at all as they left. Ann had asked Emily to come over for dinner and studying Monday evening. So now Emily sat in the gathering darkness of the office, wondering if she was attaching too much importance to Michael's opinion and his influence on Ann.

  She shook her head to clear it of those thoughts and began gathering books and papers she would need tonight. As she stood, she groaned; her legs were still sore from the riding lesson Ann had given her. Walking towards Ann's apartment, she noticed that while they had been gone, Weston had been decorated for the holidays. All the downtown trees had Christmas lights in them, the streetlights were wrapped in garlands and Christmas carols floated in the cold air. Passing a small jewelry store, her eye was caught by a small box in the window. She went in and asked for a closer look. It was a pair of finely wrought interlinked gold stirrups suspended by a gold chain. It was a simple, elegant design which would suit Ann perfectly. She asked how much, and after some polite dickering, agreed on a price and put a deposit on the necklace. She had no idea where she would come up with the rest of the money, but was too happy at having found such a perfect gift to worry about it.

  Chapter 31

  "Mom, Dad, I'm in love with Emily."

  Meg swung her he
ad around to look at Ann who stood at her hindquarters with a brush suspended in mid-air. "What do you think?" she asked. Meg snorted and swung her hindquarters into Ann as if to tell her to keep her mind on business.

  "Too direct, huh?" Ann kept speaking as she resumed grooming. "How do you start? It's not a topic that's likely to come up over dinner."

  She switched to a comb and began working on Meg's tail. She continued to rehearse different approaches. She tried to imagine how Emily would say it and suddenly stopped. She had a very clear image of Emily saying, without shame or hesitation, "I'm gay."

  All of Ann's rehearsing had been an attempt to describe the relationship, and she realized she wasn't trying to figure out how to tell her parents she was gay. 'Am I?' she asked herself. She sat down on her tack trunk. 'Or am I just in love with one special person who happens to be a woman?' She tried to imagine whether she would seek a relationship with another woman if Emily weren't in her life. She honestly didn't know.

  "Maybe I need to figure that part out first," she said to Meg as she worked on her mane. She finished grooming Meg and saddled up. For an hour they practiced a variety of dressage movements. Meg enjoyed the change from jumping, and seemed to be showing off. Ann practiced making her cues more and more subtle so that to an observer, the horse and rider looked as if they were following a predetermined choreography.

  After she had cooled Meg down and cleaned up, she went back to her apartment to shower and dress for class. She had a constant dialogue running inside her head. 'Are you afraid of being gay?'

  'No, it doesn't bother me. It's just that I've never thought of myself that way.'

  'Well, does it make you uncomfortable?'

  'No, why should it?'

  'How about being a lesbian? You've only used the word gay. Does lesbian bother you?'

  Silence. Ann was uncomfortable at the thought of calling herself a lesbian, but she wasn't sure why. She had a hard time concentrating in economics. She found herself wondering how her relationships with others would change if she were to identify herself as a lesbian. Or would the change be all internal?

  Fortunately, biology required all her concentration as they dissected fetal pigs. Although she found it fascinating, she also found she could not face any kind of meat at lunch time. She had a salad while she studied French in preparation for a quiz in Lise's class.

  She and Emily had both been adamant that there be no outward sign of the change in their relationship. They had agreed that next semester Ann would continue to sign up for one of the other instructors' French classes. Ann regretted the latter part, for Emily really was a good teacher and she would have enjoyed taking one of her classes, but she recognized the wisdom of that decision.

  When Ann arrived at Whitmore Hall, Emily was teaching. Ann positioned herself where she could watch her and listen without any of the students' seeing her.

  When class was over, Emily took her time gathering her books. "That was not nice," Emily scolded as Ann came into the classroom.

  "I know," Ann grinned. "But you look beautiful."

  "Thanks," Emily sighed, wishing she could kiss Ann right then and there. "Mrs. Gundlach wants you to come over for dinner tonight. Six o'clock?"

  "I'll be there," Ann smiled. "See you later."

  Emily watched Ann's graceful walk as she turned to go to her desk. That evening she waited impatiently for Ann's arrival as she helped Mr. Gundlach and Greta get the animals in. In the dim light cast by the bare bulbs in the barn, they bedded the cattle and the mares down in their stalls and left them quietly munching their feed. They crunched back through the snow, and entered the kitchen to find Ann whipping potatoes as Mrs. Gundlach sliced a large ham.

  Ann looked up and smiled. "It's about time you two got in here." As Ann stood there in faded jeans and an indigo sweater with the sleeves pushed up, Emily added the image to the mental photo album she kept. She had developed this pattern of holding onto her memories of Caroline when she had been left with no tangible reminders. She taught herself to conjure images and burn them into her memory so that they were as plain as photos.

  Ann's voice brought her back to the present. "Why don't you set the table? Dinner is almost ready."

  Emily snapped to, and by the time she had the table set, dinner was being served. Mr. Gundlach put some old Christmas albums on the record player and they ate accompanied by Perry Como and Bing Crosby. The Gundlachs talked excitedly about the plans for most of their children to come home for Christmas. There were a couple of new grandchildren since last Christmas, and Mrs. Gundlach made stockings for each out of old quilts and clothing. They asked what the girls' plans were for the holidays, and Emily felt a deep melancholy at having to say she was going home to Pennsylvania while Ann was going to her home. Their eyes met, and Ann saw the sadness in Emily's gaze. She quickly looked away, not wanting Emily to see the struggle taking place within her.

  After dinner, Ann and Emily did the dishes quickly then sat down to study. Emily was writing a research paper for one of her classes and had several books spread about her. She had her hand on one of the books, marking a passage with her finger as she made a footnote, when she felt Ann's hand cover hers. She looked up and felt her heart tremor. Ann's beautiful eyes were smiling at her.

  "I will always remember these evenings in this kitchen with you," she said, squeezing Emily's hand.

  Chapter 32

  Finals week was hectic for everyone on campus. Exams had to be graded and final grades calculated and turned in before five o'clock on Friday evening. Emily was grateful that she gave her exams on Monday and Tuesday. She spent hours grading them and then plugging the grades into the department computer. Her own doctoral classes were graded on the basis of papers she had already turned in. She had a meeting scheduled with her doctoral committee on Thursday to receive their critique of her work thus far. She had not seen Ann since Monday. She checked all the grades turned in by the teaching assistants and was gratified that Ann excelled, earning an A in Lise's course.

  She waited nervously in the hall on Thursday to be called in to the conference room. She wondered how many hundreds of feet had paced anxiously on those worn tiles just as she was doing.

  "Emily?" Dr. Brooks called her in. She entered to find the other four members of her doctoral committee assembled around an antique conference table. She took a seat and waited. They had all of her written work gathered before them. Two papers were in French, one in German and two others were in English.

  "Emily," Dr. Brooks began, "we have all been impressed by the quality of your work and the insight you have brought to your topics." There were nods of agreement from the other members. "I have received a letter from a colleague in Switzerland. She is in charge of a school teaching languages to members of the diplomatic branches of various governments. They are in need of a native speaker of American English. We would like for you to consider applying for the position. You would not be teaching any other languages, but you'll certainly get to use them. If you accept, we will arrange for you to do some independent work towards your doctorate while in Europe. This recommendation is not one I make lightly. This position requires an innate sense of diplomacy and a high degree of integrity. If you decide not to do this, you may of course continue working on your doctorate as previously."

  Emily considered quickly. "May I tell you right after Christmas, so I can discuss it with my family?"

  "Of course," Dr. Brooks smiled. "Give me a call as soon as you can. Please don't feel that this is a demand."

  Emily got her jacket and walked to the cold church in the park. She didn't climb to the belltower, but sat down in one of the pews to think. She had no idea what to expect from her family if she followed through on her intention to tell them about herself. She had sensed a reluctance from Ann lately to discuss family. They still hadn't talked about the incident with Michael. She wondered if Ann would consider going with her. She felt an old familiar gnawing in her gut, but chided herself for being paranoid.

/>   Chapter 33

  The Friday of that week felt like a huge relief for instructors and students alike. Emily had declined an invitation to join the other teaching assistants in celebration of the end of the semester. She and Ann had made plans to go out for dinner.

  She had decided to wear the red cashmere sweater that Ann liked. She was checking her reflection in the hall mirror for the tenth time when she heard the beep of the Toyota's horn. She pulled on her coat, making sure the box containing Ann's necklace was secure in the pocket.

  Ann surprised her by leaning over for a kiss when she got in. "It feels so good to have exams over!" Ann exclaimed as she put the Toyota in gear. They drove to a restaurant neither of them had been to, but which had an excellent reputation.