World's Funniest Jokes (Volume I): Huge Collection of mainly dirty jokes, puns and humor for adults

by Unknown

  "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

  "I was just making love to me wife!", the Texan answers, annoyed.

  "Oh! I'm sorry", says the cop. "I didn't know."

  "Well, neither did I, until you shone that light in her face!"

  A priest was walking through a shady part of town and heard a girl whisper.

  "Hey mister, want a blowjob? Only $20" she asked.

  "Uh, er, no thank you," said the priest.

  “What's a blowjob?”, he wondered.

  Later that night, on the way back, another woman asked him the same question.

  "Hey buddy, want a blowjob? Only $20."

  "Ah, no, not tonight." said the priest and waked on.

  For the rest of the walk home he puzzled over what those women might be offering him. Finally, he reached the church, and saw the Mother Superior in the hallway.

  "Mother Superior, what's a blowjob?"

  "$20 father, same as in town."

  Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.

  A homeless man knocks on a woman's door, looking for help.

  "Think you could spare a few bucks? Maybe some food?"

  The woman thinks to herself for a few seconds, then says, "You could do some handy work around here, I'd be glad to give you $30 if you paint my porch. There's some green paint and a brush right around the corner"

  He thanks her, and heads towards the bucket. She returns inside and resumes her knitting. After about an hour, she hears a knocking again at her door, and goes to open it.

  She is greeted by the same man, green paint splattered on his clothes and in his beard, a wide grin on his face.

  "All done ma'am and by the way, it's a Cadillac, not a Porche."

  Success is a little like being pregnant. Everyone congratulates you but no one asks how many times you got screwed to get there.

  Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one but not necessary you like someone else’s.

  A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.

  He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"

  She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?"

  The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

  A woman awakens in the middle of the night to find her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.

  "What's the matter, dear? Why are you down here at this time of night!?" she whispers as she steps into the room.

  The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th anniversary of the day we met."

  She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

  The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 20 and you were only 18," he said.

  Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.

  The husband pauses. The words coming out in a rush. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

  "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?"

  "I remember that, too" she replied softly.

  He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."

  A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

  The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

  The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

  She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says. 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

  'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

  'So I just switched the heads.'

  Wife texts her husband on a very cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

  Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."

  Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer is really screwed up now.”

  Why did the worker at the keyboard manufacturing unit get fired?

  For putting in too many shifts

  Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

  He performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

  Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay. Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?"

  "Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me 'n the wife been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

  A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

  As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.

  While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

  The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped of the drunk to her marital status.

  Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on Earth did you know that?"

  The drunk replied, "'Cuz you're ugly."

  A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.

  On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

  "About 35," was the reply.

  "I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.

  After that she went into McDonalds for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, "Oh, you look about 29."

  "I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good.

  While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will
be able to tell your exact age."

  There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt.

  After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47."

  Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

  The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds."

  A cop is out on patrol, and sees a car parked in the local lover's lane, with the windows all steamed up. He knocks on the driver’s window, and the guy inside rolls it down. The cop sees that there is a guy sitting in the front seat, fully clothed, and a girl in the back seat, also fully clothed.

  "What are you up to here, son?"

  "Well, officer, I'm reading a magazine, as you can see."

  "And what's she doing back there?"

  "I think she's playing a game on her phone."

  "Have you been drinking tonight?"

  "No, sir. I'm only twenty."

  "And how old is she?"

  The guy looks at his watch and says, "Sir, in eleven minutes she'll be eighteen."

  During a funeral procession, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.

  She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall! Watch out for the wall!"

  So the other day I went to the supermarket, and I was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

  He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi lover. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!

  So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

  This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

  Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

  Man: "Hello"

  Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

  Man: "Yes."

  Woman: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

  Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

  Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."

  Man: "How much?"

  Woman: "$65,000."

  Man: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

  Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

  Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

  Woman: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

  Man: "Bye, I love you, too."

  The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

  He then grins sheepishly and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

  A piece of toast and a hard-boiled egg walked into a bar…

  The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here".

  The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

  No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

  Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

  Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

  The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

  Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

  Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

  One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.

  A koala was sitting in a tree, smoking a joint. A lizard walks up and says "Hey koala what are you doing?"

  The koala answers "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

  The lizard climbs up and the two share the joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and excuses himself to a nearby river to have a drink.

  The lizard, so stoned, leans over too far and falls in. A crocodile swims out to rescue him. When they get onto dry land, the croc asks, "What's wrong with you, lizard?"

  The lizard tells him that he was smoking a joint with a koala, and he got too stoned and fell in while taking a drink.

  The croc has to see this for himself, so he asks the lizard to take him to the koala. When they get back to the tree, the croc looks up at the koala and says "Hey, you."

  The koala looks down and says "Shiiiit dude, how much water did you drink?"

  A woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's lagging libido.

  “How about trying Viagra?”, asked the doctor.

  "Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".

  "In that case, just add it to his coffee and he will never know. Update me after a week or so", replied the doctor.

  A week later, the woman came to see the doctor again and exclaimed, "It was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"

  "Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

  "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, he took me passionately on the tabletop!"

  "So why was it terrible? Was the sex not good” asked the doctor.

  "Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

  What is better than roses on a piano?

  Tulips on an organ.

  An African lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe.

  "Take a couple swings at that tree over there." The foreman said.

  The lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single chop.

  "Holy smokes, you've got quite the arm! You're absolutely hired, but I need to know what you can do. Try your hand at this tree over here." The foreman points out a much larger tree.

  One, two swings and the tree crashes to the ground.

  "That's incredible!" Cried the foreman. "Wherever did you learn to chop like that?!"

  "In the Sahara Forest." Replied the lumberjack.

  "Don't you mean the Sahara Desert?" Asked the foreman.

  "That's why I'm here."

  A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he's pouring it the bartender asks "So what's the story with the leg?"

  "Well it were many a year ago," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard, and a shark swum up and bit me leg clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a peg leg that very night."

  "That's terrible," says the bartender. "What about the hand?"

  "Well it were the very next day," says the pir
ate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard again, and a whale came up and bit me hand clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a hook that very night."