Does This Beach Make Me Look Fat?: True Stories and Confessions

by Lisa Scottoline

Now, I live alone in the city, and I’m performing the high-wire act of every twentysomething who’s trying to balance career goals with personal ones, not to mention a checkbook. I struggle to walk the line of building the person I want to be while only being the person I am.

  And after ending a two-year relationship, I had to say goodbye to the entire network of my ex-boyfriend’s friends, many of whom I’d grown close to. Now I have to create a new network, from scratch.

  So I admit, I wanted these people to like me. I wanted to be in their group.

  And I want my novel to get published this year. And I want to meet a wonderful man. And I want to be happy.

  I want everything.

  But when the pounding in my temples subsided, I knew I’d have to be myself to get it.

  The next day was my last in Little Compton. I thought my girlfriend would be able to drive me to the train station an hour away, but I forgot she didn’t have a valid license, so the Brit gallantly offered to give me a lift.

  During the drive, we got to talking on a deeper level than we had all weekend. And again, I found myself out of my comfort zone. But this time, I spoke with uncalculated honesty.

  Without meaning to, I found myself telling him my life’s story. My “dynamic” family history of divorce, remarriage, and divorce, my own thoughts about marriage and kids.

  As far as having romantic “game” goes, this was as un-strategic as it gets. The TMI factor was giving me anxiety, but despite my better judgment, I couldn’t stop my mouth.

  I think, on some level, I wanted him to know me before I left.

  The me who’s afraid of heights, and a lightweight, and a little square, and not very well traveled. The real me.

  We’re getting drinks next week.

  One, two, three, jump.

  Does This Beach Make Me Look Old?

  By Lisa

  I joke about getting older, but the truth is, I don’t feel old.

  On the contrary, at age fifty-nine, I feel as if I’m entering my prime.

  So I’m either delusional or insightful.

  I’ll leave the choice to you.

  But let me make my case.

  I’ll begin not by talking about myself, but about my girlfriends, all of whom are my age. We’ve been friends for many years. And when I look at the things they’re doing, I realize they’re in their prime too. In fact they’re more primy than I am.

  My friend Franca runs every day and lifts weights, and she’s about to run her first marathon.

  I’m going with her, to cheer.

  That’s how I work out, by cheering.

  My friend Paula is going on a trip to New Zealand with her husband and is planning on hiking twenty miles. She hikes every day here at home and has hiked the Grand Tetons in Wyoming.

  They’re Grand!

  And my friend Nan trains horses and can ride anything with four legs.

  Not bad for the Middle Ages, are they?

  They aren’t what I thought the fifties would look like when I was growing up, and I don’t think it’s just that my perception has changed because I’m in my fifties.

  I think the fifties have changed. Since the way we saw them, back in the fifties.

  And it’s not just physical activity. In fact, we’re better in many other ways. Paula travels the world, Nan rehabs houses, and Franca donates her time to help children with special needs.

  We’re trying new things.

  Wonder why?

  I think we women spend so much of our lives taking care of other people that when the kids grow up, we come to realize that it’s time to truly take care of ourselves, and once we make that decision, our lives change.

  More accurately, we change our lives.

  I’ll speak for myself, because I know I have, but it’s been part of an evolution. For example, writing is my favorite thing in the world, and I think I’m getting better at it, but it’s taken me twenty years of practice and twenty-odd novels to date. So I’ve decided to write two novels a year instead of one, in addition to these memoirs.

  Fun!

  And to make this happen, I’ve changed the way I spend my day, prioritizing writing and saying no to things that interfere with my writing time.

  In the beginning, I felt guilty when I said no, aware that I was disappointing people.

  But then a miracle happened.

  I got used to it.

  And it got easier.

  I stopped giving away my time. Instead I’m giving myself permission to keep it and use it the way I want.

  So I don’t meet people I don’t want to see for lunch.

  I don’t talk on the phone with anyone when I don’t want to.

  I don’t impose obligations on myself, or allow others to impose them on me.

  It’s taken me almost six decades on earth to figure this out, but here I am.

  And in my free time when I’m not writing, I do only the things I want to do, like see friends, read, walk the dogs, and ride bikes or Buddy The Pony.

  I’m happier than I’ve ever been.

  I’ve come into myself.

  Every woman does.

  We find out who we really are.

  We grow.

  And in that way, we never grow old.

  Acknowledgments

  By Lisa and Francesca

  We would like to express our love and gratitude to St. Martin’s Press for supporting this book and its predecessors. First, thanks to Coach Jen Enderlin, our terrific editor, as well as to the brilliant John Sargent, Sally Richardson, Jeff Dodes, Jeff Capshew, Stephanie Davis, Brian Heller, Jen Gonzalez, Paul Hochman, Jeanne-Marie Hudson, John Karle, Tracey Guest, Michael Storrings, Anne-Marie Tallberg, Nancy Trypuc, Caitlin Dareff, and all the amazing sales reps. We appreciate so much your enthusiasm for these books, and we thank you for everything you do to support us. And we will always love and remember the late Matthew Shear, whom we adored.

  We’d also like to thank Mary Beth Roche, Laura Wilson, Esther Bochner, Brant Janeway, and the St. Martin’s audiobook division for giving us the opportunity to record our own audiobook of this volume and the others in the series. We love to do it, and we love audiobooks! And there is simply no substitute for our Philly accents, which come free of charge!

  Huge thanks and love to our amazing agents, Molly Friedrich, Lucy Carson, and Nicole Lefebvre of the Friedrich Agency. Thanks to The Philadelphia Inquirer, which carries our “Chick Wit” column, and to our editor, the wonderful Sandy Clark.

  One of the best people in the world is Laura Leonard, and her advice, friendship, and love sustain us. Laura, thank you so much for all of your great comments and suggestions on this manuscript. We owe you, forever.

  Love to our girlfriends! Lisa would like to thank Nan Daley, Paula Menghetti, Sandy Steingard, and Franca Palumbo. Francesca would like to thank Rebecca Harrington, Katy Andersen, Courtney Yip, Janie Stolar, Megan Amram, and right-hand-man, Ryder Kessler. Thank you for being there during a difficult year. We’re blessed in all of you.

  Family is the heart of this book, because family is the heart of everything. Special thanks and love to Brother Frank.

  We miss Mother Mary and the late Frank Scottoline terribly, but they are with us always.

  Finally, thank you to our readers.

  Now, you’re family.

  About the Author

  LISA SCOTTOLINE is a New York Times bestselling and Edgar Award–winning author of twenty-four novels and coauthor of six humor memoirs in this series. She also writes a Sunday column for The Philadelphia Inquirer. She has 30 million copies of her books in print, and she has been published in thirty countries. She lives in the Philadelphia suburbs with an array of disobedient pets. You can visit Lisa at scottoline.com. Or sign up for email updates here.

  FRANCESCA SERRITELLA is the coauthor of six humor memoirs in this series and is currently working on a novel. She is also a Sunday columnist for The Philadelphia Inquirer. Francesca is a cum laude and award-winning graduate of Harvard Universit
y and now lives in New York City with one dog and one cat, so far. You can visit Francesca at francescaserritella.com. Or sign up for email updates here.

  Other Nonfiction by Lisa Scottoline and Francesca Serritella

  Have a Nice Guilt Trip

  Meet Me at Emotional Baggage Claim

  Best Friends, Occasional Enemies

  My Nest Isn’t Empty, It Just Has More Closet Space

  Why My Third Husband Will Be a Dog

  Fiction by Lisa Scottoline

  Every Fifteen Minutes

  Keep Quiet

  Don’t Go

  Come Home

  Save Me

  Look Again

  Daddy’s Girl

  Dirty Blonde

  Devil’s Corner

  Running from the Law

  Final Appeal

  Rosato & DiNunzio Series

  Betrayed

  Accused

  Rosato & Associates Series

  Think Twice

  Lady Killer

  Killer Smile

  Dead Ringer

  Courting Trouble

  The Vendetta Defense

  Moment of Truth

  Mistaken Identity

  Rough Justice

  Legal Tender

  Everywhere That Mary Went

  Thank you for buying this

  St. Martin’s Press ebook.

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  For email updates on Lisa Scottoline, click here.

  For email updates on Francesca Serritella, click here.

  Contents

  Title Page

  Copyright Notice

  Dedication

  Introduction • Lisa

  I’m Not My Type • Francesca

  Jumpy • Lisa

  For Your Information • Lisa

  Back to School • Francesca

  We Have a Winner • Lisa

  Judge Not, Lest Ye Be a Pain in the Ass • Lisa

  City Mouse, Country Cat • Francesca

  Baby Me • Lisa

  The Real Me • Francesca

  Task Master • Lisa

  Old and New • Lisa

  Bettor for Worse • Francesca

  Geared Up! • Lisa

  Mother Mary Gets Religion • Lisa

  Howdy Neighbor • Francesca

  Fight the Power • Lisa

  The Truth Tastes Delicious • Lisa

  Still Here, Kitty? • Francesca

  Dr. Mother Mary • Lisa

  I’m What’s Cooking • Lisa

  Mother Mary • Lisa

  Fear of Flying • Lisa

  Love Without Rough Edges • Francesca

  Mother Mary and Frank Sinatra • Lisa

  Who Needs It? • Francesca

  Rollin’ On • Lisa

  We Knew You Wouldn’t Amount to Anything • Lisa

  Hardball at the Gym • Francesca

  Credit Where Credit Is Due • Lisa

  Guilt Tripping at 65 MPH • Francesca

  Hissy Fit Bit • Lisa

  Can You Keep a Secret? • Francesca

  My TV Is Smarter Than Your Honor Student • Lisa

  Going, Going, Gonzo • Lisa

  Here’s a Howdy Do • Francesca

  In Search of Selfie • Lisa

  This Is Your Dog on Drugs • Lisa

  Working Out on Mount Olympus • Francesca

  An App a Day • Lisa

  I’m Spending My Granddog’s Inheritance • Lisa

  The Rebound • Francesca

  Birthday Present • Lisa

  Rescue Me • Lisa

  Rite of Train Passage • Francesca

  Recycled • Lisa

  Life Among the Ruins • Francesca

  In It to Win It • Lisa

  My Buddy • Lisa

  Check, Please? • Francesca

  ;) • Lisa

  It’s a Miracle! • Lisa

  I Want What I Want • Lisa

  The Mutual Fade-Out • Francesca

  The Good Wife or the Dumb Wife? • Lisa

  Troublemaker • Lisa

  Seeing Ghosts • Francesca

  Quarantine Me • Lisa

  Keeping Abreast • Lisa

  If I Were Beyoncé • Francesca

  Hot Mama • Lisa

  Princess Lisa • Lisa

  Moist • Lisa

  OK Freud • Francesca

  Sweet Tooth • Lisa

  You’re Just Some Appliance That I Used to Know • Lisa

  Women’s Rights and Wrongs • Lisa

  Hot or Not at the Gym • Francesca

  Twisted Sister • Lisa

  Good Grief • Lisa

  Carbs of Peace • Francesca

  Thru Flu • Lisa

  Tread Lightly • Lisa

  Hot Wheels • Francesca

  The Second-Greatest Generation • Lisa

  Cliff Diving • Francesca

  Does This Beach Make Me Look Old? • Lisa

  Acknowledgments

  About the Authors

  Other Nonfiction by Lisa Scottoline and Francesca Serritella

  Copyright

  DOES THIS BEACH MAKE ME LOOK FAT? Copyright © 2015 by Smart Blonde, LLC, and Francesca Scottoline Serritella. All rights reserved. For information, address St. Martin’s Press, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10010.

  www.stmartins.com

  All photographs courtesy of the authors except where indicated.

  Cover design by Michael Storrings

  Cover photographs: feet with purple flip-flops © sdominick/istock.com; beach and feet on right © Ben4633/Shutterstock

  eBooks may be purchased for business or promotional use. For information on bulk purchases, please contact Macmillan Corporate and Premium Sales Department by writing to MacmillanSpecialMarkets@macmillan.com.

  The Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available upon request.

  ISBN 978-1-250-05994-9 (hardcover)

  ISBN 978-1-46686524-2 (e-book)

  e-ISBN 9781466865242

  First Edition: July 2015