“I know. I know the numbers. I don’t know why I thought I would be able to escape them, why I would be different. But that was the first baby I lost, and I can’t shake it. I didn’t know it would be this hard. I didn’t know I could be this afraid of ever delivering a baby again. Oh my God, Finn. That poor couple,” she said, holding onto him tightly, digging her hands into his strong arms.
He squeezed her closer. “You tried. You tried everything you could do. You’re a good doctor. A great doctor. You know that.”
“I can’t do it again. I don’t want to do it again,” she said, not even trying to hide her tears as she pulled back to look at him. “I’m not who everyone thinks I am.”
“Or you’re so much more than you think you are. Maybe that’s it,” he said, his voice gruff, tender as he gently swept the tears from her face with his thumb.
“I’m so scared,” she choked out.
“I get it. Hell, do I get it. But you have to push past that. What’s your plan? Are you just going to throw years of hard work away? I know you’re a talented doctor. You don’t get to where you are at your age on luck.”
She shook her head. “No, but I was having problems when I went back. I started getting anxiety attacks. That’s never happened to me before. I never had issues with anxiety, and suddenly I was crawling out of my skin. I tried for a week, and then…I was told to take some time off. I’ve never taken time off.”
“You’re allowed to have a life, to hit a wall and need to walk away for a bit,” he said.
She leaned forward and kissed him, because she wanted to be closer to him again, because he made her feel like herself, and she hadn’t felt like herself in so long. Somewhere along the way, she’d lost track of who she was, of who she wanted to be. He kissed her back in that delicious way that she’d discovered only Finn could, threading his fingers in her hair. “You have to come back. You can’t send me back there to deal with our family,” he said, smiling against her neck as he trailed kisses against her skin.
“I wish we could just stay here forever and never go back to work.”
Finn didn’t think he’d ever experienced an attraction like this for anyone. Maybe because it was so much more than physical. He liked talking to her, hearing her thoughts, and he valued her opinion. But more than that, she was someone he could talk to—and he hadn’t felt like he could really talk to anyone in a long time. “Me, too.”
She snuggled further into him, and it felt like they had done this forever. “That night you told me about the accident, it felt like you stopped suddenly. Like there was more.”
He was surprised that she remembered enough to ask him. No, he wasn’t. Because he wanted to know everything about her, too. What felt impossible to say not that long ago felt completely normal now. “There wasn’t much more. I don’t talk about this to anyone, but the rest is what keeps me up at night and makes me think it’s time for me to leave firefighting behind. We didn’t have much time to think because for all we knew there could be a family in there. A kid. Kids. Babies. You don’t leave kids, you know? There was a huge volume of smoke, more than we expected, and we didn’t realize it until it was too late, and by that point, we couldn’t see a damn thing. But we heard a kid. We got this little guy out of the closet. And as I was following him and my partner, the floor just gave out from under me, and…that was the last thing I remember.”
She turned in his arms and leaned up to kiss him. He held her head to his, knowing that in her own way she got him. When she pulled back, she ran her fingers over his jaw, the featherlight touch a contrast to the strength she had. “I’m glad you’re here.”
“Me, too. And since we’re talking about not going back…I’ve been thinking a lot about what I would do if I didn’t go back to being a firefighter.” It felt strange to tell this to Melody when he hadn’t told Ben yet, when he wasn’t even sure himself. But he didn’t want to keep anything from her. Melody had quickly become this person who he trusted, and he valued her opinion. Right here, in the dark, on this sofa, it’s like his entire messed-up world finally made sense.
“Really?”
“Yeah. I know I’ve said that it’s the only thing I would ever do with my life, but the closer I get to the New Year, the more I realize that I may never reach the level I need to be a firefighter again.”
She ran a hand down his arm. “Finn, I’m sorry.”
He swallowed past the lump in his throat. It was almost surreal to talk about this. A month ago, he wouldn’t have been able to. Or maybe it was Melody, because a month ago he hadn’t known her like this. “I need to start looking at it from a different angle. My dad didn’t have a second chance. I do. So I can sit here and feel sorry for myself or I can start planning a future that is different from my original plan.”
“I think that’s a pretty hard conclusion to come to, but it’s the right way to look at it. A plan B is always a good idea, especially one that you can get excited about. But are you sure that you’re not giving up too soon? Healing sometimes doesn’t fit into our ideal timeline, but it doesn’t mean that it won’t happen.”
He shrugged. “You’re right. That’s why I don’t want to make any rash decisions. I haven’t decided yet, but I’ve been looking into a career as an arson investigator. Maybe work my way up to fire marshal someday.”
“I think that’s great.”
“There is a lot I already know about it, and because I was a firefighter, the courses wouldn’t even be that long. It’s pretty specialized, and I don’t think it would be difficult to get a job with my background,” he said, stopping because suddenly all the doubts came crashing down around him. He could picture himself doing the job, he could see it as a reality, and maybe that’s what was so terrifying. Life was throwing him in a different direction, and he didn’t know if he actually wanted to go along with it.
“Finn?”
He ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t know. Maybe this is all a mistake. Maybe I should just stay focused on getting my leg healed. There’s that whole saying about ‘never have a plan B’ because then I’m not giving plan A my all. It feels messed up to be talking about another career. I’ve never had to think about it, you know?”
Her eyes clouded over. “I think anything that is so far away from where you thought your life would be will feel like that. It doesn’t mean it’s wrong. It just might take time to get used to the idea.”
He nodded, rubbing the back of his neck. “Maybe that’s it. I feel like I’m betraying Ben, too. I know what he’d say. He’d tell me to keep healing for as long as it takes. But I can’t do that. I can’t just sit around in their cabin in the middle of nowhere and not earn a living. There comes a point when it’s time to change paths. I can’t be afraid of that. I’ve never been afraid of anything.”
“Then give yourself these last few weeks before the new year. Make some calls, do some research. You must have contacts in the industry. Reach out to them. Then make your decision so that on January first, you know exactly where you’re going.”
“I like the way you think,” he said, feeling relieved to have this out there and Melody not think he was throwing his life away. He liked having a plan.
She gave him a gorgeous smile. “I’m glad. I’m learning to like the way I think, too.”
He gave a short laugh. “What about you? Did you always want to be a doctor? Can you imagine yourself doing anything different?”
Her smile fell like a deck of cards. “Yes, I always wanted to be a doctor.”
She was lying. But he had no idea why, and he was disappointed that she didn’t want to share with him as well. “Really?”
She sighed, and her eyes darted guiltily away from his. “Okay, maybe not. I’m sorry. I don’t know why I lied. It’s weird. There are things…from my past, from my family, that are so messed up, and I’ve never talked to anyone about them. I’ve always lied and said I�
��m fine, that I’m doing exactly what I want to do, everything is perfect.”
Any irritation vanished, and sympathy flooded him. He’d heard stories from Ben, not all and not in detail, but he knew Molly and Melody’s mother, Marlene, was all a big show. “Well, considering we are stuck together for a while with no power, we might as well get to know each other. I’ve never broken a secret,” he said, making an X over his heart.
She gave him a smile, a vulnerable one he hadn’t seen from her before. She seemed younger and unsure of herself as she drew her knees up to her chest. “Sometimes I don’t know if I ever really wanted to be a doctor. Lately, I’ve been thinking about my childhood. A lot. And I normally don’t like to dwell on the past, but with the work stuff that’s happened, I’ve been questioning everything. I wonder if I only wanted to be a doctor to please my mother, to compete with Molly.”
That last sentence hung there, and he tried to hide his shock. She and Molly were so close he couldn’t imagine her going so far as choosing a career to compete with her sister. He cleared his throat. “Would you really have gone through that many years of school, worked that hard, just to compete with Molly?”
She shrugged, her cheeks pink. “I don’t know. I feel like I don’t know anything about myself anymore. It’s awful, isn’t it?”
He pulled her closer, and she curled into him, like she needed him as much as he needed her. “You’re not awful. But you are really hard on yourself.”
She rested her face on his shoulder. “You don’t know what I was like, Finn. Molly and I weren’t like you and Ben. There was a time when I was so jealous of her, I could barely look at her. She was so smart. So pretty. So perfect. That snow globe at the general store? My mom bought one just like it for Molly one Christmas. Addie and I only got one gift each, and Molly had dozens. I had wanted that snow globe so badly, and I was so jealous that I purposely dropped it. The worst part is that Molly had planned on giving it to me when our mother wasn’t around.”
He kissed the top of her head, hating the self-hatred in her voice, but the snow globe at the store made more sense to him now. “You were a kid. You have to let it go, Mel.”
“I know. I’m trying, but it’s so intertwined in who I am. Our mother made a constant example of her. I was told over and over again that I would never be as smart as Molly. So all I did was study. Hours. Well into the night. Molly skipped a grade without trying and got so many presents, and our mother lavished her with attention. Molly never even bragged about it—she was embarrassed and would always share with us.
“But that wasn’t good enough for me. I was hell bent on skipping a grade, too, and did whatever it took. When I finally managed to get high enough grades, my mother told me that she knew I’d been putting in those long hours, that I wasn’t naturally as gifted as Molly. She was right. I wasn’t, and it killed me. When Molly said she wanted to be a doctor, our mom told everyone we would meet—at the grocery store, at school, at the doctor’s office. I was desperate for that kind of attention. That’s when I decided I was going to be a doctor, too.”
“You honestly believe you survived medical school just to be like your sister? Even people who want to be doctors don’t always survive.”
She shrugged. “I have no idea what to think anymore, Finn. I don’t know who I am.”
“Do you love your job?”
She shrugged. “I did. Or I thought I did. Maybe I just liked the prestige, like my mom.”
He held onto her tighter. “No. I don’t buy that. You’re not like your mom. You’re not in it for the prestige. Don’t do that to yourself. You’re an incredible person, Mel. And I’m so glad that we got snowed in here together so I could find all that out.”
He kissed her, feeling everything that had been missing from his life, right here in his arms. He didn’t want to share their time with anyone. He didn’t want to think about reality that would come barreling through that door in a day or two. And he didn’t want to think about how their careers and lives were about to take them away from how happy they were right now.
Chapter Nine
Melody opened her eyes, startled by the fact that she felt…good. Safe. Happy. Warm. She blinked a few times and realized she was lying on the couch, half on top of Finn, who was still sleeping. It was still dark out, and the wind was still whistling. The fire had burned out, but she was nice and toasty next to him.
For the first time in as long as she could remember, she didn’t check the time on her phone. She didn’t hop out of bed. Instead, she put her head back down on Finn’s chest, holding onto him, holding onto the feeling that everything was right or could be right. Nothing had been right in her world in so long…or maybe forever. But she had opened up to Finn, and instead of running away from her, he’d held on tighter. She didn’t ever want him to let go. She closed her eyes, and as she drifted off to sleep, Finn’s hand wrapped around hers.
Melody woke what must have been a few hours later, this time alone on the couch, the aroma of freshly brewed coffee filling the air. She sat up groggily, pushing the hair from her eyes. The fire was roaring, and suddenly Finn was standing in front of her, holding two mugs of coffee and a smile that made her want to keep him forever.
He sat down beside her, giving her a quick kiss and coffee. He’d already showered, and she smiled at him before taking a sip of coffee. “Thank you. What time is it?”
“Ten.”
She gasped. “What?”
He laughed. “I know. We’re wasting our last day of peace sleeping.”
She scrambled to her feet and looked down at his handsome face. “I’m going to shower, and then we’re going to make the most of this day.”
“You know, when you declared that we were going to make the most of this day together, I naively thought we were on the same page,” Finn grumbled. “Standing on a ladder and stringing Christmas lights is not my idea of making the most of today.”
Melody swallowed her laugh and handed him the rest of the lights. Snow flurries trickled down, and the storm had passed. The roads were still closed, but the sun had come out and made the air not feel quite so cold. Or maybe it was Finn. Despite his complaints, she knew he was having fun. These days with him had been the best days of her life. There was this thrilling freedom in being with him. She had never felt so much like herself. “We’re almost done. Think how excited Isabella will be to see all the lights. Seriously. Then all we have left to do is make a snowman.”
Finn swore under his breath. “A snowman? Shouldn’t she be doing that? We’re adults—we don’t have to build snowmen.”
Melody stared up at him and shrugged. He paused, something flickering over his eyes as he turned to look down at her. She should tell him. She took a deep breath and leaned into that feeling of trust that was growing with him. “I’ve never really…built a snowman. No time. Addie would. Every time there was a fresh snowfall, she’d be out there in the front yard, building some adorable snowman. And every time, when she would come back inside, instead of receiving a nice cup of hot chocolate and praise, our mom would ridicule her. She told her that she was wasting her time on stupidities and she should try and be more like me and Molly.”
Finn finished attaching the last light, his expression stony before climbing down the ladder. Her heart was racing because she felt silly telling him all this stuff that shouldn’t matter as a grown-up. Instead, he stood in front of her and then leaned forward and kissed the spot just below her ear, and she grabbed onto his forearms. His mouth lingered there, and her knees were wobbly as he whispered against her neck, his lips brushing against her skin. “Then let’s build the best damn snowman ever. Lucky for you, I’m an expert. But that means you’ll have to take orders. From me.”
She was laughing when he kissed her and forgot all about telling him she didn’t take orders very well.
An hour later, she was rolling her eyes as Finn lectured her on the impo
rtance of mastering the size of the second boulder. “Hey,” he said, hands on his lean hips, his eyes sparkling. “No sass for the teacher, please.”
She gave him a salute and continued rolling the boulder, coming up with a plan that was so unlike her, unlike anything she’d ever done before, that she knew she had to do it. “Maybe if my teacher wasn’t such a know-it-all, I wouldn’t have to. You really need to work on your teaching skills. Less bark,” she said, keeping her head down so he wouldn’t catch her smile.
“I’ll try harder,” he said with a laugh.
“And what about the hat? The nose? All that stuff,” she said, rolling the boulder with more effort now that it had accumulated so much snow. Perfect. She had to stifle her giggle of excitement and then almost paused. She didn’t think she’d ever been this giddy in her entire life. Or had ever plotted something so funny. Who was she?
“Amateur. We figure that stuff later.”
The smile in his voice made her smile, and as she rolled the boulder to his feet, she stood, dusting the snow off her gloves and looking up at him as innocently as possible. “Is this big enough?”
He glanced at the large boulder they’d made for the base in the center of the front yard and then back to the boulder she’d rolled over. “I guess it’ll do for beginners. Not perfect, but it’ll do.”
She smiled. “I’m so glad. So now what?”
“I’ll kneel down and position it. Just be careful as you lift it up. You don’t want it to fall apart. It’s actually quite a delicate job.”
“Yes, definitely. I have no idea how someone like me can manage such a delicate procedure,” she said, placing her hands on either side of the perfect boulder.
“Just try your best, sweetheart,” he said.
She knew he was baiting her, and that was fine, because she planned on continuing the fun. He stared at her expectantly. “Sure, Finn. Whatever you say, Finn.” She picked up the boulder, trying desperately not to give herself away, and at the last moment, instead of placing it on the base of the snowman, she dumped it on Finn’s head.
Snowed in with the Firefighter (Shadow Creek, Montana) Page 11
